emotional abuse

Categories: Divorce

Why Didn’t You Leave

Disbelief is a big reason why people stay with a narcissist. They can’t get past their projection of their own mind, so they think that there is something wrong with their intelligence. It doesn’t help that the narcissist is a master manipulator at wearing down your intelligence subtly over time, so that you no longer trust your inner intuition.

Under normal circumstances, we might be able to walk away from our abuser and look elsewhere for help. Unfortunately, when you are with a narcissist, conditions are anything “but” normal.

Narcissists target those who are gullible, with little to no relationship experience. By doing this, they have nothing to compare their current experience with a narcissist. Their victim is easier to manipulate and control when they are naive, gullible and have little to no relationship experience.

I was already conditioned to accept disrespect and manipulation, and maltreatment because of my childhood. This is one reason that domestic violence victims don’t leave their abusers. If you have experience growing up in a toxic household, or with a parent who displayed narcissistic patterns of behavior, being with a narcissist as a spouse is somewhat similar. You will not have anything to compare your current relationship with because all you know is what you have seen or experienced in the past. Both my mother and father were entirely different people behind closed doors. It took all four of us children growing up and leaving for people in the community and even in our own family to see that my parents had psychological issues that contributed to the drifting of our family.

I believed in the power of my self sacrificing love so I stayed, when in reality, I should have left. One thing that was constantly reinforced as a child (of a narcissist) was my ability to give. I have always been a giver, by nature. As an adult, I relate to others by giving. And because narcissists are constantly “hunting” for empaths who will “give” (ad nauseam), and give to the point of their own self destruction.

At some level, I did not leave because I thought the way he treated me was normal. Familiarity is a very challenging pattern to break. When I was already conditioned to accept disrespect, manipulation and maltreatment, I thought it was normal. It wasn’t until I started to see other relationships (social media, in public, at church), that I thought that something may be crucially messy about my relationship.

I lacked the ability to see warning lights, despite the fact that they were glowing red for years. As a child, I wasn’t allowed to have boundaries (I was raised by a narcissistic father and borderline mother), so although there were many red flags, I brushed them off, thinking that they weren’t really anything to be concerned about.

I was tied financially, without the ability to leave. I was married to someone who made a great deal of money and controlled the money in a sense, so as to prevent me to have or spend money without knowing every detail of what was being purchased. Narcissistic abusers use power and control to financially abuse victims. They do this by using the finances to control, threaten, manipulate and control the victim – after all, money is power.

I believed his threats to take the kids and get full custody. I have always been the primary parent, main caretaker of our children since the day they were born. I was always present to take them to church, Bible group, youth camp, practice, even so much as homeschooling all 5 children. He was never present yet always took credit for their accomplishments. Narcissists see divorce as a threat to control, causing them to lash out and manipulate their ex. They will often times threaten to fight for full custody because they know how important the children are to you and as a result, they will go to great lengths to “win”, at the expense of the children. They also see anything but full custody as a child support payment to you, the victim, and that’s not something they thoroughly enjoy the concept of.

Victims don’t understand that they are being abused. I remember going online on message boards for clarification to validate what my intuition was telling me, but years later, I was still in the same toxic place as before. I craved validation. There are days that I still do.

I didn’t wake up every morning wondering what people were trying to pull over me, wondering what they are trying to get from me. I did not take a class in how to spot master manipulators and the people they love to hate. I was caught with my guard down. Unless you have lived through it, and even when you do, there is NO simple path to understanding it.

I was very much overwhelmed for so long, and still to this day blame myself for being so unaware. But eventually, my give a damn got up and left and I realized exactly what was going on. I had absolutely no strength to push back anymore. I had nothing left in me.

Categories: Divorce

The Wrong Person?

Divorce

Think about that.

How does it feel to recognize that you married someone that wasn’t a good match for you? Depending on how long you have been married, it can feel disappointing. Lonely. But for others, it might feel good.

When I came to the realization that I had married someone who was nothing close to what a good match should have been, I felt a sigh of relief. To actually be able to accept that a choice I had made was made in bad faith and that I had indeed married a bad match.

