Battling a Narcissist

Finding peaceful healing and growth after narcissistic abuse

Categories: Relationships

Let Go of People Who Aren’t Ready

Let go…

Of people who are not prepared to love you.

It’s not an attitude of pride, but of congruence.

You can, and may still, continue to love them, but with another perspective, and from another level of understanding, comprehension and awareness. It is the most difficult thing you may have to do in your life.

But it will also be the most critical thing you can do in your life.

Stop being linked to those who are not ready to love you.

Stop having difficult conversations with people who refuse to change. Stop appearing for people who are indifferent to your presence. Stop giving your love and energy to people who are simply not ready to accept what you have to offer and who are not ready to love YOU.

When you begin to be in your life completely, and when you develop a respectable level of self love, and give yourself joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to meet you there.

That does not mean you have to change who you are. That does not mean you should accommodate them or tolerate their inability to care. It means you need to get away from people who are not prepared to be with you.

If you are: excluded, easily ignored, ghosted or blocked, left on read, forgotten or subtly insulted by the person you so deeply care for, for the person you have gone out of your way for, and for the person you have been nothing but transparent and honest with, you are not doing yourself a favor.

Do not continue to offer them your energy and life.

The truth is…

You are not for everyone. Nor are they for you. That is what makes it SO special when you find people with whom you have a genuine friendship or relationship.  You will know just how precious it is, because you will have experienced what it’s not.

The more time you spend forcing someone to interact with you, forcing them to care, forcing them to “show up”, the more you are depriving yourself of something bigger, better, and more valuable.

There are millions of people on this planet. There is someone out there that will meet you at your energy, who will give you their time, who will respect your presence and what you have to offer.

There is someone out there with the same vibration that you have, that won’t leave you wondering who or what you mean to them.

The longer you stay for someone who uses you as a cushion, or second option, the longer you miss out on finding a community or person that is your match.

“Maybe they forgot me completely.”

“Maybe if I stop showing up, they’ll love me less.”

“Maybe if I stop pursuing, the messages will end…”

“If I stop loving then maybe the emotions will go away.”

That doesn’t mean you ruined a potential relationship

That doesn’t mean you are a bad person. It does not mean you gave up on them. They gave up on themselves.

It means that the only thing that sustained the relationship or connection you had was the energy that you and ONLY YOU put into it!

That is NOT love!

The most important thing that you can do for yourself and for your life is protect your energy more fierce than anything else.

Guard your life such as a way that only people who care, listen and truly connect with you are permitted inside.

You cannot save people.

You cannot convince people that they are worthy of bigger, and better things.

It’s not your job to give others pieces of your life in efforts to save them, because you feel sorry for them, or because you feel an obligation to care for those who are broken. At the end of the day, you may be afraid that they will not return that favor.

That is not love

To love is to release those who cannot reciprocate or love you the way you love them, so that they can move on in their life and learn how to properly love and care for others.

Your job is to move on. Care for yourself. Find someone with whom you can share in the reciprocity of healthy love. A love that’s not dependent on ego, or material items, status or benefits. It’s a love that’s based on a whole new level of consciousness.

You deserve a true commitment, and a complete love, from those who are healthy, energetically vibrant, inspiring, and prosperous. You deserve someone who compliments your state of being and doing. You deserve someone who respects your goals and dreams, craves to love in the same capacity they receive love.

When you start showing up to your life wholly and completely, with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone is going to be ready to meet you there.

Allow yourself to BE the love you are seeking to find.

Categories: Uncategorized

Growth in Discomfort

 

My mother struggled with borderline personality disorder when I was a young child. She was attentive, most of the time. But certain situations would trigger her fear of rejection and abandonment or childhood wounds and boom.

Just like that, she’d withdraw.

She’d isolate. Ignore. Not respond to us children. She’d give the silent treatment to my father. Nothing, and I mean nothing, would get her to come around.

It was hard, so vary hard, to understand what was going on when I was a child.

It was probably just as hard for my Dad – though in all honesty, it was challenging for different reasons. He was a narcissist who got supply from my mother. People with borderline personality disorder seem to be drawn to narcissists and vice versa – for a narcissist, they have an endless form of supply. Someone they can use and abuse. For the borderline, they fear rejection and abandonment so they are that needy, co-dependent person that sticks to the person with narcissistic patterns of behavior in efforts to prevent being alone.

