Sometimes it’s hard to make a change, even when you know you really need to (and, even when you know that you’d feel much better if you did).

As humans, we gravitate towards what we know; We stay in our comfort zones, even when we are unhappy.

Or, even when they become uncomfortable.

Sometimes we even stay in our comfort zones even if we were never all too comfortable in the first place. Our body may be giving us signals – inability to focus, inner turmoil, destructive sleep patterns, and more.

Think of it like this: you’re curled up on a cozy sofa with a hot cup of coffee and a really good book (or, perhaps your computer). You’ve got a nice, fluffy blanket keeping you warm, and you’re getting ready to put some good mileage in your book.

But there’s a small problem: your coffee is cold, you are dying to go to the bathroom and you can’t find the channel changer – and you don’t want to get up.

Being comfortable with a blanket, a book and coffee, but not being willing to get up, use the restroom and find the controller is comparative to being in an unhappy marriage. There are many couples that seem absolutely miserable – yet they stay together. They may be in a loveless, sexless marriage, or they may complain/fight constantly or they are filled with deep resentment. Not satisfied with their life (or relationship), they are too comfortable to make a move to change anything.

The question to ask is – why do people stay in relationships in which they are not happy, fulfilled, or loved? The answer comes down to comfort. As humans, we tend to stick with what is comfortable (no matter how miserable we are) – that, and we are deeply scared of change.

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”

It’s very easy to ‘like’ these quotes we see on social media that suggest that we shake off fear and ward off comfortability in favor our pursuits. But when it comes to action, we tend to hesitate.

My ex husband had an affair the first year we were married. I should have left then (or at least taken that as a signal…) but I remained. One affair turned into two, which turned into half a dozen… I emotionally disconnected even before our first child was born. I was, at that time, already financially intertwined with someone I knew I didn’t want to stay with. It was at that time, that I looked back and asked myself how I had gotten that far …

• we had nothing in common
• he was continually putting me down, shaming me and showing blatant disrespect..
• I did not enjoy being around this person
• he did not encourage, inspire, or support the way a life partner should
• he was arrogant, condescending and continually angry

But I remained – out of comfort. Fear that I could not make it on my own as a single mother, fear that I could not provide for myself, and fear that I would grow old, alone, without someone to share my time with. Obviously I did not want to grow with him, but the stigma of being alone was daunting.

So I remained.

As the years passed, his affairs became more frequent, longer-lasting… some of them lasted for years. I remained, once again, out of comfort. But looking back at the entirety lead me to ask ..

“Why do men remain in marriages where they are clearly not happy?”

More times than not, women remain in unhappy marriages because they are financially bound. In the case of my situation, looking back, it was easy to see why he remained in the marriage despite being unhappy:

• he knew that he could get away with another affair, whether emotional or physical
• the thought of dividing the finances and paying child support was not something that excited him
• he was worried about what people (friends and family) would say..
• at the age of 41, he was fearful that he wouldn’t find someone else that he could go and manipulate to his advantage
• he had a wife at home that was an over-giver – she cleaned, she cooked, she chauffeured, she took care of the yard and automobiles.. why would he leave? He had it made, in a sense.
• Lastly – he was comfortable. He may not have been happy but he had the luxury of fulfilling his needs with women outside of the marriage yet had a slave at home to do everything he didn’t want to do.

How do we step outside of our comfort zones?

I think we need to be honest with ourselves. I spent a long time telling myself and those around me that I was fine. But deep down, I knew that I was extremely lonely, emotionally detached, and unhappy where I was. Very very unhappy.

It was then that I realized that I’d rather be alone than be with the wrong person.

Leaving any relationship is scary. We live in a fear-based culture, where we don’t have the language to attach to what we fee. So we do things that allow fear to manifest in our lives – drinking is fear, drugs are fear, substances are fear, anxiety is fear and jealousy is also fear.  One can also allow that fear to manifest by overworking – which is how I dealt with my fear.

We need to look honestly at where we are in our lives and ask if we are in a relationship that’s a miserable-comfortable or a happy-comfortable. If it is a miserable comfortable, then that’s a sign that something has to change. I knew, desperately, that something had to change.

I knew that he was unwilling to step out of that comfort zone and initiate the divorce, so I did.  With that step, came a long period of discomfort, fear, uncertainty, and frustration.

As uncomfortable and scary as that step was, it allowed me to discover more about myself, what I expect from a partner, and propelled my relationship with my kids into something far greater and deeper than ever before.

 

Disbelief is a big reason why people stay with a narcissist. They can’t get past their projection of their own mind, so they think that there is something wrong with their intelligence. It doesn’t help that the narcissist is a master manipulator at wearing down your intelligence subtly over time, so that you no longer trust your inner intuition.

Under normal circumstances, we might be able to walk away from our abuser and look elsewhere for help.  Unfortunately, when you are with a narcissist, conditions are anything “but” normal.

Narcissists target those who are gullible, with little to no relationship experience. By doing this, they have nothing to compare their current experience with a narcissist. Their victim is easier to manipulate and control when they are naive, gullible and have little to no relationship experience.

