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I recently sat in an hour-long church service at my local church on a Wednesday evening. The title of the sermon was “What are you giving up on?”
Finding peaceful healing and growth after narcissistic abuse
It’s just after midnight as I’m sitting in my dimly lit kitchen, listening to my children snore as the television continues to play Hells Kitchen.
A loaf of coconut chai sourdough bread has just been pulled from the oven and the house smells of this fresh-baked goodness. My fingers, tap on the keyboard, one after the other – as my thoughts come together.
“What do you do when it’s 115 outside and you can’t hike or run?”
At least that’s what I was asked about a half dozen times this past week. There is, undoubtedly, some truth to that question.
Is 115 degrees hot? Certainly.
Is it uncomfortable? Absolutely.
Do I still hike and run? The answer is… yes, and yes.
I love the outdoors, enjoy to hike, and relish in running. I’ve noticed that, if I don’t hike or run regularly, my skill level and aptitude for hiking/running doesn’t stay at its peak. Instead, it declines – until, that is, I get myself on a regular practice routine again.
And then, finally, it’ll start growing again.
Growth requires movement.
Growth also requires action.
Sometimes, that action is sweat, discomfort, the occasional tear, pain, and frustration.
We are designed to grow. That is what we are meant to do. Growth makes us healthy, it helps us to be wise/wiser, and should make us happy. When we set goals to learn, achieve and improve on ourselves, we experience growth in the process of reaching those goals we have set.
Growth requires dedication, determination, consistency, and certainly, a mindset.
Being deliberate about doing things that push your limits magnificently. Difficulty helps you grow. Discomfort helps you grow.
Stepping outside of your comfort zone forces you to challenge your limitations and grow in new ways.
Take, for example, hiking and running in the 115 degree heat. It’s hard – painstakingly hard. It’s also lonely – after all, good luck trying to get others to go with you, it’s just not happening.
I mean, who goes out in that weather to hike?
By stepping out of your comfort zone and putting yourself in that environment, it challenges you in ways you may never have imagined. It forces you to adapt to the heat, hydrate adequately, and challenge yourself to climb mountains, steep inclines, and rocky trails when you may never have thought you could do it at all.
Discomfort is a catalyst for growth.
Unfortunately, many people just don’t grow. They are comfortable where they are and they remain stunted.
Their lack of growth leads to discontentment, relationship issues, poor physical health. At the end of the day, it’s definitely easier for people to stay out of that sunny, hot weather and be inside their cool air conditioning – but then they remain stagnant.
Certainly, you can stay home in comfort – but is it going to stretch you in ways that experiencing a new, challenging environment are?
Definitely not.
Instead of taking a huge leap, they’ll take an easier step and play out the more comfortable route – thinking that they’ll grow. But you won’t truly have significant growth until you make significant changes.
While growth is definitely uncomfortable, not growing is worse.
You may lose everything – in fact, you might lose things many times.
The last four years of my life has marked the most significant growth in all of my 40+ years of life. But… it has also marked more loss than gain.
Losing everything forces you to become hungry. It’s almost an accelerator of growth rather than a limiter. It could have led me to depression but instead, it was a catalyst for bigger, and better things.
Throughout the last few years, I have been the underdog.
I didn’t have huge sums of money to live. I certainly did not have the nicest of things. I didn’t have money for continued therapy, and more times than not, I was alone – to deal with my thoughts and introspect.
I didn’t have family or friends to support or be a listening ear.
And I certainly didn’t have any family or friends to help me take care of five demanding children. I had my own self employment that was barely getting by, and periods of time where I doubted my confidence more times than not.
Looking from the outside in, I was categorized as that single mother of 5 that probably made bad choices. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, years later, with the following voices echoing in my mind:
“You’ll never make it on your own!”
“You’re a stupid piece of shit, you don’t deserve to be a fucking mother!”
“You’re going to fail! You’re going to fail and you’re not going to be able to support your children.”
