Disbelief is a big reason why people stay with a narcissist. They can’t get past their projection of their own mind, so they think that there is something wrong with their intelligence. It doesn’t help that the narcissist is a master manipulator at wearing down your intelligence subtly over time, so that you no longer trust your inner intuition.
Under normal circumstances, we might be able to walk away from our abuser and look elsewhere for help. Unfortunately, when you are with a narcissist, conditions are anything “but” normal.
Narcissists target those who are gullible, with little to no relationship experience. By doing this, they have nothing to compare their current experience with a narcissist. Their victim is easier to manipulate and control when they are naive, gullible and have little to no relationship experience.
I was already conditioned to accept disrespect and manipulation, and maltreatment because of my childhood. This is one reason that domestic violence victims don’t leave their abusers. If you have experience growing up in a toxic household, or with a parent who displayed narcissistic patterns of behavior, being with a narcissist as a spouse is somewhat similar. You will not have anything to compare your current relationship with because all you know is what you have seen or experienced in the past. Both my mother and father were entirely different people behind closed doors. It took all four of us children growing up and leaving for people in the community and even in our own family to see that my parents had psychological issues that contributed to the drifting of our family.
I believed in the power of my self sacrificing love so I stayed, when in reality, I should have left. One thing that was constantly reinforced as a child (of a narcissist) was my ability to give. I have always been a giver, by nature. As an adult, I relate to others by giving. And because narcissists are constantly “hunting” for empaths who will “give” (ad nauseam), and give to the point of their own self destruction.
At some level, I did not leave because I thought the way he treated me was normal. Familiarity is a very challenging pattern to break. When I was already conditioned to accept disrespect, manipulation and maltreatment, I thought it was normal. It wasn’t until I started to see other relationships (social media, in public, at church), that I thought that something may be crucially messy about my relationship.
I lacked the ability to see warning lights, despite the fact that they were glowing red for years. As a child, I wasn’t allowed to have boundaries (I was raised by a narcissistic father and borderline mother), so although there were many red flags, I brushed them off, thinking that they weren’t really anything to be concerned about.
I was tied financially, without the ability to leave. I was married to someone who made a great deal of money and controlled the money in a sense, so as to prevent me to have or spend money without knowing every detail of what was being purchased. Narcissistic abusers use power and control to financially abuse victims. They do this by using the finances to control, threaten, manipulate and control the victim – after all, money is power.
I believed his threats to take the kids and get full custody. I have always been the primary parent, main caretaker of our children since the day they were born. I was always present to take them to church, Bible group, youth camp, practice, even so much as homeschooling all 5 children. He was never present yet always took credit for their accomplishments. Narcissists see divorce as a threat to control, causing them to lash out and manipulate their ex. They will often times threaten to fight for full custody because they know how important the children are to you and as a result, they will go to great lengths to “win”, at the expense of the children. They also see anything but full custody as a child support payment to you, the victim, and that’s not something they thoroughly enjoy the concept of.
Victims don’t understand that they are being abused. I remember going online on message boards for clarification to validate what my intuition was telling me, but years later, I was still in the same toxic place as before. I craved validation. There are days that I still do.
I didn’t wake up every morning wondering what people were trying to pull over me, wondering what they are trying to get from me. I did not take a class in how to spot master manipulators and the people they love to hate. I was caught with my guard down. Unless you have lived through it, and even when you do, there is NO simple path to understanding it.
I was very much overwhelmed for so long, and still to this day blame myself for being so unaware. But eventually, my give a damn got up and left and I realized exactly what was going on. I had absolutely no strength to push back anymore. I had nothing left in me.
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