Hindsight 20/20

It’s just after midnight as I’m sitting in my dimly lit kitchen, listening to my children snore as the television continues to play Hells Kitchen.

A loaf of coconut chai sourdough bread has just been pulled from the oven and the house smells of this fresh-baked goodness. My fingers, tap on the keyboard, one after the other – as my thoughts come together.

Somehow, the thought of a lighthouse comes to mind.

You may ask yourself what a lighthouse has to do with a long, drawn-out letter about divorce and bubbles, and I don’t blame you. Off the bat, a lighthouse really doesn’t relate to divorce or bubbles at all.

Unless, you’re in my head and in that case, all three totally tie together.

A lighthouse.

Divorce.

And, one really, really big bubble.

The question is, have you ever been married? I have.

I was married for 18 years, and for most of that time, I was in a bubble. A really big, big bubble.

I wasn’t in love, nor was I hooked. He was not “the best”, and to be quite honest, I never felt like it was anything remotely close to a marriage.

Looking back, I’m not even sure what prompted me to get married. Hindsight 20/20… I think it was because that what we, as society, feel like it’s the natural progression of our lives – and just what people do.  It’s the American path: graduate, go to college, get married, have kids – and voila – somehow, it all “should” come together.

Should being the key word.

But does it? Does it ever really come together?

I suppose for some it comes together. For others… it’s the start of a massive drift. Like a piece of ice that breaks off of a larger glacier, off the northern shores of Alaska. Imagine, being on that tiny piece of ice with nothing but a paddle. Cold water all around, you’re paddling. But you never really get to where you are going.

That… was my marriage.

If anything, it was transactional.  I was clearly a figure in someone’s life that served a purpose – house cleaner, child rearer, chauffeur, cook, and fix everything else that needed fixing. I was a mother for a man who clearly was old enough to be a man, but didn’t want to be a man – instead, wanted a mother figure to replace the mother that he moved away from several years ago.

In essence… he wanted someone to clean up after him, fix stuff so he didn’t have to, clean the house, cook food, and do those things that [in his mind] are the role of the woman. Certainly, it’s 2023. I thought that this gender stereotype had long passed when women rose to the challenges of the workforce in the late 70’s. But no – clearly that stereotype still exists. It may not exist in every household, but it clearly existed in his culture.

Don’t get me wrong – I love doing stuff for people. I dream of a relationship where I can take care of someone I care about deeply. But the difference from where I was versus where I hope to be one day is one thing: I want to be a wife. I want to be someone’s love.  I crave that respect, that place in someone’s life where they say “See this gal? She is my wife. My life partner. My best friend. My biggest love.”

What I wasn’t, at any point in that 18 years, was a wife, or even partner in marriage. Clearly, I was not his best friend. I was just there. I existed to serve. I was a roommate who did things in a house that I didn’t feel was fully mine despite a mortgage payment.

And it took me getting out of this bubble for me to see how toxic this bubble was.

The more I stepped away from this bubble, the more I was horrified at what went on IN the bubble. 

In fact, it was just days into a nasty divorce that I discovered that this person was not even close to the person I once married.

This happens to everyone who ends a relationship this way. Without exceptions. There’s a popular song, sang by Drake, that conveys that very feeling:

“Our relationship changed, that or it never existed”

Those eight words seem to fitting for the 18 year bubble I lived in. When things turn, people change to a point of no recognition. It’s just far too expensive to think any other way.

One day you wake up and you can’t “not see it”.

People around you might tell you that you’re in an unhealthy place, but until you step back and wipe the gunk off your eyes, you might not see just how unhealthy it is.

You don’t see it because you’re in it.

But the day you do see it… there’s no “unseeing” it.

He was not “the one”. He was far from that person.  At some point, before that divorce, things will smack you right int he face.

And when they do, they’ll really smack you. 

Red flags started popping up in both good and bad memories and I began, at that point, to question myself in my head.  “Wait… why are we even married?” I explored a litany of things in our marriage – we could not have been less compatible if we tried. We were opposites in almost every single way. We never agreed on spending money, weed activities, food, humor, vacation destinations, personal beliefs, politics, or even work ethic.

The turn of events was so gradual, looking back, it’s no wonder how I lasted 18 years without seeing, or, acting on, those red flags. When you finally see the red flags, and take action in a way that you see things turn, then people change to a point of no recognition – it’s far too expensive to think about it any other way.

Looking back, there is an absence of feeling good about any good memories or times that we actually shared each other’s company. That, essentially, is because we never shared each other’s company; as odd as that may sound, we did not spend time together.

So why, then, did we get married in the first place?

Why didn’t I have second thoughts 18 years ago?

These are just a few of many long, unanswered questions I have in my brain as I look back in hindsight.

As a child and young adult, I had nobody advising me on this front. I had a good school, decent friends, and parents that were semi-involved, but there was nobody in my life that would really discuss marriage or relationships with me. Perhaps I should have taken more initiative also. But, then, I just did what I thought you were supposed to do – get married pretty young.

You’re essentially living in a bubble. And when you are in this bubble, you have a tendency to see with a limited vision – a distorted vision almost.  Stepping out of the bubble is unimaginable… that bubble cannot break! If you are Christian, then you’re faced with those on the outside throwing in their affirmations:

• “Marriage IS hard! It’s not supposed to be easy!”
• “Marriage isn’t always perfect. Be the better person, your spouse will see your effort.”
• “Don’t ever give up on eachother! A perfect marriage doesn’t exist! There will be many perfect moments as long as you support each other!”

But… what the Biblical affirmations don’t take into consideration is the spouse that is unwilling to change. The spouse that is insistive that they are not at fault! They are not toxic! The church at times fails to see the manipulative, vindictive behavior that comes from the spouse who uses power and control to make it impossible for you to leave.

Then, other times, the church fails to see the financial abuse that the spouse holds over your head as a way to suppress you in the relationship and prevent you from being who you were meant to be.

A toxic relationship never gets better. It does get worse with time. But because so few see the toxicity that happens behind closed doors, they insist that you can do more, give more and be more and things will magically work themselves out.

Truth is – they won’t.  

Things started dawning on me as I got older, and I tried to fix things as they came up but the best approach is to never be in that kind of relationship in the first place. But sometimes we need to learn the hard way – it wouldn’t be the first time.

More often than not, when things come to an end, they never really go as planned. One should never assume that things will go as planned – the longer you postpone your departure, the more likelihood things will end abruptly, messy, and emotionally damaging.

What I did lose in the 18 year relationship cannot even come close to the stability, comfort and peace of mind I have gained since my departure. The best thing you can do is be a lighthouse: stay sturdy through the storm and shine a path to guide yourself through the dark times.

One of the most famous lighthouse photographs in the world is this photograph, above.

In this video, the lighthouse keeper of “La Jument”, Theodore Malgorne, is frightened and waiting for rescuers to remove him and his co-workers from the life threatening situation of this massive storm.

He hears the sound of a helicopter and opens the door thinking that it is his rescue party. But… instead of a rescue party, it is Jean Guichard – a photographer, who is on site to capture images of the waves and the very dangerous storm.

The moral of the story: be the lighthouse.  Continue to keep your focus, have faith that things will work out and cut ties with anyone who takes your vision away from you.

Nothing replaces the productivity that comes from a peaceful mind. Sometimes, the choice we make may be unpopular, challenging, and downright messy – but that’s life. Find your own love and inner strength to guide yourself through your own hard times, for it is that love and strength that can serve as a beacon of light.

A lighthouse symbolizes strength, safety, and resilience.

Everyone, at one time or another, needs a beacon of light to guide them through the fog and darkness of life.