“You’re never going to find anyone who wants someone as pitiful as you!”
Four years later: one thing stands out.
I am definitely stronger, not weaker.
I became determined to make it. As someone who has always been a high performer in all areas of my life, I channel any doubt and anger into fuel for motivation.
Groth became my mind game.
Your mind doesn’t always want you to grow. It wants you to be safe, be comfortable. Your mind wants reassurance, predicability, safety, support.
To grow you have to train your mind – every single day.
Transform the negative with positive, useful thoughts. Sometimes, that means cutting yourself off of everything and everyone – the news, social media, other people, family members, even friends.
To not cut yourself off is to pollute your mind with someone else’s agenda, thoughts of you, plans for you. Those things waste your potential.
It’s far too easy to stay comfortable. I stayed comfortable for 18 years in a toxic marriage. I numbed the pain of unhappiness, constant put downs, disrespect and manipulation by staying home, working more, taking on more projects and putting every bit of energy I had into my children.
I lived like that for far too long. I was scared of being uncomfortable. I was scared of the unknown, the unpredictability, having to lose what I worked hard for.
But one day, something hit me. I needed to be honest with myself and get out of the toxic situation I was in. Even if that meant discomfort.
Because not taking action was definitely worse – it was affecting my physical and mental health, and my outlook on life.
I did the most drastic of things and filed for divorce. And then, I started hitting the trails.
I had, in the past, hit the trails.
But this time, I hit the trails with an even bigger determination. What started as 45 minute hikes led to several hour trips to the mountains. Before you know it, I was tackling the most challenging of hikes in the entire state.
And trails I wouldn’t have normally hiked or ran started to look easy. So I added them to my repertoire.
I tackled hikes at 4:30 a.m., and shifted my days to accommodate the sunrise, then sunset. And now, in the heat of the summer, I’m enjoying basking in the 115 degree heat as a lone wolf on the trails of the mountains when everyone else is on their sofa or in their comfortable air conditioning.
If you wake up in the morning with no sense of purpose or direction, you’ll end up reverting back to your old, unproductive habits.
And you’ll be stagnant in life.
No growth = no purpose.
When you have a purpose and meaning to your life, it’s hard not to grow. Looking back, it’s embarrassing to see the person I was 5-10 years ago – comfortable, stagnant in life and complacent.
True growth requires some time in discomfort.
Sometimes, that means being alone.
Sometimes, that means doing things that are hard, make you sweat, and make you uncomfortable.
As I approached the counter in the post office late last week with a load of packages, I heard the clerk:
“You just never stop do you? You’re one dedicated person to be out there every day in this weather.”
You are your habits. Your mind is a reflection of your habits.
Your body is a reflection of your habits.
Growth costs nothing but a mindset to commitment.
It costs nothing to be kind. It certainly doesn’t cost anything to think long term.
To grow requires optimism.
There’s no other barrier aside from your own effort and mindset.
There really can be someone out there who is your perfect match.
Someone who has the ability to fill your heart like nothing else, and no-one else can.
It’s not timing.
And it’s certainly not circumstance.
It’s the person themselves.
If you are lucky enough to meet this person, you’ll know instantly. The bond you form with them will be like nothing you have ever experienced, and nothing you ever will experience.
So what happens when you find this person?
You stop looking for something else.
Their needs are as important as your own. You notice flaws, but they don’t seem like that much of a big deal. You compliment them daily because – after all, they are on your mind. You care for that person when they are sad, and listen to them when they need an ear. You support them when they are going through challenging times.
When they make a mistake, you apologize.
When there is an argument, it’s upsetting to you and you just want to try to make it right.
You both are best of friends. And every day, you try to show how much that person means to you.
INFJ’s are undoubtedly contradictions. A paradox. If anything, a walking contradiction. They are, essentially, the “rarest” Myers-Briggs personality type. And rightfully so – they have their quirks.
