It wasn’t just several years ago that I realized I was with the wrong person. I’d have to go back to 2006 – it was then, that I started to really think about where I was.
Somehow, I was too fearful to leave. I felt a sense of duty to try to work to keep the marriage together – the Christian mentality kicked in. I was expecting our first at the time, and I didn’t particularly want to be a single mother in a large city with a high cost of living.
He must have known how I felt, because he was on the defensive – and continually mentioned that if I was to “leave”, that he would petition for full custody of our daughter for my unwillingness to make things work. Being as naive as I was, I didn’t realize that would never be enough of a reason for the court to take away my child completely. But in another way, it was a small window to what [would] become a much larger issue of control and manipulation through the years.
So I stayed.
But I was not emotionally vested in the marriage. Nor was I vested in him.
It’s challenging to even mention that, because I don’t want to sound void of empathy. I am empathetic – in fact, I’ll foolishly give of myself to the point that I sometimes lose myself in the process. But hearing him make that threat should have been a huge red flag for me at that time.
Unfortunately it wasn’t.
And the red flags continued
It wasn’t long after that, when I returned home from a 2-day work trip to find a new car in our driveway. It wasn’t until I opened the front door that I realized he had purchased a brand new car without consulting me prior. Knowing that I wasn’t cooperative with the concept of car payments, I was flabbergasted as to his eagerness to bypass me entirely and make such a large purchase (unannounced at that). His response said it all..
“Why would I have to ask you? Just because I’m married to you doesn’t mean I have to ask you or talk to you.”
Wondering if that was how all marriages worked or if I was just in a bad situation entirely, I shut down and didn’t respond. Considering I worked in Army recruiting, I was privy to those who were enlisting downtown in Phoenix at the Military Entry Processing Station (MEPS). In most cases, I reviewed educational transcripts prior to enlistments to determine benefit eligibility and military entrance.
A little over 2 years later, when our daughter was just a few years old, I was shocked to find out that my husband had re-affirmed his oath to service with plans to attend special officer training on the East Coast, and once again, failed to consult me. I felt ignored, belittled, and angry, wondering once again, why I was married to someone who had no regard for my input in something that would affect the future of our family.
I was just a few weeks why of having our 2nd child, and it was at that time that he was angry that I was working full time. He tried to make me feel guilty for putting our oldest child in daycare, indicating that it was my job to care for the child. Likewise, he wanted me to leave my position at my work, after all, he was leaving for the Army and I needed to care for the kids.
I wasn’t on board with leaving, but I felt a tremendous guilt – looking back, he knew that he could manipulate me through guilting me about our children and he did so very easily. I left my government position, and when I resigned, I lost that future retirement match and opportunity to advance in my career.
I was now a stay at home mom
At the time, that was a scary place .. to realize that you were now dependent on someone who had no interest in helping you be the person you truly had the opportunity to be. Moreover, someone who didn’t respect you as a partner in the marriage. Looking back now, that was a blessing in disguise. That is what helped me pave the way to self employment, to gaining my independence back, and working towards something I would later find crucial in my attempt at self preservation.
Over the next few years, I came to realize that there are likely many women who give up their careers to care for their children. While that is a sacrifice in and of itself, many of these women follow behind men who carefully manipulate their wife to achieve that goal – pulling their wife away from their income stream so as to have that power and control over them as the future progresses.
After all, without a job, there is no income, potentially an absence of insurance, and no future savings vehicles for retirement. Without an income, they are financially dependent on their husband. For men, that’s a free ticket to guaranteed child care, house cleaning, and on-demand sex that they know isn’t likely to go away, especially considering the wife has no way out.
In my case, it was a free ticket to allow him to work late, go out with co-workers, and involve himself with emotional and physical intimacy with women that he worked with daily. All while I was at home, caring for the household and the kids in a way that should have been a partnership.
Looking back, the signs were, many times, obvious. I just wanted to see only the good or ignore them wholly.
So how do you know if you are with the wrong person?
- Be honest with yourself. Trust your gut instinct on this one. No amount of internet articles or self help books can reassure you enough to make up for the courage you need to admit that you are just wasting your time with someone who isn’t good for you.
- Have a tough conversation with them. Perhaps your partner doesn’t know how his actions are affecting you. Then again, perhaps they do know, and they are covertly manipulative in their efforts to degrade you. Be honest with them, and at least try to initiate the discussion. If they truly care about you and your relationship future, they will make an effort to address the issues at hand and improve upon them in a way that helps both of you feel loved and heard.
- See what they present to you. Stop making excuses for your partner, and make every attempt to see both the good and the bad. A true indicator of their spirit lies within their words and actions.
If you are able to truly sit down and have an honest conversation, both with yourself and your partner, you will be one step further in the right direction to try to figure out where your relationship is headed.
If you don’t take the time to truly self reflect and ask yourself the difficult questions, you are likely to spend countless years navigating an unhappy marriage that may set you up for failure as time progresses.
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