I got an idea early on that I married wrong – it was a red flag. The way he spoke to people. And the way he cussed out people who crossed the street in a manner that was slower than what he wanted. Or the way he yelled and berated people who didn’t give him the correct order at the fast food establishment. Or how he blamed every one of his problems on someone else.

Or, the fact that he constantly lied about where he was, or what he was doing, or who he had gone to eat lunch with. I ignored it, and tried to make it work because I was married.

I remained in denial as the red flags continued to pile up. Until there was so many of them I looked like a freakin flag-porcupine. I raked my brain for more and more excuses when people used to question my marriage.

Then finally, one day, the abscess that was our marriage popped. It could have popped quietly. But it popped with fireworks, and displays of domestic violence. Holes in the walls of our home, an axe that destroyed weeks worth of garden beds that I had constructed in the backyard.

Why didn’t I call the police?

Calling the police would have removed the kids from our care altogether and placed in them in foster care. They would have been separated, more than likely, and my chance of getting them back would have been even more difficult. When physical violence is involved, it is often times not regarded as such unless there is a loss of life or it leads to severe injuries at the Emergency Room. And even then, the violence is in question.

It ended with the loss of gas, water, and electricity. The fireworks display didn’t stop there… it continued with a malicious attempt to sabotage the family vehicle so as to prevent the kids and I from leaving the home. It ended with the children jumping out the window of their bedroom and running for help to the park down he street, another child running several doors down to a neighbors house for refuge. My children kept their screens displaced off of their front windows just because they feared him coming after them at night and preventing their exit.

The fireworks didn’t stop that day. They continued for 18 months, while we remained in the home, because my family lawyer said that if I left, I would lose custody of the kids. So I remained, sharing a home with someone who was vengeful and spiteful. Knowing we homeschooled and I worked from home, he cut the internet to the home so as to prevent me from making money and the kids from learning. My only solace was getting in the truck and driving to the park, or down to the state trust land that neighbored our area and sitting there for hours.

He went after the kids with the belt, beating them on their back and bottom when they didn’t do what he said. He locked rooms on the house to prevent us from being able to live properly. He continued to feed his porn addiction while stopping all payments on the house, utilities, and automatic payments. He even went so far as to wrap carpet around the axle of my truck to damage the suspension, while disabling every other family vehicle so that I would never have a second option if my truck broke down.

The day the divorce decree was issued, we were given 7 days to move and sell the home. I moved several hours later. It was then that I realized how far I walked away from who I am, for the sake of trying to make it work with someone I had absolutely no feeling for.

The first night in the rental home with my children, I took the longest shower of my life, I looked int he mirror and finally saw myself – as I was before I made this big mistake.

Some people spend their lives stuck in marriages for the sake of the children. When you stay with someone just because of the children that’s an indication that there is no love between you. The reason you should be staying with someone is because you truly love them and want to be with them. When you stay with them just for the children you are showing them the opposite of what they should be seeing.

The relationship is more of a chore than a feeling of enjoyment. The behaviors affect your children in how they view relationships. The way couples act towards each other will cause the children to see the behavior as normal behavior – which is what fuels a continued trap into toxic dating or relationships.

Categories: Relationships

The Wrong Person

It wasn’t just several years ago that I realized I was with the wrong person. I’d have to go back to 2006 – it was then, that I started to really think about where I was.

Somehow, I was too fearful to leave. I felt a sense of duty to try to work to keep the marriage together – the Christian mentality kicked in. I was expecting our first at the time, and I didn’t particularly want to be a single mother in a large city with a high cost of living.

He must have known how I felt, because he was on the defensive – and continually mentioned that if I was to “leave”, that he would petition for full custody of our daughter for my unwillingness to make things work. Being as naive as I was, I didn’t realize that would never be enough of a reason for the court to take away my child completely. But in another way, it was a small window to what [would] become a much larger issue of control and manipulation through the years.

So I stayed.

But I was not emotionally vested in the marriage. Nor was I vested in him.

