Relationships – Page 13

Just Nobody

At 4:45 a.m. every morning, I make way up this mountain. It’s dark – and in most cases, there isn’t anyone else hiking. The coyotes are out – the howls can be heard from the bottom of the mountain before the ascent.

The trek to the top is dark, and the trail is rocky and uneven. I hike up, turn around, and come back down. On a typical morning, I repeat this three times before I finally settle at the top.

As I sit at the top, on the cliff face, in the dark, I am able to reflect upon the things that are heavy on my mind. I love being up there in the dark, because nobody else is up there. Nobody can see my tears flow heavily. Nobody can see the sadness on my face. It’s the perfect solitude.

As I sat up there today, it hit me. I am just nobody. Certainly, I am a mother to five kids. But aside from that, I am nobody. Nobody calls to check up on me. My own family doesn’t reach out to me. I don’t have a partner in my life that looks after me or treasures me. I literally am nobody to anyone.

I was in an 18 year marriage to someone that stayed with me out of convenience. Our marriage was far from what a marriage should be – in fact, it was more of a living arrangement, where I was the catalyst that helped him live a comfortable life filled with self entitlement, and fulfillment.

He had a cook
He had child care
He had a house cleaner
He had an emotional punching bag – someone to blame his bad days on
He had a mechanic, a yard worker, and a maintenance worker to care for the house

Lastly, he had a very kind, patient, naive spouse that never questioned the late nights, absent weekends, or oddities that came with someone who was being unfaithful in the marriage.

Oddly enough are the things in the marriage that I tended to question but never acted upon my gut instinct:

I was never introduced as being a wife
Normal marriages celebrate anniversaries – in my case, our anniversary came and went with no mention of the day as being a day of importance
Normal marriages celebrate birthdays – in my case, my birthday was just a regular day with no mention of it being a birthday at all
There weren’t any romantic trips, weekend get aways or even lunch/dinner dates
Family events were challenging – I was always assigned to sit at the kids table with the children, in the back corner of the yard or house, away from the adults
There was no exchange of love, affection or otherwise

I grew up with very little attention from my parents, so I almost didn’t know anything otherwise. My mom was constantly put down by my father so I grew accustomed to thinking that this type of behavior was typical in a marriage.

But marriage does not involve disrespect.

One of my biggest fears in life…

…..is being forgotten about – being abandoned, by the people I love so much. I fear outpouring of love for my kids and not having that love reciprocated.

I fear loving someone who can’t reciprocate that love back.

I fear loving someone that doesn’t choose me, but instead chooses someone else.

So I isolate.

On a fundamental level, someone like myself could be considered boring – maybe not to everyone, but to the majority of people. I have learned early on in my life that most people would rather talk about trivial things that are mundane – things that don’t force them to think, contemplate or even self reflect. I learned early on (in my early teenage years) that if I did try to talk about those type of things, that I would be shut down or isolated from the group as a whole.

As the years went by, I quickly learned that all the things I loved are/were vastly different from what normal people love. So I started to keep to myself. I have, over time, managed to come up with a few mainstream likes and opinions on various topics so that I can hold some type of a conversation (when necessary). However, for the most part, I have learned to hide parts of myself that I knew would never be appreciated or even so much as noticed.

I learned to blend in.

Because to stand out is to be in the spotlight. And to be in the spotlight requires a lot of effort to keep up the mask of ordinary – and ordinary is not me.

I’d rather not reveal the real person I am in all of my weak vulnerabilities to be rejected for it by random people who play absolutely no part in my life.

All I desire is to keep my introverted self isolated from people, and my life private, until someone comes along that understands me. And when that day comes, it will take quite some time for me to open up. I would love for that person to discover how different/special/unique I am without me having to tell them.

I am a private individual: most INFJ’s, like myself, are private about everything. We may keep a lot of things to ourselves – merely to save us the sting of rejection.
Deep down, I am lonely: I have spent my entire life not being understood – especially as I grew up in my childhood. I am also very sensitive – this was always misunderstood by parents/caretakers.
My relationships are always one-sided: I care for people deeply and more times than not, people will abuse that. My kind heart is commonly abused or taken advantage of.
I am an idealistic person: I have high expectations of people. I have very strong moral beliefs which contradict other people’s beliefs – and I can often times find myself disappointed in the actions and behavior of others.

Isolation is part of who we are. It is part of who I am. I require that isolation to be my best self – not only for me but also for my kids.

