life – Page 3

You Saved Me

And for that, I am and forever will be thankful for you.

You may not ever see this. But I want to write this anyways.

I am so thankful for you. That one late evening when I laid in my kids room, scrolling through Instagram and found you. You were holding a half of a gallon of milk. I remember that day like it was yesterday, yet it seems years ago.

It was that moment that I was drawn to you.

Little did I know that eventually, late one night, you’d respond to my IG story – I remember vividly … it was lightning. And I loved sitting on the desolate, desert road on State Trust land to watch the storms. It was my only exit from the house and the only thing that kept me from sinking into a very dark place.

I was elated to talk to you. I could have chatted with you all night.

That moment, I felt like I had met my counterpart in male form. Everything resonated with me. I was fascinated by you…I wanted to talk to you all day long…but you were several hours away. Every time I heard your voice, I was elated. I still feel that way today.

The moment that you messaged me changed my entire life. The trajectory of everything going forward would never be the same. Your wit, your personality, your humor…. your skill, your brain – everything, made such an impact on me. I felt as if everything changed for me at that moment. I was dying – physically dying, and spiritually dying. There’s no way that things would align the same way now to make that same opportunity arise.

Where I was at the time was killing me. I was dead inside – I felt suffocated and trapped, and I had no idea how to exit. It was taking a toll on me mentally, and physically. Inside, I was spiritually dying. Every day that passed I was moving farther into spiritual death.

You saved me.

You gave me hope. Your nuggets of positivity I held to… and it was those tiny nuggets that helped me reach the next day. I would wake up and look at the sky to the east, thinking about where I was. Where I wanted to be. And I knew, getting out of where I was could very well be the end of me and everything I had worked for. I was scared… terrified honestly, terrified of failure. I was fearful I’d lose everything. I was scared I was going to lose myself.

But you saved me.

You don’t know the impact you have on someone’s life sometimes… and even when they share that inspiration you exert you may still not believe it. But you did – you had such a huge impact on my life in more ways than you will ever understand. I felt like I had chains shackling me down… I was so far down the hole I didn’t ever think I would get out. I was married to someone who constantly belittled me and everyone else around him. I was never supported, recognized or respected. At first, I chalked it up to being just what “men do”.

But I knew I was wrong.

When I saw you picking asters for your partner I was jealous. I was also sad — sad to see that there were people that existed that actually did things of joy for their partner. I wanted someone to do that for me. You spent time with your partner — concerts, trips… dressing up for Halloween. I have never known such a thing.

So it made me question where I was. Why didn’t anyone do that for me? Why wasn’t I “enough”? I wanted someone to do those things for me, to make me feel special… to make me a priority in their life. It was the opposite. I knew I’d never have that opportunity and it made me sad.

You saved me.

You may have been overwhelmed often; you left, frequently, for long periods of time. You went on fun family trips to Florida… to Disney, and it was painful. It was painful to see you share your time with others. I walled up my emotions and tried to push through but I couldn’t. I liked you far too much. If I didn’t like you, it wouldn’t have hurt to see you enjoying time with others.

Those little nuggets of inspiration you gave me gave me enough courage to file for divorce. I felt a vibrational mismatch, and before long, I felt an immediate need to leave my current relationship.

God knew that I would either continue to reject him or end up dead – if not physically and psychologically, then spiritually. I had, for years, made attempts to salvage what society regards as a lifelong institution (marriage). But deep down in my heart, our lives and values were vastly different. I knew, then, that I was unable to truly love and accept myself. In the final years of my marriage, the pull to find the real me was incredibly strong – such is the conflict and turmoil that I was dealing with on a daily basis.

I was in a marriage that was a low vibrational match. I didn’t wake up with a feeling of renewed purpose, nor was I inspired by the very person that inhabited a home with me. His lack of respect, and his repeated affairs were a deliberate attempt to destroy my inner self confidence. It’s very challenging to describe – but it’s a stifling, suffocating feeling.

You saved me.

