Looking back, I was much too young when I got married.
I was also very naive. Growing up as a child in a home with a mother who had patterns of borderline personality disorder and a father who was a convert narcissist, I never quite experienced love.
In all of my 18 years of childhood, I cannot recall a single instance where my parents showed any type of love or affection. No words were ever exchanged that could have been construed as love or affection. It was a very different childhood – a mix of happy moments, certainly. But more times than not, an experience that I had no desire to repeat when I became an adult myself.
My grandpa passed away from Cancer the year before I was born. My grandmother got remarried to a fellow Brit, who adored her and I knew, even as a child, that they were very much happy and in love. I often times visited them at their home, just a short distance from my childhood home, and made observations on their actions between each other in comparison to the actions between my parents.
I’m fairly certain my brothers did the same; however, all these years later, we’ve never really spoken much about it because we have drifted apart.
I never really felt loved as a child. As the oldest, I often felt like I never quite lived up to the expectations my parents had of me. I lived my junior and high school years focused on academics, with very little room for activities with friends. I was quite lonely, growing up – but filled that gap with work and school in efforts to keep my head above water – it seemed to work.
Little did I realize…
I had no idea, however, that I’d marry a man who I’d later identify as having the same covert narcissistic tendencies throughout our marriage. I don’t often go back into my diaries, but when I do, I’m reminded just how far I have come – the teasing, the ridiculing, the constant put-downs… I’m not sure how or why I stayed as long as I did. I think I truly was scared that I was “locked in” to what I felt was a suffocating place with no way out. It was a feeling of hopelessness.
Several years later…
It wasn’t until I trudged through a two year contentious divorce and custody battle did I really, truly see where I once was, and what I was up against. Now, several years later, I am in such a better place. While the drudgery continues due to children, I no longer have to wake up to being shamed or made to feel like I am less than anyone.
But the reality is still there – I never loved him the way that a wife should love a spouse. Nor did he love me – and this is where I spent 18 years of my life. I can say with confidence that my love for my children is off the charts – however, my definition of love is nothing compared to his definition of love for those same children.
His definition of love is control through money, materialistic items and unlimited video game time, control and manipulation. To him, love is control. There is no other meaning to love. There is absolutely no relationship with them outside of purchasing power. The oldest 2 children have now requested to live with me full time because their need for “deep” love and emotional support cannot be provided by their own father, but is something they feel from their mother.
Loving someone vs Being in Love?
It was several years ago that I met you. Before I even knew what our connection was, I loved you – purely. I wanted you, needed you and craved you in ways that words can never explain. I found myself triggered when you were absent, as I desperately sought validation for the way I felt – I wanted that love to be returned. I guess I could say I put my own needs before yours – it was immature of me, and in retrospect, an immature love.
I should have spent more time trying to understand why you were as overwhelmed as you were; I should have given you more time to spent in self reflection instead of constantly chasing you to come back for my own selfish needs.
Now, over 2 years later, I know what you mean to me. I love you. This love I have for you is a deep love – it’s unwavering. It will never, ever lessen.
It is offered without the need for reciprocation – it will always exist. Infinitely. Unlike before, I have accepted that you may not love me back. I will, however, still love you. You are not required to demonstrate your ability to love me back. Your happiness is at the root of my love for you – even if I am not part of the equation (as hard and painful as it is for me to even say that).
I love you freely and without fear. I love you not for what you can give me but for who you are deep in your soul. I am inspired by you. I carry you in the background of my mind and heart all day long. You are, forever, and always with me. That will never change.
Love… cannot be contingent. It cannot be bought. It cannot depend on something you receive or gain. It’s not selfish, nor is it restrictive – love does not expect. Love does not need. It simply is.
Love just is.
And it is unconditional ❤️
All these years later, I realize that I have never actually loved someone else fully. Until you. What a gift… to be able to love in this capacity.
Leave a Reply