Why does God want us to be alone?

God knows just how you feel. But he put me here at this place, at this time in my life – family and friends may have left. People turned their backs and left a huge space. God created this void in my heart that is only his to fill.

Maybe all these people came into my life just to pull me away from him. And have kept me in the dark all these years. Sometimes life becomes boring, meaningless and hard, it’s beceause I was filling it up with everything but him. And that void has to be occupied by him and him alone.

In the silence of the heart, God speaks.

Even in silence, God will speak to you.

It is only when you realize your loneliness and emptiness that God can fill you with himself. No person, no possession, no profession, no position can ever fill the cup of an empty heart. It’s an emptiness that only God can fill.

And sometimes, he brings you to this place in your life because he just wants you to call out to Him.

Categories: Relationships

All Narcissists Cheat

Cheating is a choice.

Cheating on your partner, regardless of the complexities of the relationship, is disrespect. Disrespecting and deliberately hurting your partner over, and over, and over again is not love.

It’s toxicity.

Infidelity in a relationship is commonly seen with people with narcissistic personality traits. Perhaps that narcissist has been or is in a long-term relationship with their partner. But.. they cheat on that partner, regardless of being caught.

Why does a narcissist cheat so much?

People with narcissistic traits lack empathy – they lack the ability to understand and relate to another person’s emotional experiences. When someone lacks empathy, they cannot put themselves in the shoes of another person to see things from another person’s perspective.

In short, they don’t consider how their actions affect the person they are cheating on.

They are incapable of empathy.

They live in the moment. They are focused on their own needs.

They also have low self esteem. They may present themselves as competent, knowledgeable, capable humans, but in reality, it’s an act to mask the fact that they truly feel incompetent. They can’t validate their own self worth, and they are incapable of loving themselves, so they seek out their value from others.

Through their various forms of supply (other women or men), they are reassured that they are special, or important, capable, and respected. When their marital partner is not providing this reassurance to them, they will indeed seek it out elsewhere, without a second thought for the person that they are married to.

Cheating on their partner is also a form of control. They may not ever reveal to the spouse that they are having an affair – in fact, the spouse may find out on their own. In that case, the narcissist will gaslight the spouse into denying the affair(s), and skewing reality – they will blame the spouse for their affair to make the spouse question their own reality.

Why do people stay after being disrespected by a cheating spouse?

Perhaps because, like a stray cat, he or she is given the option and it’s somewhere to go. Why does the partner tolerate the cheater’s behavior and maltreatment? They remain because they have low self esteem, are likely codependent, and lastly – they do not want to be alone.

They are comfortable.

I was comfortable where I was, and I was quite fearful that I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own. I was also very trusting and thought he would never do it again.

But he did. Multiple times. Giving him a pass once led to him making the assumption that he could continue to do it again, and again and again.

Why didn’t he leave if he was unhappy?

The arrangement of remaining together offered him them comfort and security. The longer it goes on, there’s no sense in separating what both are used to. Both partners have given up and are setting for average.

I had given up – I was emotionally detached.

He had given up too – obviously after half a dozen affairs it was safe to say that respect for me went out the window at the get go. What he did have though was a housekeeper, chef, child cafe provider, maid, and security of knowing that no matter how late he was out, or what he had planned for a weekend, I would always be there to reliably care for our children.

And that is all he cared about.

His lack of parenting led me to realize that if I was going to raise kids alone, and be alone, that I truly needed to BE alone. I’d rather be single and raise 5 kids than have to be married to a selfish, arrogant, disrespectful male than attempt to show the world (from the outside looking in) that we were actually a husband and wife.

Because we weren’t.

You see, women like to believe that their husband/man won’t cheat on them because they are so special. But here is a reality check:

That is definitely NOT true.

Men cheat on great women every day. You can’t cook, clean, beg, plead, sex and spoil a man into being faithful. If your man cheats, it is because of what type of man he is rather than what type of woman you are.

Being miserable or unhappy is not an excuse to make someone cheat. They chose to cheat.

Narcissists who cheat can and will blame anything for a reason to cheat:

If you would have been a better spouse, I wouldn’t have had to seek pleasure elsewhere
If you would have done what I needed for me I wouldn’t have had to cheat…
You are the reason I did it.

When someone cheats on you, you must remember that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. The decision to cheat was made by the cheater.