They are serious, logical, and hardworking, but also compassionate, conscientious and reserved. They value close, deep connections and are sensitive to the needs of others, but also need time and space alone to rest and recharge.
They are essentially born with a lack of deviousness. They are a rarity.
What makes them so rare is that they don’t think about hurting people intentionally, if at all. They don’t ever think about getting the advantage over people, claiming attention, and they can’t be bullied. They aren’t afraid of going against the grain.
Likewise, they can’t be peer pressured into things.
The contradiction is really the tie that binds the INFJ.
Deep inside, they are highly upstanding. Righteous. Good-minded. They have an independent code that they live by.
It’s surprising, then, what they tolerate – and, likewise, what they won’t. It won’t make sense to most people.
How can one be so virtuous and yet tolerate so much? It’s because the moral code of the INFJ is based on kindness and honesty.
How can an INFJ be so fearless to stand up to that bully, and yet be afraid to show who they really are?
How can an INFJ be so kind and generous to others but deep down, believe that nobody cares about them?
How can an INFJ tolerate so much without so much as a word, but then stand up for indecency or maltreatment?
How can an INFJ be the life of the event, but then need copious amounts of alone time?
A true INFJ thinks wholly and deeply about everything. They study people and themselves, they crave authenticity, honesty, and real experiences. They are driven to connect to people and are constantly seeking kindred souls but yet, at the same time, are wholly independent.
A true INFJ has a thought-out reason for everything that they do. Every word and action is picked very intentionally – yet, they fail at planning the most basic of things.
A true INFJ holds themselves to an incredibly high standard but not those around them.
A true INFJ is extremely forgiving but at the same time, completely intolerant.
INFJ’s are quiet, and soft-hearted, but yet able to fight to the death. They are undoubtedly the silent person in the room, unless they are with kindred souls – then?
They absolutely light up the room – so much in fact that you would mistake an INFJ for an extrovert.
….Is that no-one understands us. And if we find someone who does – someone who sees us like we see them, who acknowledges who we are, and isn’t blinded by disbelief – then we will love them forever.
Emotionally, we are extremely fragile.
Because we give all of ourselves to love, we get our sense of purpose from nurturing others. We are careful with your heart, and we are mortified when we have hurt you. We will cherish you and hold you on the highest pedestal, where ou can do everything and never be wrong.
Until… you start to take us for granted.
Until you don’t listen when we ask you to listen, when you ignore us, or when you unleash anger at us or diminish who we are or what we do. Because everything that we are and do is meaningful to us – we do things with intention.
When you see us as something we are not, when you lie to us, or when you question who we are, then we retreat. This is intolerable to us.
We can’t stand that which isn’t real.
We give up.
To us, that hurts. It’s almost, in a sense, unforgivable because we would never ever think of doing that to you.
One false move, and we can’t recover. Honesty and authenticity are required. If you can be anything, be honest – or you will see us spiral down. We are emotional perfectionists – but please, don’t put us on a pedestal. Please do not lie.
We don’t want the scrutiny or applause. Let us be who we are.
And don’t, ever, plug yourself into us for dear life. INFJ’s need their alone time to recharge, think, process, and heal. If you depend on us emotionally, we risk breaking. We will let you get close, but at the same time, we don’t want you to get too close.
We make no sense, and yet to some, we make perfect sense.
Don’t be afraid to tell an INFJ you love them – for an INFJ loves words. They love to hear words with meaning. But they don’t want meaningless compliments. Be honest, tell the truth. If you can’t speak words, write them a song, paint them a picture – your effort and thought means everything to them.
A true INFJ thinks a lot. They study and crave someone to do the same.
Because INFJ’s are so rare, nobody understands them. Usually when people think they understand us, they are way off the mark.
So when someone comes along that does seem to understand us, they are almost like a tall glass of water in the middle of the desert.
All we need, crave for, desire is for someone to see us. Hear us. Love us. And let us be who we are.