Your Lane

Have you ever just wanted people to hear you out… and instead, received unsolicited advice?

As an INFJ, it is one of my biggest pet peeves and yet it happens almost daily.

Over the course of my marriage, prior to divorce, my (now) ex-husband had a tendency to give his unsolicited advice to me about anything and everything he could. Looking back, it was his way of controlling me – dehumanizing me, breaking me down so that I couldn’t trust my inner voice, intuition, and make my own decisions.

He wanted to make me dependent on him. He wanted to make me feel like I couldn’t trust my own judgement .. and that I wanted and needed to stay with him, or have him in my life, because I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own.

Guess what?  He was he wrong.

Every time he gave me advice, I got out the imaginary scissors and cut “another” tie – eventually, all the ties were cut. On that day, I knew it was my time to go.

By that time, I had emotionally and mentally checked out. It wasn’t that I didn’t have a heart. In fact, I had too much heart. I just don’t need anyone telling me what to do, especially someone who lacks experience in the areas that they’re giving me advice in.

It’s easy for people to throw advice my way – after all, I may come across at naive, quiet, introverted, and extremely patient. But if you really get to know me, you’ll know that under all those layers, I am highly observant and largely independent. I’m driven, motivated and passionate about life in many different areas.

I might have chosen to disconnect and divorce from a marriage that was defunct and highly toxic – but make no mistake, I am not someone that needs someone to function in life. I can function quite largely on my own – and do even better alone than I can with someone who isn’t adding positivity to my life.

Over the last few years, those who are in my life generously throw advice at me like confetti – they give me their own thoughts on my life, my parenting, child-rearing, my workout regimen, and even my business decisions.

Sometimes, their advice starts with light-hearted suggestions. Those suggestions may not even seem like much – unless, of course, you’ve become well-accustomed to manipulative tactics over the years.

For me, unsolicited advice is a trigger. It does not matter who it is from – all of it is a trigger and it’s due in part to having someone paint me as a naive imbecile for years – someone who doesn’t know how to make simple decisions.

What might appear as lighthearted, is a very intentional beginning to what could very well be a show of greater power and control later on if not conquered (or, stopped) at the get-go.

In a conversation about the weather and how much I have improved my running regimen, I often hear:

“You shouldn’t run in this heat! It’s dangerous!” 

“You should be drinking more electrolytes.”

“You really should put your kids in public school or a public charter. It would be good for them.”

“You should sell your truck and buy a new one.”

“You should lift weights.”

“You should… You should….You should….You should….”

INFJ’s really don’t love receiving unsolicited advice. Unless you are an expert in the field in which you’re advising – we don’t particularly need it. Even if you are an expert, we still don’t like to be regarded as naive, “dumb”, uneducated or lacking in our own ability to trust our discernment.

More times than not, I’ll shrug it off and do my own thing – zealousness from others to weigh in on my life does nothing to inspire me to change anything. If anything, it says more about the advice-giver.

My ex found satisfaction when exerting influence onto and control over others. In other words, his compulsive need to fix me was fueled by his unconscious need to fix himself, seek control (power), and constant validation. I assume that this is true in part for most people who frequently give unsolicited advice.

Unsolicited advice isn’t something that most people appreciate, but INFJ’s have an especially negative reaction to it. Unless the other person has as much knowledge on the topic as they do, they don’t want that person inserting their influence on the conversation.

If they’re really struggling and want your advice, they will let you know.

INFJ’s rarely, if ever, give their unsolicited advice – in fact, I think twice these days about investing my energy into giving advice. As an INFJ, and an introvert, I often times hear unhelpful advice mainly from people who think they understand me and know me better than I know myself.

I see unsolicited advice as cruelty disguised as empathy, selfishness as selflessness and love, disguised as control. For the record, love isn’t control. Love is also not selfishness, and love is also not cruel.

Understandably, I am super careful of unsolicited advice from amateurs trying to exert expertise.

I have heard some people say that people who aren’t open to advice are egocentric and believe that they are, somehow, superior to others.

Others say… that people who aren’t willing to accept unsolicited advice are merely unable to accept criticism. That might be true – if the unsolicited advice is given in attempt to direct someone in their life choices. But sometimes, unsolicited advice can show someone’s deep-seated insecurity and need for validation.

• it’s presumptuous, arrogant, and condescending to assume that you know better for someone than they do
• it’s insulting to the other person’s ability to think and do things for themselves
• it’s basically calling the other person into question and requiring them to defend their personal choices to you
• it’s pushy and invasive
• and annoying

If you ask someone why they want to offer their advice, their answer is generally about wanting the person to change for the better. The advice-giver might seem to care about the person they are advising  – but they don’t realize that offering their unsolicited advice is rarely, if ever, experienced as caring. Instead, it’s experienced as invasive – because it comes with an agenda:

The agenda is to get that person to change rather than try to understand why they are making the choices they are making.

Even if we [claim to] love the person we are trying to advise, our desire to advise without being asked is a means of stripping them of their power and pulling them away from their deep inner self that likely already knows what the right thing to do is.

Unsolicited advice in any relationship is a mind game and a red flag. Advice is actually a form of judgement over support – it stops others from learning and growing.

As for me…    I will do everything possible to avoid throwing my advice around to others. I prefer the road less traveled, and that road means staying in my own lane.