Being alone was her biggest fear

As I grew up, my mothers triggers became worse. Her silent bouts went for longer periods of time – for days, then weeks, then months. Imagine, as a child, having to care for yourself because your parent won’t acknowledge or speak to you? It was such a sad, confusing and aggravating thing to deal with as a young adult.

Now, I’m an adult – my mother has since passed on. My father, while he is still alive, still struggles with narcissistic patterns of behavior – and as a result, I have discontinued that relationship. But the fears of abandonment, and rejection are still there. In full force .

For the majority of my marriage, I largely felt alone, misunderstood and unseen. I took care of the children in great depth, the household was maintained and I was motivated to keep busy by way of working.  Eventually, my unhappiness led to a breaking point in the marriage where I was not willing to work on it to make it vibrant again – it would never be vibrant because there was no connection with my (then) husband. Every day was just a day at surviving the next.

Until I met someone incredibly special

I was over the moon. This person made me feel things I have NEVER felt before. But then… boom. He was gone. For weeks at a time, only to return, and leave again. Compound this over the course of several years – running, returning, ghosting, not responding, blocking, unblocking — it hurts, so massively, to be in this separation. Separation hurts – because it stirs all the wounds you have been carrying – rejection, abandonment; it makes you feel unloved, unworthy.

Here is the person that seems perfect in every day, that makes you feel over the moon happy, that you have connected with more intimately than you have ever imagine and whom you have loved more intensely than you have ever loved anything. Up until this separation, they seem to feel the same way about you. But suddenly it stops. They leave you on read, then they block, and disappear without a word. They don’t say why. They may not even know why. How can someone you feel so connected to just suddenly ghost you one day when everything seemed to be blissful the day prior?

The person on the receiving end of the rejection can’t seem to walk away quite that easily because they wholeheartedly love the one that is indecisive. Cue now rejection wounds, abandonment wounds, betrayal wounds, and all of the traumas you have buried since childhood. They are now already shaking loose, they are rising to the service. And you are going to have to FEEL them. It is painful.

Previously, you never knew these issues were affecting you. You may have been with a karmic (boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse) that NEVER made you feel this way. And that is because that karmic relationship was “safe”. It may have not been the relationship of your dreams, and it may have been emotionally unfulfilling but it was safe.

And what’s safe is comfortable, even if it’s toxic.

It’s hard to face the truths because it’s hurts to confront our old traumas. It hurts to feel that old pain. And separation is a challenging time. And this situation continues to repeat itself…  conversation, then left on read, then boom – they ghost you, block you and weeks later they return as if everything is fine.

Every time this happens a new layer of wounds is brought to the surface to be healed, again. And again. Until the runner leaves, yet again, in fear that these feelings he/she feels are not real, or to escape the fear that he isn’t capable of this kind of love, or he will get hurt. His fears of rejection, abandonment, low confidence are core wounds – instead, he’s living in his ego – comfort, money, materialism, or religion, because he can’t bear to succumb to a life of discomfort without those items. The runner hurts in a way, but the journey doesn’t get easier.

Running is a reaction to fear

Fear is a program deeply rooted in us. It began as children – and it was programmed in our brain. You can’t fear the connection with that person. You must embrace it, and in doing so, embrace yourself.

The runner will tend to have a stoic nature.. they’ll try to fake happiness after meeting you, they’ll even run back to their regular life. They’ll try to stay in their old patterns and resist new changes to ward off possible triggers. The runner will even forge new connections, immerse themself in work, social media, even the outdoors – they’ll try to forget what they are feeling.

They’ll run from the present. They’ll do this because they are running from uncomfortable feelings, from words, from believing — you run from God.

If you have met someone who runs, you will go through severe emotional distress – all of your core wounds will be triggered.  Your twin will upheave your life, they’ll turn everything upside down. Their presence will make you realize that you have been lying to yourself for years – it’s likely that you won’t even know just who you are. Deep down, you’ll crave a higher, emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy – but you’ll go through every emotion imaginable when that person deserts you, ghosts, blocks, and even leaves you on read.

It is in those times, you must be thankful for this time. By triggering your core wounds of fear, rejection, abandonment, you’ll grow as a person. You’ll become a better person, you’ll start to love yourself and your own company. You’ll grow in your understanding of others, become more patient and tolerant with your children, and even yourself.

In essence ,you will become your TRUE self. For without those triggers, you would have never realized just how much love you have given to everyone but yourself. Eventually, earthly things become less interesting and old patterns become annoying. Use positive emotions of gratitude for those old things; use gratitude and compassion towards those who are still stuck in earthly ways – money, status, “stuff”, and superficial relationships.

