Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

 

The ironic thing is, you don’t have to be by yourself, or single, to feel lonely.

Many people assume that if you are married, or dating, that you will never feel lonely. Unfortunately, many people eventually may discover that spending time with the wrong person, or being in the wrong relationship, can lead you to feeling empty and lonely, too.

If that relationship you have isn’t the right fit for you..

Or if that person abuses you mentally, physically, emotionally, or withholds things from you, then time spent with that person is not the enriching, inspiring, uplifting experience that it should be.

In a way, being in that type of situation can prevent you from growing as a person. You may find yourself feeling more inferior, and you may try to be more accommodating to encourage them to treat you differently (ie gain attention or approval).

You will twist yourself silly just trying to get any positivity from them in the form of approval.

This, in general, can lead to extreme loneliness. Then, eventually, you will wonder if the relationship was really a struggle, if it was due to things you did, and lead you to question the entire relationship in general. It’ll make you question yourself. You’ll soon start blaming yourself for the marriage or relationship not being what you need or thought it would be.

Why is it so hard to leave?

Leaving a relationship where you feel like the only “key” player, or with someone who makes you feel like the only key player can be ever so challenging. On the outside, it may appear as if you and your partner/spouse have it all together.

However, most people may not even be aware of the inner turmoil going on in your life that makes it so hard to quit.

Perhaps you have known this person for years – you grew up with this person, you have shared memories from the past. You may feel obligated to give them a second or third chance just to be fair. You may do it out of obligation of your duties as a spouse – if you are a husband, you feel a certain level of duty to keep your marriage together. You may also cling to the fact that one day, they may change and so leaving now would be a terrible thing, because you’ll lose everything that you could have had, especially if your spouse changes for the better.

It might be hard to leave because you’re not where you are financially. My ex husband was very unhappy in our marriage but sought out affair partners as his temporary fix… all because:

He didn’t want to risk the financial implications of divorce

He didn’t want to pay child support

He didn’t want to “start over” at the age of 41

He did not want to lose the wife [MOTHER], me, he had caring for him and his kids at home – ie. cooking, cleaning, laundry, because those things were not his duty or responsibility.

He stayed because of money. His life was based on material items. Those things don’t travel to the grave though on your last dying days. He chose to be unfaithful because that way, he could get his needs met, yet still have everything taken care of at home., without the financial implications that come with divorce.

Money comes and goes…. your priority should be your inner happiness and peace.

For others… those reasons might be similar. Others can also be unwilling to leave for many additional reasons:

1. Fear… you’re afraid of making a mistake – regretting it later, essentially. You might also be afraid it will ruin your children’s life. You may also fear that you will hurt your spouse – perhaps she is a good woman, but you just can’t get along.  You fear the loss that may come with divorce – the hurt you’ll experience from in laws, family, and friends… and if you are the one initiating the divorce, you fear the blame – they’ll see her as the victim, and you as the bad guy. Nobody wants to be the bad guy – especially men.
2. Guilt.. perhaps you feel guilty that you didn’t try hard enough, because you vowed to keep your marriage and you don’t want to let yourself or others down. If you had an affair, you may feel guilty because of that, or maybe you feel guilt because you regret your hurtful actions – you may not realize just how destructive they were.
3. Finances… face it, divorce can be expensive, and it may be a challenging thing to accept that your finances will take a sharp dive. If you are struggling on two incomes now, you may not be so sure how living on one will work.
4. Religion .. this was a big one for me. In some ways, religion may play a huge part, sometimes we feel guilt to our creator, God, for wanting to pursue a divorce thinking that we are not entitled to happiness or care in our marriage. So we stay and work it out admit the absence of those essential needs.
5. We hope it will improve…in essence, you ignore the issues, and tell yourself you’re just trying to make the best of a bad situation. You hope your spouse or things will change for the better, or you blame yourself for their unwillingness to make the changes required to make it work. Deep down, you hope for change, because you feel a sense of obligation to your spouse and family.

Lastly, you tell yourself that things aren’t that bad – I did that, for 15 years. I was comfortable with the familiar, even though it was toxic. I told myself that if I tried more, did more, exerted more effort, it would be “okay”. No, I was not happy but I was not willing to disrupt the COMFORT of a toxic marriage, for something far better – personal growth, and self love.

In my situation, it came down to fear of the unknown. Fear of having to do things by myself, fear of losing finances, and fear of being uncomfortable.

However, the only way to achieve personal growth is by going outside of your comfort zone. You cannot grow as a person if you are not exposed to new, life challenging experiences that shape and mold the person you are.

Love yourself – do what your heart calls

It may be hard to leave a relationship behind. However, your first obligation is to your mental and psychological well being. Treat yourself with the same care you would show to your loved ones – family and friends.

If your partner has, up until now, left you feeling lonely, misunderstood, unseen or sad on an ongoing daily basis, you can guarantee that that will eventually continue. While people can change, most people won’t chance, unless they recognize their actions and take a good look at how their actions have affected those around them.

Many people struggle with self reflection because to self reflect is to admit that we have failed in some area in our lives and that there is room for improvement.

Freeing yourself from an unhealthy situation is an act of self-love that must be taken.

Enjoy your own company

When you spend time by yourself, you will learn to become empowered – no longer will you find the need to depend on the opinions or approval of others to validate your every day life choices. Nor will you require other people’s approval for the basis if your self esteem.

Being alone helps you self reflect without the influences of the outside world… you’ll come to have faith in your own judgement and actions, without depending on the opinions of others.  Time spent alone in solitude and self reflection is worlds better than being with someone who makes you feel inferior, unseen, unheard, or hollow.

It’s painful, considering divorce. It was for me. And sometimes, it’s easier to accept the way things are. But how long will that work?