I never stopped loving you.

Opening up to you requires one to expose themselves to the possibility of being hurt. The fact that an individual has to open up signifies that they are guarded and may have some energetic blockages which prevent them from fully trusting others to not cause them pain.

I don’t want to be like anyone else. I don’t want to cause pain like people in your past may have. So I chose to give you my all. My entire self. But in doing so, I scared you and you ran. I loved hard and you were unable to receive that love.

For guarded individuals, opening up creates fear, and this fear activates a flight or fight response. If they cannot overcome to urge to bolt from the situation, they may retract and become closed up again, and may even leave the situation – as a knee-jerk response. Individuals can go through a cycle of opening up and closing down, causing trauma to all involved – and their actions puzzling to those who just want to love them and not intentionally ever hurt them.

I never left you. I am still here. But I backed away. Because … I felt like I was intruding in your life. Because maybe you didn’t love me like I thought, all this time. Because… maybe you fell back in love with her and you were done with me. Because… I perhaps was an embarrassment to your situation – after all, it’s much more acceptable in the “eyes” of others to be with someone who is fit, beautiful, and has one child than with someone who has five kids and is freshly divorced. I got it. It doesn’t change how I feel.

In this situation of back and forth opening up and closing down, it’s the duty of the feminine to connect to their inner heart and transmit safety to the masculine, who is likely reluctant to believe that they could be experiencing a love that is so true, and so real. By sharing my feelings with you openly, there was and is an opportunity to create the space for you, as the masculine, to accept or reject the truth and the foundation for what lies ahead.

The feminine typically relies on their heart to make decisions whereas the masculine relies on logic and reasoning. The feelings that the feminine (me) has for you may not be logical or reasonable to you. I felt like the connection we had was real and my feelings for you were and still are undeniable – in my heart, I know what I feel. You, as the masculine, have to think about what I have told you and rely on your outer experience to confirm for yourself, the truth about these feelings.

It is critical, at this point, for the masculine (you) to understand that my feelings for you are truly and unequivocally real. You will need to connect to your heart center – that is the vital catalyst for this to take place. God placed me in your life for a reason and you in mine. He knew what you needed, but the willingness to accept love has to be there, or the running will continue for years down the road.

For the masculine, past trauma – whether it be in childhood or relationships, will cause your heart energy to have blockages. In response, the masculine may have a wall miles thick – but upon “feeling”, you run. And you block. A blockage in the heart center can be cleared – but it cannot be forced. You must make the conscious choice to change your response, and open up to accept my love – even if it means taking the risk of hurt once again.  I am always praying for your safety, and sending you love and thoughts of positive intention your way – but at the same time, I want nothing more than to allow you to realize that I will and would never harm you like you have been in the past.

Understand that I never left. I felt like I needed to step back because you weren’t responsive. I could tell you shifted based on your lack of interest/response. I figured you had fallen back in love. Pictures and videos of your trips, Sawmill, Tin Can Alley, White Sands… confirmed – I was nothing but a blip on your radar that had probably fallen off at this point. Truth is,  it hurts, to love someone this much and watch you happy with them.

My kids ask about you daily. They wanted to see you for spring break. I can’t bear to discuss things with them because they have great memories of their time with you and I don’t want those memories tainted with disappointment.

They love you. Fiercely.

I love you. Fiercely.

That love will not fade. It hasn’t. The distance doesn’t make it fade, the frustration of being apart doesn’t make it fade. Even when I see your happy life with her and your family… I still cannot stop loving you. Yes, I get frustrated. Yes, I get hurt. Yes, I get upset. Does it make the love go away? No.

But.. out of respect for your situation, I retracted. You know my love will not go anywhere. But you need to accept this love I have – right now, you run back to what is comfortable … and a love that (though it might not be perfect), is tolerable. And until that changes, you will forever be stuck without progressing forward.

 

 

 

I was married for 18 years to a covert narcissist.

I was on the verge of divorce at just 3 years in. Looking back, there were red flags popping up all over the place. But out of guilt and obligation (and a newborn), I remained somewhere that would destroy my ability to trust people from that point forward.

For 15 years, I went from career-driven, independent, highly passionate and motivated individual, to an insecure, co-dependent, socially isolated partner in a marriage that was void of love, affection and respect.

Now, 20 years later, I’m mentally spent. Exhausted. Tired.  The last ten years of my marriage, he had 9 affairs – some of which lasted for years. I cut myself off emotionally at the 5 year mark – the reasons I stayed were purely financial.

We did not go on vacations together.

We did not go out on date nights together.

Both of us had social media. But he had a private profile that showed himself being single. He ordered me to never tag him in any social media posts, nor with the kids.

He spent every weekend out at the bar, with others, while I was home raising our kids.

I got fed up with being second, third, fourth, in a marriage where I should have been first.

One day, it all changed. …  I became intentional.

If it doesn’t help me grow and learn, it’s not something in my line of sight. I can only do things that put myself first – my health, my feelings, my well-being. The more I do that, the more I find myself raising out of the traditional norms of the rest of the world and finding my values/thoughts/life completely unrelatable to that of the majority of “the world”.

The ego

social status

money

facade..

Having a picture perfect life on social media makes people think they feel better about themselves because appearance is everything.