It’s challenging to even mention that, because I don’t want to sound void of empathy. I am empathetic – in fact, I’ll foolishly give of myself to the point that I sometimes lose myself in the process. But hearing him make that threat should have been a huge red flag for me at that time.

Unfortunately it wasn’t.

And the red flags continued

It wasn’t long after that, when I returned home from a 2-day work trip to find a new car in our driveway. It wasn’t until I opened the front door that I realized he had purchased a brand new car without consulting me prior. Knowing that I wasn’t cooperative with the concept of car payments, I was flabbergasted as to his eagerness to bypass me entirely and make such a large purchase (unannounced at that). His response said it all..

“Why would I have to ask you? Just because I’m married to you doesn’t mean I have to ask you or talk to you.”

Wondering if that was how all marriages worked or if I was just in a bad situation entirely, I shut down and didn’t respond. Considering I worked in Army recruiting, I was privy to those who were enlisting downtown in Phoenix at the Military Entry Processing Station (MEPS). In most cases, I reviewed educational transcripts prior to enlistments to determine benefit eligibility and military entrance.

A little over 2 years later, when our daughter was just a few years old, I was shocked to find out that my husband had re-affirmed his oath to service with plans to attend special officer training on the East Coast, and once again, failed to consult me. I felt ignored, belittled, and angry, wondering once again, why I was married to someone who had no regard for my input in something that would affect the future of our family.

I was just a few weeks why of having our 2nd child, and it was at that time that he was angry that I was working full time. He tried to make me feel guilty for putting our oldest child in daycare, indicating that it was my job to care for the child. Likewise, he wanted me to leave my position at my work, after all, he was leaving for the Army and I needed to care for the kids.

I wasn’t on board with leaving, but I felt a tremendous guilt – looking back, he knew that he could manipulate me through guilting me about our children and he did so very easily. I left my government position, and when I resigned, I lost that future retirement match and opportunity to advance in my career.

I was now a stay at home mom

At the time, that was a scary place .. to realize that you were now dependent on someone who had no interest in helping you be the person you truly had the opportunity to be. Moreover, someone who didn’t respect you as a partner in the marriage. Looking back now, that was a blessing in disguise. That is what helped me pave the way to self employment, to gaining my independence back, and working towards something I would later find crucial in my attempt at self preservation.

Over the next few years, I came to realize that there are likely many women who give up their careers to care for their children. While that is a sacrifice in and of itself, many of these women follow behind men who carefully manipulate their wife to achieve that goal – pulling their wife away from their income stream so as to have that power and control over them as the future progresses.

After all, without a job, there is no income, potentially an absence of insurance, and no future savings vehicles for retirement. Without an income, they are financially dependent on their husband. For men, that’s a free ticket to guaranteed child care, house cleaning, and on-demand sex that they know isn’t likely to go away, especially considering the wife has no way out.

In my case, it was a free ticket to allow him to work late, go out with co-workers, and involve himself with emotional and physical intimacy with women that he worked with daily. All while I was at home, caring for the household and the kids in a way that should have been a partnership.

Looking back, the signs were, many times, obvious. I just wanted to see only the good or ignore them wholly.

So how do you know if you are with the wrong person?

Be honest with yourself. Trust your gut instinct on this one. No amount of internet articles or self help books can reassure you enough to make up for the courage you need to admit that you are just wasting your time with someone who isn’t good for you.
Have a tough conversation with them. Perhaps your partner doesn’t know how his actions are affecting you. Then again, perhaps they do know, and they are covertly manipulative in their efforts to degrade you. Be honest with them, and at least try to initiate the discussion. If they truly care about you and your relationship future, they will make an effort to address the issues at hand and improve upon them in a way that helps both of you feel loved and heard.
See what they present to you. Stop making excuses for your partner, and make every attempt to see both the good and the bad. A true indicator of their spirit lies within their words and actions.

If you are able to truly sit down and have an honest conversation, both with yourself and your partner, you will be one step further in the right direction to try to figure out where your relationship is headed.

