I think we’ve all been there before. At least I’m certain we have.
We have all had the experience of chasing someone we adored, but at the same time wondering why they are not reciprocating the feelings back.
Perhaps they do give us the attention back, only to pull it away and leave us confused and bewildered. Or perhaps you start to feel distant from them, so to capture their attention, you start doing more nice things in hopes of getting their attention again, maybe even the possibility of affection.
Regardless of either, going after someone like that gets really tiring after some time. No matter how much you might love them, and how much you care about them, to not have that feeling reciprocated or to be left in a state of constant confusion is gut wrenching.
What really creates the painful torture in our soul is negativity in ourselves – our internal beliefs in ourself, that we may have been carrying with us for years. Perhaps from the earliest years when we were little kiddos.
When we chase after someone, we’re hoping that we will reach this person who does not reach for us.
We’re choosing to focus on someone who, simply put, is not choosing us. We might feel any of the following:
“I”m too much, I know I am.”
“I can’t life without you.”
“Nobody will ever love me like you do…”
“I’ll never find anyone quite like you…”
“I know, I know I’m not enough…”
These fears are propelled by our own insecurities, our need to feel safe and in control. The truth is, we don’t need someone else or something outside of us to make us happy. Instead of chasing after someone who isn’t choosing us, we need to take the time to understand why we are chasing — that inner work might lead us to find out what’s driving the chase. Is it childhood trauma? Core wounds? Abandonment issues?
Instead of chasing, work on those limiting beliefs you have about yourself. Your insecurities are what are preventing you from showing up fully for YOU.
The key is to choose people who choose you.
If someone wants to be in your life, you shouldn’t have to beg, chase or plead for their attention. They will want to show up naturally in your life, and for you, on consistent daily basis.
If your absence doesn’t bother them, then you’re presence never mattered to them in the first place.
Let go of people who aren’t ready to love you. And stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence. Sometimes, our instinct is to do everything we can to gain the appreciation of special people in our lives – but that impulse does nothing but steal your time, energy, mental and physical health.
If you are forgotten, ignored, insulted, forgotten or ghosted by the people you give your time to, you are not doing yourself a favor by continuing to offer them your energy. Your life.
The truth is – you are not for everyone. The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy. Both of those things are limited. The most important thing you can do for yourself and those who appreciate you is protect your energy. You are not responsible for saving anyone. Nor are you responsible for convincing others to find you worthy: you already are.
When you show up for yourself with joy, love and commitment, not everyone will be ready or even willing to meet you there. Real love and commitment is precious – you know it is because you have experienced what it isn’t.
But if you continue to choose someone who fails to choose you, you are living in comfortable fear – you will continue to be their breadcrumbs, their alternative, their back burner option. You are doing a disservice to yourself by staying out of obligation, duty, loyalty – fear, perhaps.
I mean, why would you want someone in your life who doesn’t know if they want you in theirs?
If they don’t choose you, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are a bad person. It means that they are not ready to accept the love and energy you have at that particular time.