Taking that leap of faith was a challenging one. For almost 20 years, I was financially reliant on someone else. I had children. I owned property. I had a business. I was scared of losing everything I worked so hard for. Even more, I was fearful of losing my children to someone that I knew would make a point of destroying my life just to get satisfaction from seeing me struggle. We were in a time of COVID – my ad revenue from my writing had tanked due to the economy. I had no family locally, nor did I have family in general.

I had nothing.

You saved me.

You may not realize this, but your energy gave me daily inspiration to push forward and take that leap of faith. No, I didn’t know how I was going to raise 5 kids on my own meager income. I did not know how I was going to afford to pay rent in a high cost of living city. Nor did I know how my business was going to continue – especially in this economy, with the challenges of community property divorce laws. I did not want to lose what I worked so hard to earn. But I did.

I lost everything… the only thing I kept was my business name. The financials were gone
I lost all of my children’s college funds …. I was the only one who contributed to them since their birth. Eighty thousand ($80,000) in college education – gone
I lost my savings
I lost all of the vehicles I had bought over the years with my hard earned savings as well…. I didn’t believe in car payments, so I worked hard to pack away cash to buy vehicles. Now, they were no longer mine.
I went through what I thought was the most emotionally and physically desctructive two years of a divorce, almost all of it in the same home together
He left one of our children on the roof of the house and left … leaving him with no way to get down
He lost his temper and destroyed my backyard with an axe – a 20×8 retaining wall, concrete planters, and six raised beds full of beautiful Swiss chard, garlic, tomatoes, cucumbers, and more
He threatened the children and hit them repeatedly with the belt, putting holes in the wall of our home, breaking doors down when they tried to hide from him
I watched my children lock their bedroom and cut through the screens on their windows of their front house bedroom just to race down the street and hide in the bushes at the park – just to get away from him and his anger outbursts
He removed the starter fuse from my truck in attempts to disable the truck from starting and moving, trapping me in the home for days at a time
He wrapped carpet around the front axle of my truck to prevent the truck from moving and in attempts to lock the axle and destroy the vehicle
Knowing I worked at home full time, and homeschooled children, he asked the cable company to run a second cable line for his job, then walked outside and cut the cable line belonging to the kids and I so as to prevent me from schooling them, and prevent me from earning a living
He stopped paying his share of the household bills, utilities and mortgage – with over $2,000 in bills each month, I was robbing Peter to pay Paul, in efforts to just make it one more month in that house with no financial help
He threatened to take full custody of the children, because I was a “bad mother” who failed to “obey him”.
He put video cameras and audio devices up throughout the house to record every movement made by the kids and I

Looking back, it was horrific — to think that I managed to make it through that two year period. I was so miserable at home, and so fearful, I would wake up each morning, and pack up the kids to get them away from the house. I would drag the kids and all of their homework to the park and spend the entire day somewhere else just to avoid going home. Once home, the only place of safety was my truck – I’d lock myself inside the truck for hours at a time to avoid being ridiculed in the house.

Before the divorce, I was hesitant to leave even though I knew that was the best thing I could have done. I was scared because I didn’t want to lose “stuff”. Obviously, I did not want to lose my kids. But I didn’t want to lose the other “stuff” — the material items that I needed, used, and had paid for. Emotionally, I was far removed. But I was comfortable with the situation so I remained. And in a sense, I was too comfortable to want to lose things that, eventually, did not matter to me at all.

To years later, all the “stuff” I was scared to lose…. I lost. Looking back, it was just that: stuff.

You saved me.

I don’t know how I made it through that period of time. You, were the light in my life for all that time. You gave me the ONLY glimmer of hope in a time of darkness. When nothing else was making sense, you were the only source of positivity.

I don’t know how I managed to forge my way through. I was Christian, but not attending church. My faith was far from what it should have been. You and you alone encouraged me to draw closer to God. Because I drew closer to him, my children followed suit. After much prayer, they all started to become more involved in our church.

It was a contentious custody battle, over $125,000 spent (money I did not have…) and counting. I kept an online diary each day for several years to recount my experiences. Nothing mattered. Nobody listened, not a single person cared.

