If anyone would have asked me what the hardest thing was when I got divorced, I would have said that it was worry about my children.
But.. there are so many other really hard things. Every divorce is unique – every single one is also difficult, scary, painful, and gut-wrenching. Even if you are the one who initiated the divorce, and even if you know that it is imperative that you need to divorce, the process is still challenging.
Sometimes, mediation and collaboration are possible, which can make the process a little bit more respectful. But even if you can do those things, divorce still isn’t easy.
If you ask the average person who has or is getting divorced what the hardest thing was for them, they’ll give you a garden variety of answers. Every person has their own challenges, but for the most part, the following areas contribute to making divorce a really difficult experience.
Making the Decision
The most difficult part of any divorce is making the decision. You may know that where you are is not where you want to be. And you may also know that the marriage is not repairable – but making that decision is very, very difficult.
Even if you are in a toxic relationship, you or family members may claim that it’s a violation of values. Sometimes, you may feel so hopeless because you know you don’t want to stay, but deep down, divorce isn’t something you want to do to your children. There are also outside family members and friends that may say it’s better to stay simply for the best interests of the children – I completely disagree with that route.
Allowing your children to experience marriage between two people who are not truly vested in eachother is just as harmful as leaving the marriage and dealing with the after effects. By leaving, especially in a toxic relationship, you are showing them that you have self love – and that staying in a toxic relationship should not ever be an option.
Worrying About Your Children
One of my biggest fears was telling my children that divorce was eminent. Thankfully, they were quite aware of the situation and they adapted quickly. For several months, and years after, I worried about the effects that it would cause on the children – I missed them when they weren’t with me, and I worried about them leaving.
Thankfully, this can be a great opportunity for you to spend extra time with them and enhance your parent/child relationship. My kids drew much closer to me following my divorce and have learned some valuable life lessons that they will carry on to their future relationships.
Feeling Like You Will Never Recover Financially
Divorce can be challenging for those who have been relatively smart with money. In fact, it often seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel — having to split everything you have worked so hard for (including your own businesses) is very challenging. Moving in a high-cost of living area is even more grueling, and realizing that you may have to earn more or even find a new job.
Money is a huge stressor to many people and is perhaps one of the biggest reasons people remain in unhappy marriages – they may not be happy, and the marriage may very well be toxic, but they are comfortable living in a toxic relationship because it is safe.
And predicable.
Hesitating to Trust People
While financial stresses may prevail as the most challenging to people in a divorce, your emotional health ranks right up at the top. You might worry that you will never recover emotionally.
You feel lost, without a compass.
You have lost your sense of purpose as a person, as a parent, even as a friend.
If you left a marriage that involved infidelity (as in my case), you will spend a lot of time wondering why you were not their first choice. You will be overwhelmed with grief, and you will feel betrayed. Even though the love in my marriage was never there to start with, I still felt angry that someone did not feel one ounce of remorse for his actions.
- I found myself crying every day … and asking myself ‘why’ –
- Why…. can’t I find an honest, forthright person who loves like I love?
- Why can’t I be someone’s first choice?
- Why am I not doing enough to prevent someone from having multiple affairs?
- Why am I not interesting enough to hang around?
- Why am I continually ignored? Why am I always passed over for someone else?
In my case, I was great at running a household, I was physically fit, I felt like I was very patient, adventurous, hard working and compassionate – yet I was passed over for others who fumbled their way around the kitchen or who couldn’t handle kids.
I had a hard time understanding how people could be so manipulative and destructive. It was a very big eye opener and one that led me to distance myself from everyone and almost become a recluse in my own life. I cut out 99.9% of people that I once knew simply because I felt like their presence was toxic in my life and their lack of understanding wasn’t helping me grow.
Over Time…
Over time, life gets better. You will come to realize that the hardest part was making the decision. The other things that followed were simply challenges and trials that have helped you grow as a person.
Eventually, you will feel in ways you haven’t felt before. You won’t feel so suffocated, you will create new traditions with your children, and you will find things that make you happy and full of life again.
What Hurts More than Divorce?
Jealousy, resentment, control, gaslighting & abuse (physical, mental & financial) are far more damaging than divorce. & may take a lifetime to heal.
In some instances it’s best to move on & heal than to recover a shipwreck. If two people aren’t committed to real work there is no guarantee that love & work will still save a marriage.
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