I Was Always There

I was.

I was always there.

Until you weren’t.

Having someone who values and cares for your feelings is great, absolutely. But the benefits go far, far beyond that.

When we feel seen, heard, and valued, we tend to perform better. When our feelings are valued in any type of relationship, it can deepen the bond in that relationship.

I grew up with parents who, at one point in my life, neglected to fulfill their needs as parents. It was upsetting, but it taught me that I can only depend on myself.

It also taught me the importance of truly showing up for others.

Certainly, my parents left me hanging, but I told myself I would go to the utmost degree to always be there for others who managed to make their way in my life.  Being overly empathetic, compassionate and caring, I find myself giving, giving and giving some more.

But that’s the quickest way to a one-sided relationship.

It’s understandable, if the other person has a bad day or occasionally needs some support. But when it becomes a routine long-standing event, then that’s an indicator that they are not where they should be in their lives.

They do not love themselves enough to show up for themselves, and further, they can’t show up for others.

They don’t know how to love. Their definition of love is skewed.

When you came into my life, everything fell apart. I had never felt the feelings I felt with you. I deeply cared about you. I was inspired by you. You blew everything I had ever known out of the water.

When you ghosted me the first time, I was so confused. I had no idea what I had done. Up to that point, I felt like I was (probably) a temporary fix to a problem you had in your life. Perhaps … I was a way to make you feel good at the time. I was, in other words, temporary.

But I couldn’t shake the feelings that never went away.

I was financially bound to someone that I did not love. I had never loved. But knowing what I did about where I was, I could not stay. I left. I took the clothes on my back, my kids, and my truck, my soap and the mugs that my kids had made for me. I left everything else. I had nothing – I did not have a washer or dryer, nor my tools, kitchen table, sofas, or bed – I had nothing.

I was in an expensive, high cost of living area. I had no friends, I had NO family. It was me + 5 kids. I had fear, doubt and uncertainty and it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make.

Starting over, with no certainty that I would ever be able to provide or make it work with kids.  But every day I woke up, I thought of you and was largely inspired by you. And it is that inspiration that pulled me though.

I fell in love with you in ways that are indescribable.

Over time, you helped me feel safe, heard, loved, seen, validated – I felt emotionally connected to you in ways I have never felt before. I feared… that you would eventually go away.

That you would change your mind or that, as I had convinced myself, that I was just a temporary distraction and in no way something that would ever be permanent in my life.

Over time, you’d run. And then return. I never wanted to make myself unavailable in fear that you would categorize me as being ‘just like everyone else’. So I gave. And gave.

But in the back of my mind, I continually asked myself if I really was someone to you, or just a temporary fix.

Deleting my IG account upon your request was never a second thought to me. I wanted to show you my commitment. I worked, for myself. That account was a means of drawing in business, but I placed my trust in the Lord and knew he would provide if my heart was in the right place.

As time went on though I had to ask – I didn’t have selfies, or stories on my IG.  I did not post my life story, long, draw-out videos, workouts, or even inauthentic portrayals of myself.  Has she given up hers? Likely not. Have you asked her to do the same? Did she show you that same level of commitment?

My business were my living. They weren’t a hobby or some random thing to keep me busy. I am supporting five kids, one income. Was it because you wanted to see how much I was willing to do for you? Why not ask her to give hers up? I’m almost certain she wouldn’t willingly delete her insta and all its contents like I did. Did you think that my businesses were just some random hobby? If you thought that, then you are sorely mistaken.

I wanted to show you I was always there for you… so I made every effort to come to you. I spent copious amounts of money in fuel, time away from my business, flights, and hotels to show you that I was different than the others.

And while we did spend time together, more times than not, I was in an empty hotel room after you had ghosted me out of the blue, knowing I was there.  It was the most gut wrenching experience – to have traveled 500 miles, after renting a hotel and car, to be sitting there having been ghosted, wondering what I did wrong. I was always there, until you weren’t.

How would you have felt, had I have poured out my feelings yet… had a second life I was living in secret?

Every time that happened, I’d go through the most destructive, gut wrenching experience of questioning my self worth.

