A Failure

I feel like an absolute failure today – as a mother, as a woman, as a business owner, as a friend.

Image by Ryan KLAUS from Pixabay

 

 

It takes a great deal of pain for me to get to this point.  The last 20 years of my life have likely led me to this point today, of absorbing how I feel.

Nobody would truly understand, so I just hold it in.

For years, I was married to someone who did not see me, respect me or acknowledge me.  He would constantly disrespect me, shame me, make fun of me – and routinely mock me. Very few people would ever understand the psychological harm that does to a person – a mother, the woman in the household.

It hurts to even talk about it, but that inherent shaming continued for years and like a sponge, I absorbed all of it. It affects how I live out each day. It affects my relationships with my kids. It affects my psyche, and it affects how I treat other people.

Because I can’t trust others very well. I have no reason to – because the person that married me didn’t even trust me enough to respect me the proper way.

How can I ever know that anyone else will?

I have been self employed for 14 years this year. I first started this self employment when my (now) ex-husband deployed overseas. He did not want me to work, so I left a beautiful career behind to stay home with kids. Except.. I was alone, with kids.

I had no family near.

I had no access to a bank account. Imagine going from a career where you run a department to being at home, with 2 kids, no family, no goal each day – it was depressing.

I started blogging. I started to find things to write about where I could make money and not leave the house. And it worked. Within a few years, I started earning ad revenue and it compounded, over time. I became quite successful – paying off my student loans, his student loans and saving for a down payment on a house.

But when he returned, he viewed my self employment as a threat, once again, and tried to shut it down. But I refused. I continued to work for myself, and raise my kids, despite his unwillingness to support my endeavors.

Fast forward, that earned income proved helpful when we got our house. I continued working and it wasn’t long before he found satisfaction outside of the marriage. I knew, at that point, I wasn’t happy – but I was staying out of obligation for our kids.

But that affair was the nail in the coffin.

What I didn’t realize is that those affairs compounded after that initial discovery. One led to two, two led to four, and before you know it, there was much too many to let them get by.

So I filed for divorce

I was scared… of failing. I was scared of not being able to make it on my own in a high cost of living city. I was scared of losing my kids.

But what I didn’t realize is that I had already lost myself in that previous 20 years. What more could I lose?

I moved to a house, with a high cost of rent. I don’t even know how I qualified for this house but she allowed me to sign the contract. It was, at the time, the cheapest house in the area. Rent was astronomical at the time.

I kept working. Writing. Operating my Etsy shops. But I was struggling, on my own. Being a single parent to 5, and trying to hold down full time work, handle their school, and be the parent was hard.

I knew this, I had done it for years up until this point.

But it didn’t mean it wasn’t hard. It was.

Every day I wake up even more drained from the day prior.

And today I woke up feeling like a failure

I consider myself an effective communicator, but for some reason, there are people in my life that can’t communicate with me.

I consider myself a very empathetic person, but … I am always second. I’m never someone’s first, I’m just there.

I consider myself a very patient person, but yet … I have noticed that others often times don’t have the patience to truly realize I have issues too.

I am not a showy person, I don’t strive for attention, but yet… people assume that I am hiding my life, or doing inappropriate things that question morality. I’m not.

I’m a pretty caring person, but yet… I’m often times ignored or given the silent treatment – whether intentionally or unintentionally. Perhaps it’s assumed I’ll always be there.

I am a creative person who works so hard, every day, to make a living, but I don’t put it out for the world to see… as a result, people assume I’m lazy, boring, uneducated, and lacking intelligence.

I am understanding, but yet somehow people mistake that for stupidity and feel like they can treat me however they want to without having to apologize for their disrespect.

I am giving, especially to my kids and to others, but that gets me in trouble too – because people assume that my giving will never have an end and will always be there even through disrespect.

I am quiet and reserved, but it often gets mistaken for stupidity and weakness. Some might think I’m unfriendly, I’m not.  

I’m not the average person.

I’m not wooed by materialistic things.  I enjoy to be in solutitde.  When it comes to relationships with others, I value depth, knowledge, emotional intimacy, and connection.

I value proper communication.

I’m intuitive. Even if you don’t tell me something is wrong, I can detect that something IS wrong by your words, tone, response, lack of response, unwillingness to respond, and even your distant energy.

I can feel people better than they can feel themselves.

I can feel people’s pain as if it’s mine. I notice everything.

I am the only one there for myself when no one else is.

Because sometimes being alone in life is better than being surrounded by half-ass people.