Relationships – Page 12

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

The ironic thing is, you don’t have to be by yourself, or single, to feel lonely.

Many people assume that if you are married, or dating, that you will never feel lonely. Unfortunately, many people eventually may discover that spending time with the wrong person, or being in the wrong relationship, can lead you to feeling empty and lonely, too.

If that relationship you have isn’t the right fit for you..

Or if that person abuses you mentally, physically, emotionally, or withholds things from you, then time spent with that person is not the enriching, inspiring, uplifting experience that it should be.

In a way, being in that type of situation can prevent you from growing as a person. You may find yourself feeling more inferior, and you may try to be more accommodating to encourage them to treat you differently (ie gain attention or approval).

You will twist yourself silly just trying to get any positivity from them in the form of approval.

This, in general, can lead to extreme loneliness. Then, eventually, you will wonder if the relationship was really a struggle, if it was due to things you did, and lead you to question the entire relationship in general. It’ll make you question yourself. You’ll soon start blaming yourself for the marriage or relationship not being what you need or thought it would be.

Why is it so hard to leave?

Leaving a relationship where you feel like the only “key” player, or with someone who makes you feel like the only key player can be ever so challenging. On the outside, it may appear as if you and your partner/spouse have it all together.

However, most people may not even be aware of the inner turmoil going on in your life that makes it so hard to quit.

Perhaps you have known this person for years – you grew up with this person, you have shared memories from the past. You may feel obligated to give them a second or third chance just to be fair. You may do it out of obligation of your duties as a spouse – if you are a husband, you feel a certain level of duty to keep your marriage together. You may also cling to the fact that one day, they may change and so leaving now would be a terrible thing, because you’ll lose everything that you could have had, especially if your spouse changes for the better.

It might be hard to leave because you’re not where you are financially. My ex husband was very unhappy in our marriage but sought out affair partners as his temporary fix… all because:

He didn’t want to risk the financial implications of divorce

He didn’t want to pay child support

He didn’t want to “start over” at the age of 41

He did not want to lose the ~~wife~~ [MOTHER], me, he had caring for him and his kids at home – ie. cooking, cleaning, laundry, because those things were not his duty or responsibility.

He stayed because of money. His life was based on material items. Those things don’t travel to the grave though on your last dying days. He chose to be unfaithful because that way, he could get his needs met, yet still have everything taken care of at home., without the financial implications that come with divorce.

Money comes and goes…. your priority should be your inner happiness and peace.

For others… those reasons might be similar. Others can also be unwilling to leave for many additional reasons:

Fear… you’re afraid of making a mistake – regretting it later, essentially. You might also be afraid it will ruin your children’s life. You may also fear that you will hurt your spouse – perhaps she is a good woman, but you just can’t get along. You fear the loss that may come with divorce – the hurt you’ll experience from in laws, family, and friends… and if you are the one initiating the divorce, you fear the blame – they’ll see her as the victim, and you as the bad guy. Nobody wants to be the bad guy – especially men.
Guilt.. perhaps you feel guilty that you didn’t try hard enough, because you vowed to keep your marriage and you don’t want to let yourself or others down. If you had an affair, you may feel guilty because of that, or maybe you feel guilt because you regret your hurtful actions – you may not realize just how destructive they were.
Finances… face it, divorce can be expensive, and it may be a challenging thing to accept that your finances will take a sharp dive. If you are struggling on two incomes now, you may not be so sure how living on one will work.
Religion .. this was a big one for me. In some ways, religion may play a huge part, sometimes we feel guilt to our creator, God, for wanting to pursue a divorce thinking that we are not entitled to happiness or care in our marriage. So we stay and work it out admit the absence of those essential needs.
We hope it will improve…in essence, you ignore the issues, and tell yourself you’re just trying to make the best of a bad situation. You hope your spouse or things will change for the better, or you blame yourself for their unwillingness to make the changes required to make it work. Deep down, you hope for change, because you feel a sense of obligation to your spouse and family.

Lastly, you tell yourself that things aren’t that bad – I did that, for 15 years. I was comfortable with the familiar, even though it was toxic. I told myself that if I tried more, did more, exerted more effort, it would be “okay”. No, I was not happy but I was not willing to disrupt the COMFORT of a toxic marriage, for something far better – personal growth, and self love.

In my situation, it came down to fear of the unknown. Fear of having to do things by myself, fear of losing finances, and fear of being uncomfortable.

However, the only way to achieve personal growth is by going outside of your comfort zone. You cannot grow as a person if you are not exposed to new, life challenging experiences that shape and mold the person you are.

Love yourself – do what your heart calls

It may be hard to leave a relationship behind. However, your first obligation is to your mental and psychological well being. Treat yourself with the same care you would show to your loved ones – family and friends.

