Twin Flame – Page 3

An Open Letter to You

This letter is for you.

You caught me off guard, all that time back. I remember the evening so clearly, and it feels like it was just yesterday.

I was more than fascinated – with you, your endeavors, your skills, your character, your personality, your charm, your humor. I had no idea who you were, and I never saw your face. But I do know that you were the reason I kept coming back to scroll every day.

I must admit, I fell for you then.

Little did I know I’d fall even harder over time. Forgive me, for feeling the way that I do. When you came into my life, there was so much turmoil that I was blind to see. Looking back, I can’t believe I endured the place I was in, because it was truly emotionally devastating. I was ridiculed, teased, disregarded, ignored and unloved. What I haven’t told you is that I kept an online diary each day for the last 4 years – in that diary I confessed my day to day situation, feelings, emotions and frustrations.

I haven’t read that diary in over a year. But today I came across that diary on accident when I ventured into the wrong folder on my computer. Full of unlabeled logs, I was just 2 paragraphs in a log dating back to 3/20/2020, and I was too overwhelmed to continue to read.

I have come so far.

I remember how I felt then.. I felt suffocated, as if I had no options. I felt like I had no way out. I was angry, then, to know that I had been so naive for so long, thinking that the way I felt was just trivial nonsense. I didn’t know what real love was, because, frankly – I had never experienced it.

Everyone describes love differently – is it an earth shattering feeling of bliss? Complacency? Comfort?

The problem is – everyone describes true, real, pure love differently because we all love differently. Everyone’s definition of love is widely different from another. So how do you know real, pure, love when it is right in front of your face?

I wasn’t looking for you at all…

In my case, I wasn’t looking for you at all. I was content – not with where I was, but with myself. I was working on myself and I led my days with that. But there was a part of me that must have knew you were coming into my life because I was drawn to you much similar to how you were to me. God had to have known that I needed a very specific love, a love that would help me climb out of the mess I was in and find a way to grow – personally and in my faith.

You snuck up on me. You were miles away. And yet, the moment you walked in that day, everything was done. Stick a fork in it – I knew at that moment, you were EVERYTHING.

I felt at peace.

I had no idea that I would feel the way I did. Nor did I know that things would progress the way they did over time.. things had to be synchronized in ways that can only be described as meant, planned, whatever you want to call it.

I have not gone a day without you in my heart or in my mind.

No, you aren’t perfect. I never expected you to be. But you inspire me on a daily basis. And the way you deal with your imperfections inspires me on a daily basis.

If there is one thing I have learned, it is that love has varied meanings, can take on many forms, and exist in varied degrees, depending on who you ask.

I hope, and pray daily, that you are learning to love yourself the way I love you – because if you could only see what I see, you would understand that you are meant to be someone that is so much bigger than the world (or others) have led you to believe. You must love yourself, and everything else will fall into place.

How can I settle for anything else?

I have grown to love the time spent with you – while limited, you continue to inspire me every day even in silence, and distance. That love continues to grow. I’m inspired by you largely and daily; not a moment goes by where you aren’t on my mind or heart.

How can I settle, or put a placeholder in a space where I know love should exist in an incomparable abundance?

With that first conversation, you opened a huge space of love in my heart, a love that I didn’t know was possible. Over time, I had to learn how to fill that space without you being by me every day, or personally grow into the person that you’d love to have in your life. I also understand that I may never be part of your life.

But that placeholder/space is still there. It will always be there. It can’t be filled with any other person, because nobody can fill that space like you can.

Without you, every emotion felt like a million knives… I struggled to clear the fog in my brain, and my eyes were a constant ocean of tears. You were and still are a constant image that plays in my mind. Even though we are miles apart, and even in silence, I could still feel your pain, I could feel when you were awake. I could feel your presence, too. I was only hopeful you could feel “me” too.

I never knew….

I never knew love could feel like this. It’s an overwhelming feeling of emotion – love, safety, peace, acceptance, joy, and abundance. I’m doing a bad job of trying to explain it all – but then maybe it’s not something that can be explained. Maybe it’s something that can only be felt.

The feeling you invoke is pure overwhelm. When I am with you, I feel at home. Hearing your voice makes me feel warm inside. Seeing you is a feeling that I crave for every day.

You are the most humble person I know, you have such a kind heart. I love you so much. I know, it’s crazy to say – considering I have spent less than a month with you the entire last few years.

Since you have been in my life, I have never been the same. I will never, from this point forward, be the same. You are home to me. And I have a feeling you always will be. Nothing else will ever come close to giving me the feeling and emotion that you do… there is nothing that can ever occupy that placeholder next to me.

Now that I know how it truly feels to love someone without limits, I’d wait an eternity for you.

And only you.

Categories: Twin Flame

Everything is Nothing

The moment I saw you, I was done. I followed you so intently. I was so fascinated by everything you did, your witty humor, your faith, you. I never even saw you, but I LOVED you. So much more than you will ever understand. Before I even knew your sister passed, I felt like you were in a massive amount of pain. I reached out to you because I felt like that’s what I needed to do.

You were deep in grief at that time. I felt that grief so hard, even though I’m not you and I hadn’t met your sister. I wanted to do something so desperately to help you through that pain. But I knew I couldn’t… just send you my condolences.

