I Can’t Think

 

At the end of the day, I realize you’re all I really want. When all the confusion clears and I think about my life, I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather have next to me than you.

You must know that I knew in an instant when I met you that you were what I wanted. You did not just tear down my walls of hurt and mistrust but blew them up with the biggest dynamite sticks ever known to man.

Not only did I find you, but I found myself. There are no words to describe just how much I miss you. Through all the distance, and the pain of absence, and the pain of confusion, being able to know REAL LOVE is worth so much more than anything. I have missed you like crazy for all this time, I have never once stopped thinking about you despite the challenges.

I am convinced, we are two individuals that need to be part of each other’s lives. It is difficult not to have you in my life, not because of anything you did, but because I had a lot of pain, trauma and childhood hurt.

I had a hard time trusting that there is someone out there that can love in the same capacity I have the ability to love.

I had a hard time believing that someone can be honest, and emotionally deep.

I had a hard time accepting that there would be someone out there that would accept me for me.

ONE THING I KNEW from the very first moment I met with you in person was that I always wanted to have you in my life. It is impossible to explain all the things that have happened – from the unbelievable level of energy and peace you provide, the syncs, the thought of you being by my side, and the dreams where you were literally breathing immediately behind my ear.

You truly are my best friend.

It doesn’t matter what you think you are or aren’t – what matters is that you YOU are enough for me. And you always will be. You are enough as you are.

Whenever I am with you, I feel safe, peaceful, at home – cared for, respected and loved. You are the closest thing to comfort I have ever known.

I don’t need anyone to tell me what I feel is real.

There is no way to replace you in my life – there have been intense, powerful, humbling, joyful, healing, beautiful and reassuring feelings that have compounded day after day.

I have never been the same after I met you, and every day that passes, I continue to love you more deeply than the day prior.

But I retreat. Because I don’t think you know what you want. I see the pictures. I see the posts. I know that the love I have can’t be pushed down. I can’t run to anyone else. I will never be able to be with anyone else. I am fucked. You are the only person I crave, desire, and love. But yet you retreat back to where you are comfortable. And it hurts. Because it convinces me that you don’t know what you want. It convinces me that you are wanting to keep the lifestyle and have someone on the side who to fill in when you need someone. My energy is overbearing. Truth is, you are not ready to match my energy. You have fear of the unknown. You don’t want to leave the “stuff”/life you have. You feel an obligation to remain there, and you tell yourself that because I’m here, you can’t leave yet. Truth is, you can. You want the best of both worlds. And to know that I am not a priority is hard to accept.  Because I know what I went through to get to where I am and it was immensely hard. But it was worth it and without the strife of my challenges I would never have grown emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. But I can’t assume everyone is like me. The things of this world don’t light a candle to the love I feel for you. I am hurting. On a massive level.

Despite how hurt I feel, I still love you.

You are loved, deserving, worthy, desirable.

You are so extremely, abundantly and unexplainably loved and cared for despite what you feel on some days. Remember that no worldly person has an opinion strong enough to characterize who you are.

I know you may struggle to believe it at times, but you are worth so much more than you make yourself out to be.

I loved you then. I love you now.

And I will continue to love you for everything that you are. Because at the end of the day, I realize you’re all I really want.