Fake It

Fake it ’till you make it…doesn’t work in a marriage.

Wives use husbands.

Husbands use wives.

A marriage that has any kind of infidelity isn’t a loving marriage. It’s a marriage of convenience.

Women will often times use men for money, or stability, protection, security or .. even image.

Men can and will do the same – they will also use women for security (especially if she makes more money), image, and status.

Oftentimes, after being with the same person for years, you get comfortable with the lifestyle you have. It’s not that you love the person you are with [especially if you have been unfaithful!] – it’s just that you are scared.

You are scared to start fresh.

You are scared of losing the financial security.

You are scared of tarnishing your image.

You are scared of what family and friends will say.

You are scared of the unknown. 

You are scared that you may end up alone.

Or.. you are scared that you can’t do better.

So you reason with yourself…

• Well… we have been together since our early 20’s…
• Well…. she did throw me a huge birthday party…
• Well, he does do this for me….
• Well, he’s not amazing but he’s not all “that” bad…
• Well… she’s actually a good mom (or, he’s actually a good dad)

You get the point – it’s all material based.

Status quo.

Sometimes, you cling to the hope that things will miraculously go back to the way they were when you first met and things were good, fresh, new. Living long enough and knowing enough people, I’m here to say – that never happens.

It might happen for a short, brief period. But it won’t stick. Once things go bad, they stay bad.

Sure, briefly you can force it and be happy, temporarily – however, it’s always usually short-lived.

If one person has been unfaithful in the marriage, then that person does not love their spouse. And more than likely, the spouse does not love that person either.

You can’t cheat on someone and yet profess your love for them.

And if you have been cheated on, you cannot accept being treat like a doormat from the one you love.

Love does not allow that. 

Unless of course both of you are worried about your image. What will friends say? What will family say? Good glory, we can’t have that! We have to show that we are a happy couple without problems!

So one spouse usually starts a massive social media frenzy of happy couple pictures.

Which may, to those on the outside, very surface level happy. But those of us who are deeper, and more insightful, know that this is a cover-up for a larger, deeply rooted problem.

On the bright side, it’s only a matter of time before the relationship is over. One or both will have had enough and call it quits. You can “fake it” — and play happy… suddenly trying to magically fix it.

But it won’t truly work.

If you have to tell your spouse how you should be loved, then it’s doomed at that point. It’s a miserable life and you can only choose misery for so long. It will catch up to you and you will want better for yourself.

Chances are, you don’t want to leave [yet] because you have. your fears..

Perhaps you are insecure and you don’t think you deserve better

Perhaps… you suddenly have an epiphany and realize the err of your ways and suddenly claim to have changed your heart (<<<insert sarcasm here…>>>)

You can’t suddenly change your heart in one day after a multi-year affair.

Perhaps… you are like the rest of society and you are too latched onto what “things” you would lose (money, house, vehicles, etc) and so you continue to accept a substandard relationship for “stuff”

It could be one week, one month, one year or one decade – but it will not be happily ever after.

No matter how many social media posts you conjure up to proclaim your happy family..

No matter how much you continue to lie to yourself about everything being “okay”…

No matter how many excuses you tell yourself or how many discussions you have in your head about why it’s probably “better” to stay…

The truth is, you were unfaithful. 

And you were unfaithful for a reason.

You can’t take that back.

My ex husband was unfaithful. He did not and could not love. For him, love was control, power, and validation. By cheating, he felt important. Cheating helped him feel wanted, needed and special.

I stayed. And I’ll admit, all the social media posts were nothing but a mask to cover up how I really felt. I did not love him. I did not stay with him out of love or compassion. I stayed because of image, finances and my Christian obligation.

But looking back, those were all. poor and highly inadequate reasons to stay.

And one day, I realized I was not going to lie to myself anymore. I knew my heart and my heart was NOT with him.

Fake it until you make it doesn’t work in a marriage.