The toxic cycle of push, pull, I want you, I don’t want you, love me, don’t leave me, only to see you leave me on read or block me. It ate me alive.

But over time, I’d open my heart unconditionally and tell myself .. this is a result of his childhood trauma. He has never felt a love like mine, perhaps I need to allow him his space.

You met my kids. They loved you. They still do. They adored everything you did with them, and you made them feel so valued and seen. I saw their faces light up when they knew you were coming by.  We returned for fall break that year… they came to see you. Only for my truck to break down on the freeway – I came to tell you on insta only for you to block me and run, again.

How… knowing we were stuck on the freeway, could you do that without any emotion? I should have had the truck towed back home but I didn’t. I told myself that you were just having a bad day, and I had it towed the rest of the 200 miles. Paid thousands to fix it, only to break down on the top of the mountain. For 12 hours, were were stuck.

Not a single person came to help…I still remember how I felt that day. I never want to feel like that again. I was confused, angry, frustrated, and felt like nobody. I had no idea what to say to the kids who kept asking why I didn’t call you to come save us.

One week and $3,000 later, we returned home, thanks to one tow truck driver that literally spent his entire week to help me put that truck in motion. I lost 8 lbs that week alone, and returned home sicker than I have ever been in my life.

I swore up and down I would never allow myself to be in that situation again.

You returned, months later, and unexpectedly. I thought…. maybe he really did miss me. But I wasn’t certain. I came back out for spring break, this time without the kids. Except….. I was deserted, again.

I remember sitting in the lobby of the hotel, being unable to think straight. I couldn’t stop crying, I had no idea why I was suffering so massively. I cried out to God, wondering why I was enduring so much pain, emotionally. I returned home and focused on the only thing I could – myself.

How could someone who was so unhappy, just flip the switch and look like they were/are having the time of their lives?

But.. I didn’t ever stop sending cards, and boxes because I didn’t want to be categorized into being just like everyone who has always failed you. So I made an effort. But I wasn’t ever sure if the effort was seen.

I still don’t know. I never wanted reciprocation. I don’t do things for things back. It gives me pleasure to show someone their place in my life, but then I’ll give and give and question my place in theirs.

Don’t worry about reaching out to me again because you can’t. I’m not on social media. I certainly don’t need it – I’d rather live a real life than a pretend, fake life. I don’t have multiple handles, trying to hide secret lives.

Deep down I felt like you were not willing to leave where you are. You mentioned to me in a message last fall ..”I don’t care what others might say about leaving someone hot for someone with kids. I felt a connection with you and it won’t go away.”

That… said more to me than anything else.

Status means more to you than a connection and following your heart.

Being with a single mom of five kids isn’t helpful… I would tarnish your image.

You don’t want to leave what you have – garage filled with tools, wood, toys, machines. Your backyard is filled with stuff. Your house, picturesque – material items are hard to part with. I know this – because my ex was miserable for years, but remained because he was stuck in the things of this world.

Instead of being up front and telling me he didn’t love me, he found someone else to have an affair with. He thought he could have the best of both worlds – the “stuff” he so desperately didn’t want to lose, and the sex he so desperately craved.

Except, that affair turned into 9 affairs and a lie of a life. All because of stuff, and status.

I don’t care about stuff, evidently. I left it all, because my heart happiness is far more important than following a materialistic life where I’m not happy within. I lost everything to get where I am at.

I have grown in ways that are incomparable to anyone I’ve ever known. I lost everything and went through complete torture to find out what is important to me.

Certainly – I haven’t yet moved. But as you said last year “If you were here, I could come and stop in to see you regularly.”

Stop and see me? So… am I moving just so you can pop in and visit? Am I never going to be a permanent part of your life?

Something does not add up to your situation. Either, special media is incredibly fake, or you aren’t honest (and never were) about your feelings. I knew, from the get go, I was just a blip on the radar. Perhaps… I was a way for you to validate your mid-life existence. You wanted to prove that you still had the ability to catch someone.

You did, obviously. At the risk of … someone willing to put her all into you. Someone who’s kids absolutely adored you.

