Two years post divorce from a marriage that spanned 18 years to a covert narcissist, I am often times asked many questions:
- “If the abuse was so bad, why did you stay for so long?”
- “Why did you have kids with your partner?”
- “Why did you allow the abuse to happen? Why did you stay? Why didn’t you leave sooner?”
All of those questions are akin to people asking a woman in an abusive relationship why she continued to stay in a situation where domestic violence was not only prevalent, but also continuing. It’s very much akin to asking a child/teenager why they continue to stay silent in lieu of telling a family member, clergy official, teacher or other friend about the abuse at home.
Many times, those being abused won’t realize they are indeed experiencing abuse – in the case of adults (women, or even men in some cases), they may have grown up in a family that was emotionally/physically abusive, so that is all that they are familiar with.
For other women, they may not have the means to leave the relationship because they are tied financially. From the early stages of the relationship, the abuse can be so subtle – in many cases involving women, the man may encourage her to leave her job, have kids, or even give up her career to raise a family. Once that endeavor is in stone, the man moves on to control other areas of her life, preventing her from stepping away from the family. Perhaps he will begin to alienate her from friends and family, restrict her movement (vehicle wise), or threaten her with financial constraints.
In my case, there were many reasons:
When I first got married, I wanted children. I did not know, at the time, that he had narcissistic tendencies. His disorder was progressive. Looking back, his behavior was off kilter, but having grown up in an abusive family with a mother and father who did not display a healthy marriage dynamic, I did not know what a healthy marriage was. When I had gotten married, he had (within the first year) already had an affair. I thought that he would eventually “grow up”. I wanted children, and I knew I would be a capable mother who was strong, intelligent, and emotionally connected to my children. The affair followed by unemployment and dependence on me – who worked full time while pursuing school. I was gone – working from 6 a.m. to almost 7 p.m., and then attending night school until 10 p.m. I had no time to even think about what was (or wasn’t) going on at home because I was too busy trying to make a living.
I endured the abuse for 17 more years because I continued (rather – expected) that he would grow up. Instead, his behavior got worse as he got older. In 2007, one year after my first child, I discovered that I was pregnant with our 2nd child – not by choice. Marital rape had led me to being five months along without having any knowledge that I was expecting. I started looking for places to go, with every intention of leaving. Until he told me that he would take full custody of both children because I did not make enough to support the children. He had the money to pay for a lawyer, I did not.
Fast forward, two years later to 2009; he was gone for 3 years overseas. Without consulting me as his wife, he enlisted back into the military and left. I was now raising two children, without a full time job, without any job at all, and without access to ANY of the bank accounts. He had cut off our joint marital checking and left me behind without any way to pay for anything at home. I started working at home as that is all I could do – back in 2009. I managed to work hard enough to really make a great living, even with the responsibilities of being a single parent (for a long time).
The enlistment led to a series of affairs, which continued once he returned. Even at the beginning of our marriage, we were not physically intimate. Never at any time were we friends, best friends, intimate partners – he was cold, manipulative, condescending and controlling from the very beginning. What should have been red flags for me were things I made excuses for – after all, I never once saw my parents physically intimate (kissing, hugging or other) when I was a child. Likewise was our relationship. I can’t remember a single instance where we had an ounce of love shown – whether words, or deeds or actions or physical displays of affection. They were non-existent.
By early 2012, I discovered that he had been involved in an affair with a work colleague – he left the computer open and signed into his email. Her email to him recounted every detail of the escapade, complete with an admission that she was pregnant but she was going to proceed with an abortion so that her husband did not find out. He resigned from his job, and made absolutely no apologies for his actions. I was angry – angry that I had allowed his infidelity to continue. Less than one year later, a Sheriff knocked on my door just days after I had given birth to our 4th, and told me that my ex husband had been in an affair with his wife.
This was the same woman he had been involved in an affair with the year prior.
Once again, she had followed him to his transferred place of employment so she could work with him. They ate lunch on a daily basis, and went out to the bar together after work. Since I was home caring for kids, I had no idea this was going on. I was furious, that this had gone on 3 times and I was still there, in a loveless marriage. All I had was my children, and I was grateful I could still be a mother to them. I told him I was going to file for divorce, it was 2013. He stated that he would “take me to the cleaners and take my business from me as well” — because I didn’t make nearly what he did, he would “drain me financially so that I would come crawling back to him, because I cannot make it on my own.”
I spent the next 7 years packing away money in my business account (which was only in my name) – it was the ONLY avenue I had to hide money without his knowledge. Between 2013, and 2019, he had over a half dozen more affairs. I was busy caring for kids at home, shuttling them to appointments, homeschooling them on a daily, all while working and trying to put money aside to hopefully leave and be able to support myself and the children.
He never thought I would leave.
He did not have a relationship with the children. He did not know what grade they were in, he forgot their birthday, he (in many occasions), forgot to pick them up from practice, for hours at a time. On one occasion, left one child on the roof of the house and left the home (only for me to find my child on the roof when I returned home). He continued his affairs, and enhanced his affairs with an addition to porn – because I refused to sleep with him because he disgusted me. We slept in separate beds. We did not communicate to eachother. In many ways, it was like living with a complete stranger in my home. My kids and I continued to live our lives, do road trips and visit the zoo, but their father did not participate. As the mother, I was not only the “mom” but the housekeeper, cook, chauffeur, auto mechanic, yard worker, maintenance worker… the list went on.