If you don’t take the time to truly self reflect and ask yourself the difficult questions, you are likely to spend countless years navigating an unhappy marriage that may set you up for failure as time progresses.

Categories: Relationships

Bad Relationships Change Good People

There’s something to be said about solitude – it makes you reflect on your past. It also helps you self reflect within. While solitude can be challenging for some, it’s almost essential for self growth.

It can also be a much needed essential for self preservation, too.

Twenty years later, as I look back on my own life, turn of events, faces, and experiences, there are so many things I would have done different. There were so many red flags that I should have paid greater attention to.

But I didn’t. Sadly enough, I didn’t know they were red flags at the time, though I definitely had my doubts along the way. I also had periods of time where I questioned why I was where I was… but then, life. Life happens – you get busy with kids, extracurricular activities, appointments, and household maintenance. Mix in work obligations, and appearances (to a certain extent) and it’s easy to see how one person can allow one toxic situation to turn into a 19 year relationship with someone who has become a stranger.

A manipulative, abusive stranger.

I know I am not alone in my experiences. There are men, and women out there galore who have somewhat of the same experiences that have transpired over time. There are so many reasons people don’t tune in to red flags earlier. Perhaps they feel an obligation to their marital commitment due to religious reasons. Or.. they are too deep into their marriage to even contemplate changing anything…

Perhaps they fear they won’t find someone else. Some people are comfortable with toxic relationships because they were raised in a substandard family where toxicity was the norm. Change is hard. It is also very scary. But without change, we cannot and do not grow into our true selves.

Twenty years of manipulative, toxic abuse has led me to journal the years, struggles, frustrations, highs, lows and more – in hopes that just one person will gain inspiration in their own life.

While I can’t say that I enjoyed 20 years of manipulation, it has opened my eyes to help me understand what I don’t want in my next life partner. It has helped me learn so much more about myself and my abilities than I could have ever anticipated.

Categories: Divorce

Why Do Victims of Narcissists Allow the Abuse?

Two years post divorce from a marriage that spanned 18 years to a covert narcissist, I am often times asked many questions:

“If the abuse was so bad, why did you stay for so long?”
“Why did you have kids with your partner?”
“Why did you allow the abuse to happen? Why did you stay? Why didn’t you leave sooner?”

All of those questions are akin to people asking a woman in an abusive relationship why she continued to stay in a situation where domestic violence was not only prevalent, but also continuing. It’s very much akin to asking a child/teenager why they continue to stay silent in lieu of telling a family member, clergy official, teacher or other friend about the abuse at home.

Many times, those being abused won’t realize they are indeed experiencing abuse – in the case of adults (women, or even men in some cases), they may have grown up in a family that was emotionally/physically abusive, so that is all that they are familiar with.

For other women, they may not have the means to leave the relationship because they are tied financially. From the early stages of the relationship, the abuse can be so subtle – in many cases involving women, the man may encourage her to leave her job, have kids, or even give up her career to raise a family. Once that endeavor is in stone, the man moves on to control other areas of her life, preventing her from stepping away from the family. Perhaps he will begin to alienate her from friends and family, restrict her movement (vehicle wise), or threaten her with financial constraints.

In my case, there were many reasons:

When I first got married, I wanted children. I did not know, at the time, that he had narcissistic tendencies. His disorder was progressive. Looking back, his behavior was off kilter, but having grown up in an abusive family with a mother and father who did not display a healthy marriage dynamic, I did not know what a healthy marriage was. When I had gotten married, he had (within the first year) already had an affair. I thought that he would eventually “grow up”. I wanted children, and I knew I would be a capable mother who was strong, intelligent, and emotionally connected to my children. The affair followed by unemployment and dependence on me – who worked full time while pursuing school. I was gone – working from 6 a.m. to almost 7 p.m., and then attending night school until 10 p.m. I had no time to even think about what was (or wasn’t) going on at home because I was too busy trying to make a living.

