Cheating is a choice.
Cheating on your partner, regardless of the complexities of the relationship, is disrespect. Disrespecting and deliberately hurting your partner over, and over, and over again is not love.
It’s toxicity.
Infidelity in a relationship is commonly seen with people with narcissistic personality traits. Perhaps that narcissist has been or is in a long-term relationship with their partner. But.. they cheat on that partner, regardless of being caught.
Why does a narcissist cheat so much?
People with narcissistic traits lack empathy – they lack the ability to understand and relate to another person’s emotional experiences. When someone lacks empathy, they cannot put themselves in the shoes of another person to see things from another person’s perspective.
In short, they don’t consider how their actions affect the person they are cheating on.
They are incapable of empathy.
They live in the moment. They are focused on their own needs.
They also have low self esteem. They may present themselves as competent, knowledgeable, capable humans, but in reality, it’s an act to mask the fact that they truly feel incompetent. They can’t validate their own self worth, and they are incapable of loving themselves, so they seek out their value from others.
Through their various forms of supply (other women or men), they are reassured that they are special, or important, capable, and respected. When their marital partner is not providing this reassurance to them, they will indeed seek it out elsewhere, without a second thought for the person that they are married to.
Cheating on their partner is also a form of control. They may not ever reveal to the spouse that they are having an affair – in fact, the spouse may find out on their own. In that case, the narcissist will gaslight the spouse into denying the affair(s), and skewing reality – they will blame the spouse for their affair to make the spouse question their own reality.
Why do people stay after being disrespected by a cheating spouse?
Perhaps because, like a stray cat, he or she is given the option and it’s somewhere to go. Why does the partner tolerate the cheater’s behavior and maltreatment? They remain because they have low self esteem, are likely codependent, and lastly – they do not want to be alone.
They are comfortable.
I was comfortable where I was, and I was quite fearful that I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own. I was also very trusting and thought he would never do it again.
But he did. Multiple times. Giving him a pass once led to him making the assumption that he could continue to do it again, and again and again.
Why didn’t he leave if he was unhappy?
The arrangement of remaining together offered him them comfort and security. The longer it goes on, there’s no sense in separating what both are used to. Both partners have given up and are setting for average.
I had given up – I was emotionally detached.
He had given up too – obviously after half a dozen affairs it was safe to say that respect for me went out the window at the get go. What he did have though was a housekeeper, chef, child cafe provider, maid, and security of knowing that no matter how late he was out, or what he had planned for a weekend, I would always be there to reliably care for our children.
And that is all he cared about.
His lack of parenting led me to realize that if I was going to raise kids alone, and be alone, that I truly needed to BE alone. I’d rather be single and raise 5 kids than have to be married to a selfish, arrogant, disrespectful male than attempt to show the world (from the outside looking in) that we were actually a husband and wife.
Because we weren’t.
You see, women like to believe that their husband/man won’t cheat on them because they are so special. But here is a reality check:
That is definitely NOT true.
Men cheat on great women every day. You can’t cook, clean, beg, plead, sex and spoil a man into being faithful. If your man cheats, it is because of what type of man he is rather than what type of woman you are.
Being miserable or unhappy is not an excuse to make someone cheat. They chose to cheat.
Narcissists who cheat can and will blame anything for a reason to cheat:
- If you would have been a better spouse, I wouldn’t have had to seek pleasure elsewhere
- If you would have done what I needed for me I wouldn’t have had to cheat…
- You are the reason I did it.
When someone cheats on you, you must remember that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. The decision to cheat was made by the cheater.
Leaving a relationship is hard. But getting out of a relationship with a narcissist who cheat is important because their behavior is unlikely to change. It’s important to put yourself first. Your partner lacks the respect required to be in a serious, committed relationship – and that’s unlikely to change.
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