For there is no growth without discomfort.

 

Categories: Relationships

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

 

The ironic thing is, you don’t have to be by yourself, or single, to feel lonely.

Many people assume that if you are married, or dating, that you will never feel lonely. Unfortunately, many people eventually may discover that spending time with the wrong person, or being in the wrong relationship, can lead you to feeling empty and lonely, too.

If that relationship you have isn’t the right fit for you..

Or if that person abuses you mentally, physically, emotionally, or withholds things from you, then time spent with that person is not the enriching, inspiring, uplifting experience that it should be.

In a way, being in that type of situation can prevent you from growing as a person. You may find yourself feeling more inferior, and you may try to be more accommodating to encourage them to treat you differently (ie gain attention or approval).

You will twist yourself silly just trying to get any positivity from them in the form of approval.

This, in general, can lead to extreme loneliness. Then, eventually, you will wonder if the relationship was really a struggle, if it was due to things you did, and lead you to question the entire relationship in general. It’ll make you question yourself. You’ll soon start blaming yourself for the marriage or relationship not being what you need or thought it would be.

Why is it so hard to leave?

Leaving a relationship where you feel like the only “key” player, or with someone who makes you feel like the only key player can be ever so challenging. On the outside, it may appear as if you and your partner/spouse have it all together.

However, most people may not even be aware of the inner turmoil going on in your life that makes it so hard to quit.

Perhaps you have known this person for years – you grew up with this person, you have shared memories from the past. You may feel obligated to give them a second or third chance just to be fair. You may do it out of obligation of your duties as a spouse – if you are a husband, you feel a certain level of duty to keep your marriage together. You may also cling to the fact that one day, they may change and so leaving now would be a terrible thing, because you’ll lose everything that you could have had, especially if your spouse changes for the better.

It might be hard to leave because you’re not where you are financially. My ex husband was very unhappy in our marriage but sought out affair partners as his temporary fix… all because:

He didn’t want to risk the financial implications of divorce

He didn’t want to pay child support

He didn’t want to “start over” at the age of 41

He did not want to lose the wife [MOTHER], me, he had caring for him and his kids at home – ie. cooking, cleaning, laundry, because those things were not his duty or responsibility.

He stayed because of money. His life was based on material items. Those things don’t travel to the grave though on your last dying days. He chose to be unfaithful because that way, he could get his needs met, yet still have everything taken care of at home., without the financial implications that come with divorce.

Money comes and goes…. your priority should be your inner happiness and peace.

For others… those reasons might be similar. Others can also be unwilling to leave for many additional reasons:

  1. Fear… you’re afraid of making a mistake – regretting it later, essentially. You might also be afraid it will ruin your children’s life. You may also fear that you will hurt your spouse – perhaps she is a good woman, but you just can’t get along.  You fear the loss that may come with divorce – the hurt you’ll experience from in laws, family, and friends… and if you are the one initiating the divorce, you fear the blame – they’ll see her as the victim, and you as the bad guy. Nobody wants to be the bad guy – especially men.
  2. Guilt.. perhaps you feel guilty that you didn’t try hard enough, because you vowed to keep your marriage and you don’t want to let yourself or others down. If you had an affair, you may feel guilty because of that, or maybe you feel guilt because you regret your hurtful actions – you may not realize just how destructive they were.
  3. Finances… face it, divorce can be expensive, and it may be a challenging thing to accept that your finances will take a sharp dive. If you are struggling on two incomes now, you may not be so sure how living on one will work.
  4. Religion .. this was a big one for me. In some ways, religion may play a huge part, sometimes we feel guilt to our creator, God, for wanting to pursue a divorce thinking that we are not entitled to happiness or care in our marriage. So we stay and work it out admit the absence of those essential needs.
  5. We hope it will improve…in essence, you ignore the issues, and tell yourself you’re just trying to make the best of a bad situation. You hope your spouse or things will change for the better, or you blame yourself for their unwillingness to make the changes required to make it work. Deep down, you hope for change, because you feel a sense of obligation to your spouse and family.

Lastly, you tell yourself that things aren’t that bad – I did that, for 15 years. I was comfortable with the familiar, even though it was toxic. I told myself that if I tried more, did more, exerted more effort, it would be “okay”. No, I was not happy but I was not willing to disrupt the COMFORT of a toxic marriage, for something far better – personal growth, and self love.

