The moment I saw you, I was done. I followed you so intently. I was so fascinated by everything you did, your witty humor, your faith, you. I never even saw you, but I LOVED you. So much more than you will ever understand. Before I even knew your sister passed, I felt like you were in a massive amount of pain. I reached out to you because I felt like that’s what I needed to do.
You were deep in grief at that time. I felt that grief so hard, even though I’m not you and I hadn’t met your sister. I wanted to do something so desperately to help you through that pain. But I knew I couldn’t… just send you my condolences.
Over time, I grew even more fascinated by you. There were so many things that I saw in you – things that you don’t probably see in yourself. You have a great personality, you’re so creative, you worked hard… you ran your own business and did it successfully.
You were always so positive, adventurous, and even more – you loved nature. To find someone who can stare for hours at the grass blowing in the wind or find that one flower in the midst of a sea of gravel or desert is mind blowing. I felt like I had met another version of myself, in the opposite sex.
When you started talking to me, I was overwhelmed with emotion. You liked a lot of the same things I did, and you endured many of the same things I had as well – childhood trauma, a challenging upbringing, and a high level of empathy (that often times is a target for attracting manipulative people). For the first time in my life, I felt like I met someone who understood me completely, and someone I could open up to.
I was and still am so in love with you – but then I’m reminded that that you’re a love that I might never have the opportunity to be with or see again. Imagine, spending several years, and the remainder of your life secretly being in love with someone that you may not ever have. Losing the love of your life and never finding peace. That is my life.
I think about you every day – there’s never a second of the day that I’m not thinking about the things that you are doing, or the things that are going through your mind. You made me question everything I’ve known. Feeling your love made me realize that I haven’t known real love, and it frustrates me to know that you are the ONLY real love I have had and I may never have you.
You are the once-in-a-lifetime love that only exists in fairytales.
You are always in my heart. I try, many days, to shove it away. I am so hurt to see you attend concerts, trips, with others that are in your life, so I withdraw, isolate, and cut myself off. I feel so hurt. You have no idea the pain that stabs my chest when I see you in love with someone else.
I pretend that seeing those posts doesn’t bother me, I deny your existence, but it never works.
The love I have for you never fades. It always resurfaces. It’s hard to deal with the depth of the emotions I have when I think about you all the time. If I didn’t love you the way I do, seeing you with others wouldn’t hurt or be so painful. But it is.
Pure pain, absolute torture.
I blame myself for not being enough, when I know I have given everything and more. I blame myself for isolating, for not respecting your situation. You may not always respond, you isolate for long periods of time, and you can try to deny your feelings because of your situation – but even in your absence, you still continue to inspire me, motivate, and encourage me in ways you will never quite understand. My faith has deepened. My prayer life has expounded. I have scars that are resurfacing that are triggering emotional wounds that I need to heal.
I do not want anyone or anything else as bad as I want you. I fell in love hard , harder and I know you feel it too. I still am. All this time later I am STILL in love with you, even more than the beginning.
You may be scared but so am I , I have many doubts and am scared you’ll walk away and lose you forever. I’m scared you have already walked away. I’m scared you’ll find someone else, or get bored of me, but my love, passion and desire beats all of those emotions. I’m scared you’ll never respond to me. I’m just scared.
Everything is nothing without you.
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