Finding peaceful healing and growth after narcissistic abuse
Hold on tight here – because this is a big one.
I recently was in a forum, online, where someone asked the following question:
“Why would couples, who once loved each other, after an affair, just decide to divorce after all they have shared together?”
Ahhh… the good’s “memories” line.
I discovered my MBTI type several years ago. It was perhaps one of the most fascinating things. Imagine, deer in the headlights – whoa!
That was my initial reaction.
Being in a toxic relationship is exhausting.
You feel hopeless, unseen, unheard, unloved.
To have every single area of your life invalidated while you are disrespected, ignored, poked fun at, and shamed.
I questioned myself. I blamed myself. I questioned my abilities.
All these years later I still do.
When someone ignores me or doesn’t respond to something I retreat. The last thing I want to be is a burden. And I don’t want to be just an “option” to someone who can’t put forth their best self on a consistent basis.
I was married to someone who slept around with a number of women.
I’m not sure what’s worse. Being cheated on, or knowing that your spouse wants to sleep around while remaining married in efforts to avoid the financial demise of divorce.
The only time the relationship with a narcissist works is if you sacrifice yourself to the relationship, and in the process, lose yourself.
Unfortunately, it never gets better. It might get tolerable for a brief period, but it won’t permanently get better until you make the decision to leave.
Narcissism happens to you slowly. The awful behavior slowly creeps in the back door.
Books (about relationships) will tell you what to do and instruct you to set a boundary. So you implement those tips you read in books and forums online. You will be told that you are the problem. You are the needy one. You are difficult.
When you exert your true self in a narcissistic relationship and create balance, they will shut that down – shaming you is a sure fire way to do that.
Be prepared to be told that you are the one with the problem, that you are crazy, or that you are over-sensitive.
You have to remind yourself that you aren’t all those things.
Setting boundaries is not possible when you are in a relationship with a narcissist.
They will use all the typical narcissist tactics (gaslighting, projection, deflection) and push every button until you are forced to shut down and walk away. Then, they will tell you that you are the narcissist and what you are doing is stonewalling.
Not only are you taking the abuse, now you are being identified as the abuser.
The result of that insidious behavior leads you to establish a pattern of distrust and social isolation to avoid a similar situation from happening again.
When you exert your true self in a narcissist relationship, they will find a way to shut that down.
Your strongest stance is to take your power back. Put your foot down, and recognize this is a common play for them.
It’s not an attitude of pride, but of congruence.
You can, and may still, continue to love them, but with another perspective, and from another level of understanding, comprehension and awareness. It is the most difficult thing you may have to do in your life.
But it will also be the most critical thing you can do in your life.
Stop having difficult conversations with people who refuse to change. Stop appearing for people who are indifferent to your presence. Stop giving your love and energy to people who are simply not ready to accept what you have to offer and who are not ready to love YOU.
When you begin to be in your life completely, and when you develop a respectable level of self love, and give yourself joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to meet you there.
That does not mean you have to change who you are. That does not mean you should accommodate them or tolerate their inability to care. It means you need to get away from people who are not prepared to be with you.
If you are: excluded, easily ignored, ghosted or blocked, left on read, forgotten or subtly insulted by the person you so deeply care for, for the person you have gone out of your way for, and for the person you have been nothing but transparent and honest with, you are not doing yourself a favor.
Do not continue to offer them your energy and life.
You are not for everyone. Nor are they for you. That is what makes it SO special when you find people with whom you have a genuine friendship or relationship. You will know just how precious it is, because you will have experienced what it’s not.
The more time you spend forcing someone to interact with you, forcing them to care, forcing them to “show up”, the more you are depriving yourself of something bigger, better, and more valuable.
There are millions of people on this planet. There is someone out there that will meet you at your energy, who will give you their time, who will respect your presence and what you have to offer.
There is someone out there with the same vibration that you have, that won’t leave you wondering who or what you mean to them.
The longer you stay for someone who uses you as a cushion, or second option, the longer you miss out on finding a community or person that is your match.
“Maybe they forgot me completely.”
“Maybe if I stop showing up, they’ll love me less.”
“Maybe if I stop pursuing, the messages will end…”
“If I stop loving then maybe the emotions will go away.”
That doesn’t mean you are a bad person. It does not mean you gave up on them. They gave up on themselves.
It means that the only thing that sustained the relationship or connection you had was the energy that you and ONLY YOU put into it!