In my situation, it came down to fear of the unknown. Fear of having to do things by myself, fear of losing finances, and fear of being uncomfortable.

However, the only way to achieve personal growth is by going outside of your comfort zone. You cannot grow as a person if you are not exposed to new, life challenging experiences that shape and mold the person you are.

Love yourself – do what your heart calls

It may be hard to leave a relationship behind. However, your first obligation is to your mental and psychological well being. Treat yourself with the same care you would show to your loved ones – family and friends.

If your partner has, up until now, left you feeling lonely, misunderstood, unseen or sad on an ongoing daily basis, you can guarantee that that will eventually continue. While people can change, most people won’t chance, unless they recognize their actions and take a good look at how their actions have affected those around them.

Many people struggle with self reflection because to self reflect is to admit that we have failed in some area in our lives and that there is room for improvement.

Freeing yourself from an unhealthy situation is an act of self-love that must be taken.

Enjoy your own company

When you spend time by yourself, you will learn to become empowered – no longer will you find the need to depend on the opinions or approval of others to validate your every day life choices. Nor will you require other people’s approval for the basis if your self esteem.

Being alone helps you self reflect without the influences of the outside world… you’ll come to have faith in your own judgement and actions, without depending on the opinions of others.  Time spent alone in solitude and self reflection is worlds better than being with someone who makes you feel inferior, unseen, unheard, or hollow.

It’s painful, considering divorce. It was for me. And sometimes, it’s easier to accept the way things are. But how long will that work?

 

Categories: Twin Flame

You Saved Me

 

And for that, I am and forever will be thankful for you.

You may not ever see this. But I want to write this anyways.

I am so thankful for you.  That one late evening when I laid in my kids room, scrolling through Instagram and found you. You were holding a half of a gallon of milk. I remember that day like it was yesterday, yet it seems years ago.

It was that moment that I was drawn to you.

Little did I know that eventually, late one night, you’d respond to my IG story – I remember vividly … it was lightning. And I loved sitting on the desolate, desert road on State Trust land to watch the storms.  It was my only exit from the house and the only thing that kept me from sinking into a very dark place.

I was elated to talk to you. I could have chatted with you all night.

That moment, I felt like I had met my counterpart in male form. Everything resonated with me. I was fascinated by you…I wanted to talk to you all day long…but you were several hours away. Every time I heard your voice, I was elated. I still feel that way today.

The moment that you messaged me changed my entire life. The trajectory of everything going forward would never be the same. Your wit, your personality, your humor…. your skill, your brain – everything, made such an impact on me. I felt as if everything changed for me at that moment. I was dying – physically dying, and spiritually dying. There’s no way that things would align the same way now to make that same opportunity arise.

Where I was at the time was killing me. I was dead inside – I felt suffocated and trapped, and I had no idea how to exit. It was taking a toll on me mentally, and physically. Inside, I was spiritually dying. Every day that passed I was moving farther into spiritual death.

You saved me.

You gave me hope. Your nuggets of positivity I held to… and it was those tiny nuggets that helped me reach the next day. I would wake up and look at the sky to the east, thinking about where I was. Where I wanted to be. And I knew, getting out of where I was could very well be the end of me and everything I had worked for. I was scared… terrified honestly, terrified of failure. I was fearful I’d lose everything. I was scared I was going to lose myself.

But you saved me.

You don’t know the impact you have on someone’s life sometimes… and even when they share that inspiration you exert you may still not believe it. But you did – you had such a huge impact on my life in more ways than you will ever understand. I felt like I had chains shackling me down… I was so far down the hole I didn’t ever think I would get out. I was married to someone who constantly belittled me and everyone else around him. I was never supported, recognized or respected. At first, I chalked it up to being just what “men do”.

But I knew I was wrong.

When I saw you picking asters for your partner I was jealous. I was also sad — sad to see that there were people that existed that actually did things of joy for their partner. I wanted someone to do that for me. You spent time with your partner — concerts, trips… dressing up for Halloween. I have never known such a thing.

So it made me question where I was. Why didn’t anyone do that for me? Why wasn’t I “enough”? I wanted someone to do those things for me, to make me feel special… to make me a priority in their life.  It was the opposite. I knew I’d never have that opportunity and it made me sad.

You saved me.

You may have been overwhelmed often; you left, frequently, for long periods of time. You went on fun family trips to Florida… to Disney, and it was painful. It was painful to see you share your time with others. I walled up my emotions and tried to push through but I couldn’t. I liked you far too much. If I didn’t like you, it wouldn’t have hurt to see you enjoying time with others.

