Relationships – Page 4

Categories: Relationships, Uncategorized

Fake It

Fake it ’till you make it…doesn’t work in a marriage.

Wives use husbands.

Husbands use wives.

A marriage that has any kind of infidelity isn’t a loving marriage. It’s a marriage of convenience.

Women will often times use men for money, or stability, protection, security or .. even image.

Men can and will do the same – they will also use women for security (especially if she makes more money), image, and status.

Oftentimes, after being with the same person for years, you get comfortable with the lifestyle you have. It’s not that you love the person you are with [especially if you have been unfaithful!] – it’s just that you are scared.

You are scared to start fresh.

You are scared of losing the financial security.

You are scared of tarnishing your image.

You are scared of what family and friends will say.

You are scared of the unknown.

You are scared that you may end up alone.

Or.. you are scared that you can’t do better.

So you reason with yourself…

Well… we have been together since our early 20’s…
Well…. she did throw me a huge birthday party…
Well, he does do this for me….
Well, he’s not amazing but he’s not all “that” bad…
Well… she’s actually a good mom (or, he’s actually a good dad)

You get the point – it’s all material based.

Status quo.

Sometimes, you cling to the hope that things will miraculously go back to the way they were when you first met and things were good, fresh, new. Living long enough and knowing enough people, I’m here to say – that never happens.

It might happen for a short, brief period. But it won’t stick. Once things go bad, they stay bad.

Sure, briefly you can force it and be happy, temporarily – however, it’s always usually short-lived.

If one person has been unfaithful in the marriage, then that person does not love their spouse. And more than likely, the spouse does not love that person either.

You can’t cheat on someone and yet profess your love for them.

And if you have been cheated on, you cannot accept being treat like a doormat from the one you love.

Love does not allow that.

Unless of course both of you are worried about your image. What will friends say? What will family say? Good glory, we can’t have that! We have to show that we are a happy couple without problems!

So one spouse usually starts a massive social media frenzy of happy couple pictures.

Which may, to those on the outside, very surface level happy. But those of us who are deeper, and more insightful, know that this is a cover-up for a larger, deeply rooted problem.

On the bright side, it’s only a matter of time before the relationship is over. One or both will have had enough and call it quits. You can “fake it” — and play happy… suddenly trying to magically fix it.

But it won’t truly work.

If you have to tell your spouse how you should be loved, then it’s doomed at that point. It’s a miserable life and you can only choose misery for so long. It will catch up to you and you will want better for yourself.

Chances are, you don’t want to leave [yet] because you have. your fears..

Perhaps you are insecure and you don’t think you deserve better

Perhaps… you suddenly have an epiphany and realize the err of your ways and suddenly claim to have changed your heart (<<<insert sarcasm here…>>>)

You can’t suddenly change your heart in one day after a multi-year affair.

Perhaps… you are like the rest of society and you are too latched onto what “things” you would lose (money, house, vehicles, etc) and so you continue to accept a substandard relationship for “stuff”

It could be one week, one month, one year or one decade – but it will not be happily ever after.

No matter how many social media posts you conjure up to proclaim your happy family..

No matter how much you continue to lie to yourself about everything being “okay”…

No matter how many excuses you tell yourself or how many discussions you have in your head about why it’s probably “better” to stay…

The truth is, you were unfaithful.

And you were unfaithful for a reason.

You can’t take that back.

My ex husband was unfaithful. He did not and could not love. For him, love was control, power, and validation. By cheating, he felt important. Cheating helped him feel wanted, needed and special.

I stayed. And I’ll admit, all the social media posts were nothing but a mask to cover up how I really felt. I did not love him. I did not stay with him out of love or compassion. I stayed because of image, finances and my Christian obligation.

But looking back, those were all. poor and highly inadequate reasons to stay.

And one day, I realized I was not going to lie to myself anymore. I knew my heart and my heart was NOT with him.

Fake it until you make it doesn’t work in a marriage.

Categories: Relationships

She Won’t Beg

She won’t beg for your time and attention.

The more you ignore her, the more she’ll get used to being ignored.

If you stop calling her, she’ll stop waiting for your calls.

If you stop sending her text messages, she’ll get rid of the habit of checking her phone every day.

The more you stay away from her, the more she’ll adapt to staying away from you.

And one day, she’ll learn how to live without you. And move on.

Beautiful is the man who doesn’t ignore the woman he cares about.

And a shoutout to the women who move as they so please, and do so unapologetically. To the women who ignore the outside “noise” and opinion of others. The women who understand their own assignment. Their own energy. Their own value. The women who will shake the room sooner than later.

I am too valuable to chase someone who does not know my worth and to keep waiting for someone who doesn’t acknowledge my value.

If a person wants to be part of your life, they will make an obvious effort to do so. One should never, ever reserve a space in their heart for people who do not make an effort to stay.

Leaving my 18 year marriage was not a sign that I did not have a heart. I did have a heart. In fact, I had too big of a heart. I held onto that sh*t for far too long.

I wasn’t willing to play the charade of image.