That is NOT love!
The most important thing that you can do for yourself and for your life is protect your energy more fierce than anything else.
Guard your life such as a way that only people who care, listen and truly connect with you are permitted inside.
You cannot save people.
You cannot convince people that they are worthy of bigger, and better things.
It’s not your job to give others pieces of your life in efforts to save them, because you feel sorry for them, or because you feel an obligation to care for those who are broken. At the end of the day, you may be afraid that they will not return that favor.
To love is to release those who cannot reciprocate or love you the way you love them, so that they can move on in their life and learn how to properly love and care for others.
Your job is to move on. Care for yourself. Find someone with whom you can share in the reciprocity of healthy love. A love that’s not dependent on ego, or material items, status or benefits. It’s a love that’s based on a whole new level of consciousness.
You deserve a true commitment, and a complete love, from those who are healthy, energetically vibrant, inspiring, and prosperous. You deserve someone who compliments your state of being and doing. You deserve someone who respects your goals and dreams, craves to love in the same capacity they receive love.
When you start showing up to your life wholly and completely, with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone is going to be ready to meet you there.
You ok? You seem off today.
(Me)… I’m always ok. It’s fine. Nobody else is going to do it for me, are they?
Recognizing you are in or have been in a narcissistic relationship is a very isolating and lonely experience. Even worse, is leaving that relationship and finding out that it’s even more lonely.
Most people have never heard of narcissism, and have no idea how damaging it is or the extent to which the abuse continues to last, even after a separation or divorce.
It’s Mother’s Day. You see advertisements everywhere. As people celebrate the love they received from their mother and how they couldn’t have accomplished anything without her support, you can’t reel in your feelings. This was not your experience.
Your mother was selfish, and your role growing up was to constantly have to adapt to her mood swings, silent treatment, violent outbursts or incredibly horrible acts of child abuse. You express this today, and confide in how much you detest Mother’s Day.
You comment to friends and even maybe family about how you don’t wish to honor your mother on Mother’s Day, and they reply “oh come on! She’s your mother!” Guilt… hits your stomach and you begin to question your experiences. This creates confusion. This is gaslighting.
On Mother’s Day, you secretly hope your children will do something special for you. But even more so, you hope your husband will recognize you as a wonderful mother. Perhaps do something special for you to express his thankfulness for you – being the caretaker to your children. Caring for the household… being who you are. Instead, he fails to acknowledge the day in its entirety and packs up the kids to take them to his mother’s house, where he encourages them to tell their grandma “Happy Mothers Day!”
It hurts… that the person you married fails to recognize the person he committed his life to, and instead, asks your children to recognize their grandma. While she is a mother, she’s not their mother. She is HIS mother.
Your birthday is quickly approaching. You can’t believe another year has passed by so quickly… Nonetheless, you are excited to share the day celebrating with your family, your kids, and maybe even some time outdoors. But there is no celebration – in fact, your spouse doesn’t even realize the day is your birthday. He jumps in his vehicle to go eat at his parents house, returns home only to jump on the computer in his locked office to play video games.
The kids… don’t even realize what day it is, they just get up as if it’s a regular day without any celebration. Later that day when you tell your spouse how hurt you are that they forgot your birthday, they attack you for being too emotional, “expecting” too much. They blame their inability to recognize your day as your fault for not doing enough for them at home, and the day then quickly becomes one of confusion. You withdraw. Every year you are reminded of the year prior; every year you feel trapped and desperate for freedom.
The daily hurt you experience is deep. You can’t communicate with anyone about how hurtful these experiences are… you start to wonder if anyone even really cares. Those are just two experiences that can lead you feeling alone, discouraged and have you questioning your reality. They don’t understand, they never will.
Several years ago, I was faced with the future of divorce from a person with narcissistic patterns of behavior who had been guilty of domestic violence and relationship betrayal. The marriage had endured for 18 years; the home was destroyed so much prior to the divorce and through the divorce that the realtors identified the home as “foreclosure” condition.
Yet the court, once-friends, Congregational church members, pastor and family side-stepped the abuse and made excuses for his behavior, blaming it on my inability to make my partner happy.
Living together through the divorce led to my ex husband tampering with my vehicle, placing GPS trackers on the undercarriage, hacking my child’s phone, and cutting utilities to the house we resided in. He left our child on the roof of the house, failed to use child restraints, failed to pick up our children from practice for hours at a time (to never show up), and consumed alcoholic beverages while driving our children.