The love I should have gotten in my marriage I received from my kids. Albeit, it is far from being the same type of love.
During the 18 years of marriage, I became an emotional wreck. He actively destroyed my professional career. With that, eroded myself confidence as a human being. I was self critical, doubted my abilities, and lost confidence in myself.
I was angry because for years, I was never anyone’s first pick. Therefore had convinced myself that everyone else was prettier, funnier, smarter… more interesting – my health suffered. I couldn’t sleep at night. Several years later, my sleep has not normalized, and I’m still continuously tense from thinking I will never be enough – for my kids, for others, not even for myself.
I recognized that neither my ex-husband, nor my parents, and even my brothers/sister, have treated me fairly and decently. I was a professional scapegoat and punching bag. I survived that long because I was somewhat intelligent. I worked hard, was determined and I was blessed with a strong constitution. Despite the abuse, I tried to remain in the marriage, as toxic as it was, because I didn’t want to be labeled as someone who gives up easily. I gave up what “I” wanted in life (a loving, caring partner I could call my best friend, and someone I could share an intimate relationship with), to satisfy what I thought was the right thing: to make it work, regardless of our own selfish desires. I believed that putting my needs first was not what God wanted, so I continued to stay.
Little did I know that staying in a toxic relationship with an absence of respect and love would have an adverse and traumatizing effect on my children.
That said – I tolerated that abuse for a long time because I did not realize I was being abused. Only now do I understand that the way I have been treated all my life has been abusive. Prior to that, I did not know anything different. That’s why I have tolerated so much abuse in my lifetime.
Recovery from narcissistic abuse is a very lonely endeavor. I went through the darkest night of my life seemingly all on my own. I tried to explain myself, and even went to a therapist for help, but nobody understood me. Finally, I dropped everything I had built for myself and ran for my life. I knew that the only chance to get out and get better was to file for divorce, delete and block anyone connected to “us”, and make myself disappear.
I spent the next two years (and continued time) in hiding. I had cut off contact and blocked/deleted all of my previous friends, even family members.
I barely left the house, only for time to myself (hike, post office, groceries). I worked hard to rebuild myself – after all, narcissistic abuse consists of calculated manipulation, the erosion of identity and systematic brainwashing resulting in Complex PTSD. I spent a lot of time immersing myself in learning about the those who suffer from abuse, tactics behind abusers, and how to heal from the abuse. I did a lot of reading, and journaling. I held daily scripture studies myself, morning and evening. I hiked daily, by myself, to spend time early in the morning meditating and praying for guidance from God. I tried to figure out how I could have allowed myself to be taken advantage of – but it became very clear.
I have a huge heart. I can’t envision how anyone could manipulate in such a way because it’s not something I would ever be capable of doing.
Thankfully, as much as I endured, I never lost who I was as a person. I never lost the ability to love wholeheartedly. I never lost my outlook on life. I also never lost my drive and motivation, even during the darkest and most disparaging times of my recovery, I never gave up hope that I could make it and provide for my kids even if it meant putting my trust in God, that he would take care of me. In the end, I would rather be lonely than be with someone who doesn’t complement me as a person.
I may not be where I want to be financially. But what I can say is that after losing everything financially, I do have a wonderful relationship with my children that is unlike anything else in the world. My children have no relationship with their father – they are ordered visitation with their Dad, but the result is damaging. Two of my children are on psychiatric medication for deep depression, ADHD and anxiety. One of those children is on medication for insomnia – she can’t comprehend why a parent (or, how a parent) can “be” a parent when they are incapable of “parenting”.
All 5 are in counseling weekly between two therapists. They understand and can explain narcissism well for children of their age. They struggle with his absence of love; they are aware that his love is “conditional”. They refuse to get out of the car at exchange… they lack respect for their father simply because he cannot love them in the way that parents should love their children.
He uses fear and intimidation to scare them into loyalty. But they have so much knowledge that they are fighting back. Even my smallest, youngest child understands the manipulation that is involved. Their Father does not speak to the 3 oldest children simply because they can’t be manipulated – so he (and his family) now ignore them. Which fuels their disdain and unwillingness to visit when his parenting time occurs. He could have worked hard to establish a relationship with them during the divorce to show them how much they mean to him, but instead, he spent his time at the bar, on porn, or on video games, which is why he isn’t able to tell anyone their actual age, or grade level.
It has been almost 2 years since the divorce was finalized and I am actively working on strengthening my relationship with my children. I am working hard to be able to provide for them completely – not just in homeschool costs, but also in medical, dental and every day expenses. So far, I have been blessed and everything has pulled through for me. But my biggest goal and wish, is relocating out of state so that they can start fresh in an area where they can learn that they can be loved in a healthy way, and they truly are special children that deserve a healthy, vibrant relationship with parental influences that enjoy their presence and want the best for them.
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