I placed the kids in counseling.

I put myself in counseling.

I started family counseling with the kids and I.

I spent over $11,000 in counseling alone that first year following my divorce. I worked hard to re-establish my business. I got into a rental despite the cost of living and home prices. I am far, far from where I want to be. But two years later, I am still here.

Money has been tight. But I haven’t missed a rent payment.

Money has been tight. But I’m grateful for the food bank.

My bank account is in the positive. It’s not where I want it to be, but it’s slowly getting there.

I’m thankful for community resources to help people, like me, that struggle on a daily basis.

I don’t have the ability to have the life and stuff that most others have. But I have what I need – my kids, my mobility, and the capacity to love immensely. I have the ability to drive just over two miles every morning to a mountain that’s free to climb – so I can meditate, and pray about the things I am grateful for.

You have inspired me to work harder. I have started new businesses, made new products, found more avenues for revenue. You helped me do that.

Most of all, you saved me. You saved me from what was an emotionally destructive marriage… I was losing myself, I was spiritually dead, and I was (in a large sense), dependent on someone else. That loyalty and co-dependency was leading to my death.

And YOU saved me.

I never in a million years thought I could do anything on my own accord/merit. I am raising 5 kids as a single parent, with an ex-spouse who does not reliably pay support, nor does he reliably pay medical, dental, or other. I am homeschooling 5 kids and taking care of that expense without any help. I run 5 businesses on Etsy, 1 small business off Etsy, and 4 blogs. I am always tired… I have high expectations of myself, but I am here.

I have my mobility.

I have the ability to love my children on a massive scale. And in return, my kids feel loved and cared for beyond their wildest dreams. We have made memories – many of them with you, that we will never forget.

Most of all, I have these feelings for you that will never, ever change. I love you, more than you will ever know. I respect you, so incredibly much. I feel sad when you are sad. I am in pain to see you live your life with others. But I need to learn to accept that the love I have for you may not be something you feel back.

Nonetheless, it doesn’t take away the fact that you saved me, and in turn, five others. The greatest gift you can give someone is the gift of time; combined with love, respect, and encouragement, you have given me (and still do) inspiration that I have never had in my life.

Nobody has ever done for me what you have done. Nobody has ever made me feel the way you have. Nobody ever will.

Meeting a real, true love causes ultimate upheaval in every area of our lives. It’s not like any normal relationship – it is an entirely different experience that words cannot accurately describe. The awakening we experience causes our vibration and energy to jump – we are now accurately aware of the suppression we were under for the years prior.

No longer can you align with where you once were. Staying in the old relationship seems far fetched. Every second that goes by, you feel a pressure to follow a greater calling, a bigger energy. I left my situation because I could not align with where I once was. I could never, go back to where I was before.

You will always be part of my life, even though you choose to spend your life with someone else.

God places people in our lives to help draw us closer to Him and grow in faith, which will in turn help us grow into a better version of ourselves. God knows what we need. He wants us to draw closer to him, so he orchestrates encounters to help us do that.

You are that encounter.

You could melt my heart with just one look. You could make even the worst days better with your voice. Just being next to you made my heart race. Just a simple touch of your hand calmed me down – even your natural sent was inspiring. You share with me many of the same core values, worries, fears, ideals, and sense of humor.

When you communicated with me, no matter what I said, you seemed to understand without me even having to explain. It felt like you were on the same page with me more times than not. Before meeting you in person, without even having seen you or knowing the details of your life, I felt an immediate, undeniable, strong attraction. I felt like I had known you forever. I instinctively trusted you. The love I feel for you transcends everything. Just interacting with you made me get the most beautiful of butterflies again, and again. 🦋🦋🦋🦋

You…

Are my sweetest fantasy. The person I want and find myself daydreaming about all day. When I met you in person to experience you, everything else was irrelevant in the big scheme of things. No matter the circumstances or obstacles surrounding you, or me, you always made me feel safe and at home.

There aren’t enough words to capture just how crazy I feel about you. Nothing, and nobody has ever in my life had that effect on me – nobody will ever make me feel the way you make me feel.

