“Can’t dull my shine.”

That’s the wording that’s printed on the hanging air freshener of my 18 year old SUV in my garage. The freshener has long since lost its smell – but I’ve kept it hanging from my rear view due in part because I need that reminder on a daily basis.

No matter what I endure, no matter what I seem to have as a stumbling block, at the end of the day, you can’t dull my shine.

The last 20 years of my life, even longer honestly, has been an uphill battle. Certainly there have been memorable parts – sure. But all in all, the years have been full of painful memories, triggers and relationship mishaps that make me question why I have to deal with so many stumbling blocks.

From inadequate relationships with family to marital woes, deaths in the family, and contentious court battles both here and far, I have come to realize that life’s challenges are something that can either break you down or, serve as a motivator to do better, be better and move forward.

All of us, at some point in time, have dealt with experiences in our life that have been less then stellar. Whether that’s rom addictions to relationship problems, childhood trauma, depression, and painful relationships. It’s easy to identify ourselves as a victim of sabotage and even easier for us to feel that the world is against us.

However, when we have the victim mentality, we can quite easily find ourselves wallowing in our misery and feeding on the neediness that comes with it.

We should pause here, and note that we all experience hardships, and terrible experiences in our life – certainly violence, crimes, poverty, disease, tragedy, rape and childhood trauma are all unfortunate circumstances. But there’s a difference between being a victim of such things and having a victim mentality.

The mentality of victimhood can be strong, regardless of the circumstances.

When we have that victim mentality, we can sometimes exaggerate the harm done, misattribute it, and add to the pain by constant rumination – and this can go on for years, sometimes even a lifetime. It can affect our relationships – whether family or marital. We can also hold onto this victimhood and attribute this as reasons we struggle to find a life partner.

This victim mentality can cause us to dwell on negative comparisons with others, and lead us to feel trapped in life. We can feel let down – like we are always expecting to be hurt, or it can cause us to make poor choices – perhaps even cause us to stay with people who treat us poorly and reject those who treat us well.

I’ve seen this mentality in my oldest child and it makes things challenging as a parent. The victim mentality can give us room to make excuses and avoid responsibility for things and it can also encourage us to live in the past. It can honestly lead to many different avenues of life – but all in all, it’s contagious – and if we have the victim mentality, then we are more than likely at a greater propensity to attract those who complain and blame.

This victim mentality can be the result of many sources – but most commonly, can originate from forms of neglect or abuse. If we aren’t careful, we can pass it down from parents to children over the course of time.

Having a victim mentality is a coping mechanism – it allows the individual to gain validation, or, help from others, in unproductive ways. It is their quest to gain attention, sympathy, validation or approval, perhaps even love. We can, in a sense, feel liberated, by addressing our problems by remaining in our victimhood – we not only love, we relish the attention and that attention keeps us in the center of a drama, and escalating our ego.

And it is the ego that ultimately prevents us from forward motion and growth as an individual. That ego can help us remain stuck in the superficial things of this world. Instead of working on ourselves by turning inward, we

Unfortunately it can also lead to manipulation within relationships and can also lead us to participate in patterns that are similar to narcissistic personality disorder. 

By playing the victim, we can avoid being vulnerable.

We can also avoid taking risks.

Continued patterns of the victim mentality lead to the deterioration of mental health – it can drain our mental and emotional energy. Instead of feeling empowered, and inspired, we will lack the strength to make improvements in our life. We will justify our maladaptive behavior and undermine our resilience.

In the end, we will find ourselves cycling through the same toxic behaviors of blame shifting, depression, self harm, and withdrawal.

Deep down, those who hold this mentality don’t desire positive change because it would jeopardize their identity. Instead of drawing people to us, it drives people away from us – and leads to continued and further isolation and loneliness.

It’s so easy to fall into the victim mentality – but the most important thing to remember is that it’s a choice. Certainly your past life experiences DO matter.

Do you struggle with depression? 

Do you struggle with anxiety?

Do you struggle with a lack of motivation? 

Your life experiences have certainly played a large part in how you feel today. But it is important to remember this:  life moves…. things happen to all of us. That doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter – they do. But it’s up to you to find a way to adapt and move forward.

We have a choice as to how we interpret our feelings and what we do in response. While that might be hard to accept – in the end, those debilitating circumstances can either make us better or … keep us stuck.

Certainly, moving forward should be our goal – right? That might not be easy to accept or fair to consider, but in the end, our lives are what we make of them.

Use your experiences as fuel for growth – and with enough fuel, you can head forward into the next best chapter of your life.