From the moment I met you, I felt a sense of comfort and security in my life. You affected me – emotionally, physically, mentally – it is overwhelming.
It still is. Even in silence, and despite being miles away, you still bring meaning to every single day in my life.
You helped me grow in my faith. And as a result, I started to see things from a different perspective. I sought a deeper integrity within myself.
Every day I wake up with a renewed hope, uplifted spirit, and inspiration for life – and it’s due in part largely to having you in the back of my mind as the day progresses.
The love I feel for you is more than intense. It’s also painful. Such an intense love towards someone who may never be mine makes me question, in all honesty, what true integrity really is. Why pursue it, especially if it’s bound to cause so much pain to ourselves and others.
In reality, we should seek to align with is something that fills us with LOVE, even if it seems elusive and unattainable.
Or shall we settle – with a life that is passable, and comes with the benefit of security, partnership, yet leaves us feeling mediocre in terms of spiritual growth and emotional fulfillment.
Meeting you, as amazing as it was, often led me to a state of impossibility – the changes required seem, at times, almost unattainable. You are…. committed. And more than likely, you are not willing or eager to break that commitment purely for the sake of someone who loves you so hard. Instead of pursuing the call to become who you are meant to be (which would likely include pursuing this experience), you return to a life, a relationship, that is lacking in love – no matter how codependent that relationship may seem to be.
It’s challenging for me – because it makes me question whether the emotions and love that I feel are even felt the same way back. At one point, it was easy to place my hope on you to leave your current situation. Perhaps you are not holding onto it out of integrity but out of a duty to care-take, or perhaps out of guilt. Perhaps you are holding onto it because it would be a shame to throw away the years spent, thus far, together.
We work tirelessly
Living a life of integrity often time means we live our lives trying to be “good” – striving for what the outside world tells us we should be.
We work tirelessly to please those around us at the expense of our own values and feelings. Instead, we should strive to find out who we are from the inside, and from there, work our way out.
The connection I had with you stirred up so many issues in my life. At the beginning, it was impossible to keep my feelings going, it kept me in limbo – knowing where my energy truly lay, I was deceiving myself by remaining in limbo where I was and had been, for many long years.
It was almost impossible to be where I was – a miserable relationship, and have to try to block the energy that was very well nourishing and inspiring me to be more, give more of myself to humanity, and to God himself.
Leaving where I was
For me personally, I felt an immediate need to leave my current relationship. My marriage had been a mess for a significant number of years – lacking in love, void of respect, and very much a marriage of complacency. My marriage had been falling apart and I had put my failing marriage ahead of my faith and my relationship with God.
God knew that I would either continue to reject him or end up dead – if not physically and psychologically, then spiritually. I had, for years, made attempts to salvage what society regards as a lifelong institution (marriage). But deep down in my heart, our lives and values were vastly different. I knew, then, that I was unable to truly love and accept myself. In the final years of my marriage, the pull to find the real me was incredibly strong – such is the conflict and turmoil that I was dealing with on a daily basis.
I was in a marriage that was a low vibrational match. I didn’t wake up with a feeling of renewed purpose, nor was I inspired by the very person that inhabited a home with me. His lack of respect, and his repeated affairs were a deliberate attempt to destroy my inner self confidence. It’s very challenging to describe – but it’s a stifling, suffocating feeling.
It was then, that I realized that I needed to pursue the truth of my heart, regardless of the impact on my marriage.
I, in good faith, could not remain where I was knowing that my heart was with someone else.
Everything about my separation seemed so difficult. I had no idea where to start, and I was fearful of my ability to forge my own path. I started making self-loving decisions and over time, I was able to heed my own internal guidance.
I found myself speaking my mind, and not holding back what I really needed to say – in turn, I became more empowered – as much as It created conflict. I could not stand being in the same room as my husband – his low vibration was suffocating me, draining me slowly each day.
One day, I simply told my husband my desire to separate. For the first time in 18 years, I felt very peaceful and confident about my decision.