I will forever be grateful for your influence in my life. In the lives of my children. I will always love you, that will not change.

Categories: Relationships

Never Enough

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection on where I am at in my life, and trying to make sense of this question:

Why am I never good enough?

Something is pushing me to think hard about things that have transpired over the last several years and more. In all honesty, that question comes up on a daily basis – why, then, am I never good enough for those around me.

Many of these thoughts stem from a very inadequate childhood. My borderline mother and narcissistic father were never emotionally filling parents. Overly critical, everything I did was examined to the utmost degree- and even then, nothing was ever good enough for what they needed their daughter to be.

As a result, I learned to just put my head down to the ground with blinders on and move forward. I was in fact, a loner — I learned to focus on academics, work, and myself, with little time left for friends and fun. Such is the reason my work ethic is so strong – at the age of 16 I was moved to a foster home and I had nobody to rely on but myself. I was placed in this home without anything but the clothes upon my back. Everything I have, I have worked hard to establish on my own merit.

Several years later, I found myself in the military. Four years and several overseas field exercises and deployments, my high school was nothing but a distant memory. Rarely, if ever, did I hear from my parents. I found myself keeping to myself in the service – I was focused on the mission at hand, working with pride and attending night school to further my academics. But even then, I was not desirable to anyone despite my loyalty, and work ethic. Not even to my own parents.

Just a few months shy of getting out of the service, I met a man that I ended up getting married with. There were not sparks, or fireworks… looking back, it was a decision made in haste. I always thought marriage was an extraordinary feeling of comfort and peace with someone, but I never once felt that. For some reason, I still felt like I was unseen, unheard, and largely misunderstood. But I pushed on, because I figured that it would get better with time, and kids. Or, perhaps I was just expecting too much.

Eighteen years of marriage flew by and so did the revelation that my (then) husband had over a half dozen affairs. Feelings of betrayal, anger, frustration, and confusion hit me hard. While I initially chose to stay, I realized that was the worst thing I could have done – I discredited myself and allowed him to think I wasn’t putting myself first. So I remained. And he continued to disrespect and betray me with even more infidelity.

How can your spouse, any spouse, remain in a committed relationship through acts of infidelity? I failed to understand what I was doing wrong, and blamed myself for his repeated actions. It never occurred to me that he was the reason for his continued infidelity. Instead, I blamed myself for not being enough – in looks, actions, ethic, and even personality.

Eventually, the betrayal mounted to the point of no return – I walled off my anger, and shut off our marriage one cold November morning. I was done. And there was no looking back or attempts for reconciliation.

The days that followed were some of the most difficult and darkest days of my life. I had no desire to associate with people, or even so much as be on any type of social media. I cut myself out of every area of my life I was once associated with. I removed my social media accounts, blocked and deleted contacts from my phone, and failed to return emails from people who once were significant friends in my life.

I felt no obligation to anyone but myself. I hesitated to trust anyone and everyone. How could I? My own spouse had betrayed me.

So am I good enough?

I never quite understood what prompted my ex husband’s infidelity for all those years. I started to examine my actions to determine if I was, truly, the root of the problem, not realizing (in the end) that infidelity is and was HIS choice.

It is an easy way to avoid responsibility.
It’s an immature way of dealing with marital unhappiness.
It shows a lack of self control.
It shows entitlement, self consumption and selfishness.
And most of all, it shows an unwillingness to cooperate, communicate and respect the person you made a vow to be with for the rest of your life

Who am I?

I was the wife, but I was also so many other things –

I was the mother of our 5 beautiful children.
I was self employed, yet still homeschooled all 5.
I spent copious amounts of time cooking for the family – not only did I enjoy being in the kitchen, food was my love language.
When the family vehicles needed work, I was the one who took care of the maintenance – from changing oil to alternators, serpentine belt, brakes, battery replacement, radiator and even water pump. We rarely ever had a need for a mechanic because I was that mechanic.
Our yard was always well maintained – I was the lawn maintenance crew, the garage cleaner, the housekeeper…
I was the primary parent who transported children everywhere and all over.
I was patient, I was compassionate, I was at no point jealous or controlling. I worked hard, rarely put my needs before everyone else, and was a “rock” for the family. Despite being what I thought he and the kids needed, I wasn’t – I was still NOT enough.

