Finding peaceful healing and growth after narcissistic abuse
If there’s one thing I know to be certain in life, it is that trail running is hard.
Not only do you have to navigate obstacles – boulders, rocks, steep inclines, you have to take into account the weather for the day.
Here in the Southwest, that’s undoubtedly sunny and hot, no matter what time of the day you actually make it out to the trail. I find it motivating – honestly.
Too often we value how spicy you are, how attractive, how accomplished you are…
But not many people say “how kind is my partner?”
An unkind person is fine, as long as everything is going right.
But when something is going wrong, when they feel jealous, or insecure, threatened or especially when they feel that they aren’t valued, then watch out…
They will fuck you up.
I know this from personal experience. I was married to someone who thought that his needs, his ego, his wants, his desires far surpassed those around him.
What he wanted was constant attention, admiration, and ego boosts. When I started having children, I saw his demeanor change. Instead of being a role model for his children, he maliciously began to hijack my relationship with them in order to gain the attention of others around him.
Because his needs were more important.
And that trend continued, for years.
You have to be so aware of that! A toxic person is always going to put their needs, their insecurities, their wants, their needs, and their desires ahead of anything else in the relationship. That is a red flag! 🚩🚩🚩
They will be the partner that says:
“I need consistency…”
“I need someone who is going to give me affection…”
“I need someone who pays attention to me…”
“I need affection…”
You’re not giving me that! It’s your fault. You aren’t… you should be, if you don’t…
I’ll get it elsewhere.
See the trend? Your fault. Nowhere there are they providing introspection to look at how their actions are affecting the problems at hand.
I need.
I need.
I need…
I need? We ALL need that. Those are basic human needs. What about your partner? Have you ever considered what your partner needs? Chances are, they need the same things too.
And if you aren’t showing up with consistency, or affection, or the ability to communicate, chances are, they aren’t going to show up for you in those areas either.
The truth is…
We ALL need consistency.
We ALL need affection.
We ALL need someone who pays attention to us.
That’s basic human decency! If you are going to make the relationship all about you, then you likely have an unreasonably high sense of your own importance. You are seeking attention and want people to admire you – deep within you are failing to understand or care about the feelings of others.
A relationship should be about compromise
A healthy relationship involves trust, respect, loyalty and open communication between both partners.
Read that again: BOTH people. Two partners. There should be no imbalance of power. Each person contributes to the other partners needs equally. Partners respect each other’s needs, and work together to ensure that those needs are met.
What if one partner makes it all about them?
A relationship where the needs of one outweigh the other, or one partner makes their needs above the needs of others may very well be a sign of emotional manipulation.
Never underestimate the power of kindness as it is the most powerful value.
Mutual caring relationships require kindness and patience, tolerance, optimism, joy in the other’s achievements, confidence in oneself, and the ability to give without undue thought of gain.
Fred Rogers
Hold on tight here – because this is a big one.
I recently was in a forum, online, where someone asked the following question:
“Why would couples, who once loved each other, after an affair, just decide to divorce after all they have shared together?”
Ahhh… the good’s “memories” line.
An independent woman will always say no when you ask her if she needs anything.
That’s why you should never ask an independent woman if there is anything she wants you to do for her. Her answer is going to be no – even if there is.Read more
The key to processing narcissistic abuse is putting it on paper ~ find out why journaling is the key to finding love and connection.
One of the most important factors in a toxic relationship is healing and protecting yourself from further abuse.
Obviously, leaving is necessary. It may also be the hardest thing to realize and accept – after all, you may opt to remain in that relationship due to a variety of factors to include obligation, kids, finances and even guilt.