You Saved Me

 

And for that, I am and forever will be thankful for you.

You may not ever see this. But I want to write this anyways.

I am so thankful for you.  That one late evening when I laid in my kids room, scrolling through Instagram and found you. You were holding a half of a gallon of milk. I remember that day like it was yesterday, yet it seems years ago.

It was that moment that I was drawn to you.

Little did I know that eventually, late one night, you’d respond to my IG story – I remember vividly … it was lightning. And I loved sitting on the desolate, desert road on State Trust land to watch the storms.  It was my only exit from the house and the only thing that kept me from sinking into a very dark place.

I was elated to talk to you. I could have chatted with you all night.

That moment, I felt like I had met my counterpart in male form. Everything resonated with me. I was fascinated by you…I wanted to talk to you all day long…but you were several hours away. Every time I heard your voice, I was elated. I still feel that way today.

The moment that you messaged me changed my entire life. The trajectory of everything going forward would never be the same. Your wit, your personality, your humor…. your skill, your brain – everything, made such an impact on me. I felt as if everything changed for me at that moment. I was dying – physically dying, and spiritually dying. There’s no way that things would align the same way now to make that same opportunity arise.

Where I was at the time was killing me. I was dead inside – I felt suffocated and trapped, and I had no idea how to exit. It was taking a toll on me mentally, and physically. Inside, I was spiritually dying. Every day that passed I was moving farther into spiritual death.

You saved me.

You gave me hope. Your nuggets of positivity I held to… and it was those tiny nuggets that helped me reach the next day. I would wake up and look at the sky to the east, thinking about where I was. Where I wanted to be. And I knew, getting out of where I was could very well be the end of me and everything I had worked for. I was scared… terrified honestly, terrified of failure. I was fearful I’d lose everything. I was scared I was going to lose myself.

But you saved me.

You don’t know the impact you have on someone’s life sometimes… and even when they share that inspiration you exert you may still not believe it. But you did – you had such a huge impact on my life in more ways than you will ever understand. I felt like I had chains shackling me down… I was so far down the hole I didn’t ever think I would get out. I was married to someone who constantly belittled me and everyone else around him. I was never supported, recognized or respected. At first, I chalked it up to being just what “men do”.

But I knew I was wrong.

When I saw you picking asters for your partner I was jealous. I was also sad — sad to see that there were people that existed that actually did things of joy for their partner. I wanted someone to do that for me. You spent time with your partner — concerts, trips… dressing up for Halloween. I have never known such a thing.

So it made me question where I was. Why didn’t anyone do that for me? Why wasn’t I “enough”? I wanted someone to do those things for me, to make me feel special… to make me a priority in their life.  It was the opposite. I knew I’d never have that opportunity and it made me sad.

You saved me.

You may have been overwhelmed often; you left, frequently, for long periods of time. You went on fun family trips to Florida… to Disney, and it was painful. It was painful to see you share your time with others. I walled up my emotions and tried to push through but I couldn’t. I liked you far too much. If I didn’t like you, it wouldn’t have hurt to see you enjoying time with others.

Those little nuggets of inspiration you gave me gave me enough courage to file for divorce. I felt a vibrational mismatch, and before long, I felt an immediate need to leave my current relationship.

God knew that I would either continue to reject him or end up dead – if not physically and psychologically, then spiritually. I had, for years, made attempts to salvage what society regards as a lifelong institution (marriage). But deep down in my heart, our lives and values were vastly different. I knew, then, that I was unable to truly love and accept myself. In the final years of my marriage, the pull to find the real me was incredibly strong – such is the conflict and turmoil that I was dealing with on a daily basis.

I was in a marriage that was a low vibrational match. I didn’t wake up with a feeling of renewed purpose, nor was I inspired by the very person that inhabited a home with me. His lack of respect, and his repeated affairs were a deliberate attempt to destroy my inner self confidence. It’s very challenging to describe – but it’s a stifling, suffocating feeling.

You saved me.