Those little nuggets of inspiration you gave me gave me enough courage to file for divorce. I felt a vibrational mismatch, and before long, I felt an immediate need to leave my current relationship.

God knew that I would either continue to reject him or end up dead – if not physically and psychologically, then spiritually. I had, for years, made attempts to salvage what society regards as a lifelong institution (marriage). But deep down in my heart, our lives and values were vastly different. I knew, then, that I was unable to truly love and accept myself. In the final years of my marriage, the pull to find the real me was incredibly strong – such is the conflict and turmoil that I was dealing with on a daily basis.

I was in a marriage that was a low vibrational match. I didn’t wake up with a feeling of renewed purpose, nor was I inspired by the very person that inhabited a home with me. His lack of respect, and his repeated affairs were a deliberate attempt to destroy my inner self confidence. It’s very challenging to describe – but it’s a stifling, suffocating feeling.

You saved me.

Taking that leap of faith was a challenging one. For almost 20 years, I was financially reliant on someone else. I had children. I owned property. I had a business. I was scared of losing everything I worked so hard for. Even more, I was fearful of losing my children to someone that I knew would make a point of destroying my life just to get satisfaction from seeing me struggle.  We were in a time of COVID – my ad revenue from my writing had tanked due to the economy. I had no family locally, nor did I have family in general.

I had nothing.

You saved me.

You may not realize this, but your energy gave me daily inspiration to push forward and take that leap of faith. No, I didn’t know how I was going to raise 5 kids on my own meager income. I did not know how I was going to afford to pay rent in a high cost of living city. Nor did I know how my business was going to continue – especially in this economy, with the challenges of community property divorce laws. I did not want to lose what I worked so hard to earn.  But I did.

  • I lost everything… the only thing I kept was my business name. The financials were gone
  • I lost all of my children’s college funds …. I was the only one who contributed to them since their birth. Eighty thousand ($80,000) in college education – gone
  • I lost my savings
  • I lost all of the vehicles I had bought over the years with my hard earned savings as well…. I didn’t believe in car payments, so I worked hard to pack away cash to buy vehicles. Now, they were no longer mine.
  • I went through what I thought was the most emotionally and physically desctructive two years of a divorce, almost all of it in the same home together
  • He left one of our children on the roof of the house and left … leaving him with no way to get down
  • He lost his temper and destroyed my backyard with an axe – a 20×8 retaining wall, concrete planters, and six raised beds full of beautiful Swiss chard, garlic, tomatoes, cucumbers, and more
  • He threatened the children and hit them repeatedly with the belt, putting holes in the wall of our home, breaking doors down when they tried to hide from him
  • I watched my children lock their bedroom and cut through the screens on their windows of their front house bedroom just to race down the street and hide in the bushes at the park – just to get away from him and his anger outbursts
  • He removed the starter fuse from my truck in attempts to disable the truck from starting and moving, trapping me in the home for days at a time
  • He wrapped carpet around the front axle of my truck to prevent the truck from moving and in attempts to lock the axle and destroy the vehicle
  • Knowing I worked at home full time, and homeschooled children, he asked the cable company to run a second cable line for his job, then walked outside and cut the cable line belonging to the kids and I so as to prevent me from schooling them, and prevent me from earning a living
  • He stopped paying his share of the household bills, utilities and mortgage – with over $2,000 in bills each month, I was robbing Peter to pay Paul, in efforts to just make it one more month in that house with no financial help
  • He threatened to take full custody of the children, because I was a “bad mother” who failed to “obey him”.
  • He put video cameras and audio devices up throughout the house to record every movement made by the kids and I

Looking back, it was horrific — to think that I managed to make it through that two year period. I was so miserable at home, and so fearful, I would wake up each morning, and pack up the kids to get them away from the house.  I would drag the kids and all of their homework to the park and spend the entire day somewhere else just to avoid going home. Once home, the only place of safety was my truck – I’d lock myself inside the truck for hours at a time to avoid being ridiculed in the house.

Before the divorce, I was hesitant to leave even though I knew that was the best thing I could have done. I was scared because I didn’t want to lose “stuff”.  Obviously, I did not want to lose my kids. But I didn’t want to lose the other “stuff” — the material items that I needed, used, and had paid for. Emotionally, I was far removed. But I was comfortable with the situation so I remained. And in a sense, I was too comfortable to want to lose things that, eventually, did not matter to me at all.

