depression – Page 3

All Narcissists Cheat

Cheating is a choice.

Cheating on your partner, regardless of the complexities of the relationship, is disrespect. Disrespecting and deliberately hurting your partner over, and over, and over again is not love.

It’s toxicity.

Infidelity in a relationship is commonly seen with people with narcissistic personality traits. Perhaps that narcissist has been or is in a long-term relationship with their partner. But.. they cheat on that partner, regardless of being caught.

Why does a narcissist cheat so much?

People with narcissistic traits lack empathy – they lack the ability to understand and relate to another person’s emotional experiences. When someone lacks empathy, they cannot put themselves in the shoes of another person to see things from another person’s perspective.

In short, they don’t consider how their actions affect the person they are cheating on.

They are incapable of empathy.

They live in the moment. They are focused on their own needs.

They also have low self esteem. They may present themselves as competent, knowledgeable, capable humans, but in reality, it’s an act to mask the fact that they truly feel incompetent. They can’t validate their own self worth, and they are incapable of loving themselves, so they seek out their value from others.

Through their various forms of supply (other women or men), they are reassured that they are special, or important, capable, and respected. When their marital partner is not providing this reassurance to them, they will indeed seek it out elsewhere, without a second thought for the person that they are married to.

Cheating on their partner is also a form of control. They may not ever reveal to the spouse that they are having an affair – in fact, the spouse may find out on their own. In that case, the narcissist will gaslight the spouse into denying the affair(s), and skewing reality – they will blame the spouse for their affair to make the spouse question their own reality.

Why do people stay after being disrespected by a cheating spouse?

Perhaps because, like a stray cat, he or she is given the option and it’s somewhere to go. Why does the partner tolerate the cheater’s behavior and maltreatment? They remain because they have low self esteem, are likely codependent, and lastly – they do not want to be alone.

They are comfortable.

I was comfortable where I was, and I was quite fearful that I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own. I was also very trusting and thought he would never do it again.

But he did. Multiple times. Giving him a pass once led to him making the assumption that he could continue to do it again, and again and again.

Why didn’t he leave if he was unhappy?

The arrangement of remaining together offered him them comfort and security. The longer it goes on, there’s no sense in separating what both are used to. Both partners have given up and are setting for average.

I had given up – I was emotionally detached.

He had given up too – obviously after half a dozen affairs it was safe to say that respect for me went out the window at the get go. What he did have though was a housekeeper, chef, child cafe provider, maid, and security of knowing that no matter how late he was out, or what he had planned for a weekend, I would always be there to reliably care for our children.

And that is all he cared about.

His lack of parenting led me to realize that if I was going to raise kids alone, and be alone, that I truly needed to BE alone. I’d rather be single and raise 5 kids than have to be married to a selfish, arrogant, disrespectful male than attempt to show the world (from the outside looking in) that we were actually a husband and wife.

Because we weren’t.

You see, women like to believe that their husband/man won’t cheat on them because they are so special. But here is a reality check:

That is definitely NOT true.

Men cheat on great women every day. You can’t cook, clean, beg, plead, sex and spoil a man into being faithful. If your man cheats, it is because of what type of man he is rather than what type of woman you are.

Being miserable or unhappy is not an excuse to make someone cheat. They chose to cheat.

Narcissists who cheat can and will blame anything for a reason to cheat:

If you would have been a better spouse, I wouldn’t have had to seek pleasure elsewhere
If you would have done what I needed for me I wouldn’t have had to cheat…
You are the reason I did it.

When someone cheats on you, you must remember that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. The decision to cheat was made by the cheater.

Leaving a relationship is hard. But getting out of a relationship with a narcissist who cheat is important because their behavior is unlikely to change. It’s important to put yourself first. Your partner lacks the respect required to be in a serious, committed relationship – and that’s unlikely to change.

Categories: Twin Flame

Runners Run

Why do runners “run” from those that love them the most?

