2016 – I used to park my truck off to the side of a random road off state trust land just to get away from it all. Sometimes, I’d park in a random parking lot and sit, with the heater cranked, for hours.
After 15 years, I knew I was nothing more than a means to an end for him.
I cleaned.
I cooked.
I cared for our kids. I was responsible for the auto work, landscaping, house improvements. I can’t honestly say I ever saw him do anything for the family other than travel to and from work. He did not eat dinner with us. We did not go out together as a couple, we didn’t even go out together as a family.
To be honest, I’m not really even sure how or why I even thought that was a marriage or why I even stayed so long.
But I was tired. I was emotionally drained and physically exhausted. In true form, I kept going, taking off at night, with the kids, to sit on random roads and ponder how I got myself into that predicament. I was a giving, patient person – someone who gave so much, in fact, that my very own spouse used me for his own benefit.
He had no responsibilities to the family, he had no ties to the kids nor I. He was basically living a double life – married on paper, house cleaner/nanny/cook at home, but a whirlwind of women on the back side to keep him supplied in the area of sex and affection.
Until the day that I no longer had the energy to lie to myself. A good majority of men, unhappy in their marriages, will not take the initiative to leave or communicate their unhappiness. They will, instead, find fulfillment outside of the marriage – all for a variety of reasons:
- they don’t want the negative financial implications
- they are scared of losing their status/position
- they are worried about what people will say
- they are worried about being alone without a housekeeper/cook/nanny
- they don’t want the hassle – of divorce
- fear of conflict
- perhaps they feel like they won’t find real love
Obviously being married and having affair after affair is thrilling for them – to a certain extent. They receive fulfillment in the emotional area yet they don’t have to deal with he repercussions of the financial fallout, nor do they have to be the “bad guy” and tell their spouse (until, that is, the spouse finds out)
Yet it is the generous, patient woman at home caring for kids that has to deal with the emotional toll of never being enough, or not being their spouse’s first choice.
To remain in that predicament was to lie to myself. I knew my heart wasn’t there. And as challenging as I knew it would be to leave, I knew it was required. I didn’t have family to save me. I didn’t make enough money to afford my own place. I didn’t even make enough to support five kids.
But I couldn’t keep going the way I was.
And I’m not the type of person to make a huge ordeal. So with a few, simple words, I was done.
“I’m done. I don’t and haven’t loved you. And I am done here.”
The next few years would be painful, manipulative, financially challenging and exhausting. But if anything, it helped me define what I wanted in my life – what I wanted in a future relationship (if it ever happened).
I will no longer remain in a relationship where my hands are tied over the risk of losing material things – money, home, vehicles – because at the end of the day, that stuff doesn’t go to your grave. Next time, I will not remain simply out of fear.
To be able to give and receive love is one of the greatest feelings. Next time, I wanted someone who, in this world, was happy and proud to have me – fight for me, appreciate me, value me. I wanted to do the same back for them.
Next time, I wanted someone who put me first. Not someone else.
Next time, I wanted someone who found me special enough to fight for me because they were worried about losing me.
Until that point in my life, nobody had. My parents never did — at the age of 71, my parents never even took the initiative to meet my children. My older brother couldn’t be bothered to care about the sister who was physically and emotionally abused as a child. My little brother was so abused as a child that he continually ignored and ghosted those who tried to care about him. Eventually, I stopped trying with them, too.
I never want to be so dependent on someone monetarily that my life is void of love, emotion, connection. I’ll struggle financially, and emotionally on my own before I put myself in a situation where someone else puts more of a value on material items than the possibility of losing a one-in-a-lifetime love.
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