All the money, trips, “stuff” in the world won’t ever fill the space that real, authentic, love can. Sad when you think about it… that image, social status, and material wealth blasted on social media is the go-to for most of the world.

My ex husband was an unavailable person, who chose to behave in a way that I didn’t want to associate with. Years later, I found more value in myself and my abilities – I don’t need to post awkward social media posts of myself, seeking validation/attention.

I’m tired…

I’m tired of being deceived

I’m sick of being second, third, and fourth…

I’m tired of words not matching actions

I’m tired of giving to people who don’t care/appreciate or are unwilling to receive my love

I’m tired of being told that my trauma is “less” than what others have experienced

I’m tired of putting myself out there for others that don’t value what I have to give

I’m tired of always being the giver and never being on the receiving end

I’m tired being treat like … I’m somehow less than others because I’m a single mother of five

For once I want/need someone who recognizes my worth and knows my rarity and fears losing my love.

Going through narcissistic abuse

… is a really lonely experience. It’s not like any other experience at all. There are so many different dynamics. You are dealing with lies, infidelities, verbal, psychological and even physical abuse, trauma, a loss of self esteem, deception and more. The only people who will truly EVER understand it are the people who have been through it themselves. This is not just a bad relationship experience – it’s the murder of a person’s spirit, it’s the dismantling and destruction of someone’s life, one piece at a time. And as you are trying to hold it together, people who don’t understand, rather than helping you, are looking at you like you are crazy. In a weird way, it feels like you are. The relationship slowly breaks you apart. It’s a difficult and horrible experience to go through.

I no longer wanted to entertain a life void of authentic love and compassion for comfort. I wasn’t willing to stay a second more in a toxic relationship because I was scared of being alone, scared of what others thought, scared of losing friends/family, or scared of financial ruin. I DID NOT CARE about societal status. I operated purely on my own energy.

I don’t want to be with a person that is yes than no…

I want you / I’m not sure…

Let’s meet up / I can’t make it…

I love you / I feel like I have to be with someone else..

Please leave a door open for me / In the meantime I will be all around, I can’t commit…

I’m not afraid to be alone

Because, being alone is the key to massive personal growth. To be scared to be alone is to be unwilling to truly find out what you are capable of.  In a narcissistic/toxic relationship, unwillingness to be alone is to be content with toxicity. It is willingness to be co-dependent on someone who is not healthy for your personal growth. Perhaps you are stuck in your ego – your status, your material wealth, stuck in the material world.

I don’t need anyone.

I’m not searching for myself in someone else.

I don’t need someone else to make up for my own insecurities.

I don’t need external validation (social media posts/boosts/attention seeking stories..)

I don’t need mind games or control..

I don’t want to be with a fearful person. I have an open heart and need someone who has an open heart, who can love me back. I refuse to be with someone who has a semi-closed door.

The very truth of my existence is that I’m rare. I can love.

I am a creative nurturer with a strong sense of personal integrity.

I strive to help others realize their potential.

I have the ability to help others find solutions to their personal challenges.

I don’t strive for validation. I don’t need to be “seen”. I am a private person.

I know how others are feeling before that person knows it himself/herself.

I have strong faith in my ability to read people.

My circle is almost non-existent. I value integrity, honesty, transparency, authenticity over drama, ego-driven, self absorbed, shallow, attention seeking individuals.

I believe in compassion, vulnerability and kindness. Making a connection with someone is far more rewarding to me than always being right.

I will spend little time caring for my own needs often dedicating my life/time to the needs of others.

I can feel emotions on a powerful level.

 

 

I’m struggling with this right now. I always thought it was impossible to care too much about someone else.  But I’m beginning to think it’s entirely possible and more destructive to your own well being than caring too little.

Everyone wants someone who cares about them.

At least in theory that’s what they want.

But perhaps they don’t really want that. Perhaps they are happier with someone who doesn’t care enough. Perhaps having someone who cares too much is uncomfortable to them, so they settle with someone who is familiar – who may not care enough but who doesn’t scare them with an overabundance of care.

Let me try to clarify.

I care deeply for the people involved in my life. So much so, that I usually put others emotions before my own. What am I left with? Heartbreak. I’m left with people who truly aren’t available for me when I’m always there and available for them.

I’m left with people who put me on the back burner despite putting everything and more into making sure that they are ok.

I’m beginning to realize that most people generally don’t care or think about the little things that affect us “deep feelers”.

We continuously put others before ourselves and it becomes expected- we are taken for granted.

Pretty soon, you start to feel like you’re second, runner-up, not a priority, not enough, or just … nobody. Friends just use you when they need an ear because you’re genuinely sympathetic to whatever their situation may be.  To others, you’ll always be there. Because you always have been. Until… you’re not. Then you’ll be labeled as the typical uncaring person who gave up. But you didn’t. You were always there. Until they weren’t… or until they didn’t care that you were there.

There’s not much you can do unless you’re willing to change the type of person you are. You can try to care less or stop being so readily available to those who take your caring too much for granted. There’s really no easy way to shut off caring… at least for me it’s not that easy.

This is my own personal experience. I really hope you have someone similar to yourself- someone that truly cares about your feelings. It’s tough being the only deep feeler, caring, warm hearted person. That much I know.