I was already conditioned to accept disrespect and manipulation, and maltreatment because of my childhood. This is one reason that domestic violence victims don’t leave their abusers. If you have experience growing up in a toxic household, or with a parent who displayed narcissistic patterns of behavior, being with a narcissist as a spouse is somewhat similar. You will not have anything to compare your current relationship with because all you know is what you have seen or experienced in the past. Both my mother and father were entirely different people behind closed doors. It took all four of us children growing up and leaving for people in the community and even in our own family to see that my parents had psychological issues that contributed to the drifting of our family.

I believed in the power of my self sacrificing love so I stayed, when in reality, I should have left. One thing that was constantly reinforced as a child (of a narcissist) was my ability to give. I have always been a giver, by nature. As an adult, I relate to others by giving. And because narcissists are constantly “hunting” for empaths who will “give” (ad nauseam), and give to the point of their own self destruction.

At some level, I did not leave because I thought the way he treated me was normal. Familiarity is a very challenging pattern to break. When I was already conditioned to accept disrespect, manipulation and maltreatment, I thought it was normal. It wasn’t until I started to see other relationships (social media, in public, at church), that I thought that something may be crucially messy about my relationship.

I lacked the ability to see warning lights, despite the fact that they were glowing red for years. As a child, I wasn’t allowed to have boundaries (I was raised by a narcissistic father and borderline mother), so although there were many red flags, I brushed them off, thinking that they weren’t really anything to be concerned about.

I was tied financially, without the ability to leave.  I was married to someone who made a great deal of money and controlled the money in a sense, so as to prevent me to have or spend money without knowing every detail of what was being purchased. Narcissistic abusers use power and control to financially abuse victims. They do this by using the finances to control, threaten, manipulate and control the victim – after all, money is power.

I believed his threats to take the kids and get full custody. I have always been the primary parent, main caretaker of our children since the day they were born. I was always present to take them to church, Bible group, youth camp, practice, even so much as homeschooling all 5 children. He was never present yet always took credit for their accomplishments. Narcissists see divorce as a threat to control, causing them to lash out and manipulate their ex. They will often times threaten to fight for full custody because they know how important the children are to you and as a result, they will go to great lengths to “win”, at the expense of the children. They also see anything but full custody as a child support payment to you, the victim, and that’s not something they thoroughly enjoy the concept of.

Victims don’t understand that they are being abused. I remember going online on message boards for clarification to validate what my intuition was telling me, but years later, I was still in the same toxic place as before. I craved validation. There are days that I still do.

I didn’t wake up every morning wondering what people were trying to pull over me, wondering what they are trying to get from me. I did not take a class in how to spot master manipulators and the people they love to hate. I was caught with my guard down. Unless you have lived through it, and even when you do, there is NO simple path to understanding it.

I was very much overwhelmed for so long, and still to this day blame myself for being so unaware.  But eventually, my give a damn  got up and left and I realized exactly what was going on. I had absolutely no strength to push back anymore. I had nothing left in me.

Most people who are in a relationship with a narcissist are thrown off emotionally. Even if that relationship is void of love, affection, attention and respect, they are still thrown into a fire pit of emotional fury.

After all…

The whole goal of a narcissist is to throw you off center, so that you can never connect with yourself.

The only thing that you can control is yourself and your reaction to the world on the outside. You can’t control other people, and you certainly can’t control any particular situation. All you can control is yourself, and your reaction to situations.

This takes time and a lot of work outside of a narcissistically abusive relationship.

Learning how to cut ties with everyone in your life that doesn’t serve a purpose to your personal growth is critical. Instead, learning how to connect with yourself is the absolute most important thing you can do as it will make you stronger (as a person) and impenetrable to those who set out to look for people that they can take advantage of.

When you listen to your inner voice, everything will eventually fall into place. The process won’t be easy, and surely there will be bumps along the way – there will be times that you question your ability. But trust that you know what’s best for yourself.  If not, you will spend your entire life confused about what is acceptable treatment from people that are meant to love you, encourage you, support you, and build you up.

Narcissists want you to never listen to your inner voice; in fact, they want to replace it with their own. By creating that disillusionment within you, they have allowed you to question your intellect, your skills, talents, and your ability to truly love wholeheartedly.

If you listen to your inner voice and intuition, you will cut all ties with the narcissist and live the life that you were meant to live.

Hold your lantern and light the way.

For a Christian, that inner voice and intuition can be greatly enhanced by the Holy Spirit. He, and he alone is the fountain of wisdom and understanding. Those who “walk in the spirit” (Galations 5:16, 25) have the privilege of God’s perspective on many life decisions. He will guide us through the Scriptures – the Bible

Why do some “find” God in a way others do not?  It takes an open heart for one to be spiritually receptive – a heart open to receiving His word, something must urge us Godward. Only with spiritual receptivity can we influence our intuition to such an extent that we can walk blamelessly before God.