Past Memories

 

Hold on tight here – because this is a big one.

I recently was in a forum, online, where someone asked the following question:

“Why would couples, who once loved each other, after an affair, just decide to divorce after all they have shared together?”

Ahhh… the good’s “memories” line.

I’ve seen this word ‘memories’ tossed around a lot lately – in self help books, books about relationships, and surprisingly, it’s all over the internet, too. .  things like:

“So many moments! So many memories!”

Certainly, memories are everywhere. But do you want to know the real truth?

Past memories don’t predict future love.

They shouldn’t.

I have past memories and experiences from my 20 year marriage. Certainly I do – who wouldn’t? Does it mean I’m going to put up with toxic behavior, inadequate love and manipulative vindictiveness, just for the sake of memories?

I’ve also seen the following quote, from a family member several years ago. This particular family member was the wife, of a spouse (husband) who had cheated. She had discovered his affair, and in efforts to “save” the marriage, he [quite unwillingly] returned back to the marriage.

(For the record, it never worked out and years later, they were separated/divorced, but that’s another story!)

Her quote was this:

“Marriage is making it work, remembering all he memories over choosing the easy route.”

[Followed by tons of sappy, strained selfies of him and her, and the 3 kids, as they started to immediately change! Work on things! Realize …  we have to make it work! We’ve been married 10 years, we can’t just let this go!” Like I said .. it didn’t work. But, I regress.]

I could dissect what she wrote 50,000 ways.

The “easy route” is always the route of comfort. Staying with someone, who you are no longer in love with, or who is toxic, who emasculates you, disrespects you, ostracizes you, shames you, puts you down, is abusive, withholds love – etc, is EASIER than leaving.  Let me say that again: staying with someone is always easier than leaving.

I know what staying involves. Because I’ve been there.
I also know what leaving involves. Because I have been there.

And hands down, leaving is 100x harder.

It’s easier to stay because:

• You maintain the facade from the outside looking in “wow, beautiful family/marriage!”
• You maintain the financial benefits of two incomes versus one, and prevent the splitting of assets.
• You maintain a home for your kids – I can’t say it’s a solid home, because the love isn’t there, but it’s a home.
• You maintain the image you have held up for years – childhood sweethearts, early glory days, super amazing parent team, whatever that might be.
• You get to keep your stuff, that you so desperately are clinging to. After all, stuff is important! It makes you feel like someone.

To stay is comfortable. If it wasn’t comfortable, people would not stay.

Leaving, on the other hand, is the hard route.

Marriage is work. And marriage does require effort. But it also requires perspective and work LONG before the infidelity occurs. Because once that infidelity occurs, you need to ask yourself if you are staying out of obligation (financial, memories, kids, image, status, etc) – and if your spouse is staying for reasons of finances, memories, image, status, ease.

Image, I’d say, is one of the biggest reasons why betrayed women stay, next to finances. They do not want to swallow their pride and admit that their spouse fell out of love with them and in love with someone else. Women don’t want to look like they lost, in a sense – so by getting their spouse to stay, it looks as if she “won” – problem is, you can’t say that. Because he might very well be staying out of obligation, and to stay out of obligation is not the same as staying for true reasons of love.

As far as remembering memories, the memories will always be there. It does not mean that there is love for that person.

My ex husband cheated on me 9 times. We had many memories – however, they were not all good.  Some were bad. But did that influence my decision to leave? Absolutely not. Memories played NO part. It was my time to call it done, I was not going to settle and no amount of materialistic stuff was going to stop me. Also, I am not a person who strives to maintain an image – so I did not care what people on the outside thought or perceived, because they simply meant nothing to me.

There is no love after infidelity – if there was, the infidelity would not have happened. You do not “love” someone you cheat on. It is not possible – no matter what anyone says. You have to really sit with yourself and ask yourself, if you are betraying a spouse, why you are still there with them.

Chances are, you are more than likely staying because of obligation, unwillingness to lose “stuff”.

When I filed for divorce, my ex said to our kids that I “give up on things easily.” 

That couldn’t be more incorrect. Spending twenty years with a malignant narcissist who shamed, belittled, disrespected, abused (sexually and otherwise), controlled and manipulated is not giving up easily. So he thinks, and tells others, that me filing for divorce on him was proof (to him) that I give up easily.  If that’s not toxic, I don’t know what is.

Giving up was him having 9 affairs and having the audacity to claim that he wasn’t at fault, he wasn’t willing to work on himself or anything else, nor was he willing to even address his sorrow or act of betrayal.

Christian or not, I will not remain with someone who is abusive. Marriage is an equal partnership – when one person in that partnership can’t hold up their end, then the marriage is done. Finished. Over. Memories play NO part at that point.

I will move in the direction of my soul. The Lord led me to leave. I left. The Lord took care of me during that challenging time of my life. The Lord kept my kids close to me during that time. The Lord provided for me financially during that time. It was not because of anyone else – because nobody else was there for me, not a single soul, through all those years. It was the Lord and the Lord alone.

And to find out what your soul says, you truly have to disassociate yourself from other people around you, from videos on YouTube, from forums online – and more. You clearly have to CUT YOURSELF OFF everything and everyone.

Yes, that means being alone.

And for some people, the thought of that is scary.

Yes, you can be alone. If you can’t, then you will NEVER grow as a person! If you can’t be alone, that is a red flag – you may very well be somewhat co-dependent, and that is an entirely different set of issues.

Only when you hear yourself think will you be able to come to the conclusion of what YOU feel like you need to do.

I went through several years of isolation. I had kids, certainly! But I cut off ALL family, friends, and else. I was a hermit, and I was completely content being that way. I hiked 5-7 miles a day for several years – and still am at it now. I never missed a day.

That time alone, in nature, in the heat, sun, cold, wind, rain – helped me really, really sort out what I wanted deep within myself. It taught me to listen to my soul.

And when I came back to life, essentially, I knew I had made the right decision.

Memories are great. But you can make memories with anyone – good folk, toxic folk, abusive folk, manipulative folk, outgoing folk, etc.

Memories do not discriminate.

Memories should never be the basis on which you make your life decisions.