If your partner has, up until now, left you feeling lonely, misunderstood, unseen or sad on an ongoing daily basis, you can guarantee that that will eventually continue. While people can change, most people won’t chance, unless they recognize their actions and take a good look at how their actions have affected those around them.

Many people struggle with self reflection because to self reflect is to admit that we have failed in some area in our lives and that there is room for improvement.

Freeing yourself from an unhealthy situation is an act of self-love that must be taken.

Enjoy your own company

When you spend time by yourself, you will learn to become empowered – no longer will you find the need to depend on the opinions or approval of others to validate your every day life choices. Nor will you require other people’s approval for the basis if your self esteem.

Being alone helps you self reflect without the influences of the outside world… you’ll come to have faith in your own judgement and actions, without depending on the opinions of others. Time spent alone in solitude and self reflection is worlds better than being with someone who makes you feel inferior, unseen, unheard, or hollow.

It’s painful, considering divorce. It was for me. And sometimes, it’s easier to accept the way things are. But how long will that work?

Categories: Relationships

Can You Love?

Then just let me go.

I truly believe in love. Not the fly by infatuous feeling that may come and go, but a deep, whole hearted love that strikes the core of your soul. While it’s hard to find, I firmly believe that out there someone is someone who can love me deeply, soulfully, and passionately, every day, until that day when they are taken from this world.

The kind of love that fills our heart with joy, passion, inspiration, and most of all, purity. Pure, unadulterated, unfiltered love.

In a time when dating apps are gaining in popularity, and the rise of social media has women everywhere posing for selfies, videos, and reels filled with face and head shots, body shots and magic quotes, I’m not that type of person. I’m introverted… very private in nature. I have walls up that are higher than my head, cemented together with 10,000 layers to make them as bomb-proof as possible. I am not the kind of person who is tolerant of half-assed relationships, shallow flings, small talk, or immature hook ups.

I have never, in my life, been that way.

When it comes to love, I want someone who is all in- someone to match my energy.

In terms of loving someone deeply and passionately, I’m always going to give my absolute all. You will never question your place in my life – I will give it my all, and then extra on top of that. I have a har time trusting – so if you do come into my life and divulge your secrets and vulnerabilities, I will trust you with mine. It takes a considerable person to get that far in my life… only one person has.

You have to be willing to show me that you are serious about the capacity of your emotions.

I will never stop short of showing me that you are worth fighting for. In fact, I will go to the ends of the earth to pursue you and win you over – I will forever show you my gratitude through actions, words, and in my daily prayer life. I want someone else to put in that same effort to go after me and earn my love – show me that you are just as willing to pursue me with the same actions, words and in your prayer life.

I don’t want to be someone’s second choice, some second rate option… or play around with accepting breadcrumbs instead of the real deal.

I’m not up for playing hard to get, and I certainly don’t want to chase someone for their attention. Be a proper adult and communicate, instead of walling off your emotions, ghosting me or failing to respond to basic messages. I can have some empathy, but eventually the energy to continue those games will drain me and cause me to stop communicating altogether. I don’t have time nor do I enjoy being led on to think I’m a super amazing person one minute, then having to beg for attention the next – I can’t say anyone else would appreciate that tactic in someone they may have the chance to pursue a relationship with. To always wonder if you are important to the other person is to constantly walk on eggshells.

Love..

Is a sacred feeling. It’s action that is taken from the heart. I don’t want to participate in the lowliness of false love , fleeting mixed feelings, uncertainty, or shallow emotions. I can’t become intimate with someone I don’t have a deep emotional connection with… I need something deeper, something real.

Love is one of the most incredibly satisfying feelings that you could ever experience between you and another human being. But it also holds demands and responsibilities. I need someone that understands that love requires sacrifice, it requires work. It must be earned – after all, nobody is entitled to love. It’s a conscious choice.

I work hard for everything that I want in life. I don’t like to depend on others to help, simply because to depend on others is to put yourself in a predicament of having to reciprocate. I want someone who understands these responsibilities as well. I am a the sole provider for my children. I won’t risk giving them anything less than they deserve.

I’m looking for something with substance.

And I want nothing less than someone’s genuine sincerity and effort.

I know that I am deserving of something more. I want to feel loved in a relationship. I don’t want to have to constantly question who or what I am to someone else. I want someone where I can feel safe and secure in their arms. I want someone who texts me Good Morning first thing when they wake up. I want someone who helps get rid of my fears, insecurities – someone who respects me. Someone who will go out of his way to see me, even if only for a small window of time.

I am tired with having to cope with the disappointment of someone constantly standing me up and not following through. I am tired of putting my trust in people who truly don’t care about me anymore. And I am even more tired of disappointed with people who don’t respect me.

