emotional abuse

First and Only Choice

I don’t think I’ve ever felt like someone’s first choice – whether it be for friendships or romantic relationships. I have always ended up in situations where I was the doer, organizer, the one with the ideas, the planner, the one who organized trips… took action – and somehow, even with all of that, I always ended up being taken for granted, and not valued by others.

Looking back to 18 years of toxic marriage… I obviously wasn’t his first choice.

Had I have been his, he would never have had the sheer number of affairs he did. Somehow, I stayed there, continued to be beat over, and over and over again, and then destroyed after 18 years when I realized – I am being used.

I have a tendency to make myself available for people at the drop of a hat – after all, I love to spend time making people happy (even if it is at the expense of myself).

In a way, I feel like I’m a placeholder… until someone else comes along. Or, I feel like I’m just second rate, and that I literally have to beg people to spend time with me.

So why do some people feel like they are not a priority in anyone’s life?

Because you are not a priority in yours.
You are always available – they know that you will always be there when they need you.
They are NOT proud to have you.
You don’t possess anything they can flaunt in front of others.
You prioritize people that don’t give a damn about you.
You allow yourself to remain an option in their lives.
You value people who don’t value you.
You care too much – too much to the extent that others feel comfortable exploiting you.
You are yet to meet someone worth keeping.
You don’t know how to walk away from people that use you.

How do you deal with that?

At some point you have to come to terms with the fact that you will never be the first round draft pick.

Perhaps they are not meant to be in your life. People come and go, but the right people will stay and appreciate you if they are meant to. The people who come and go are there to offer you lessons so that you can grow into who you really are, and that is when the RIGHT people will find you.

In the meantime, work on yourself so that when you do find the right people, you will know your worth and that you deserve them.

Remember: you are your own best cheerleader. You are unique. There is no one else like you – which is why it is important to celebrate YOU on a regular basis.

Categories: Divorce

Can’t Let Go

When you can’t let go, ask God to do it for you.

I read just a few days ago that women will leave mentally before they leave physically.

“………women will leave mentally before they leave physically.”

I checked out of my marriage mentally in early 2006. I couldn’t physically leave (as much as I wanted to), because I feared I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own with a newborn. So I stayed – but things were so far removed for such a long period of time that mentally, I knew that nothing could be fixed (nor did I want to at that point). The same hopeless feelings and the same resentments continued to surface which led me to give up on him.

Looking back, there wasn’t any love in the beginning either (which propelled that mental detachment even more).

I’m often times asked, the same questions repeatedly from”why did you stay for so long if he was so manipulative?”… and “why did you have kids if he was that bad?”

That’s akin to asking an abuse survivor why they tolerated the abuse – after all, just leave, right?

As many who have been in my place can testify, it’s scary to walk away from a relationship for many reasons – mine was the fear of being left to care for 5 kids alone, in a high cost of living area, on one income, when you’ve become comfortable. Not entirely “comfortable” as in happy with the person (because I wasn’t, at all!), but comfortable with the toxic living situation – comfortable with having someone there – even though it was the wrong person. Even though that person was not what I envisioned as a life partner, spouse, or someone I truly wanted to spend time with.

Ultimately, God is faithful. If He asks you to do something, he will be right there with you, equipping you with he strength and peace you need even when you don’t think you have the strength to let go.

Plus – he is the most patient being you will ever meet.

God gives us the free choice to choose – and He will only come into your situation if you allow him to. When you learn to loosen your grip and need for control when it comes to your relationships, and focus on His love for you, his peace and grace and love with surround you especially when you need it the most.

Eventually, I conjured the courage to file for divorce and let go of the 18 year build of suffocating frustration. I trusted the Lord to restore to me someone who would be fit for me – in His time. I gave my broken heart and struggles to the Lord, and decided to trust Him to heal and restore me. When all else fails, His Word is your power.

His heart is for you – never against you.

If there is a decision that he places on your heart, and you are unsure of the direction in which to take, talk to Him about it. Ask him to show you what to do.

Choose to trust in Him.

When you do, things will not just change, but they will change for the better. Everything will turn out beautiful in it’s God-centered season. There may be detours along the way, and consequences we have to pay for our actions, but there’s nothing you can do to change the direction that God has for you.

God is merciful in sending people our way. Throughout your journey, you may have someone (or two) that travels with you to remind you about God’s word, provide you wise counsel and support, even on the days that are foggy. You never know who God has in mind to be the vessel that gives you the answers and support you need.

When it comes to the matters and affairs of the heart, God wants you to live your life with someone who can stand in faith, even during the times that it matters the most.

Categories: Relationships

The Right Person

The right person will know how to hold your love. The right person will choose you as deeply as you chose them.

The right person will never make you feel like you are too much.

The right person will not make you fight for respect, attention, or the love you deserve.

One day, you will be someone’s favorite.

