The Woken Mind

 

I was married for 18 years to a covert narcissist.

I was on the verge of divorce at just 3 years in. Looking back, there were red flags popping up all over the place. But out of guilt and obligation (and a newborn), I remained somewhere that would destroy my ability to trust people from that point forward.

For 15 years, I went from career-driven, independent, highly passionate and motivated individual, to an insecure, co-dependent, socially isolated partner in a marriage that was void of love, affection and respect.

Now, 20 years later, I’m mentally spent. Exhausted. Tired.  The last ten years of my marriage, he had 9 affairs – some of which lasted for years. I cut myself off emotionally at the 5 year mark – the reasons I stayed were purely financial.

We did not go on vacations together.

We did not go out on date nights together.

Both of us had social media. But he had a private profile that showed himself being single. He ordered me to never tag him in any social media posts, nor with the kids.

He spent every weekend out at the bar, with others, while I was home raising our kids.

I got fed up with being second, third, fourth, in a marriage where I should have been first.

One day, it all changed. …  I became intentional.

If it doesn’t help me grow and learn, it’s not something in my line of sight. I can only do things that put myself first – my health, my feelings, my well-being. The more I do that, the more I find myself raising out of the traditional norms of the rest of the world and finding my values/thoughts/life completely unrelatable to that of the majority of “the world”.

The ego

social status

money

facade..

Having a picture perfect life on social media makes people think they feel better about themselves because appearance is everything.

All the money, trips, “stuff” in the world won’t ever fill the space that real, authentic, love can. Sad when you think about it… that image, social status, and material wealth blasted on social media is the go-to for most of the world.

My ex husband was an unavailable person, who chose to behave in a way that I didn’t want to associate with. Years later, I found more value in myself and my abilities – I don’t need to post awkward social media posts of myself, seeking validation/attention.

I’m tired…

I’m tired of being deceived

I’m sick of being second, third, and fourth…

I’m tired of words not matching actions

I’m tired of giving to people who don’t care/appreciate or are unwilling to receive my love

I’m tired of being told that my trauma is “less” than what others have experienced

I’m tired of putting myself out there for others that don’t value what I have to give

I’m tired of always being the giver and never being on the receiving end

I’m tired being treat like … I’m somehow less than others because I’m a single mother of five

For once I want/need someone who recognizes my worth and knows my rarity and fears losing my love.

Going through narcissistic abuse

… is a really lonely experience. It’s not like any other experience at all. There are so many different dynamics. You are dealing with lies, infidelities, verbal, psychological and even physical abuse, trauma, a loss of self esteem, deception and more. The only people who will truly EVER understand it are the people who have been through it themselves. This is not just a bad relationship experience – it’s the murder of a person’s spirit, it’s the dismantling and destruction of someone’s life, one piece at a time. And as you are trying to hold it together, people who don’t understand, rather than helping you, are looking at you like you are crazy. In a weird way, it feels like you are. The relationship slowly breaks you apart. It’s a difficult and horrible experience to go through.

I no longer wanted to entertain a life void of authentic love and compassion for comfort. I wasn’t willing to stay a second more in a toxic relationship because I was scared of being alone, scared of what others thought, scared of losing friends/family, or scared of financial ruin. I DID NOT CARE about societal status. I operated purely on my own energy.

I don’t want to be with a person that is yes than no…

I want you / I’m not sure…

Let’s meet up / I can’t make it…

I love you / I feel like I have to be with someone else..

Please leave a door open for me / In the meantime I will be all around, I can’t commit…

I’m not afraid to be alone

Because, being alone is the key to massive personal growth. To be scared to be alone is to be unwilling to truly find out what you are capable of.  In a narcissistic/toxic relationship, unwillingness to be alone is to be content with toxicity. It is willingness to be co-dependent on someone who is not healthy for your personal growth. Perhaps you are stuck in your ego – your status, your material wealth, stuck in the material world.

I don’t need anyone.

I’m not searching for myself in someone else.

I don’t need someone else to make up for my own insecurities.

I don’t need external validation (social media posts/boosts/attention seeking stories..)

I don’t need mind games or control..

I don’t want to be with a fearful person. I have an open heart and need someone who has an open heart, who can love me back. I refuse to be with someone who has a semi-closed door.

The very truth of my existence is that I’m rare. I can love.

I am a creative nurturer with a strong sense of personal integrity.

I strive to help others realize their potential.

I have the ability to help others find solutions to their personal challenges.

I don’t strive for validation. I don’t need to be “seen”. I am a private person.

I know how others are feeling before that person knows it himself/herself.

I have strong faith in my ability to read people.

My circle is almost non-existent. I value integrity, honesty, transparency, authenticity over drama, ego-driven, self absorbed, shallow, attention seeking individuals.

I believe in compassion, vulnerability and kindness. Making a connection with someone is far more rewarding to me than always being right.

I will spend little time caring for my own needs often dedicating my life/time to the needs of others.

I can feel emotions on a powerful level.