Getting hurt by someone they love, strips them of everything they believed.

And everything they want others to believe about them.

“Runners” in a twin flame relationship appear to have it all together. They are stunningly intelligent, but behind that intellect they are broken – they wear a mask and they wear that mask so well. They are constantly, constantly hiding from their past, and their childhood traumas. It’s easier for them to pretend that their life is all good when in reality they have a huge insecurity and they are living in constant fear.

They manage to do a great job of covering it up from others looking in from the outside. They are afraid of getting hurt because at some point, they will. The love is so immense, it’s almost too much for them to handle.

In short… many of them are worried about what others will think of them, so they sacrifice their happiness. They are not using their heart to understand the connection they have with the chaser – they are using logic to reject that such a great love IS possible. They don’t believe they are worthy to be loved this much – so they run. They block. They ghost. They don’t respond. They know that with you, the chaser, that vulnerability comes easier than breathing.

But they can’t imagine life without you.

Most people are satisfied to have a warm body to sleep next to at night. They aren’t interested in more than that. They are sleepwalking through life. Runners return to their life of comfort – their life may not be ideal, it may be lacking in emotional vibrancy, but it’s comfortable.

It’s simple.

It’s easy.

They have developed a life a comfort. They don’t want to tilt the wheel. They might not be happy but they don’t want to upset the family dynamic. They are afraid of what people will say. They don’t want to start over. They don’t want to affect the lives of their kids (though I will say that it’s just as damaging to stay in a toxic marriage as it is to start over..) In short, their materialistic life is too important to them for them to disrupt what they have going.

So they run from real love.

Comfort, simplicity and ease doesn’t come with the one you desperately love the most – in fact, everything about being with that person you so desperately crave (your twin flame) seems like a challenge. It requires getting out of your comfort zone. It requires a shift in all the things you have known and experienced about love thus far in your life – the societal norms.

Sometimes, your human self is afraid of BIG things. SO much in fact that you would prefer the security blanket of mediocrity.

Some people aren’t meant for mediocrity. They are meant to have an incredible purpose. Our spirits will not let us off the hook. Our ego wants what’s safe… what’s comfortable, but we know, deep down, that our soul craves for more.

Instead, or soul calls us up. No matter what the challenges, the trials, the tribulations – we are given heavy things because we ARE meant to be that powerful.

Categories: Relationships

Dear Me: I’m Sorry

It wasn’t until just recently that I realized the sheer amount and brokenness and pain I have experienced in my life.

As a mother, we try to raise kids, earn a living, and take care of those important in our lives and often times wish we had more energy, more sleep and the ability to get more accomplished.

As a partner, we always wonder if we are doing enough. Perhaps not everyone has the same worries, but I know I always worried that I wasn’t doing enough. That somehow, somewhere, I would fail in my futile attempts at caring for those in my life around me.

If you are someone that loves to serve and give to others, and often times finds it challenging to serve yourself, you can get tangled in situations that have you feeling confusion, guilt, and dissatisfaction. Not just dissatisfaction with those around you that you spend time on, but dissatisfaction with yourself – for allowing yourself to get intertwined in situations or relationships that drain your energy and amplify your unresolved hurts.

And when that happens, it’s important to practice self forgiveness. Offer yourself the same compassion and support you would offer to someone you love unconditionally.

You can do this by writing an apology/self forgiveness letter to yourself

Dear Me: I am sorry.

I’m sorry, that you tried, so very hard, to fix others, when your own hands were trembling. I’m sorry, that I didn’t give you ample time to heal. I’m sorry that I allowed you to seal the wounds of others around you while the wounds in your own life were bleeding. I am sorry that there were days when being happy and smiling hurt, but you forced yourself to laugh and smile so that nobody knew how much pain you were struggling with inside. I am sorry that you gave all of your time and effort to people that didn’t give you the same time and effort back. I am sorry that there were days that you cried in the shower, or nights that you cried yourself to sleep, and no-one bothered to understand why or even bother to ask. I’m so sorry that you consistently tried to be there for everyone else in time of need but when you needed someone the most, nobody was there for you. I am so sorry that I did not love you, like you deserved to be loved.