Had I have been enough, the infidelity wouldn’t have ever happened. Or so I told myself.

One fall day, I was introduced to another man who went on to become my entire world. In the beginning, I knew he was different than others… he was humble, kind, compassionate, and had the most generous personality.

We spent time laughing and getting to know each other, having deep conversations about life and family and many of our own fears. But from the very beginning, I knew that due to circumstances in his life, I would never be “someone” to him.

Over time, I made trips to visit, spent copious amounts of time and money traveling back and forth 6 hours each way. I grew to absolutely adore this person, and could only hope he felt the same way. I am still head over heels for him, all this time later, and often wonder if he, too, feels the same.

So many trips resulted in me being stuck in a hotel room, 6 hours away, without a single phone call or attempt to see me despite me driving the distance. At first, I chalked it up to various excuses – work, family, etc. But over time, it wore on me “why, am I still not enough?”

Holidays come and go, to no avail….

Even my own birthday comes and goes…

I will go to the longest lengths to show love to those in my life. I will sacrifice my own well being, to make your birthday the most special, spectacular day around. I will make you cards, care packages, baked goods, and even cute boxes to show you just how much you mean to me.

It is difficult, when you are someone who puts the needs of everyone else above your own in attempt to make them feel undoubtedly special, only to be ignored in return. It begs the question “why am I not good enough?”

Despite being able to get to know each other, I am left in confusion. Perhaps I looked too much for something that was not meant to be there. Deep down, however, I can’t shake this feeling I have for him.

I am madly in love with this person and will always be. But I can only venture to guess that he just doesn’t care and doesn’t want anything to do with me.

And one day, if he and I ever cross paths again, he’ll likely just walk past me as if he never met me in the first place.

Here I am, still trying to answer this question – why? Why me?

If you truly loved me, why would you avoid responding to me?
If you truly loved me as much as you proclaim to, why would you fail to show all those times that I made the trip to you?
If you truly loved me, why would I be stuck, broken down in a truck, for 12 hours, in a city 7 hours away from home, with no cell phone signal, waiting for anyone, just anyone to rescue me?
Why, if you loved me, would my birthday come and go without any measurable effort?
Why, if you loved me, would you be so indecisive?
Why would you just ignore someone you love?
And how can you spend your time loving someone else when you say you love me as much as you do? I certainly cannot consciously do that.

I have so many questions…. yet so few answers. What more do I need to do, say or give in terms of myself, to be seen? Perhaps I really am just not enough … and perhaps I am beating a dead horse, holding onto hope that one day you will realize the level of love I feel for you.

In the end, my conclusion is this:

I’ll never be good enough for the wrong person. No matter how much I do, say or give of myself, the wrong person will never be moved by me. But I’ll always be good enough for the right person.

Despite knowing who I am, and what is in my heart and soul, I’ll just never be good enough for him.

To me, he’s looking for someone else with checkboxes that I will never be able to reach. It’s not that I’m not lovable – it’s just that his taste and preference is something that I will never have or fit. At this point, no matter what I say or do, I’m obviously not a fit for what he’s looking for.

Do I wish I had the traits to be who he is looking for? I’ll admit, it’s not me. I’ll never be “her”, so I’ll never be good enough for him. I just have to accept and move past it, as hard as it is.

But… one thing is certain. I’ll always be good enough for the right person.

To the right person, I’ll be everything and more. Each relationship has taught me something to learn from. That for me, I don’t need anyone in my life who isn’t certain with how they feel about me.

I am enough to myself.

If you were enough to others, then others wouldn’t have left you wondering why you weren’t/aren’t enough.
If you were enough to others, infidelity wouldn’t be popping up in your marriage.
If you were enough, you wouldn’t have to take yourself to forums and message boards to ask why you aren’t enough.
If you were enough, people would show up when you show up for them.
If you were enough, you’d be celebrated – on your birthday and for your accomplishments, heck – you’d be celebrated for being you.
If you were enough, you wouldn’t have to beg for a response.

