Is it the narcissists fault?
Or … did my marriage/relationship fail because I didn’t love myself enough?
If there’s one thing I know is certain, it’s that I get very tired of people passing judgement on what was one of the longest, unfulfilling, roller coaster experiences of my entire life.
The 18 years of marriage to someone who, from day number 1, was unable to love the way I needed someone to love me….
Not only are others quick to pass judgement, they are also quick to say any of the following lines:
- Love is a choice. (I fully agree. Love IS a choice. But love is also not one-sided. And love is by no means manipulative).
- You just had self esteem problems. (Nope. Not one bit.)
- You didn’t love yourself enough. (I love myself too much honestly.)
- You didn’t value the sanctity of marriage. (I certainly did value marriage or I would have left years ago.)
- Nobody deserves to be happy. (Perhaps not. But I am worthy of a life that brings me joy.)
- Love requires effort. (I think everyone knows this.)
- Marriage is something you never give up on. (<sigh>)…
- Perhaps you should look at how you contributed to his actions (aka: his infidelity, addictions, etc)
- Perhaps you were broken. (Not buying that, whatsoever.)
The way I remember things is quite clear – as a young 20-year-old, I wasn’t someone who had a vast arsenal of relationships prior to being married. I wasn’t a girl who hopped from guy to guy. I valued deep, meaningful connections. I always have.
I was a relatively content, happy person, who was well-educated, confident in my decisions and had my entire life ahead of me. My self esteem was just fine. I never met a stranger – in fact, I could walk into any situation with confidence and figure things out as I went.
Introverted I was, but I was also quite successful at my career. I was rather strong-willed – by no stretch of the imagination was I a wallflower or a door mat. I had always been rather independent, and I could go toe-to-toe with anyone – even if it was not the smartest thing to do. I stood up for myself, and while introverted, could be extroverted given the right circumstances.
I did not give one iota what people thought about me or who liked me, or who didn’t like me – that’s where I started from.
People have a tendency to believe that victims of narcissistic abuse are somehow defective.
But that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Those who are the manipulators have a tendency to blame the woes of the relationship on the fact that they believe that others (aka: you) are the reason for the woes. They will, more times than not, blame the inadequacies of the relationship on your childhood upbringing, your frail personality, your ‘passive aggressive’ behavior (that may or may not exist!), and your inability to reason with them.
Newsflash: that’s gaslighting.
In most cases, none of those things are the reason for their inability to get their shit together in the relationship. They are the ones that have the personality patterns, not you.
I’m here to tell you that if the victims of narcissistic abuse were somehow defective, we would never, ever, be able to endure the shit we have and still be alive to tell the tale.
You cannot walk through hell with the devil on your back and smile about it if you start out as a weak, self loathing, broken person.
You wouldn’t make it two steps before collapse.
The narcissist, on the other hand, couldn’t even take on even a little bit of the shit we have. They know this.
And they absolutely hate us for that.
If you are standing on top of someone to be on top, are you the strong one? Or is the person being suppressed the strong one? If I let go, the person holding me down will be the one to fall.
I’ll still be standing.
Survivors of narcissistic abuse are some of the strongest people you will ever meet.
Did we not love ourselves enough?
How about… we loved ourselves too much? We give, and give, and give someone who cannot, and does not, understand love at all.
We attempted to love an unlovable person.
We attempted to be there for and support a person that consistently pushed us away like a pesky fly.
We attempted to be there for and support a person that consistently ignored us and gave us the silent treatment more times than not.
Why?
Because WE are capable of loving.
We have love to give. And we try to give it.
Is it my fault that they cannot accept the love I give?
No. It is not.
I do not need to tear people down to build myself up. My self worth does not depend on my own abilities (or, lack thereof) to manipulate people. I do not measure people by what they have to offer me. I am able to draw all of that from within myself… in fact, I don’t need others to do that for me. Does that sound like a broken person to you?
We are not the defective ones in the equation.
We are not to blame because they mistreated us.
They mistreated us because they are defective.
They rejected our love because they didn’t love themselves enough.
They treat people like shit because they are shit. Period.
And the fact that they are shit has nothing to do with us.
We didn’t cause it and we can’t fix it because we didn’t break it.
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