I am sorry for allowing you to give away parts of yourself to people who hurt you, created toxicity in your life, or failed to reciprocate the love you showed to them.

I am sorry for not allowing you to have the time to you need to take care of you. I am sorry I kept you so busy that you neglected your needs to put the needs of others above your own.

I am sorry for not loving you the way I love others.

With deep love, and gratitude,

Over time, you may realize how hard you were on yourself, and how many times you took on blame that wasn’t yours. Apologizing so much and having impossible expectations on everything you do, say and feel will not help you on your path to healing.

Start with writing an apology and forgiveness letter to yourself; not only will this help to energize you, it will hopefully serve as a healing practice to help transform your mind to be more positive and more powerful.

Categories: Divorce

Staying is Harder

If anyone would have asked me what the hardest thing was when I got divorced, I would have said that it was worry about my children.

But.. there are so many other really hard things. Every divorce is unique – every single one is also difficult, scary, painful, and gut-wrenching. Even if you are the one who initiated the divorce, and even if you know that it is imperative that you need to divorce, the process is still challenging.

Sometimes, mediation and collaboration are possible, which can make the process a little bit more respectful. But even if you can do those things, divorce still isn’t easy.

If you ask the average person who has or is getting divorced what the hardest thing was for them, they’ll give you a garden variety of answers. Every person has their own challenges, but for the most part, the following areas contribute to making divorce a really difficult experience.

Making the Decision

The most difficult part of any divorce is making the decision. You may know that where you are is not where you want to be. And you may also know that the marriage is not repairable – but making that decision is very, very difficult.

Even if you are in a toxic relationship, you or family members may claim that it’s a violation of values. Sometimes, you may feel so hopeless because you know you don’t want to stay, but deep down, divorce isn’t something you want to do to your children. There are also outside family members and friends that may say it’s better to stay simply for the best interests of the children – I completely disagree with that route.

Allowing your children to experience marriage between two people who are not truly vested in eachother is just as harmful as leaving the marriage and dealing with the after effects. By leaving, especially in a toxic relationship, you are showing them that you have self love – and that staying in a toxic relationship should not ever be an option.

Worrying About Your Children

One of my biggest fears was telling my children that divorce was eminent. Thankfully, they were quite aware of the situation and they adapted quickly. For several months, and years after, I worried about the effects that it would cause on the children – I missed them when they weren’t with me, and I worried about them leaving.

Thankfully, this can be a great opportunity for you to spend extra time with them and enhance your parent/child relationship. My kids drew much closer to me following my divorce and have learned some valuable life lessons that they will carry on to their future relationships.

Feeling Like You Will Never Recover Financially

Divorce can be challenging for those who have been relatively smart with money. In fact, it often seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel — having to split everything you have worked so hard for (including your own businesses) is very challenging. Moving in a high-cost of living area is even more grueling, and realizing that you may have to earn more or even find a new job.

Money is a huge stressor to many people and is perhaps one of the biggest reasons people remain in unhappy marriages – they may not be happy, and the marriage may very well be toxic, but they are comfortable living in a toxic relationship because it is safe.

And predicable.

Hesitating to Trust People

While financial stresses may prevail as the most challenging to people in a divorce, your emotional health ranks right up at the top. You might worry that you will never recover emotionally.

You feel lost, without a compass.

You have lost your sense of purpose as a person, as a parent, even as a friend.

If you left a marriage that involved infidelity (as in my case), you will spend a lot of time wondering why you were not their first choice. You will be overwhelmed with grief, and you will feel betrayed. Even though the love in my marriage was never there to start with, I still felt angry that someone did not feel one ounce of remorse for his actions.

