In a relationship, can you have love without loyalty? Or loyalty without love?
Spending time alone is one of the best ways to find out what is truly important to you in a relationship. Up until I got divorced, very little of my time was spent alone.
Fast forward to now, and the majority of my time is spent in solitude. Years ago, I would have scoffed at the concept of being in solitude… because I would have thought “I can’t possibly be alone.” However, it is that very thing [solitude] that has transformed my life in a ridiculous way.
Now, I can’t imagine not having that time of solitude. I crave it. And when I am in solitude, my mind dives deep into topics that aren’t easily answered.
Topics such as: loyalty and love.
So which one is it? Loyalty? Or Love?
Have you ever stopped to consider whether love or loyalty is more important to you?
Up until today, I hadn’t given it much thought.
But it was something that popped up today in the back of my mind as I hiked up the side of a mountain in the mid-day heat here of the desert southwest.
If someone were to ask you to choose between love and loyalty, which would you choose?
Initially, I contemplated: “can you have one without the other?” And if I had to pick one, would I pick loyalty? Or would I pick love?
Can you have love without loyalty?
This is honestly an interesting question.
Could you love someone if they were unfaithful to you? Or, reverse – would someone love me if I was unfaithful to them?
Could I remain loyal to someone if my love for them started to fade over time? Or reverse – would someone stay with me if their love for me started to fade, but it was convenient to remain in the relationship?
Would I still want to be a partner for someone if their love for me had faded? Is loyalty enough to keep a couple together?
In all honesty, I was in a relationship where someone was unfaithful to me. And I know, from personal experience, that love went out the window when the infidelity was brought to light. I hate to even say this but I don’t even think that there was actual love from the get go … and that is what gradually destroyed what I ‘thought’ was marriage. That might be different for others, perhaps others have a higher tolerance, but that was not the case with me. I quickly realized, at that time, that I was not in love with them, and did not care for them. (That might be the INFJ in me as well: when you treat someone so poorly, eventually, the patience of an INFJ can wear thin and eventually lead to the infamous “door slam”. Alas, the point of no return.) I can’t say that he loved me – because he was unfaithful. Yet I remained, out of convenience – there was no intimacy, no spark, no connection – if anything, we coexisted.
The truth is, coexisting can be done with or without marriage. Anyone can merely coexist with another person – sharing a home, but never conversing, never exchanging basic subtleties, never going places in tandem.
My experience might not be the same for others, however, so these questions are truly something you need to think about in your time of solitude.
Would you stay in a relationship despite being unhappy?
Ask yourself – would you stay in a relationship if you were no longer happy?
Would you truly do that to yourself?
Why would you stay with someone who didn’t spark your heart? Someone who didn’t make you happy? Why would you stay with someone who was content with merely existing through life? No fun, no excitement, no laughter – just flat existing?
Perhaps this is the difference between me and others. And perhaps, this is the reason I am currently alone – watching others, in relationships, from the sidelines of my own life.
I can be ridiculously loyal, but when the spark goes, I find it difficult to stay in the relationship, even if it is for convenience.
Does that make my loyalty any less?
Does that mean I am not loyal?
What about heartache?
There is no worse feeling than loving someone who can’t or doesn’t love you back reciprocally. If anything, heartache makes you feel something – it reminds us that we are all alive and have needs and desires in our life. It shows us that we each have unique expectations in regards to that special person we desire in our lives.
However, if you were with someone and you found out that they had been unfaithful, would you be able to push it to the back of your mind because your loyalty for that person is so strong?
I would say “love” in lieu of loyalty but deep down, I am a firm believer that true love won’t lead to infidelity – but where does loyalty sit? Can you be unfaithful but still have loyalty for that person?
Ultimately, I want to believe in both. There is NO greater feeling than being in a loving relationship, with someone who is not only loyal to you but loves you deeply and whom you love deeply in return.
Can there be marriage without love?
Can one expect both love and loyalty in a marriage? Is it always possible?
I think we can all agree that love isn’t always something that can be expected in a marriage. Take, for example, some cultures and the aspect of arranged marriage. An arranged marriage can definitely have an absence of love. The marriage is organized by a family member and the marriage is matched for purpose of wealth, or convenience, or perhaps other reasons.
In those cases, the couple may not initially love – however, love may develop over time. Though it is not always the case.
Love or loyalty – what would you choose?
Everyone seeks (and stays) in a relationship for reasons of their own. For some, a relationship is a necessity – for purpose of avoiding being alone.
For others, it may be a sort of convenience, and others, for true reasons of love and deep happiness.
When I think of what I personally value in a marriage, I desire both love and loyalty. Being in a relationship is about enhancing your life … not just co-existing.
I don’t necessarily want or need a man to make my life happy, complete me, or be my company because I dislike being alone. I want to be with someone who compliments me, someone who appreciates the things I bring to their life. I want someone who brings laughter and happiness to my life, someone who wants to share their time with me, not just because he wants to avoid being alone, but because HE feels that I am an enhancement to his life.
Someone he cannot possibly live without.
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