I see it clearly now – you are too wrapped up in the stuff of this world. You are … essentially, no different than any other person who claims to be struggling with their life. You want a temporary fix. But you won’t make that fix permanent because…

you don’t want to lose “stuff”

you don’t want to be by yourself..

you’d rather settle

I got it.   I did put in paperwork and set a court date, you’d eventually ghost again. Every step forward, I essentially stopped and said “what the hell am I doing this for? For who? Someone who can’t even communicate?” I wonder how you would have felt had I ghosted you repeatedly, without even so much as an apology when reappearing some time later as if nothing ever happened.

Moving forward is the only way for me.   I have come much too far to be held back by unwillingness to progress in life. And you aren’t… it’s apparent that you have emotional disregulation, your push/pull, avoidance/attachment, fear of abandonment/engulfment requires therapy. You aren’t in therapy.

You probably aren’t willing to go to therapy.

But you need to. Because you are hurting others, whether you realize it or not. You are unwilling to leave because you can’t operate on your own.  You cannot, obviously, be by yourself.

I can’t operate like that.

I was just a temporary feeling to fill what void in your life at the time.

I obviously was too much for you.

Great – so go find someone less.

I was always here. Until you weren’t. I was incredibly patient. MORE patient than anyone could probably ever have been.

I was there and that is undeniable. Until you weren’t. You ignored and ghosted me. I never stopped loving or caring about you.

You stopped responding to me and repeatedly ghosted me or blocked me.  You never apologized for all the sh*t you put me through. I do love you. But love is not enough. Because you did not love me back – you don’t know how to love properly.

There’s no way you love her either, sadly.

You don’t know how to love, because your definition of love is skewed.

There was a day that we were chatting on the phone when you said “that’s why I wanted to be there for you” – when? You weren’t. You were NEVER reliably there even when I needed you the most. What makes you think you ever were there??? 12 hours sitting on the top of the mountain with kids, suffering from the hellish cold temps without any food or water, and you claim you were there for me?

I don’t like being ignored… but even worse than being ignored is watching my little girls be ignored. My girls have such a huge heart. I’m so lucky, despite all that they have been through, that they spend the majority of their time with a parent who encourages them to have a massive heart. I don’t want the risk of them losing that love by being ignored.

Nothing will change.

That toxic cycle has to break, or it will remain in place for years.

I can’t continue to be in a toxic cycle… I’m worth much more than that.

Until you see past the material items of this world and the superficial status that the rest of the world has, you will never reach to your highest potential. And until you understand that you need professional help, then you will continue the self-sabotaging relationship issues you have been in for years.

I have chosen to remain alone, because I don’t have time for people who are uncertain of what they want in life. I know where I’m going, and I know I’m capable of reaching that destination without anyone else.

I have a chosen to remain alone because I find the majority of people to be void of meaning, void of life, void of love… and too attached to the things of this world. Too attached to image, status, “stuff”, shit that doesn’t fucking matter.

I don’t love being alone, but being alone has been the moving force behind growing as a person.  There is no growth without being uncomfortable and this last 4 years has been uncomfortable as hell. But it has also been the most monumental in terms of personal growth.

I have done far too much work and come this far to spend my time wondering how someone feels about me.  I saw these patterns of behavior from the get go and that is what held me back from moving. I’m not willing to throw in thousands and thousands of dollars of time representing myself in court only to find someone who wants me one day, then ghosts me the next – and hoovers back weeks, months later only to lay fault on everyone but himself.

If my energy is too much, if I’m too much, then you can simply go find less. Because I’m not less. I never will be less.

Your energy matches your situation – whether you realize it or not, both of you are stuck in status, ego and the material world. You can wrap that in whatever spiritual scripture wrapping paper but … it’s clearly evident.

You help complete that picturesque story that has stuck for years. Both of you help each other “feel” like someone.  And a family with money is always far more attractive than a single mom of 5 that runs on love.

I have never poured myself out to someone … as I have with you. Never.

I have never loved someone as much as I love you.

And I still love you.But love is not enough, and love does not mean I’m going to watch you and her have the time of your lives and yet listen to you say that you’re just buying time.

No, you’re not.

You just want the best of both worlds.

Except I’m not playing that game anymore. I’m out.