In the weeks that followed, his demeanor was that of vengeance, aggression, violence and spiteful, hateful words. Despite his reaction, I knew I had to take these steps for myself, regardless of what would follow in the months to come.
Over the next few months, the situation at home became terrifying – I practiced patience, as well as the ability to wall off frustration. God gave me the courage to wake up every day and focus on my children, and over time, he made it very clear that not only was the decision to end my marriage the right path, it was part of something much bigger that he had planned for me.
The soul does not make mistakes. It knows the path it wants to follow.
Meeting a real, true love causes ultimate upheaval in every area of our lives. It’s not like any normal relationship – it is an entirely different experience that words cannot accurately describe. The awakening we experience causes our vibration and energy to jump – we are now accurately aware of the suppression we have been under for the years prior.
No longer can you align with where you once were. Staying in the old relationship seems far fetched. Every second that goes by, you feel a pressure to follow a greater calling, a bigger energy. Some may leave their current situation, because to stay in their lifeless, soul crushing relationship becomes more of an impossibility with each passing day. But others may find themselves drawn back to their suffocating relationship – not because they don’t love their twin, but because they feel disappointed that they hurt their partner and surrounding family members. Our suffocating relationship may not meet our emotional needs, and we may not be happy, but we are comfortable, and protected as we try to do what society regards as the “right thing” – remaining with the person we took a vow to stay with for the rest of our life.
This is an old pattern of energy, and is essentially a form of resistance to change. A resistance to our own personal growth. Upon our return and newfound commitment to our partner, the marriage may seem to improve – things may start to flow in ways it never did before, not because our spouse changed but because our perception changed – which, in turn, affected the entire dynamic. Things may never be what they once were, but they’re safe and comfortable – it doesn’t require us to be completely vulnerable, nor does it require us to face our fears and commit parts of ourselves to our personal growth and transformation.
It’s what is easy
While it might be easy, it’s not where our soul wants to remain. We find ourselves thinking about our twin – where they might be, who they might be with, and how we ended up in this predicament. They are still heavy in our heart – we joy to hear their voice and crave for their touch. Their energy is what we need to quench our frustrations and help us heal. We may even feel their pain, sleeplessness, and frustrations.
If you are me, you may even find the most torturous of pain in your heart when you see them giving themselves to someone else. The impact of those emotions and feelings is challenging to describe – it also cannot be ignored, and the connection with this person cannot simply just be “cut off” or undone.
It becomes more challenging over time
For some, they will realize that this special person will always be part of their life, no matter how much they try to push down the feelings and deny the connection.
These people will always try to find a way to include this beloved person in their day to day life – cards, care packages, pictures, letters.. The other person may continue to deny the connection out of fear, uncertainty, and confusion. They may not have plans to leave their current situation because it doesn’t feel right – or perhaps because they have a house and children to consider in the equation.
This person may suppress their feelings out of guilt, and responsibility to their spouse. Deep down, they want to reach out to their love, but they don’t know what to say, and they find themselves frustrated with not being able to communicate the way that they know they need to. They may be afraid to even admit that this connection is what they perceive it to be, and yet they still may feel stuck.
Instead of addressing their feelings head-on, they choose to push them down and stuff them away from others who may not understand. They spend more time away from home — perhaps they throw themselves into work, and religion, or studies to fill their mind space. Sex becomes a struggle, and their body starts to undergo health issues – stomach problems, headaches, back and neck pain – all of which are a reflection of their emotional struggle. Their love occupies the heart space that they refuse to visit, and their creativity leaves with their twin – so now they find themselves trapped in their head space.
Which is a very dangerous place to be. The head space creates scenarios to keep you from moving forward:
- you start to believe that your love is better without you
- your love may have found someone else to replace you
- your love is not thinking about you
- you are not worthy of the love that you’ve experienced up until now
- you’ll never be with your love because the situation seems to complex to even bring together
You obsess over these scenarios and fill your mind space with things that will make you doubt the connection. But deep down, you know that what you feel is real, pure, love and happiness. You know you should be really honest about ending your relationship with your partner, but you hold yourself back because of your long, shared history (no matter how unhappy or unfulfilling). You feel like you owe it to your partner to make it work.
