I never stopped loving you.
Opening up to you requires one to expose themselves to the possibility of being hurt. The fact that an individual has to open up signifies that they are guarded and may have some energetic blockages which prevent them from fully trusting others to not cause them pain.
I don’t want to be like anyone else. I don’t want to cause pain like people in your past may have. So I chose to give you my all. My entire self. But in doing so, I scared you and you ran. I loved hard and you were unable to receive that love.
For guarded individuals, opening up creates fear, and this fear activates a flight or fight response. If they cannot overcome to urge to bolt from the situation, they may retract and become closed up again, and may even leave the situation – as a knee-jerk response. Individuals can go through a cycle of opening up and closing down, causing trauma to all involved – and their actions puzzling to those who just want to love them and not intentionally ever hurt them.
I never left you. I am still here. But I backed away. Because … I felt like I was intruding in your life. Because maybe you didn’t love me like I thought, all this time. Because… maybe you fell back in love with her and you were done with me. Because… I perhaps was an embarrassment to your situation – after all, it’s much more acceptable in the “eyes” of others to be with someone who is fit, beautiful, and has one child than with someone who has five kids and is freshly divorced. I got it. It doesn’t change how I feel.
In this situation of back and forth opening up and closing down, it’s the duty of the feminine to connect to their inner heart and transmit safety to the masculine, who is likely reluctant to believe that they could be experiencing a love that is so true, and so real. By sharing my feelings with you openly, there was and is an opportunity to create the space for you, as the masculine, to accept or reject the truth and the foundation for what lies ahead.
The feminine typically relies on their heart to make decisions whereas the masculine relies on logic and reasoning. The feelings that the feminine (me) has for you may not be logical or reasonable to you. I felt like the connection we had was real and my feelings for you were and still are undeniable – in my heart, I know what I feel. You, as the masculine, have to think about what I have told you and rely on your outer experience to confirm for yourself, the truth about these feelings.
It is critical, at this point, for the masculine (you) to understand that my feelings for you are truly and unequivocally real. You will need to connect to your heart center – that is the vital catalyst for this to take place. God placed me in your life for a reason and you in mine. He knew what you needed, but the willingness to accept love has to be there, or the running will continue for years down the road.
For the masculine, past trauma – whether it be in childhood or relationships, will cause your heart energy to have blockages. In response, the masculine may have a wall miles thick – but upon “feeling”, you run. And you block. A blockage in the heart center can be cleared – but it cannot be forced. You must make the conscious choice to change your response, and open up to accept my love – even if it means taking the risk of hurt once again. I am always praying for your safety, and sending you love and thoughts of positive intention your way – but at the same time, I want nothing more than to allow you to realize that I will and would never harm you like you have been in the past.
Understand that I never left. I felt like I needed to step back because you weren’t responsive. I could tell you shifted based on your lack of interest/response. I figured you had fallen back in love. Pictures and videos of your trips, Sawmill, Tin Can Alley, White Sands… confirmed – I was nothing but a blip on your radar that had probably fallen off at this point. Truth is, it hurts, to love someone this much and watch you happy with them.
My kids ask about you daily. They wanted to see you for spring break. I can’t bear to discuss things with them because they have great memories of their time with you and I don’t want those memories tainted with disappointment.
They love you. Fiercely.
I love you. Fiercely.
That love will not fade. It hasn’t. The distance doesn’t make it fade, the frustration of being apart doesn’t make it fade. Even when I see your happy life with her and your family… I still cannot stop loving you. Yes, I get frustrated. Yes, I get hurt. Yes, I get upset. Does it make the love go away? No.
But.. out of respect for your situation, I retracted. You know my love will not go anywhere. But you need to accept this love I have – right now, you run back to what is comfortable … and a love that (though it might not be perfect), is tolerable. And until that changes, you will forever be stuck without progressing forward.
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