This letter is for you.
You caught me off guard, all that time back. I remember the evening so clearly, and it feels like it was just yesterday.
I was more than fascinated – with you, your endeavors, your skills, your character, your personality, your charm, your humor. I had no idea who you were, and I never saw your face. But I do know that you were the reason I kept coming back to scroll every day.
I must admit, I fell for you then.
Little did I know I’d fall even harder over time. Forgive me, for feeling the way that I do. When you came into my life, there was so much turmoil that I was blind to see. Looking back, I can’t believe I endured the place I was in, because it was truly emotionally devastating. I was ridiculed, teased, disregarded, ignored and unloved. What I haven’t told you is that I kept an online diary each day for the last 4 years – in that diary I confessed my day to day situation, feelings, emotions and frustrations.
I haven’t read that diary in over a year. But today I came across that diary on accident when I ventured into the wrong folder on my computer. Full of unlabeled logs, I was just 2 paragraphs in a log dating back to 3/20/2020, and I was too overwhelmed to continue to read.
I have come so far.
I remember how I felt then.. I felt suffocated, as if I had no options. I felt like I had no way out. I was angry, then, to know that I had been so naive for so long, thinking that the way I felt was just trivial nonsense. I didn’t know what real love was, because, frankly – I had never experienced it.
Everyone describes love differently – is it an earth shattering feeling of bliss? Complacency? Comfort?
The problem is – everyone describes true, real, pure love differently because we all love differently. Everyone’s definition of love is widely different from another. So how do you know real, pure, love when it is right in front of your face?
I wasn’t looking for you at all…
In my case, I wasn’t looking for you at all. I was content – not with where I was, but with myself. I was working on myself and I led my days with that. But there was a part of me that must have knew you were coming into my life because I was drawn to you much similar to how you were to me. God had to have known that I needed a very specific love, a love that would help me climb out of the mess I was in and find a way to grow – personally and in my faith.
You snuck up on me. You were miles away. And yet, the moment you walked in that day, everything was done. Stick a fork in it – I knew at that moment, you were EVERYTHING.
I felt at peace.
I had no idea that I would feel the way I did. Nor did I know that things would progress the way they did over time.. things had to be synchronized in ways that can only be described as meant, planned, whatever you want to call it.
I have not gone a day without you in my heart or in my mind.
No, you aren’t perfect. I never expected you to be. But you inspire me on a daily basis. And the way you deal with your imperfections inspires me on a daily basis.
If there is one thing I have learned, it is that love has varied meanings, can take on many forms, and exist in varied degrees, depending on who you ask.
I hope, and pray daily, that you are learning to love yourself the way I love you – because if you could only see what I see, you would understand that you are meant to be someone that is so much bigger than the world (or others) have led you to believe. You must love yourself, and everything else will fall into place.
How can I settle for anything else?
I have grown to love the time spent with you – while limited, you continue to inspire me every day even in silence, and distance. That love continues to grow. I’m inspired by you largely and daily; not a moment goes by where you aren’t on my mind or heart.
How can I settle, or put a placeholder in a space where I know love should exist in an incomparable abundance?
With that first conversation, you opened a huge space of love in my heart, a love that I didn’t know was possible. Over time, I had to learn how to fill that space without you being by me every day, or personally grow into the person that you’d love to have in your life. I also understand that I may never be part of your life.
But that placeholder/space is still there. It will always be there. It can’t be filled with any other person, because nobody can fill that space like you can.
Without you, every emotion felt like a million knives… I struggled to clear the fog in my brain, and my eyes were a constant ocean of tears. You were and still are a constant image that plays in my mind. Even though we are miles apart, and even in silence, I could still feel your pain, I could feel when you were awake. I could feel your presence, too. I was only hopeful you could feel “me” too.
I never knew….
I never knew love could feel like this. It’s an overwhelming feeling of emotion – love, safety, peace, acceptance, joy, and abundance. I’m doing a bad job of trying to explain it all – but then maybe it’s not something that can be explained. Maybe it’s something that can only be felt.
The feeling you invoke is pure overwhelm. When I am with you, I feel at home. Hearing your voice makes me feel warm inside. Seeing you is a feeling that I crave for every day.
You are the most humble person I know, you have such a kind heart. I love you so much. I know, it’s crazy to say – considering I have spent less than a month with you the entire last few years.
Since you have been in my life, I have never been the same. I will never, from this point forward, be the same. You are home to me. And I have a feeling you always will be. Nothing else will ever come close to giving me the feeling and emotion that you do… there is nothing that can ever occupy that placeholder next to me.
Now that I know how it truly feels to love someone without limits, I’d wait an eternity for you.
And only you.
Leave a Reply