Just remember that you will always be just enough, and more, for the right person.

Categories: Random Thoughts

What Inspires You

If you settle for anything less than something that inspires you on a larger than life level, you’ll eventually come to the realization that what you are settling for just isn’t enough.

You can’t live a life of growth, purpose and happiness without inspiration as the fuel.

If people don’t inspire you, they leave you uninspired. They essentially leave you with absolutely nothing to aspire to.

Certainly, we can live a life of complacency. But to feel truly alive, we need to be growing and moving – not just emotionally, but mentally, and spiritually. We need to be growing in our faith to God. When we grow and move we feel alive. When our relationships restrict that growth and suffocate our experiences, they make us feel worse.

Slowly over time, we may feel uninspired. Those relationships may ruin us. Inspiration fuels strength. It also fuels a life of passion and personal growth. Without those, we may feel stagnant. We suffocate.

If there’s one thing in life that moves me, it is finding someone with inspiration. Nothing is worse than being discouraged, unmotivated and misunderstood by the very same person that you have taken a vow to love. It’s important to find someone that has a similar attitude and perspective as you – while you can’t change someone, finding someone who does have the qualities you need will help you become a better person (and vice versa).

Inspiration can help you find happiness within the confines of your soul, joy in activities you may never have thought of doing or experiencing love in places your heart has never ever been to.

Inspiration is…

Hope – fueled by creativity and imagination

Motivation – without the “force”

Encouragement – with a splash of heart

Positive energy – that’s there to gently lead your heart

Emotional foundation – of a life much more grounded and positive

Lack of inspiration is stagnation, which breeds boredom, which leads to fear. Fear stifles our thinking and our actions; it creates indecisiveness.

Inspiration will help us move forward and grow in life, to be happy, and feel empowered from within. It makes us better people – better yet, it moves us to feel in ways we haven’t ever felt before. That, in turn, can lead us to care for someone other than ourselves.

It is the zest of life that can help us reach levels we never thought we were capable of aiming for.

Be inspired. And be the inspiration that others need in return.

Categories: Twin Flame

An Open Letter to You

This letter is for you.

You caught me off guard, all that time back. I remember the evening so clearly, and it feels like it was just yesterday.

I was more than fascinated – with you, your endeavors, your skills, your character, your personality, your charm, your humor. I had no idea who you were, and I never saw your face. But I do know that you were the reason I kept coming back to scroll every day.

I must admit, I fell for you then.

Little did I know I’d fall even harder over time. Forgive me, for feeling the way that I do. When you came into my life, there was so much turmoil that I was blind to see. Looking back, I can’t believe I endured the place I was in, because it was truly emotionally devastating. I was ridiculed, teased, disregarded, ignored and unloved. What I haven’t told you is that I kept an online diary each day for the last 4 years – in that diary I confessed my day to day situation, feelings, emotions and frustrations.

I haven’t read that diary in over a year. But today I came across that diary on accident when I ventured into the wrong folder on my computer. Full of unlabeled logs, I was just 2 paragraphs in a log dating back to 3/20/2020, and I was too overwhelmed to continue to read.

I have come so far.

I remember how I felt then.. I felt suffocated, as if I had no options. I felt like I had no way out. I was angry, then, to know that I had been so naive for so long, thinking that the way I felt was just trivial nonsense. I didn’t know what real love was, because, frankly – I had never experienced it.

Everyone describes love differently – is it an earth shattering feeling of bliss? Complacency? Comfort?

The problem is – everyone describes true, real, pure love differently because we all love differently. Everyone’s definition of love is widely different from another. So how do you know real, pure, love when it is right in front of your face?

I wasn’t looking for you at all…

In my case, I wasn’t looking for you at all. I was content – not with where I was, but with myself. I was working on myself and I led my days with that. But there was a part of me that must have knew you were coming into my life because I was drawn to you much similar to how you were to me. God had to have known that I needed a very specific love, a love that would help me climb out of the mess I was in and find a way to grow – personally and in my faith.

