Several years post-divorce, I still find myself having to explain things that I have every reason to put behind me in attempt to move forward.
I am in a new place in my life.
The last several years were challenging, gut-wrenching, mentally exhausting. I lost trust in people, found solace in myself, and have [now] separated myself from things and people that don’t serve my emotional health.
In the process, I have discovered one things: I enjoy being alone.
That can’t be said for many people who have, at one point, been in a relationship. In fact, the fear of being alone is what keeps people in toxic relationships.
I was the betrayed – in a marriage where my spouse was unfaithful.
Except… he wasn’t unfaithful just once.
He was unfaithful repeatedly.
While some might say that he was unfaithful because I didn’t meet his needs, the reality is that infidelity says more about the person who was unfaithful than it does about the person that was betrayed.
The first sign of infidelity was forgiven – and I remained in the marriage, determined to make it work. I did not love him – instead, I loved what the marriage could provide me as a person: stability, memories (even though they were not all good), financial gain, and access to my children.
I have to question those who stay in a marriage post infidelity under the guise of love, because once you strip back the layers, you’ll eventually discover that if there was truly, really, love, then the infidelity would not have occurred.
Which means that people typically remain in their toxic marriage out of what the marriage can provide for them.
What the marriage did not provide me was love, emotional, psychological satisfaction, or respect.
Simply put: I remained married out of obligation.
I thought that staying was what was best for my kids. I feared the financial demise of everything I had worked for, and most of all, I was scared of the unknown (starting over) and being alone.
All of which are cowardice reasons to stay.
I did not love him… nor did he love me. Love does not exist when there is infidelity.
The unfaithful partner may use the excuse that they don’t have the heart to leave because they are trying to be a “good” person, wife, man, etc……
Newsflash: If you have been unfaithful, you are not a good person. You can’t try to tell yourself that staying married, while being unfaithful, is equivalent of being a good person. It’s not. Clearly… your thought process is skewed.
Being a good person does not mean putting your spouse, or another person, through your inability to have solid character traits and refuse to allow your selfishness to shine through.
Staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children teaches your children to continue the same toxic cycle that you have since started. It teaches them the wrong idea of love.
Staying in a toxic marriage is not love. It is not loving.
Love is a concept that comes with a lot of preconceived notions – particularly about how it should be “unconditional”.
Why do betrayed spouses remain in a marriage after infidelity? The answer is quite easy -children, shared finances, image, status, guilt and obligation. They do not stay out of love.
Why does the unfaithful spouse remain in a marriage where they [clearly] are not happy following discovery of their infidelity? The answer is similar – children, shared finances, image, status, guilt, and obligation. They do not stay out of love.
Because the presence of love would not have led to the issue of infidelity.
The presence of love would have prevented the case of infidelity of ever becoming a resort.
You cannot love someone and be unfaithful to them. Those two things do not go together.
Perhaps you took an oath to marry under God’s command to love. As a Christian, you remain in your marriage post infidelity because you believe that you are required to love.
By nature, the idea of love, or even unconditional love, is a noble one. the Bible, in fact, calls us to love. However, unconditional love does not mean unconditional tolerance.
Christ does not tolerate our poor, substandard behavior – he calls us to love. In fact, he expects us to love. But he gives us the free will to make the choices we do – and when we act out of accordance with what is right, he allows that substandard behavior.
But he does not condone it.
I was recently told by an elderly woman in my church that, despite the infidelity, I have been called to love – for better or for worse, in good and in bad. And while my ex was unfaithful, I should have stayed purely out of “love” – unconditional love, to be honest.
Unconditional love does not mean unconditional tolerance.
When you accept a person for who and what they are, without conditions, and care about their happiness for no concern about how it benefits you, that is unconditional love.
However, unconditional love does not give way to unconditional tolerance.
You cannot continue to be a doormat for someone who clearly has no respect for your best interest. And your best interest does not equate to their betrayal of your trust and marital obligations.
Loving a person “no matter what” implies that you will accept behaviors that are unacceptable and healthy for you. Love can have a boundary after which we need not tolerate every act of the loved one.
Don’t get me wrong – this does not mean you don’t love them.
This boundary is the most loving gesture you can do for this other person.
Everyone has a standard of living – and when that standard fundamentally changes and neglects to help sustain a relationship, then this is an obvious red flag.
This usually leads to guilt.
And guilt leads to manipulation.
Guilt comes naturally when we stand up for our truth after we have been conditioned to abandon ourselves. This gives way to a toxic definition of love – which involves unconditional tolerance.
Love is safe, calm, being your authentic self.
Love is not uncertainty, chaos, guilt, or conflict.
Everything except death is conditional. And love is conditional too. Unconditional love is co-dependency. It’s predicated on a complete lack of boundaries.
Love is conditional on the other person being a decent human being, treating me and others with respect and compassion – acting with proper intent in their heart and in their dealings with other people.
Love in a marital relationship requires respect, proper communication and a genuine soulful willingness to be the best friend, partner, and team mate that helps eachother grow.
Leave a Reply