I found myself crying every day … and asking myself ‘why’ –
Why…. can’t I find an honest, forthright person who loves like I love?
Why can’t I be someone’s first choice?
Why am I not doing enough to prevent someone from having multiple affairs?
Why am I not interesting enough to hang around?
Why am I continually ignored? Why am I always passed over for someone else?

In my case, I was great at running a household, I was physically fit, I felt like I was very patient, adventurous, hard working and compassionate – yet I was passed over for others who fumbled their way around the kitchen or who couldn’t handle kids.

I had a hard time understanding how people could be so manipulative and destructive. It was a very big eye opener and one that led me to distance myself from everyone and almost become a recluse in my own life. I cut out 99.9% of people that I once knew simply because I felt like their presence was toxic in my life and their lack of understanding wasn’t helping me grow.

Over Time…

Over time, life gets better. You will come to realize that the hardest part was making the decision. The other things that followed were simply challenges and trials that have helped you grow as a person.

Eventually, you will feel in ways you haven’t felt before. You won’t feel so suffocated, you will create new traditions with your children, and you will find things that make you happy and full of life again.

What Hurts More than Divorce?

Jealousy, resentment, control, gaslighting & abuse (physical, mental & financial) are far more damaging than divorce. & may take a lifetime to heal.

In some instances it’s best to move on & heal than to recover a shipwreck. If two people aren’t committed to real work there is no guarantee that love & work will still save a marriage.

Categories: Relationships

Drama and Chaos

Sometimes, we all need to talk to someone without feeling like the words that come out of our mouth won’t be turned and reshaped into weapons that will hurt us later.

When you’re married, you should be able to open up and trust the very person you made a life commitment with.

And many people can do that. But not everyone… because I couldn’t do that, and I know countless others are likely in the same situation.

In the early stages, we may go from sharing too much to eventually clamming up when our spouse is around because we learn that it’s not safe to open ourselves up and talk.

If you are married someone with narcissistic patterns of behavior who cannot show any type of empathy, words spoken can be later used to vilify you later on in the relationship. As a result, you clam up and internalize your emotions and feelings, driving a larger wedge between you and your partner.

So you learn to shut up for self preservation – but that is not healthy.

You need to share and talk about good things and bad, get things out – be heard. And that progresses and builds for several years, further developing resentment towards your spouse. You feel unseen, unheard, and unloved. But you stay – because at this point, you have kids, shared finances, baggage…and you are so battered emotionally that you can’t envision living in anything other than the suffocating situation that you are in.

By year six or seven, you are so battered emotionally that you are afraid to say what you truly want. You disregard your feelings and the importance of your emotions which in turn gives your partner a sense of greater importance. It’s too late now to say what you want – after all, your words will be used against you so why even bother explaining yourself.

Narcissists can make you feel lonely

People with narcissistic patterns of behavior are emotionally vacant – they do not have an adult understanding of sharing, loving, giving. They are self-absorbed manipulators.

You feel lonely because you ARE alone. Their attitude is: what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is also mine.

They want you to be 100% in the relationship while they believe they deserve freedom. If anything, it’s completely “one-sided” – if they are giving anything positive (which they usually aren’t), it’s because they have expectations to get more.

This type of relationship could be compared to Parasitism – a form of symbiosis. Certainly it is a type of relationship but not in the terms that you would think a relationship to be..

A parasitic relationship is one in which one organism, the parasite, lives off of another organism, the host, harming it and possibly causing death. The parasite lives on or in the body of the host. (source)

Only you can determine whether it’s best to say in that type of relationship. Perhaps leaving is too difficult – shared finances, children… complexities of returning to a life that involves more strife having to do things on your own.

It is important to know that a parasitic relationship is not a real relationship. Certainly, you might be married on paper. But that type of relationship is far from true, genuine, all encompassing love found in a lasting partnership between a man and a woman.