Yet the court, once-friends, Congregational church members, pastor and family made excuses for his behavior.
My ex spouse drained our bank accounts during the divorce, stole the stimulus money, stopped paying the utilities and mortgage, and instead, opted to pursue his porn passion spending upwards of $50,000 in just over five months on porn memberships,.
Yet the court, once-friends, Congregational church members, pastor and family side-stepped his attempts at financial abuse and made excuses for his behavior, and instead said that as a wife, my obligation is to my spouse.
After the divorce, my ex left his job, and started working for himself. He lied to the court about is employer, failed to communicate to the court his new place of employment, and withdrew his wage garnishment since he was now a sole proprietor. He failed to pay his monthly child support, medical and dental for the children, and completely disregarded the court order to pay for part of the children’s homeschool.
Yet the court, once-friends, Congregational church members, pastor and family side-stepped his attempts at financial abuse and lack of willingness to take responsibility as a parent and instead suggested that I allow him “grace”.
Two years post divorce, my ex uses power and control to manipulate our six year old into divulging everything she does at Mother’s house. He threatens the oldest two children with law enforcement visits and “jail time” if they refuse to go to his house. When they do go to his house, he forces the oldest two to parent the younger three, so he can continue his video game and porn addiction. He locks the fridge with a padlock so they can’t eat while at his house, and refuses to allow them to lock their door for privacy – instead, removing all the locks on all the interior doors and placing cameras strategically through the house to monitor their movements.
Yet the court, once-friends, Congregational church members, pastor and family side-stepped these attempts at power and control. Church members tell the children that the Bible says we are to honor our Father and Mother by obeying them regardless of the verbal abuse and manipulation.
Then there are others who know you may have been in an abusive marriage, yet fail to be able to put themselves in your shoes to understand the implications that divorce had on your family, finances and mental health.
As a single parent, on one income, raising 5 children while self employed and homeschooling full time, the struggle is very real. People who are married with two incomes, raising no children or few children will never be able to understand the implications until they themselves experience what you have:
“You’d be better off trading your vehicle and buying a new one!” I’d love to – except right now it’s a struggle to make my rent payment. I’m not sure how I’d afford a car payment, too.
“Just move somewhere cheaper!” I’d love to – except I’m required to stay within a 100 mile radius for child exchange, and the farther I move in that radius, the more fuel I’m having to pay for.
“I don’t understand why you don’t just buy a house! Buying is better than renting!” I’d love to – except buying requires a down payment. Right now, houses in my city are over $400K and require two strong incomes. I have only one, and it’s not adequate to buy.
“Can’t you just rent a cheaper place?” I’d love to, if I could find one. The market dictates the cost of rent, and right now, the market has more people renting vs. buying, therefore driving up prices. To pay $2,400/mo is not unusual, though it is unaffordable.
“Must be nice to stay home with your children all day! What a blessing!” Yes – it is! But I homeschool five, all day, every day. And I work from home too. Imagine taking your children to work with you every day, and having to come home and be the household manager to cook, clean, chauffeur and repair?
“Doesn’t he have to pay child support?” Yes, he’s supposed to. Does he mean that they do? No. Unfortunately there is little accountability to enforce.
“Just take him back to court!” Easier said than done. Going back to fight for more parenting time, or enforcement of support requires a lawyer. If you are struggling to make ends meet, how will you ever afford a lawyer?
I have come to the realization that there will never be anyone who truly understands what it is like to feel so powerless. If you can relate to any of this, I’m throwing you a life preserver.
If you can’t find anyone who understands, or can empathize, take the following steps:
Therapy: find a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse. There are resources available for therapists on a sliding scale if you cannot afford their per hour rate, or don’t have health insurance.
Online support groups: You might be surprised at what you can find online. Quora and Reddit are wonderful areas to gain support from people going through many of the same issues.
Spend time alone: As much as it may help to get therapy, the best thing you can do is self isolate. Use this time to reflect, and educate yourself. Spend some time alone. Get outside – go hike, walk, run… find something that will help you introspect and put a focus on healing – not staying stuck in the muck of the relationship or in the past.
I promise, you are not alone. There are many people out there who have experienced similar situations. .. you have to find them. It might not be easy, and yes, it may take considerable time. But don’t quit looking for support… it’s there.