Perhaps you’ve tried to leave in the past and instead of understanding and kind compassion you received threats and emotional outbursts.
But aside from all of that, you feel disappointment that you have let your love down. So the situation continues – your love so desperately wants you in their live, but due to your circumstances and situation, you run. You haven’t given up on your love. But you are in limbo – you want this love and crave this love so desperately, but you aren’t ready or willing to bust out of the obligations that are holding you back.
A deliberate disconnect
Whether it be one year or many years, at this point, both you and your love understand that each of you will always carry the energy of each other with you throughout your day. Your love is a huge part of who you are.
By disconnecting, albeit deliberately, from that which you feel deep down within your soul, you’re creating a divide within yourself.
You know that your spouse will never be able to return the level of energy and unconditional love that your twin does. It will never be as full of emotion, as deep, as intimate, as spiritual, as God fearing. You are in a dilemma – to continue to remain in a contractual agreement where you are giving yourself away in pieces to a partner in whom your soul doesn’t rest.
Or, to move forward, and take a courageous step – despite your comfortability, your fear, your feelings of confusion, betrayal, loss…. perhaps insecurity, fear of financial inability to survive. It is at this time that you must follow your gut instinct and look to God for guidance and direction. There are never any guarantees in life – making a vow to re-commit to your marriage may not result in an unhappy marriage changing for the better. It is also possible that moving forward with your true love may not equate to a compatible lifelong relationship – it is a choice that both of you must make.
Behind all of this, however, is the reality of real, pure love. We don’t meet people by chance; everyone is meant to cross our path for a reason.
Is your twin the person that is first on your mind when you wake up in the morning? Are they the one you envision waking up next to for the rest of your life? Are they the one with forever in their eyes. It is not a mistake that people who up in your reality.
God places people in our lives to help draw us closer to Him and grow in faith, which will in turn help us grow into a better version of ourselves. Why settle for less? Ask yourself if you really want to deny yourself the opportunity of real, pure love – or if you want to take the safer, more comfortable route of an incompatible marriage that leaves you soul unfulfilled.
So many people remain in unfulfilling relationships due to obligation and fear of the unknown. Personal growth requires sacrifices and action, and it is here that many of us fall short. To “give it all” requires we step out of our comfort zone to follow the path your soul is telling you is to accept the truth of who you are and what you are looking for in your life. It is when this personal growth happens that you feel unable to mix your energy with those who do not love, know and match that very same energy and accept that of which you know you deserve.
To reach new levels of personal growth expands your energy and renews your focus. No longer are you able to take part in
Once you separate yourself from the institution, you’ll start to uncover just how deeply you can love. You’ll learn what love feels like when it shines its light on all the parts of you – including those pieces of you that have been hidden for so long. You may continue to love your twin but your twin may still be caught up in their past, in a situation of lower vibration that, until resolved, cannot be rushed.
Only God knows.
He has a greater plan to you. Look to him for guidance in your daily prayers and ask him to help bring you closer to Him in actions, in daily prayer and in scripture as you work on learning just how deeply you can love.
Once you came into my life, I could not find alignment with the life I once had. Returning to that would be intoxicating – staying in that old, destructive relationship pattern became unbearable. Every second I felt the pull to satisfy the deepest part of my soul. Certainly, I could have stayed…out of fear, comfort, and security. I could have looked at the 18 years and opted to stay purely because not to would have identified those 18 years as wasted time.
But had I stayed, moods, anger and unhappiness would have been the norm. Staying in a toxic relationship causes mental strain and stress that contributes to to anxiety and stress disorders. And stress can affect your long term health and even your life span.
Leave a Reply