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I recently sat in an hour-long church service at my local church on a Wednesday evening. The title of the sermon was “What are you giving up on?”
The sermon referenced Malachi, the last book of the Old Testament in the Bible, Chapter 1 – not just one verse but a myriad of verses. I was attentive during the sermon, until the pastor brought up the issue behind divorce and the Christian sanctity of marriage. I felt like the sermon was a stab in the heart at my entire last four years.
The church was one of the reasons I held on to my toxic marriage as long as I did. Having been raised in the church, I was taught that divorce should never be considered an option. That, in essence, both people should make every valid attempt to make it work.
The woman should be more understanding to the husband.
The husband should exemplify the masculine role in the household.
Never, at any point, are the issues of infidelity, toxic parenting, control, power, financial manipulation and emotional abuse addressed within the church. Certainly, the Bible takes a stance on narcissism, albeit, not in the exact terms of “narcissism”. For 18 years, I sacrificed my well being in efforts to make my marriage work. But eventually, I opted for the challenging path of divorce when I realized that willingness to make a marriage work takes two consensual parties.
It takes both the man, and the woman, to address the flailing issues in the marriage, and change must be initiated from the heart of each person. When one party is unwilling to examine their heart, then the marriage is unrepairable and both parties must make efforts to separate their lives, after being conjoined for a number of years.
I was private about my divorce during the process. I quietly deleted Facebook, Instagram, and disconnected myself from friends and family. I did not post anything about my relationship status publicly on any form of social media because I did not have social media. I focused on myself and my children and never mentioned my ex to anyone who crossed my path.
When the situation became apparent, I received an outpouring of love and support from the very few (and I mean VERY few…) who remained in my life. And for that, I will forever be grateful.
However, several years post-divorce, I often hear of how people just “give up” on their marriage. In the church setting, it’s frequently discussed that those in society today are easy to turn in the towel, give up on the sinking ship, or “give up” on the Christian sanctity of marriage.
While there are people that do treat marriage and divorce casually, I would say that most people go into their marriage filled with hope and ideas of it being a forever union.
Every woman I know who is now divorced has fought like hell to save the marriage before finally deciding to save herself and her kids instead.
At a certain point, I realized that my ship was sinking. I realized that my children and I needed rescuing. So yes – I jumped ship and instead, jumped on a lifeboat – to leave the old life behind and start anew.
I saved myself.
And I saved my children.
I didn’t “quit” my marriage.
If anything, at some point, I realized that I can’t single-handedly make a relationship with another person work unless that other person is willing to put in the effort as well. As a result, I chose myself.
I heard my heart and soul screaming for me to get out. Instead of ignoring my intuition I started to honor my gut instinct that told me that the marriage was not healthy for me and that I needed to do whatever it took to make my life better, as well as the life of my kids. I did not want them to grow up with the perception that marriage is all about giving, and neglecting yourself in the process.
I did not want them to grow up, to repeat the cycle that I had repeated from childhood. While my mother and father were married for 40 years, it was nothing close to a marriage. My father used emotional manipulation, power and control to break my mother down and disempower her from being confident in her ability to make decisions. It was a gradual process – and not something that was wholly visible until I reached my latter teenage years, when I saw my mother become a shell of a person.
Over the years, I realized that I cannot save my partner. He was, very early on in the marriage, no longer my partner when he chose not to fight to keep me or the relationship.
It was at that time, when I took the steps needed toward divorce. No matter the circumstances of the relationship, or how difficult I knew it would be to live without the financial support, I needed to leave. We leave no matter how counterintuitive it is to walk away from something in which we have invested so much of our lives.
We leave, all while grieving what our children will have to experience – being the children of two divorced parents.
No, this is not a matter of “giving up”, and it’s definitely not a matter of quitting. This is, essentially, choosing to accept things as they are and making the choice to life the best life I can going forward.
I knew I had made the right choice when I saw an entirely different person through the divorce process and even thereafter, leading me to ask myself “who IS this person I had once married? This cannot possibly be the same person.” The vindictive, malicious, hateful behavior became worse than I could have ever imagined.
If anything, many of us who have gone through the trials of life to include divorce are frequently identified as the loser, the one who “gave up”, the one who took the “easy route”, the one who is the villain. We are, essentially, proclaimed as the bad person in the story of another all because it’s easier.
And when we choose the long, challenging, emotionally wrenching path of divorce, we often times lose the support of people we long considered family and friends as they choose to believe that we simply “gave up”.
Divorce isn’t ever easy, no matter how it appears from the outside looking in. It changes us in so many ways and essentially, in the end, makes it very difficult for us to live going forward. It makes it challenging to trust others. It affects us financially for years, sometimes the remainder of our lives. It has profound effects on the children, sometimes in the form of psychiatric meds, psychological counseling and poor self image.
We don’t need unsolicited advice about what you think we should do.
We certainly don’t need judgement or commentary about how easily people “give up” or … “quit” their marriage these days.
We don’t need encouragement about how our future relationships need more effort or oversight.
We don’t need a Christian pep talk about how we should give more weight to the sanctity of marriage and make better future choices when it comes to finding a Godly partner.
And no, we don’t need to be told that our children are now living in a “broken” home simply because we are divorced. A toxic marriage of manipulative, emotional abuse, violence and control [aka: lacking love] is just not a recipe for success, nor is it an example of the kind of love God would want for us.
We need a support system to stand by us, and listen to us through the process.
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