I endured the abuse for 17 more years because I continued (rather – expected) that he would grow up. Instead, his behavior got worse as he got older. In 2007, one year after my first child, I discovered that I was pregnant with our 2nd child – not by choice. Marital rape had led me to being five months along without having any knowledge that I was expecting. I started looking for places to go, with every intention of leaving. Until he told me that he would take full custody of both children because I did not make enough to support the children. He had the money to pay for a lawyer, I did not.

Fast forward, two years later to 2009; he was gone for 3 years overseas. Without consulting me as his wife, he enlisted back into the military and left. I was now raising two children, without a full time job, without any job at all, and without access to ANY of the bank accounts. He had cut off our joint marital checking and left me behind without any way to pay for anything at home. I started working at home as that is all I could do – back in 2009. I managed to work hard enough to really make a great living, even with the responsibilities of being a single parent (for a long time).

The enlistment led to a series of affairs, which continued once he returned. Even at the beginning of our marriage, we were not physically intimate. Never at any time were we friends, best friends, intimate partners – he was cold, manipulative, condescending and controlling from the very beginning. What should have been red flags for me were things I made excuses for – after all, I never once saw my parents physically intimate (kissing, hugging or other) when I was a child. Likewise was our relationship. I can’t remember a single instance where we had an ounce of love shown – whether words, or deeds or actions or physical displays of affection. They were non-existent.

By early 2012, I discovered that he had been involved in an affair with a work colleague – he left the computer open and signed into his email. Her email to him recounted every detail of the escapade, complete with an admission that she was pregnant but she was going to proceed with an abortion so that her husband did not find out. He resigned from his job, and made absolutely no apologies for his actions. I was angry – angry that I had allowed his infidelity to continue. Less than one year later, a Sheriff knocked on my door just days after I had given birth to our 4th, and told me that my ex husband had been in an affair with his wife.

This was the same woman he had been involved in an affair with the year prior.

Once again, she had followed him to his transferred place of employment so she could work with him. They ate lunch on a daily basis, and went out to the bar together after work. Since I was home caring for kids, I had no idea this was going on. I was furious, that this had gone on 3 times and I was still there, in a loveless marriage. All I had was my children, and I was grateful I could still be a mother to them. I told him I was going to file for divorce, it was 2013. He stated that he would “take me to the cleaners and take my business from me as well” — because I didn’t make nearly what he did, he would “drain me financially so that I would come crawling back to him, because I cannot make it on my own.”

I spent the next 7 years packing away money in my business account (which was only in my name) – it was the ONLY avenue I had to hide money without his knowledge. Between 2013, and 2019, he had over a half dozen more affairs. I was busy caring for kids at home, shuttling them to appointments, homeschooling them on a daily, all while working and trying to put money aside to hopefully leave and be able to support myself and the children.

He never thought I would leave.

He did not have a relationship with the children. He did not know what grade they were in, he forgot their birthday, he (in many occasions), forgot to pick them up from practice, for hours at a time. On one occasion, left one child on the roof of the house and left the home (only for me to find my child on the roof when I returned home). He continued his affairs, and enhanced his affairs with an addition to porn – because I refused to sleep with him because he disgusted me. We slept in separate beds. We did not communicate to eachother. In many ways, it was like living with a complete stranger in my home. My kids and I continued to live our lives, do road trips and visit the zoo, but their father did not participate. As the mother, I was not only the “mom” but the housekeeper, cook, chauffeur, auto mechanic, yard worker, maintenance worker… the list went on.

The love I should have gotten in my marriage I received from my kids. Albeit, it is far from being the same type of love.

During the 18 years of marriage, I became an emotional wreck. He actively destroyed my professional career. With that, eroded myself confidence as a human being. I was self critical, doubted my abilities, and lost confidence in myself.

I was angry because for years, I was never anyone’s first pick. Therefore had convinced myself that everyone else was prettier, funnier, smarter… more interesting – my health suffered. I couldn’t sleep at night. Several years later, my sleep has not normalized, and I’m still continuously tense from thinking I will never be enough – for my kids, for others, not even for myself.