To years later, all the “stuff” I was scared to lose…. I lost. Looking back, it was just that: stuff.

You saved me.

I don’t know how I made it through that period of time. You, were the light in my life for all that time. You gave me the ONLY glimmer of hope in a time of darkness. When nothing else was making sense, you were the only source of positivity.

I don’t know how I managed to forge my way through. I was Christian, but not attending church. My faith was far from what it should have been. You and you alone encouraged me to draw closer to God. Because I drew closer to him, my children followed suit. After much prayer, they all started to become more involved in our church.

It was a contentious custody battle, over $125,000 spent (money I did not have…) and counting. I kept an online diary each day for several years to recount my experiences. Nothing mattered. Nobody listened, not a single person cared.

I placed the kids in counseling.

I put myself in counseling.

I started family counseling with the kids and I.

I spent over $11,000 in counseling alone that first year following my divorce. I worked hard to re-establish my business. I got into a rental despite the cost of living and home prices. I am far, far from where I want to be. But two years later, I am still here.

Money has been tight. But I haven’t missed a rent payment.

Money has been tight. But I’m grateful for the food bank.

My bank account is in the positive. It’s not where I want it to be, but it’s slowly getting there.

I’m thankful for community resources to help people, like me, that struggle on a daily basis.

I don’t have the ability to have the life and stuff that most others have. But I have what I need – my kids, my mobility, and the capacity to love immensely. I have the ability to drive just over two miles every morning to a mountain that’s free to climb – so I can meditate, and pray about the things I am grateful for.

You have inspired me to work harder. I have started new businesses, made new products, found more avenues for revenue. You helped me do that.

Most of all, you saved me. You saved me from what was an emotionally destructive marriage… I was losing myself, I was spiritually dead, and I was (in a large sense), dependent on someone else. That loyalty and co-dependency was leading to my death.

And YOU saved me.

I never in a million years thought I could do anything on my own accord/merit. I am raising 5 kids as a single parent, with an ex-spouse who does not reliably pay support, nor does he reliably pay medical, dental, or other. I am homeschooling 5 kids and taking care of that expense without any help. I run 5 businesses on Etsy, 1 small business off Etsy, and 4 blogs. I am always tired… I have high expectations of myself, but I am here.

I have my mobility.

I have the ability to love my children on a massive scale. And in return, my kids feel loved and cared for beyond their wildest dreams. We have made memories – many of them with you, that we will never forget.

Most of all, I have these feelings for you that will never, ever change. I love you, more than you will ever know. I respect you, so incredibly much. I feel sad when you are sad. I am in pain to see you live your life with others. But I need to learn to accept that the love I have for you may not be something you feel back.

Nonetheless, it doesn’t take away the fact that you saved me, and in turn, five others. The greatest gift you can give someone is the gift of time; combined with love, respect, and encouragement, you have given me (and still do) inspiration that I have never had in my life.

Nobody has ever done for me what you have done. Nobody has ever made me feel the way you have. Nobody ever will.

Meeting a real, true love causes ultimate upheaval in every area of our lives. It’s not like any normal relationship – it is an entirely different experience that words cannot accurately describe. The awakening we experience causes our vibration and energy to jump – we are now accurately aware of the suppression we were under for the years prior.

No longer can you align with where you once were. Staying in the old relationship seems far fetched. Every second that goes by, you feel a pressure to follow a greater calling, a bigger energy. I left my situation because I could not align with where I once was. I could never, go back to where I was before.

You will always be part of my life, even though you choose to spend your life with someone else.

God places people in our lives to help draw us closer to Him and grow in faith, which will in turn help us grow into a better version of ourselves. God knows what we need. He wants us to draw closer to him, so he orchestrates encounters to help us do that.

You are that encounter.

You could melt my heart with just one look. You could make even the worst days better with your voice. Just being next to you made my heart race. Just a simple touch of your hand calmed me down – even your natural sent was inspiring. You share with me many of the same core values, worries, fears, ideals, and sense of humor.

When you communicated with me, no matter what I said, you seemed to understand without me even having to explain. It felt like you were on the same page with me more times than not. Before meeting you in person, without even having seen you or knowing the details of your life, I felt an immediate, undeniable, strong attraction. I felt like I had known you forever. I instinctively trusted you. The love I feel for you transcends everything. Just interacting with you made me get the most beautiful of butterflies again, and again. 🦋🦋🦋🦋

You…

Are my sweetest fantasy. The person I want and find myself daydreaming about all day. When I met you in person to experience you, everything else was irrelevant in the big scheme of things. No matter the circumstances or obstacles surrounding you, or me, you always made me feel safe and at home.

