Your Soul Calling

Writing about this is emotional for me because it puts me back in a place of all the feelings and emotions that I was going through 3 years ago when I met this wonderful person… and I was going through this experience.

First thing I want to say is that I am a firm believer in marriage – and this may come as a surprise considering the last few years have been a very challenging time in my life.  The perception is that when someone has been married and they come out the other side, particularly if you have been in a marriage for a long time, you may have this negative view of marriage – or, it’s something you would never want to do again.

However, I believe in marriage so very deeply. When and if I remarry, when I do, it will literally be my forever.

Allow me to clarify that when I met this wonderful person, it was not so that I could be with him – however, upon meeting him, I knew what the way I felt about him was unique and unlike nothing I had felt before. I knew it was something very special, and I felt like we were highly connected, but I didn’t know “how” – it’s interesting now, after all these years, because I feel an even deeper love for him than I did at the very beginning, even despite the distance and challenges.

How can you ever move forward in happiness when you’re at war with yourself deep within?

I could not stay married

I could very well have chosen to stay where I was – but then I would have had to wear a mask throughout the day, everyday, for the rest of my life. While that might not sound bad to some, it’s like being torn in two – because the person I truly, loved with all my soul was always in my thoughts, my mind, my dreams, my head.

You can try to convince yourself “I can make this marriage work…” … perhaps you convince yourself that it’s not that bad (your marriage). Your ego tells you that it’s much more comfortable to stay where you are than “jump” to something that you aren’t certain what the outcome will be. Your ego might also convince you that if you leave, that the other person that came into your life may leave and you will be alone.

Or… you fear being alone. And you aren’t someone who can be alone (but being alone is actually necessary to help you self reflect and HEAL – healing can’t be done if you run back into the same toxic situations!)

But… my marriage was NOT working, and that is exactly why God brought this particular person in my life. I was married to a malignant narcissist – and while the red flags were EVERYWHERE for years, I still did not see them. God basically had to toss out a huge roadblock with spikes to get me to see where I was.

Looking back now, I can see why God brought this person in my life.

It wasn’t until I got divorced, and moved with the children to see how much my toxic marriage was affecting my physical, emotional and psychological health. It was bad.

My relationship was destructive – it lacked respect, it was void of love, it was manipulative, psychologically damaging and yet I remained.

Society tells us to make it work, our ego is scared to operate out of fear, so we dismiss our soul pull for what we know as comfort. Even though that comfort is toxic, and isn’t what our body wants to align with – we stay.  We tell ourselves that this love we feel for this special person who came into our life is fleeting – that it’s not real; we tell ourselves that we don’t deserve this love, that the love “won’t last”, that we aren’t worthy…   The veil, here on Earth, has us stuck between our fear and our ego – we look around at others living the same mundane life and we zone out on anxiety meds, Netflix, Hulu, porn, meds, social media, alcohol – we bury ourselves in work, to try to play the role our partner or family or society has assigned for us.

But every day we continue to do that, we aren’t in alignment with our soul calling. The energy is negative. We don’t progress forward. We wonder why we always end up in these types of relationships, why we don’t have success with relationships – and it’s because we don’t follow our soul calling. We don’t follow our soul alignment. Instead, we operate in the Matrix – mundane work, busy tasks to keep ourselves distracted, material items of this world, frequent holidays, trips, and accumulation of stuff.

But none of that satisfies. God throws roadblocks in our life to warn us when we aren’t on the right path. But sometimes we are so consumed with the things of this world we don’t tune in to the signs and signals he’s sending our way.  So he sends people in our life to help move us – but it’s ultimately up to us. God still gives us the free will to learn and choose. We are so riddled by society – we’re worried about what others might think, we operate out of comfort, we choose to stay in places that don’t help propel us forward, places that don’t make us feel safe, or feel like home. In my case, things that prevent me from having a close relationship with God.

I can’t do that. I couldn’t do that. The life choices I made in the past were the result of the unhealed, unconscious version of me.  If you talk to close friends about your soul feeling for this new person, they may dismiss it as a midlife crisis – or, perhaps rationalize it based on their own thoughts (you were bored, you needed excitement, it’s temporary…) What happens, though, is that time and distance make your feelings for this person stronger and more intense – and it’s because this person is your SOUL CALLING. The more you resist, the more intense it gets.

If you have guilt, it is your ego wanting you to be a good person.

But if you aren’t listening to yourself, or honoring yourself, or loving yourself fully how can you ever give 100% of yourself to someone else?

If you meet someone, and you are soulfully drawn to them on every level in that unique way, the other person in your life (spouse) is only going to get half of you. You might think you are doing the right thing by staying in your marriage, but you aren’t – you both deserve more than that. You cannot go backwards and move forward. And you can’t move forward in the same way that you previously may have moved forward. You certainly can stay in a marriage that you’re not fully vested in, but if your mind and heart are yearning for and missing the other person, is that fair for the marriage?

It’s like I had no choice but to do something different to make the change. This person was called and brought into my life for a reason.  My life completely changed. My husband and I were completely unrelatable – we were two different people that remained in the same home for years, but we didn’t connect at surface level and we certainly didn’t and couldn’t connect on a deep, soulful level. We just existed to exist.  I could not continue to be somewhere that was not helping propel me forward, nor could I remain somewhere with someone who did not match my energy.

I filed for divorce.

I moved completely on my own, without any help or assistance from others.

I changed my business direction… I started new ventures, re-directed my focus on the ventures I was working on.

I changed my way of working.

My body and physical health changed and improved for the better.

My kids are much happier now than they have ever been. They hold conversations with anyone, and they are well-adjusted, and confident in themselves.  The ONLY reason I did not do it sooner was because of the fears, prejudice, what people might say, the societal expectation, the Biblical expectation of marriage.

For the first time in my life, I can see clearly – I have shed the old version of me and I am progressing forward in a new, positive energy in ways I haven’t ever imagined I could. I finally feel like I am in alignment with who I really am – I’m doing what I love, and I feel “light” most of the time. Certainly I do have days where I’m paralyzed by fear of what may lay ahead, but at the end of the day, I feel safe and content with the little that I do have.

You, ultimately, have to trust yourself and your decisions – as long as you make the choices that are in alignment with your SOUL calling, deep down in your heart.

I don’t know if this person I love will make the choice to follow his soul. I know he is capable of more, he’s capable of a love that is unlike anything he has ever known. However, he has to discover his own life purpose and  the only way he can do that is by time in solitude to discover his life purpose. I want the peace that I experience when he is in my life.