You snuck up on me. You were miles away. And yet, the moment you walked in that day, everything was done. Stick a fork in it – I knew at that moment, you were EVERYTHING.

I felt at peace.

I had no idea that I would feel the way I did. Nor did I know that things would progress the way they did over time.. things had to be synchronized in ways that can only be described as meant, planned, whatever you want to call it.

I have not gone a day without you in my heart or in my mind.

No, you aren’t perfect. I never expected you to be. But you inspire me on a daily basis. And the way you deal with your imperfections inspires me on a daily basis.

If there is one thing I have learned, it is that love has varied meanings, can take on many forms, and exist in varied degrees, depending on who you ask.

I hope, and pray daily, that you are learning to love yourself the way I love you – because if you could only see what I see, you would understand that you are meant to be someone that is so much bigger than the world (or others) have led you to believe. You must love yourself, and everything else will fall into place.

How can I settle for anything else?

I have grown to love the time spent with you – while limited, you continue to inspire me every day even in silence, and distance. That love continues to grow. I’m inspired by you largely and daily; not a moment goes by where you aren’t on my mind or heart.

How can I settle, or put a placeholder in a space where I know love should exist in an incomparable abundance?

With that first conversation, you opened a huge space of love in my heart, a love that I didn’t know was possible. Over time, I had to learn how to fill that space without you being by me every day, or personally grow into the person that you’d love to have in your life. I also understand that I may never be part of your life.

But that placeholder/space is still there. It will always be there. It can’t be filled with any other person, because nobody can fill that space like you can.

Without you, every emotion felt like a million knives… I struggled to clear the fog in my brain, and my eyes were a constant ocean of tears. You were and still are a constant image that plays in my mind. Even though we are miles apart, and even in silence, I could still feel your pain, I could feel when you were awake. I could feel your presence, too. I was only hopeful you could feel “me” too.

I never knew….

I never knew love could feel like this. It’s an overwhelming feeling of emotion – love, safety, peace, acceptance, joy, and abundance. I’m doing a bad job of trying to explain it all – but then maybe it’s not something that can be explained. Maybe it’s something that can only be felt.

The feeling you invoke is pure overwhelm. When I am with you, I feel at home. Hearing your voice makes me feel warm inside. Seeing you is a feeling that I crave for every day.

You are the most humble person I know, you have such a kind heart. I love you so much. I know, it’s crazy to say – considering I have spent less than a month with you the entire last few years.

Since you have been in my life, I have never been the same. I will never, from this point forward, be the same. You are home to me. And I have a feeling you always will be. Nothing else will ever come close to giving me the feeling and emotion that you do… there is nothing that can ever occupy that placeholder next to me.

Now that I know how it truly feels to love someone without limits, I’d wait an eternity for you.

And only you.

Categories: Relationships

Just Nobody

At 4:45 a.m. every morning, I make way up this mountain. It’s dark – and in most cases, there isn’t anyone else hiking. The coyotes are out – the howls can be heard from the bottom of the mountain before the ascent.

The trek to the top is dark, and the trail is rocky and uneven. I hike up, turn around, and come back down. On a typical morning, I repeat this three times before I finally settle at the top.

As I sit at the top, on the cliff face, in the dark, I am able to reflect upon the things that are heavy on my mind. I love being up there in the dark, because nobody else is up there. Nobody can see my tears flow heavily. Nobody can see the sadness on my face. It’s the perfect solitude.

As I sat up there today, it hit me. I am just nobody. Certainly, I am a mother to five kids. But aside from that, I am nobody. Nobody calls to check up on me. My own family doesn’t reach out to me. I don’t have a partner in my life that looks after me or treasures me. I literally am nobody to anyone.

I was in an 18 year marriage to someone that stayed with me out of convenience. Our marriage was far from what a marriage should be – in fact, it was more of a living arrangement, where I was the catalyst that helped him live a comfortable life filled with self entitlement, and fulfillment.