Leaving a relationship is hard. But getting out of a relationship with a narcissist who cheat is important because their behavior is unlikely to change. It’s important to put yourself first. Your partner lacks the respect required to be in a serious, committed relationship – and that’s unlikely to change.

Categories: Relationships

Choose Someone Who Chooses You

I think we’ve all been there before. At least I’m certain we have.

We have all had the experience of chasing someone we adored, but at the same time wondering why they are not reciprocating the feelings back.

Perhaps they do give us the attention back, only to pull it away and leave us confused and bewildered. Or perhaps you start to feel distant from them, so to capture their attention, you start doing more nice things in hopes of getting their attention again, maybe even the possibility of affection.

Regardless of either, going after someone like that gets really tiring after some time. No matter how much you might love them, and how much you care about them, to not have that feeling reciprocated or to be left in a state of constant confusion is gut wrenching.

What really creates the painful torture in our soul is negativity in ourselves – our internal beliefs in ourself, that we may have been carrying with us for years. Perhaps from the earliest years when we were little kiddos.

When we chase after someone, we’re hoping that we will reach this person who does not reach for us.

We’re choosing to focus on someone who, simply put, is not choosing us. We might feel any of the following:

“I”m too much, I know I am.”

“I can’t life without you.”

“Nobody will ever love me like you do…”

“I’ll never find anyone quite like you…”

“I know, I know I’m not enough…”

These fears are propelled by our own insecurities, our need to feel safe and in control. The truth is, we don’t need someone else or something outside of us to make us happy. Instead of chasing after someone who isn’t choosing us, we need to take the time to understand why we are chasing — that inner work might lead us to find out what’s driving the chase. Is it childhood trauma? Core wounds? Abandonment issues?

Instead of chasing, work on those limiting beliefs you have about yourself. Your insecurities are what are preventing you from showing up fully for YOU.

The key is to choose people who choose you.

If someone wants to be in your life, you shouldn’t have to beg, chase or plead for their attention. They will want to show up naturally in your life, and for you, on consistent daily basis.

If your absence doesn’t bother them, then you’re presence never mattered to them in the first place.

Let go of people who aren’t ready to love you. And stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence. Sometimes, our instinct is to do everything we can to gain the appreciation of special people in our lives – but that impulse does nothing but steal your time, energy, mental and physical health.

If you are forgotten, ignored, insulted, forgotten or ghosted by the people you give your time to, you are not doing yourself a favor by continuing to offer them your energy. Your life.

The truth is – you are not for everyone. The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy. Both of those things are limited. The most important thing you can do for yourself and those who appreciate you is protect your energy. You are not responsible for saving anyone. Nor are you responsible for convincing others to find you worthy: you already are.

When you show up for yourself with joy, love and commitment, not everyone will be ready or even willing to meet you there. Real love and commitment is precious – you know it is because you have experienced what it isn’t.

But if you continue to choose someone who fails to choose you, you are living in comfortable fear – you will continue to be their breadcrumbs, their alternative, their back burner option. You are doing a disservice to yourself by staying out of obligation, duty, loyalty – fear, perhaps.

I mean, why would you want someone in your life who doesn’t know if they want you in theirs?

If they don’t choose you, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are a bad person. It means that they are not ready to accept the love and energy you have at that particular time.

Categories: Relationships

A Love Letter to You

You.

It’s you. All this time. It has been for the last several years. It will be you, for years, years going forward. It can’t “not” be you. It’s impossible to clear my mind of you. All I can do is agonize and ache for you.

I will never stop thinking about you. You have no idea what it has been like. You have no idea how much I love you. After all this time, I still feel the same way about you – even more, much more, than when I first met you.

Sure, I go about my days, and continue what seems to be an endless journey with an uncertain future. But you are always there. No matter what I do or try to block out, you are always there. You are in my dreams.

It’s easier to embrace the feels rather than escape them, as excruciating as it is at times. The way I feel for you goes beyond anything I have ever known and anything I will ever know in the future, I’m sure of. I can’t stop loving you as much as I do. I will always love you — because the only way this life is worthwhile is to bring love like yours here to myself.

I will never, in this lifetime, experience another love like yours. I just can’t stop thinking about you, caring about you, and that’s why it hurts so badly to see you enjoy your life with someone else. It hurts massively. Words can’t describe the pain it feels to love someone who loves someone else.

