I have absolute utmost respect for single parents – quite literally, mothers; and I have a very heightened disdain for the respective absent fathers in society today.
I am a single mother.
I am a single mother with not just one, but five children.
Having spent the last several years as a single mother of five, with no outside help, I am pretty sure most people looking from the outside in (who haven’t been through what I have) have no idea what a single mother goes through.
I know what people say about “us” single mothers.
They look at us as being less than, broken, insignificant, a drain on society, and somehow… substandard.
They look at kids in a single parent family as broken, troubled, un-loving, and substandard.
If there ever was a situation where people should view a person’s actions as “doing the best that they can” when judging them, this is probably it. My actions, to others, may not always look right (or, look best) but I deal with thing after thing, and issue after issue, and in the end, I am doing the best I can.
And I will admit – I do it pretty damn good.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not the recipient of passive judgement.
Men, married and single, are some of the most condescending and judgmental individuals – they often times look at the single mother as tore up, broken, lacking morals, or looking for a hand-out. Women can also be just as judgmental – and it’s often times the women who are married who are quick to point out that being around a single mother of 5 is somehow a significant downgrade.
Even if their own marriage is in shambles (which they won’t ever admit).
I look at my own personal experience and I am proud of what I have endured. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the single mother – to include myself. I was married to a toxic, malignant narcissist for 18 years. Looking back now, red flags were evident just two years into the marriage. But… because I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, I continued on the path.
I also felt like it was my Christian obligation to make my marriage work – an obligation that would take me well past the expiration date, into a very toxic, manipulative, and physically abusive situation.
He prevented me from finishing my Masters Degree. I prevailed.
He tried, so desperately, to get me to leave my career. When I did not leave, he chose to return to the service, forcing me to stay home and raise our two children.
But… I started my own business. And eventually found my way to a six-figure income, all while raising children on my own.
He tried, so desperately, to get me to leave that business, that self employment. I prevailed.
He alienated me from my family, and friends, thinking I would become even more dependent on him. While he managed to successfully do that, I still continued to thrive by myself, for myself.
He disrespected me, stayed out with friends after work, and left me home with our kids. I managed to raise all of our kids on my own, without any help from him.
He tried, continually, to get me to stop running, working out and caring for myself. He wanted me to put on weight so that I became unattractive to anyone and therefore, had no other place to go. In his words “nobody will want you.”
Not only am I in better shape now than I ever have been, I continue to run marathons, half marathons, hike and lift daily in efforts to care for my mind, body and soul.
He refused to pay for utilities, the mortgage payment, and care for our home. He resorted to porn, video games, and the bare fucking minimum all because (in his eyes), he “worked” full time.
I worked full time too. But that didn’t matter.
I continued to run my business, while starting 3 more. I managed to pull my kids out of the public school system/charter school AND homeschool all of them while working full time.
He never thought that could be done. But I prevailed.
I paid all of the household bills. I maintained the vehicles. I cared for our yard, upkeep on the house and household garden. I ran the kids to all their practice appointments, activities and events – he never once attended.
He thought he could have the best of both worlds – women to fuck on the side, and a servant (me) at home to cook, clean and care for our kids – someone who would willingly do so without arguing, someone who would acquiesce to his demands.
But eventually, his time came to an end.
I was done. I gathered up all the respect I had for myself, and shoved that shit in his face and told him to fuck off, I would not be continuing to play into his bullshit life as he wanted it. He didn’t want to file for divorce, because that meant he couldn’t have his cake and eat it too – he actually had to step up and do things for himself.
I filed for divorce, and singlehandedly (without ANY help), moved my kids and I to a home on my own. After 18 years, I started from scratch. I left with the stuff I could fit in my truck, no help from anyone and absolutely NO money.
I re-built my businesses, continued to homeschool my children, and worked full time while raising kids.
I did this without any help.
I live in one of the most expensive cities, and yet… I manage to make shit work.
I make time to care and love on my children in ways that most kids would love to experience. I take my kids on trips, hikes, movie nights and special dates to share my love with them, in a time that they need it most.
Very few people could endure what I have endured. Very few people could work full time, with five kids, AND homeschool full time, and do 100% of everything on their own without ANY help.
My ability to deal with the trials of life and re-develop my character is nothing short of awe-inspiring. I have more respect for single women raising children on their own than I do for those who are married, living a lie of a perfect marriage on social media because they are holding onto status, image, money…
I might not have the picturesque life, but the life I have is one of deep, rich love and substance. My life does not require constant validation or attention-seeking on social media. It’s private. And it’s mine.
I’d rather be by myself, raising 5 beautiful children than be with someone who doesn’t have kids…who can’t understand the rigors of life, the complexities of a family or the sacrifices we have had to make to keep on keepin’ on.
The way I view single mothers is undoubtedly different from the way society views single mothers. Single mothers have taught me a lot about character, strength, resilience, courage, adversity, and depth of heart.
Those who are privileged enough to have the time or relationship with a single mother of many are so fortunate to have such a real, personal experience with someone that has the ability to work their way through anything and everything heaped upon their shoulders. Single mothers are undoubtedly awe-inspiring.
I am 10,000 more times inspired by single mothers KILLIN’ it every day than I am of influencers who throw out random quotes and advice with their picture perfect families on social media.
It’s always tough to truly understand something from the outside looking in … without real experience.
I recently remember being told by a man that if given the choice, they’d rather choose a beautiful woman over a single mother of many. I thought about that for a minute, and my first thought was:
“Fuck you. Single mothers are beautiful. Not only do they have a deeply beautiful heart, they have a level of character and strength that far surpass others.”
Someone who is clearly focused on finding a partner based on money and beauty, image and status only deserves someone as shallow as their personality and mindset.
I have more respect for those who have the self-respect to walk away from the things that no longer serve them, grow them, or make them happy than I do for those who stay stuck in toxic, limiting, suppressing relationships that are fake as fuck to those looking in from social media.
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