He had a cook
He had child care
He had a house cleaner
He had an emotional punching bag – someone to blame his bad days on
He had a mechanic, a yard worker, and a maintenance worker to care for the house

Lastly, he had a very kind, patient, naive spouse that never questioned the late nights, absent weekends, or oddities that came with someone who was being unfaithful in the marriage.

Oddly enough are the things in the marriage that I tended to question but never acted upon my gut instinct:

I was never introduced as being a wife
Normal marriages celebrate anniversaries – in my case, our anniversary came and went with no mention of the day as being a day of importance
Normal marriages celebrate birthdays – in my case, my birthday was just a regular day with no mention of it being a birthday at all
There weren’t any romantic trips, weekend get aways or even lunch/dinner dates
Family events were challenging – I was always assigned to sit at the kids table with the children, in the back corner of the yard or house, away from the adults
There was no exchange of love, affection or otherwise

I grew up with very little attention from my parents, so I almost didn’t know anything otherwise. My mom was constantly put down by my father so I grew accustomed to thinking that this type of behavior was typical in a marriage.

But marriage does not involve disrespect.

One of my biggest fears in life…

…..is being forgotten about – being abandoned, by the people I love so much. I fear outpouring of love for my kids and not having that love reciprocated.

I fear loving someone who can’t reciprocate that love back.

I fear loving someone that doesn’t choose me, but instead chooses someone else.

So I isolate.

On a fundamental level, someone like myself could be considered boring – maybe not to everyone, but to the majority of people. I have learned early on in my life that most people would rather talk about trivial things that are mundane – things that don’t force them to think, contemplate or even self reflect. I learned early on (in my early teenage years) that if I did try to talk about those type of things, that I would be shut down or isolated from the group as a whole.

As the years went by, I quickly learned that all the things I loved are/were vastly different from what normal people love. So I started to keep to myself. I have, over time, managed to come up with a few mainstream likes and opinions on various topics so that I can hold some type of a conversation (when necessary). However, for the most part, I have learned to hide parts of myself that I knew would never be appreciated or even so much as noticed.

I learned to blend in.

Because to stand out is to be in the spotlight. And to be in the spotlight requires a lot of effort to keep up the mask of ordinary – and ordinary is not me.

I’d rather not reveal the real person I am in all of my weak vulnerabilities to be rejected for it by random people who play absolutely no part in my life.

All I desire is to keep my introverted self isolated from people, and my life private, until someone comes along that understands me. And when that day comes, it will take quite some time for me to open up. I would love for that person to discover how different/special/unique I am without me having to tell them.

I am a private individual: most INFJ’s, like myself, are private about everything. We may keep a lot of things to ourselves – merely to save us the sting of rejection.
Deep down, I am lonely: I have spent my entire life not being understood – especially as I grew up in my childhood. I am also very sensitive – this was always misunderstood by parents/caretakers.
My relationships are always one-sided: I care for people deeply and more times than not, people will abuse that. My kind heart is commonly abused or taken advantage of.
I am an idealistic person: I have high expectations of people. I have very strong moral beliefs which contradict other people’s beliefs – and I can often times find myself disappointed in the actions and behavior of others.

Isolation is part of who we are. It is part of who I am. I require that isolation to be my best self – not only for me but also for my kids.

Why does God want us to be alone?

God knows just how you feel. But he put me here at this place, at this time in my life – family and friends may have left. People turned their backs and left a huge space. God created this void in my heart that is only his to fill.

Maybe all these people came into my life just to pull me away from him. And have kept me in the dark all these years. Sometimes life becomes boring, meaningless and hard, it’s beceause I was filling it up with everything but him. And that void has to be occupied by him and him alone.

In the silence of the heart, God speaks.

Even in silence, God will speak to you.

It is only when you realize your loneliness and emptiness that God can fill you with himself. No person, no possession, no profession, no position can ever fill the cup of an empty heart. It’s an emptiness that only God can fill.

And sometimes, he brings you to this place in your life because he just wants you to call out to Him.