You will not fight for someone only to feel like they aren’t fighting for you.

No matter how hard you hang onto the wrong people, one day you will realize that the right people would find you. And when they did, they would stay.

It takes more than love to make a relationship work — you also need trust, respect, admiration, inspiration. Sometimes that ‘love’ you have will be too heavy to hold – the potential and the lessons of that love will reach a point that there is nowhere else to place your hope.

When that happens, don’t consider it a failure.

Consider it an opportunity to celebrate – you cared for someone in the deepest way. And during that time, you continued to show that person just how boldly and unequivocally you can love. And at the end of the day, when that love got too heavy to hold and you released your grip, you had faith that something else much better was in store for your heart.

Categories: Divorce

Happiness After Chaos

I don’t know if or how often other people do this, but after spending 18 [naive] years in a toxic relationship, I had a challenging time accepting that I had no business being where I was, for so long.

There is a misconception after leaving a toxic relationship/partner, that happiness will immediately follow. Leaving my relationship was perhaps the best decision I could have ever made, but the road that followed was laid with large boulders, small boulders, quick sand, indecisiveness and a lot of emotions.

Everyone is different when it comes to healing after toxicity. Although from the outside, it may appear that someone is hanging in there or doing okay, it could (and likely is) very much the opposite. Social media plays a relatively negative role in that aspect – it may capture the outside, but it will never, I repeat, never capture how people truly feel on the inside.

When I was in my early 20’s, I got married to a very manipulative, toxic man. I knew something was off – but being so young and having wed so early, I was in denial. I told myself I was fine and that him being “him” wasn’t changing me.

The reality is that every part of my life was affected by this man. Over the years, I lost self confidence. My work performance suffered because every attempt at getting better professionally came to a halt. I had difficulty sleeping at night due to constant stress and anxiety (which follows me now, 15+ years later). My friendships also suffered until eventually, I slowly cut/removed friends and also family out of my life due to his requests.

Eventually, that compounded on my health. I had a tumor in my ovaries after my first child that required surgical removal and an 8 week bed rest. However, because I was the primary parent and “caretaker” of all that happened at home, that tumor removal went on hold. And now, 15 years later, that tumor is still there, and growing and now that I don’t have insurance or the ability to ‘stop’ being a single parent, surgery likely won’t happen.

An avid runner, I kept myself fit with marathons and half marathons when I could, followed by 5 and 10K road races, taking my small children in jogger strollers instead of not being able to go. But eventually he complained about the running and so that stopped too – and the pounds started to pile on until I was 35+ pounds heavier than I was prior to kid.

When I look back now, years later, I was horrified that I ever tolerated such an unhealthy and toxic relationship.

There was not a single beneficial element that my ex contributed to my life. It took a long, long time, but with the experience in my past, I can now recognize how much I downplayed the severity of his toxic actions.

What were the signs that I was in a toxic relationship?

We tolerate toxicity for a variety of reasons but mainly because we may not be self aware enough to realize what’s going on, perhaps we have low self esteem, or lastly, we don’t have a good grip on our own emotions – which creates wiggle room for a potentially abusive relationship.

And abuse isn’t just physical.

Abuse can be emotional or psychological.

So what are some of the signs of a toxic relationship?

When I look back to my marriage, all six of these stick out like red flags.

The scorecard – when the relationship ends up in a battle of “who screwed up the most” so “who is indebted to the other”. That deflects the current issue by focusing on previous wrongs, while using guilt to manipulate your partner to feel bad in the present moment.
Passive Aggressive – instead of saying what’s bothering you out loud, instead you dropping hints … it’s a small and petty way to make your partner upset, which in turn allows you to complain.
Holding someone hostage – using blackmail or criticism to threaten the commitment of the other person… which in turn creates unnecessary drama.
Blaming the other person for your feelings – blaming someone else for your emotions creates resentment. Nobody’s life should revolve around a partner’s well being, as it will create resentment.
Buying off the relationship – you can’t cover up real martial issues with superficial pleasures (trips, stuff, material items). My parents were amazing at doing this – – Deal with the issues together on an honest level through discussion, time spent together, etc. But avoid throwing an ATM card at the problems (as in a trip, cruise, fancy dinner) as that doesn’t give either party the incentive to be accountable for their actions.
Controlling jealousy – rather than just loving normally, controlling jealousy shows a lack of trust between partners. It also creates drama that’s unnecessary, while being demeaning to the parties involved. You can’t love someone who controls and manipulates.

So how do you experience growth after a toxic relationship? Is it even possible?

The answer is yes – it is possible. You will be able to reflect clearly on how unhealthy the person was for you. The beginning will not be easy by any means. There will be days, weeks and even years after that you will experience different struggles. But eventually, there will be a shift – you will reach a point that you will realize the journey was all worth it.

