Happiness After Chaos

I don’t know if or how often other people do this, but after spending 18 [naive] years in a toxic relationship, I had a challenging time accepting that I had no business being where I was, for so long.

There is a misconception after leaving a toxic relationship/partner, that happiness will immediately follow. Leaving my relationship was perhaps the best decision I could have ever made, but the road that followed was laid with large boulders, small boulders, quick sand, indecisiveness and a lot of emotions.

Everyone is different when it comes to healing after toxicity. Although from the outside, it may appear that someone is hanging in there or doing okay, it could (and likely is) very much the opposite. Social media plays a relatively negative role in that aspect – it may capture the outside, but it will never, I repeat, never capture how people truly feel on the inside.

When I was in my early 20’s, I got married to a very manipulative, toxic man. I knew something was off – but being so young and having wed so early, I was in denial. I told myself I was fine and that him being “him” wasn’t changing me.

The reality is that every part of my life was affected by this man. Over the years, I lost self confidence. My work performance suffered because every attempt at getting better professionally came to a halt. I had difficulty sleeping at night due to constant stress and anxiety (which follows me now, 15+ years later). My friendships also suffered until eventually, I slowly cut/removed friends and also family out of my life due to his requests.

Eventually, that compounded on my health. I had a tumor in my ovaries after my first child that required surgical removal and an 8 week bed rest. However, because I was the primary parent and “caretaker” of all that happened at home, that tumor removal went on hold. And now, 15 years later, that tumor is still there, and growing and now that I don’t have insurance or the ability to ‘stop’ being a single parent, surgery likely won’t happen.

An avid runner, I kept myself fit with marathons and half marathons when I could, followed by 5 and 10K road races, taking my small children in jogger strollers instead of not being able to go. But eventually he complained about the running and so that stopped too – and the pounds started to pile on until I was 35+ pounds heavier than I was prior to kid.

When I look back now, years later, I was horrified that I ever tolerated such an unhealthy and toxic relationship.

There was not a single beneficial element that my ex contributed to my life. It took a long, long time, but with the experience in my past, I can now recognize how much I downplayed the severity of his toxic actions.

What were the signs that I was in a toxic relationship?

We tolerate toxicity for a variety of reasons but mainly because we may not be self aware enough to realize what’s going on, perhaps we have low self esteem, or lastly, we don’t have a good grip on our own emotions – which creates wiggle room for a potentially abusive relationship.

And abuse isn’t just physical.

Abuse can be emotional or psychological.

So what are some of the signs of a toxic relationship?

When I look back to my marriage, all six of these stick out like red flags.

1. The scorecard – when the relationship ends up in a battle of “who screwed up the most” so “who is indebted to the other”. That deflects the current issue by focusing on previous wrongs, while using guilt to manipulate your partner to feel bad in the present moment.
2. Passive Aggressive – instead of saying what’s bothering you out loud, instead you dropping hints … it’s a small and petty way to make your partner upset, which in turn allows you to complain.
3. Holding someone hostage – using blackmail or criticism to threaten the commitment of the other person… which in turn creates unnecessary drama.
4. Blaming the other person for your feelings – blaming someone else for your emotions creates resentment. Nobody’s life should revolve around a partner’s well being, as it will create resentment.
5. Buying off the relationship – you can’t cover up real martial issues with superficial pleasures (trips, stuff, material items). My parents were amazing at doing this – – Deal with the issues together on an honest level through discussion, time spent together, etc. But avoid throwing an ATM card at the problems (as in a trip, cruise, fancy dinner) as that doesn’t give either party the incentive to be accountable for their actions.
6. Controlling jealousy – rather than just loving normally, controlling jealousy shows a lack of trust between partners. It also creates drama that’s unnecessary, while being demeaning to the parties involved. You can’t love someone who controls and manipulates.

So how do you experience growth after a toxic relationship? Is it even possible?

The answer is yes – it is possible. You will be able to reflect clearly on how unhealthy the person was for you. The beginning will not be easy by any means. There will be days, weeks and even years after that you will experience different struggles. But eventually, there will be a shift – you will reach a point that you will realize the journey was all worth it.

You will be able to list the qualities you would like to find in a future partner. In addition, you will be able to reflect on how to better protect yourself from future manipulation.

Most importantly, give yourself time to heal, let go, and forgive. Forgiving someone toxic doesn’t mean you condone or accept their behavior. If you are or were in a relationship with a narcissist, the best thing you can do is go no-contact. While that’s challenging with children, it definitely is possible (I’m living proof!)