There aren’t enough words to capture just how crazy I feel about you. Nothing, and nobody has ever in my life had that effect on me – nobody will ever make me feel the way you make me feel.

I will forever be grateful for your influence in my life. In the lives of my children. I will always love you, that will not change.

Categories: Relationships

Never Enough

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection on where I am at in my life, and trying to make sense of this question:

Why am I never good enough?

Something is pushing me to think hard about things that have transpired over the last several years and more. In all honesty, that question comes up on a daily basis – why, then, am I never good enough for those around me.

Many of these thoughts stem from a very inadequate childhood. My borderline mother and narcissistic father were never emotionally filling parents. Overly critical, everything I did was examined to the utmost degree- and even then, nothing was ever good enough for what they needed their daughter to be.

As a result, I learned to just put my head down to the ground with blinders on and move forward. I was in fact, a loner — I learned to focus on academics, work, and myself, with little time left for friends and fun.  Such is the reason my work ethic is so strong –  at the age of 16 I was moved to a foster home and I had nobody to rely on but myself. I was placed in this home without anything but the clothes upon my back. Everything I have, I have worked hard to establish on my own merit.

Several years later, I found myself in the military. Four years and several overseas field exercises and deployments, my high school was nothing but a distant memory.  Rarely, if ever, did I hear from my parents. I found myself keeping to myself in the service – I was focused on the mission at hand, working with pride and attending night school to further my academics. But even then, I was not desirable to anyone despite my loyalty, and work ethic. Not even to my own parents.

Just a few months shy of getting out of the service, I met a man that I ended up getting married with. There were not sparks, or fireworks… looking back, it was a decision made in haste. I always thought marriage was an extraordinary feeling of comfort and peace with someone, but I never once felt that. For some reason, I still felt like I was unseen, unheard, and largely misunderstood.  But I pushed on, because I figured that it would get better with time, and kids. Or, perhaps I was just expecting too much.

Eighteen years of marriage flew by and so did the revelation that my (then) husband had over a half dozen affairs. Feelings of betrayal, anger, frustration, and confusion hit me hard.  While I initially chose to stay, I realized that was the worst thing I could have done – I discredited myself and allowed him to think I wasn’t putting myself first. So I remained. And he continued to disrespect and betray me with even more infidelity.

How can your spouse, any spouse, remain in a committed relationship through acts of infidelity?  I failed to understand what I was doing wrong, and blamed myself for his repeated actions. It never occurred to me that he was the reason for his continued infidelity.  Instead, I blamed myself for not being enough – in looks, actions, ethic, and even personality.

Eventually, the betrayal mounted to the point of no return – I walled off my anger, and shut off our marriage one cold November morning. I was done. And there was no looking back or attempts for reconciliation.

The days that followed were some of the most difficult and darkest days of my life. I had no desire to associate with people, or even so much as be on any type of social media. I cut myself out of every area of my life I was once associated with. I removed my social media accounts, blocked and deleted contacts from my phone, and failed to return emails from people who once were significant friends in my life.

I felt no obligation to anyone but myself. I hesitated to trust anyone and everyone. How could I? My own spouse had betrayed me.

So am I good enough?

I never quite understood what prompted my ex husband’s infidelity for all those years.  I started to examine my actions to determine if I was, truly, the root of the problem, not realizing (in the end) that infidelity is and was HIS choice.

  • It is an easy way to avoid responsibility.
  • It’s an immature way of dealing with marital unhappiness.
  • It shows a lack of self control.
  • It shows entitlement, self consumption and selfishness.
  • And most of all, it shows an unwillingness to cooperate, communicate and respect the person you made a vow to be with for the rest of your life

Who am I?

I was the wife, but I was also so many other things –

  • I was the mother of our 5 beautiful children.
  • I was self employed, yet still homeschooled all 5.
  • I spent copious amounts of time cooking for the family – not only did I enjoy being in the kitchen, food was my love language.
  • When the family vehicles needed work, I was the one who took care of the maintenance – from changing oil to alternators, serpentine belt, brakes, battery replacement, radiator and even water pump. We rarely ever had a need for a mechanic because I was that mechanic.
  • Our yard was always well maintained – I was the lawn maintenance crew, the garage cleaner, the housekeeper…
  • I was the primary parent who transported children everywhere and all over.
  • I was patient, I was compassionate, I was at no point jealous or controlling. I worked hard, rarely put my needs before everyone else, and was a “rock” for the family. Despite being what I thought he and the kids needed, I wasn’t – I was still NOT enough.