I wasn’t willing to be miserable for the sake of finances.

I wasn’t scared to leave because deep in my heart, I knew I was strong enough to make it on my own.

I wasn’t willing to “make it work for the sake of the kids” – because it was more harmful for the kids to see betrayal and disrespect than it was to see their mother stand up for better treatment.

I wasn’t worried about what people would think of me. Who are they anyways? Family? Pfft. Friends? If they really are true friends, they’ll stick by you.

I checked out of that marriage mentally and emotionally years prior to my physical departure. I will not beg someone to love me. I will not beg someone to talk to me. I will not beg someone for time, attention and respect.

I will simply cut you off slowly, and methodically until one day I’m nothing but a faded memory.

Categories: Relationships

Survivors Are Not Defective

Is it the narcissists fault?

Or … did my marriage/relationship fail because I didn’t love myself enough?

If there’s one thing I know is certain, it’s that I get very tired of people passing judgement on what was one of the longest, unfulfilling, roller coaster experiences of my entire life.

Categories: Relationships

Kindness Isn’t Weakness

Just because someone has a gorgeous heart and a gentle nature doesn’t mean they’re naive or fragile.

You don’t know the type of chaos it took someone to be that calm. Never confuse kindness for weakness.

Those people have survived the hardest battles.

Ever since I was a small child, the value of kindness was always discussed as one of the things that can and will carry us far in life. Not only can kindness enhance our own lives it can have an effect on the people we come into contact with on a daily basis.

It can also have a profound effect on our relationships through life as well.

It wasn’t until I got older that I started to notice that not everyone sees the value of being kind. Some people see the value of kindness as a weakness and way to take advantage of you.

Especially if you have ever been in a relationship with someone who shows narcissistic patterns of behavior.

The hardest lesson I have had to learn is that people will try to take advantage of your kindness. I do remember, very candidly, one particular experience that confirmed this to me.

Several years ago, after many attempts to make my marriage work, something deep within me snapped. One day, I couldn’t “not see” how toxic my marriage was. Once that day comes, every day thereafter can’t be seen any other way. I realized, on this day, that my spouse did not have any love for me.

Moreover, he had no desire to make our marriage work.

It was, in other words, a marriage on paper – a marriage of convenience. For him, I was nothing more than a maid, chauffeur for the kids, house cleaner, cook and fixer of all things broken on the home. He was free to come and go as he pleased, without any responsibility to being a father or a spouse. He wanted the convenience of being married, without the responsibilities that a marriage and fatherhood entailed.

We were two separate people, with absolutely nothing in common.

On this particular day, I uncovered what he truly thought about me, as everything that had built up in his heart came pouring out, plain as day. He attacked my kindness – he saw it as a form of weakness, vulnerability, and stupidity.

It was at that moment that I realized that some people will see your kindness as a weakness. They will use it in any way they can to put themselves ahead in life. These people are opportunists.

An opportunist views kind people as a target.

An opportunist lives in a world that is every-man (or, woman0 for themselves. They have no shame. They have no sense of humanity. They sleep beautiful, not caring that they, themselves, are brutal. They view it as another “I win, you lose”.

Unfortunately, for every kind person in the world, there is at least one opportunist trying to exploit them.

Those opportunists will always exist in the world – however, the best course of action is to ensure that they don’t take advantage of you – unless of course, you let them.

It can be so easy to stop being kind to everyone you meet when you encounter an opportunist. The most important thing to remember, however, is that we need kind people in the world, now more than ever. Imagine how much better our world would be if everyone treated others with love and kindness?

Not only does kindness gives you a more optimistic outlook on life, it gives you personal power – kindness can help you accomplish great things.

Let an opportunist see your kindness; don’t allow them to abuse it.

Don’t allow an opportunity rob you of your ability to show kindness to others – instead, redefine their understanding of your kindness. Show an opportunist that you are a pillar of strength even when they refuse to see your light. If that means severing that relationship with that person to preserve your boundaries then that is something you may have to examine further.

The only way they can take advantage of your ability to show kindness is if you allow them to.

Practice cultivating compassionate boundaries in both your personal and professional life. Learn to honor what is true, to you, in a kind way ~ compassion at work can create an entire revolution of greater kindness and well-being.

Categories: Relationships

There Is Someone

There really can be someone out there who is your perfect match.

Someone who has the ability to fill your heart like nothing else, and no-one else can.

It’s not timing.

And it’s certainly not circumstance.

It’s the person themselves.

If you are lucky enough to meet this person, you’ll know instantly. The bond you form with them will be like nothing you have ever experienced, and nothing you ever will experience.

So what happens when you find this person?

You stop looking for something else.

Their needs are as important as your own. You notice flaws, but they don’t seem like that much of a big deal. You compliment them daily because – after all, they are on your mind. You care for that person when they are sad, and listen to them when they need an ear. You support them when they are going through challenging times.

When they make a mistake, you apologize.

When there is an argument, it’s upsetting to you and you just want to try to make it right.

You both are best of friends. And every day, you try to show how much that person means to you.