Over time, I grew even more fascinated by you. There were so many things that I saw in you – things that you don’t probably see in yourself. You have a great personality, you’re so creative, you worked hard… you ran your own business and did it successfully.

You were always so positive, adventurous, and even more – you loved nature. To find someone who can stare for hours at the grass blowing in the wind or find that one flower in the midst of a sea of gravel or desert is mind blowing. I felt like I had met another version of myself, in the opposite sex.

When you started talking to me, I was overwhelmed with emotion. You liked a lot of the same things I did, and you endured many of the same things I had as well – childhood trauma, a challenging upbringing, and a high level of empathy (that often times is a target for attracting manipulative people). For the first time in my life, I felt like I met someone who understood me completely, and someone I could open up to.

I was and still am so in love with you – but then I’m reminded that that you’re a love that I might never have the opportunity to be with or see again. Imagine, spending several years, and the remainder of your life secretly being in love with someone that you may not ever have. Losing the love of your life and never finding peace. That is my life.

I think about you every day – there’s never a second of the day that I’m not thinking about the things that you are doing, or the things that are going through your mind. You made me question everything I’ve known. Feeling your love made me realize that I haven’t known real love, and it frustrates me to know that you are the ONLY real love I have had and I may never have you.

You are the once-in-a-lifetime love that only exists in fairytales.

You are always in my heart. I try, many days, to shove it away. I am so hurt to see you attend concerts, trips, with others that are in your life, so I withdraw, isolate, and cut myself off. I feel so hurt. You have no idea the pain that stabs my chest when I see you in love with someone else.

I pretend that seeing those posts doesn’t bother me, I deny your existence, but it never works.

The love I have for you never fades. It always resurfaces. It’s hard to deal with the depth of the emotions I have when I think about you all the time. If I didn’t love you the way I do, seeing you with others wouldn’t hurt or be so painful. But it is.

Pure pain, absolute torture.

I blame myself for not being enough, when I know I have given everything and more. I blame myself for isolating, for not respecting your situation. You may not always respond, you isolate for long periods of time, and you can try to deny your feelings because of your situation – but even in your absence, you still continue to inspire me, motivate, and encourage me in ways you will never quite understand. My faith has deepened. My prayer life has expounded. I have scars that are resurfacing that are triggering emotional wounds that I need to heal.

I do not want anyone or anything else as bad as I want you. I fell in love hard , harder and I know you feel it too. I still am. All this time later I am STILL in love with you, even more than the beginning.

You may be scared but so am I , I have many doubts and am scared you’ll walk away and lose you forever. I’m scared you have already walked away. I’m scared you’ll find someone else, or get bored of me, but my love, passion and desire beats all of those emotions. I’m scared you’ll never respond to me. I’m just scared.

Everything is nothing without you.

Categories: Twin Flame

Runners Run

Why do runners “run” from those that love them the most?

Getting hurt by someone they love, strips them of everything they believed.

And everything they want others to believe about them.

“Runners” in a twin flame relationship appear to have it all together. They are stunningly intelligent, but behind that intellect they are broken – they wear a mask and they wear that mask so well. They are constantly, constantly hiding from their past, and their childhood traumas. It’s easier for them to pretend that their life is all good when in reality they have a huge insecurity and they are living in constant fear.

They manage to do a great job of covering it up from others looking in from the outside. They are afraid of getting hurt because at some point, they will. The love is so immense, it’s almost too much for them to handle.

In short… many of them are worried about what others will think of them, so they sacrifice their happiness. They are not using their heart to understand the connection they have with the chaser – they are using logic to reject that such a great love IS possible. They don’t believe they are worthy to be loved this much – so they run. They block. They ghost. They don’t respond. They know that with you, the chaser, that vulnerability comes easier than breathing.

But they can’t imagine life without you.

Most people are satisfied to have a warm body to sleep next to at night. They aren’t interested in more than that. They are sleepwalking through life. Runners return to their life of comfort – their life may not be ideal, it may be lacking in emotional vibrancy, but it’s comfortable.

It’s simple.

It’s easy.

They have developed a life a comfort. They don’t want to tilt the wheel. They might not be happy but they don’t want to upset the family dynamic. They are afraid of what people will say. They don’t want to start over. They don’t want to affect the lives of their kids (though I will say that it’s just as damaging to stay in a toxic marriage as it is to start over..) In short, their materialistic life is too important to them for them to disrupt what they have going.

So they run from real love.

Comfort, simplicity and ease doesn’t come with the one you desperately love the most – in fact, everything about being with that person you so desperately crave (your twin flame) seems like a challenge. It requires getting out of your comfort zone. It requires a shift in all the things you have known and experienced about love thus far in your life – the societal norms.

Sometimes, your human self is afraid of BIG things. SO much in fact that you would prefer the security blanket of mediocrity.

Some people aren’t meant for mediocrity. They are meant to have an incredible purpose. Our spirits will not let us off the hook. Our ego wants what’s safe… what’s comfortable, but we know, deep down, that our soul craves for more.

Instead, or soul calls us up. No matter what the challenges, the trials, the tribulations – we are given heavy things because we ARE meant to be that powerful.