Rose Colored Glasses

I have a tendency to see the world through rose colored glasses.

(Or, maybe I should say “had”). I really truly believed that everyone out there had a good heart. All people are beautiful on the inside. That all people are accepting, the way I try to accept all.

I always treated others the way I wished to be treated – and that to teach empathy you must show empathy.

But over the years, I learned that showing empathy to people basically meant that I was teaching them that they came before me. For years, it got worse. And worse. And before you knew it, showing people kindness basically taught them that I was easy to take advantage of. You’d think family would be different but it was even worse with them.

I always find myself asking why empathy comes to easily to me yet it never, ever turns out the same for those around me.

Because I tend to try to maintain happiness, positivity, and peace, I’ll never fight back. I always put the better of everyone else before myself, always trying to make peace at the expense of my own health and happiness. I am afraid of upsetting or hurting anyone so I bottle up my emotions and deal with them on my own. Plus, nobody would understand (or at least I feel that way).

I never stopped being who I was though.

I still love beyond the capacity that most people can love .. but I started pulling back from people, from the world in general. It took a heavy toll on me. I pulled back out of preservation.. A recluse in a way. I wasn’t always that way but looking back now, it was/is a survival trait. So very few people understand me.

Without knowing me, people may assume I’m closed off and indirect I guess, but the reason I tend to appear that way is because being open was what damaged me in the first place. I shelter myself because my personality isn’t readily accepted by most. I’m a highly emotional person who hides everything inside. Not because I was born that way but because I was taught to be that way.

I am selective on who I allow in my personal life, and if I have turned to you and allowed you in, then it is because I really truly trust you, not just with my emotions but also trust your guidance and support.

But then, that also comes with a huge fear of vulnerability.

When you open yourself up emotionally, there’s always a chance they’ll take advantage of your vulnerability. Opening up yourself to someone is scary; it’s allowing them to see inside the deep, dark (and even dusty) corners of your heart. Sometimes, they’re the corners that nobody knows about.

It’s telling them things you have never told anyone, or sharing things with someone that you have never (would never) share out loud. It is feeling so comfortable with someone that you don’t care if you just sit in silence with them.

It is knowing there’s someone in the world that makes you truly happy, and it’s weird to even believe that a person could be the source of your happiness.

But they are.

Some people aren’t in touch with their emotions enough to do this.  But for those of us who are, it’s scary – venturing into territory where being brutally honest and vulnerable could potentially get us hurt in the long term. In reality though, sometimes we just click with a certain person and it’s easy to tell them things that you may not feel comfortable telling anyone else. Those people could very well be the best people (or the best person, rather) that you have in your life. But they could also be the one that hurts you the most.

It all comes down to trust.

By being open with them, you hope that they will be understanding of the things you say and do. That they will support you in your endeavors, knowing that you would do the same for them. You want nothing more than for them to just be there for you. Because you know that you would be there for them.