The first time I talked to you was the beginning of my life being turned upside down. I fell for you. I fell hard for you. All this time later, I love you even more than I loved you then and back then I loved you immensely. You made me question everything – who I was, where I was, what I wanted out of life. It was so strange, to meet someone that triggered so many childhood wounds, inner trauma – it made me question everything I had known and experienced up until that point. I have never, ever, met someone that has had such a profound influence on the way I feel, think, and do… I felt like I had known you my entire life, even though I had only known you looking “in” from the window of a few mere social media posts.

Your voice… hearing you speak filled my heart with so much emotion. Being around you is absolute bliss. You have no idea how much I love you. I am in love with everything about you. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be in so much pain without you.

I remember, way back then, looking at your picture. Looking in your eyes, I saw a deep vulnerability. I saw a great deal of pain. Meeting you in person was the most overwhelming experience for me in so many ways. I left you that day and I ached for you… I literally felt my heart pulling out of my chest.. if you only knew the darkness I went through when you disappeared for long periods of time. It triggered abandonment wounds that I am trying so hard to overcome. When I talk to you, when I am with you, I am filled with peace, security, care. I try so hard not to feel what I feel but I can’t… I wonder at times if you feel the same way I do. But then other times I feel crazy, and delusional… knowing that you have a life that belongs to others so it’s easier for me to believe it’s all one-sided.

On the outside, you are a beautiful soul who radiates love. I see you as a bright, shining light of hope. But inside, your beauty is even more. You have a huge, caring, gentle heart. I love your intelligent mind, I love your depth of thought… I love how quirky you are and the odd things you do – your inner strength is something so incredibly attractive to me. I love it when you smile. Even more, when you laugh. I love the sounds you make in the shower, when you are eating… I know, you aren’t perfect, that you have struggles – we all do. But I still love you entirely. I love you that much more.

All this time later, you still give me butterflies in your presence, that extends far beyond anything I could ever have imagined. I know you have gone through a lot in your life and you have worked so hard to succeed the way you have. I admire you … respect you so much. It’s hard, so hard, to see you share your life with others… I want so desperately to be someone’s first choice, their only choice. I am just nobody, really, looking in from the outside on what seems like a very happy, fulfilled, content life you have with them. Your family pictures – they are perfect. Your trips with them… are beyond anything I have ever experienced in my lifetime. I can only hope you understand how hard it is for me to see you share your life with someone.

I know, deep down, I would give up everything – everything, to be with you. I’d go through any trial. Any road block. I love knowing that I am a person capable of risking it all for the person I love more than anything. That is how much I love you. But I also know that it is not the same for you… You are trying to do the right thing, and there are reasons why you are where you are.

But it still hurts. To know that my heart is with someone who has a heart with someone else. I just hope that this shows you the depth of my love for you. You have changed me forever. I try to be the best person I can be and life my life as best as I can. I try to find joy … daily, but deep down, I will always love you, want you and love you. There isn’t anyone I’d rather spend my time with, talk to or confide in than you.

I love you so much – there isn’t any way I could envision my life going forward with anyone but you. In all honesty, I can’t think of being with anyone else, talking to anyone else, or spending time with anyone else because of the way I feel for you. I will spend my time devoted to myself and my kids in hopes that I can find some sort of peace and joy even in your absence – as difficult as it is. I love you and cannot stop loving you.

Categories: Relationships

The Broken Love Harder than Most

The broken will always be able to love harder than most. Once you’ve been in the dark, you learn to appreciate everything that shines.

You may not have seen it coming. Maybe you did, but you didn’t want to believe it. The pain of it being “over” just hit you… and it hurts. Massively. Nobody could have prepared you for the blow of losing what was there.

I hold back my tears and sadness so that people don’t see them. I hold them back because I’m tired of crying – but even if I did show them, nobody would care. I am so tired of crying. I’ve cried way too much for a lifetime, I just don’t want to even try anymore. It’s hard to understand why I love so hard yet that love is not reciprocated. It’s hard to understand how I can spend so much time and effort to make myself available for someone, help them feel loved, special, seen, heard, and yet inherently receive no response in reciprocation.

I tell myself “real pure love is giving without reciprocity”.

But to a certain extent, I want to be loved and needed with the same fierce feeling that I give. I want someone who values me as much as I value them. I want someone to give just as much of themselves as I would give for them.

But love doesn’t exist if they aren’t willing to commit an act where they risk losing you. Deep down I know that I am a person capable of risking it all for someone I loved dearly.