You will be able to list the qualities you would like to find in a future partner. In addition, you will be able to reflect on how to better protect yourself from future manipulation.

Most importantly, give yourself time to heal, let go, and forgive. Forgiving someone toxic doesn’t mean you condone or accept their behavior. If you are or were in a relationship with a narcissist, the best thing you can do is go no-contact. While that’s challenging with children, it definitely is possible (I’m living proof!)

Categories: Divorce

A Fear of Change

Sometimes it’s hard to make a change, even when you know you really need to (and, even when you know that you’d feel much better if you did).

As humans, we gravitate towards what we know; We stay in our comfort zones, even when we are unhappy.

Or, even when they become uncomfortable.

Sometimes we even stay in our comfort zones even if we were never all too comfortable in the first place. Our body may be giving us signals – inability to focus, inner turmoil, destructive sleep patterns, and more.

Think of it like this: you’re curled up on a cozy sofa with a hot cup of coffee and a really good book (or, perhaps your computer). You’ve got a nice, fluffy blanket keeping you warm, and you’re getting ready to put some good mileage in your book.

But there’s a small problem: your coffee is cold, you are dying to go to the bathroom and you can’t find the channel changer – and you don’t want to get up.

Being comfortable with a blanket, a book and coffee, but not being willing to get up, use the restroom and find the controller is comparative to being in an unhappy marriage. There are many couples that seem absolutely miserable – yet they stay together. They may be in a loveless, sexless marriage, or they may complain/fight constantly or they are filled with deep resentment. Not satisfied with their life (or relationship), they are too comfortable to make a move to change anything.

The question to ask is – why do people stay in relationships in which they are not happy, fulfilled, or loved? The answer comes down to comfort. As humans, we tend to stick with what is comfortable (no matter how miserable we are) – that, and we are deeply scared of change.

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”

It’s very easy to ‘like’ these quotes we see on social media that suggest that we shake off fear and ward off comfortability in favor our pursuits. But when it comes to action, we tend to hesitate.

My ex husband had an affair the first year we were married. I should have left then (or at least taken that as a signal…) but I remained. One affair turned into two, which turned into half a dozen… I emotionally disconnected even before our first child was born. I was, at that time, already financially intertwined with someone I knew I didn’t want to stay with. It was at that time, that I looked back and asked myself how I had gotten that far …

we had nothing in common
he was continually putting me down, shaming me and showing blatant disrespect..
I did not enjoy being around this person
he did not encourage, inspire, or support the way a life partner should
he was arrogant, condescending and continually angry

But I remained – out of comfort. Fear that I could not make it on my own as a single mother, fear that I could not provide for myself, and fear that I would grow old, alone, without someone to share my time with. Obviously I did not want to grow with him, but the stigma of being alone was daunting.

So I remained.

As the years passed, his affairs became more frequent, longer-lasting… some of them lasted for years. I remained, once again, out of comfort. But looking back at the entirety lead me to ask ..

“Why do men remain in marriages where they are clearly not happy?”

More times than not, women remain in unhappy marriages because they are financially bound. In the case of my situation, looking back, it was easy to see why he remained in the marriage despite being unhappy:

he knew that he could get away with another affair, whether emotional or physical
the thought of dividing the finances and paying child support was not something that excited him
he was worried about what people (friends and family) would say..
at the age of 41, he was fearful that he wouldn’t find someone else that he could go and manipulate to his advantage
he had a wife at home that was an over-giver – she cleaned, she cooked, she chauffeured, she took care of the yard and automobiles.. why would he leave? He had it made, in a sense.
Lastly – he was comfortable. He may not have been happy but he had the luxury of fulfilling his needs with women outside of the marriage yet had a slave at home to do everything he didn’t want to do.

How do we step outside of our comfort zones?

I think we need to be honest with ourselves. I spent a long time telling myself and those around me that I was fine. But deep down, I knew that I was extremely lonely, emotionally detached, and unhappy where I was. Very very unhappy.

It was then that I realized that I’d rather be alone than be with the wrong person.

Leaving any relationship is scary. We live in a fear-based culture, where we don’t have the language to attach to what we fee. So we do things that allow fear to manifest in our lives – drinking is fear, drugs are fear, substances are fear, anxiety is fear and jealousy is also fear. One can also allow that fear to manifest by overworking – which is how I dealt with my fear.

We need to look honestly at where we are in our lives and ask if we are in a relationship that’s a miserable-comfortable or a happy-comfortable. If it is a miserable comfortable, then that’s a sign that something has to change. I knew, desperately, that something had to change.

I knew that he was unwilling to step out of that comfort zone and initiate the divorce, so I did. With that step, came a long period of discomfort, fear, uncertainty, and frustration.

As uncomfortable and scary as that step was, it allowed me to discover more about myself, what I expect from a partner, and propelled my relationship with my kids into something far greater and deeper than ever before.