Taking that leap of faith was a challenging one. For almost 20 years, I was financially reliant on someone else. I had children. I owned property. I had a business. I was scared of losing everything I worked so hard for. Even more, I was fearful of losing my children to someone that I knew would make a point of destroying my life just to get satisfaction from seeing me struggle.  We were in a time of COVID – my ad revenue from my writing had tanked due to the economy. I had no family locally, nor did I have family in general.

I had nothing.

You saved me.

You may not realize this, but your energy gave me daily inspiration to push forward and take that leap of faith. No, I didn’t know how I was going to raise 5 kids on my own meager income. I did not know how I was going to afford to pay rent in a high cost of living city. Nor did I know how my business was going to continue – especially in this economy, with the challenges of community property divorce laws. I did not want to lose what I worked so hard to earn.  But I did.

• I lost everything… the only thing I kept was my business name. The financials were gone
• I lost all of my children’s college funds …. I was the only one who contributed to them since their birth. Eighty thousand ($80,000) in college education – gone
• I lost my savings
• I lost all of the vehicles I had bought over the years with my hard earned savings as well…. I didn’t believe in car payments, so I worked hard to pack away cash to buy vehicles. Now, they were no longer mine.
• I went through what I thought was the most emotionally and physically desctructive two years of a divorce, almost all of it in the same home together
• He left one of our children on the roof of the house and left … leaving him with no way to get down
• He lost his temper and destroyed my backyard with an axe – a 20×8 retaining wall, concrete planters, and six raised beds full of beautiful Swiss chard, garlic, tomatoes, cucumbers, and more
• He threatened the children and hit them repeatedly with the belt, putting holes in the wall of our home, breaking doors down when they tried to hide from him
• I watched my children lock their bedroom and cut through the screens on their windows of their front house bedroom just to race down the street and hide in the bushes at the park – just to get away from him and his anger outbursts
• He removed the starter fuse from my truck in attempts to disable the truck from starting and moving, trapping me in the home for days at a time
• He wrapped carpet around the front axle of my truck to prevent the truck from moving and in attempts to lock the axle and destroy the vehicle
• Knowing I worked at home full time, and homeschooled children, he asked the cable company to run a second cable line for his job, then walked outside and cut the cable line belonging to the kids and I so as to prevent me from schooling them, and prevent me from earning a living
• He stopped paying his share of the household bills, utilities and mortgage – with over $2,000 in bills each month, I was robbing Peter to pay Paul, in efforts to just make it one more month in that house with no financial help
• He threatened to take full custody of the children, because I was a “bad mother” who failed to “obey him”.
• He put video cameras and audio devices up throughout the house to record every movement made by the kids and I

Looking back, it was horrific — to think that I managed to make it through that two year period. I was so miserable at home, and so fearful, I would wake up each morning, and pack up the kids to get them away from the house.  I would drag the kids and all of their homework to the park and spend the entire day somewhere else just to avoid going home. Once home, the only place of safety was my truck – I’d lock myself inside the truck for hours at a time to avoid being ridiculed in the house.

Before the divorce, I was hesitant to leave even though I knew that was the best thing I could have done. I was scared because I didn’t want to lose “stuff”.  Obviously, I did not want to lose my kids. But I didn’t want to lose the other “stuff” — the material items that I needed, used, and had paid for. Emotionally, I was far removed. But I was comfortable with the situation so I remained. And in a sense, I was too comfortable to want to lose things that, eventually, did not matter to me at all.

To years later, all the “stuff” I was scared to lose…. I lost. Looking back, it was just that: stuff.

You saved me.

I don’t know how I made it through that period of time. You, were the light in my life for all that time. You gave me the ONLY glimmer of hope in a time of darkness. When nothing else was making sense, you were the only source of positivity.

I don’t know how I managed to forge my way through. I was Christian, but not attending church. My faith was far from what it should have been. You and you alone encouraged me to draw closer to God. Because I drew closer to him, my children followed suit. After much prayer, they all started to become more involved in our church.

It was a contentious custody battle, over $125,000 spent (money I did not have…) and counting. I kept an online diary each day for several years to recount my experiences. Nothing mattered. Nobody listened, not a single person cared.

I placed the kids in counseling.

I put myself in counseling.