I recognized that neither my ex-husband, nor my parents, and even my brothers/sister, have treated me fairly and decently. I was a professional scapegoat and punching bag. I survived that long because I was somewhat intelligent. I worked hard, was determined and I was blessed with a strong constitution. Despite the abuse, I tried to remain in the marriage, as toxic as it was, because I didn’t want to be labeled as someone who gives up easily. I gave up what “I” wanted in life (a loving, caring partner I could call my best friend, and someone I could share an intimate relationship with), to satisfy what I thought was the right thing: to make it work, regardless of our own selfish desires. I believed that putting my needs first was not what God wanted, so I continued to stay.

Little did I know that staying in a toxic relationship with an absence of respect and love would have an adverse and traumatizing effect on my children.

That said – I tolerated that abuse for a long time because I did not realize I was being abused. Only now do I understand that the way I have been treated all my life has been abusive. Prior to that, I did not know anything different. That’s why I have tolerated so much abuse in my lifetime.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is a very lonely endeavor. I went through the darkest night of my life seemingly all on my own. I tried to explain myself, and even went to a therapist for help, but nobody understood me. Finally, I dropped everything I had built for myself and ran for my life. I knew that the only chance to get out and get better was to file for divorce, delete and block anyone connected to “us”, and make myself disappear.

I spent the next two years (and continued time) in hiding. I had cut off contact and blocked/deleted all of my previous friends, even family members.

I barely left the house, only for time to myself (hike, post office, groceries). I worked hard to rebuild myself – after all, narcissistic abuse consists of calculated manipulation, the erosion of identity and systematic brainwashing resulting in Complex PTSD. I spent a lot of time immersing myself in learning about the those who suffer from abuse, tactics behind abusers, and how to heal from the abuse. I did a lot of reading, and journaling. I held daily scripture studies myself, morning and evening. I hiked daily, by myself, to spend time early in the morning meditating and praying for guidance from God. I tried to figure out how I could have allowed myself to be taken advantage of – but it became very clear.

I have a huge heart. I can’t envision how anyone could manipulate in such a way because it’s not something I would ever be capable of doing.

Thankfully, as much as I endured, I never lost who I was as a person. I never lost the ability to love wholeheartedly. I never lost my outlook on life. I also never lost my drive and motivation, even during the darkest and most disparaging times of my recovery, I never gave up hope that I could make it and provide for my kids even if it meant putting my trust in God, that he would take care of me. In the end, I would rather be lonely than be with someone who doesn’t complement me as a person.

I may not be where I want to be financially. But what I can say is that after losing everything financially, I do have a wonderful relationship with my children that is unlike anything else in the world. My children have no relationship with their father – they are ordered visitation with their Dad, but the result is damaging. Two of my children are on psychiatric medication for deep depression, ADHD and anxiety. One of those children is on medication for insomnia – she can’t comprehend why a parent (or, how a parent) can “be” a parent when they are incapable of “parenting”.

All 5 are in counseling weekly between two therapists. They understand and can explain narcissism well for children of their age. They struggle with his absence of love; they are aware that his love is “conditional”. They refuse to get out of the car at exchange… they lack respect for their father simply because he cannot love them in the way that parents should love their children.

He uses fear and intimidation to scare them into loyalty. But they have so much knowledge that they are fighting back. Even my smallest, youngest child understands the manipulation that is involved. Their Father does not speak to the 3 oldest children simply because they can’t be manipulated – so he (and his family) now ignore them. Which fuels their disdain and unwillingness to visit when his parenting time occurs. He could have worked hard to establish a relationship with them during the divorce to show them how much they mean to him, but instead, he spent his time at the bar, on porn, or on video games, which is why he isn’t able to tell anyone their actual age, or grade level.

It has been almost 2 years since the divorce was finalized and I am actively working on strengthening my relationship with my children. I am working hard to be able to provide for them completely – not just in homeschool costs, but also in medical, dental and every day expenses. So far, I have been blessed and everything has pulled through for me. But my biggest goal and wish, is relocating out of state so that they can start fresh in an area where they can learn that they can be loved in a healthy way, and they truly are special children that deserve a healthy, vibrant relationship with parental influences that enjoy their presence and want the best for them.