Had I have been enough, the infidelity wouldn’t have ever happened. Or so I told myself.

One fall day, I was introduced to another man who went on to become my entire world. In the beginning, I knew he was different than others… he was humble, kind, compassionate, and had the most generous personality.

We spent time laughing and getting to know each other, having deep conversations about life and family and many of our own fears. But from the very beginning, I knew that due to circumstances in his life, I would never be “someone” to him.

Over time, I made trips to visit, spent copious amounts of time and money traveling back and forth 6 hours each way. I grew to absolutely adore this person, and could only hope he felt the same way. I am still head over heels for him, all this time later, and often wonder if he, too, feels the same.

So many trips resulted in me being stuck in a hotel room, 6 hours away, without a single phone call or attempt to see me despite me driving the distance. At first, I chalked it up to various excuses – work, family, etc. But over time, it wore on me “why, am I still not enough?”

Holidays come and go, to no avail….

Even my own birthday comes and goes… 

I will go to the longest lengths to show love to those in my life. I will sacrifice my own well being, to make your birthday the most special, spectacular day around. I will make you cards, care packages, baked goods, and even cute boxes to show you just how much you mean to me.

It is difficult, when you are someone who puts the needs of everyone else above your own in attempt to make them feel undoubtedly special, only to be ignored in return. It begs the question “why am I not good enough?”

Despite being able to get to know each other, I am left in confusion. Perhaps I looked too much for something that was not meant to be there.  Deep down, however, I can’t shake this feeling I have for him.

I am madly in love with this person and will always be. But I can only venture to guess that he just doesn’t care and doesn’t want anything to do with me.

And one day, if he and I ever cross paths again, he’ll likely just walk past me as if he never met me in the first place.

Here I am, still trying to answer this question – why? Why me?

  • If you truly loved me, why would you avoid responding to me?
  • If you truly loved me as much as you proclaim to, why would you fail to show all those times that I made the trip to you?
  • If you truly loved me, why would I be stuck, broken down in a truck, for 12 hours, in a city 7 hours away from home, with no cell phone signal, waiting for anyone, just anyone to rescue me?
  • Why, if you loved me, would my birthday come and go without any measurable effort?
  • Why, if you loved me, would you be so indecisive?
  • Why would you just ignore someone you love?
  • And how can you spend your time loving someone else when you say you love me as much as you do? I certainly cannot consciously do that.

I have so many questions…. yet so few answers. What more do I need to do, say or give in terms of myself, to be seen? Perhaps I really am just not enough … and perhaps I am beating a dead horse, holding onto hope that one day you will realize the level of love I feel for you.

In the end, my conclusion is this:

I’ll never be good enough for the wrong person. No matter how much I do, say or give of myself, the wrong person will never be moved by me. But I’ll always be good enough for the right person.

Despite knowing who I am, and what is in my heart and soul, I’ll just never be good enough for him.

To me, he’s looking for someone else with checkboxes that I will never be able to reach. It’s not that I’m not lovable – it’s just that his taste and preference is something that I will never have or fit. At this point, no matter what I say or do, I’m obviously not a fit for what he’s looking for.

Do I wish I had the traits to be who he is looking for? I’ll admit, it’s not me. I’ll never be “her”, so I’ll never be good enough for him. I just have to accept and move past it, as hard as it is.

But… one thing is certain. I’ll always be good enough for the right person. 

To the right person, I’ll be everything and more.  Each relationship has taught me something to learn from. That for me, I don’t need anyone in my life who isn’t certain with how they feel about me.

I am enough to myself.

  • If you were enough to others, then others wouldn’t have left you wondering why you weren’t/aren’t enough.
  • If you were enough to others, infidelity wouldn’t be popping up in your marriage.
  • If you were enough, you wouldn’t have to take yourself to forums and message boards to ask why you aren’t enough.
  • If you were enough, people would show up when you show up for them.
  • If you were enough, you’d be celebrated – on your birthday and for your accomplishments, heck – you’d be celebrated for being you.
  • If you were enough, you wouldn’t have to beg for a response.

Just remember that you will always be just enough, and more, for the right person.