I started family counseling with the kids and I.

I spent over $11,000 in counseling alone that first year following my divorce. I worked hard to re-establish my business. I got into a rental despite the cost of living and home prices. I am far, far from where I want to be. But two years later, I am still here.

Money has been tight. But I haven’t missed a rent payment.

Money has been tight. But I’m grateful for the food bank.

My bank account is in the positive. It’s not where I want it to be, but it’s slowly getting there.

I’m thankful for community resources to help people, like me, that struggle on a daily basis.

I don’t have the ability to have the life and stuff that most others have. But I have what I need – my kids, my mobility, and the capacity to love immensely. I have the ability to drive just over two miles every morning to a mountain that’s free to climb – so I can meditate, and pray about the things I am grateful for.

You have inspired me to work harder. I have started new businesses, made new products, found more avenues for revenue. You helped me do that.

Most of all, you saved me. You saved me from what was an emotionally destructive marriage… I was losing myself, I was spiritually dead, and I was (in a large sense), dependent on someone else. That loyalty and co-dependency was leading to my death.

And YOU saved me.

I never in a million years thought I could do anything on my own accord/merit. I am raising 5 kids as a single parent, with an ex-spouse who does not reliably pay support, nor does he reliably pay medical, dental, or other. I am homeschooling 5 kids and taking care of that expense without any help. I run 5 businesses on Etsy, 1 small business off Etsy, and 4 blogs. I am always tired… I have high expectations of myself, but I am here.

I have my mobility.

I have the ability to love my children on a massive scale. And in return, my kids feel loved and cared for beyond their wildest dreams. We have made memories – many of them with you, that we will never forget.

Most of all, I have these feelings for you that will never, ever change. I love you, more than you will ever know. I respect you, so incredibly much. I feel sad when you are sad. I am in pain to see you live your life with others. But I need to learn to accept that the love I have for you may not be something you feel back.

Nonetheless, it doesn’t take away the fact that you saved me, and in turn, five others. The greatest gift you can give someone is the gift of time; combined with love, respect, and encouragement, you have given me (and still do) inspiration that I have never had in my life.

Nobody has ever done for me what you have done. Nobody has ever made me feel the way you have. Nobody ever will.

Meeting a real, true love causes ultimate upheaval in every area of our lives. It’s not like any normal relationship – it is an entirely different experience that words cannot accurately describe. The awakening we experience causes our vibration and energy to jump – we are now accurately aware of the suppression we were under for the years prior.

No longer can you align with where you once were. Staying in the old relationship seems far fetched. Every second that goes by, you feel a pressure to follow a greater calling, a bigger energy. I left my situation because I could not align with where I once was. I could never, go back to where I was before.

You will always be part of my life, even though you choose to spend your life with someone else.

God places people in our lives to help draw us closer to Him and grow in faith, which will in turn help us grow into a better version of ourselves. God knows what we need. He wants us to draw closer to him, so he orchestrates encounters to help us do that.

You are that encounter.

You could melt my heart with just one look. You could make even the worst days better with your voice. Just being next to you made my heart race. Just a simple touch of your hand calmed me down – even your natural sent was inspiring. You share with me many of the same core values, worries, fears, ideals, and sense of humor.

When you communicated with me, no matter what I said, you seemed to understand without me even having to explain. It felt like you were on the same page with me more times than not. Before meeting you in person, without even having seen you or knowing the details of your life, I felt an immediate, undeniable, strong attraction. I felt like I had known you forever. I instinctively trusted you. The love I feel for you transcends everything. Just interacting with you made me get the most beautiful of butterflies again, and again. 🦋🦋🦋🦋

You…

Are my sweetest fantasy. The person I want and find myself daydreaming about all day. When I met you in person to experience you, everything else was irrelevant in the big scheme of things. No matter the circumstances or obstacles surrounding you, or me, you always made me feel safe and at home.

There aren’t enough words to capture just how crazy I feel about you. Nothing, and nobody has ever in my life had that effect on me – nobody will ever make me feel the way you make me feel.

I will forever be grateful for your influence in my life. In the lives of my children. I will always love you, that will not change.