I’ve done that far too long. Despite having dealt with people like this I will always go out of my way to make the other person feel loved and appreciated, in ways that don’t allow room for them to question how I feel.

Most of all, I want to be with someone who prioritizes me and the relationship, someone who doesn’t make me feel like I’m just some fallback, or option that can be tapped into fin their spare time. Make me feel like you are serious about me.

I want to be able to find someone who’s words match his actions. I want someone who will do whatever it takes to make me feel secure in my love for him.

Categories: Relationships

Never Enough

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection on where I am at in my life, and trying to make sense of this question:

Why am I never good enough?

Something is pushing me to think hard about things that have transpired over the last several years and more. In all honesty, that question comes up on a daily basis – why, then, am I never good enough for those around me.

Many of these thoughts stem from a very inadequate childhood. My borderline mother and narcissistic father were never emotionally filling parents. Overly critical, everything I did was examined to the utmost degree- and even then, nothing was ever good enough for what they needed their daughter to be.

As a result, I learned to just put my head down to the ground with blinders on and move forward. I was in fact, a loner — I learned to focus on academics, work, and myself, with little time left for friends and fun. Such is the reason my work ethic is so strong – at the age of 16 I was moved to a foster home and I had nobody to rely on but myself. I was placed in this home without anything but the clothes upon my back. Everything I have, I have worked hard to establish on my own merit.

Several years later, I found myself in the military. Four years and several overseas field exercises and deployments, my high school was nothing but a distant memory. Rarely, if ever, did I hear from my parents. I found myself keeping to myself in the service – I was focused on the mission at hand, working with pride and attending night school to further my academics. But even then, I was not desirable to anyone despite my loyalty, and work ethic. Not even to my own parents.

Just a few months shy of getting out of the service, I met a man that I ended up getting married with. There were not sparks, or fireworks… looking back, it was a decision made in haste. I always thought marriage was an extraordinary feeling of comfort and peace with someone, but I never once felt that. For some reason, I still felt like I was unseen, unheard, and largely misunderstood. But I pushed on, because I figured that it would get better with time, and kids. Or, perhaps I was just expecting too much.

Eighteen years of marriage flew by and so did the revelation that my (then) husband had over a half dozen affairs. Feelings of betrayal, anger, frustration, and confusion hit me hard. While I initially chose to stay, I realized that was the worst thing I could have done – I discredited myself and allowed him to think I wasn’t putting myself first. So I remained. And he continued to disrespect and betray me with even more infidelity.

How can your spouse, any spouse, remain in a committed relationship through acts of infidelity? I failed to understand what I was doing wrong, and blamed myself for his repeated actions. It never occurred to me that he was the reason for his continued infidelity. Instead, I blamed myself for not being enough – in looks, actions, ethic, and even personality.

Eventually, the betrayal mounted to the point of no return – I walled off my anger, and shut off our marriage one cold November morning. I was done. And there was no looking back or attempts for reconciliation.

The days that followed were some of the most difficult and darkest days of my life. I had no desire to associate with people, or even so much as be on any type of social media. I cut myself out of every area of my life I was once associated with. I removed my social media accounts, blocked and deleted contacts from my phone, and failed to return emails from people who once were significant friends in my life.

I felt no obligation to anyone but myself. I hesitated to trust anyone and everyone. How could I? My own spouse had betrayed me.

So am I good enough?

I never quite understood what prompted my ex husband’s infidelity for all those years. I started to examine my actions to determine if I was, truly, the root of the problem, not realizing (in the end) that infidelity is and was HIS choice.

It is an easy way to avoid responsibility.
It’s an immature way of dealing with marital unhappiness.
It shows a lack of self control.
It shows entitlement, self consumption and selfishness.
And most of all, it shows an unwillingness to cooperate, communicate and respect the person you made a vow to be with for the rest of your life

Who am I?

I was the wife, but I was also so many other things –

I was the mother of our 5 beautiful children.
I was self employed, yet still homeschooled all 5.
I spent copious amounts of time cooking for the family – not only did I enjoy being in the kitchen, food was my love language.
When the family vehicles needed work, I was the one who took care of the maintenance – from changing oil to alternators, serpentine belt, brakes, battery replacement, radiator and even water pump. We rarely ever had a need for a mechanic because I was that mechanic.
Our yard was always well maintained – I was the lawn maintenance crew, the garage cleaner, the housekeeper…
I was the primary parent who transported children everywhere and all over.
I was patient, I was compassionate, I was at no point jealous or controlling. I worked hard, rarely put my needs before everyone else, and was a “rock” for the family. Despite being what I thought he and the kids needed, I wasn’t – I was still NOT enough.

Had I have been enough, the infidelity wouldn’t have ever happened. Or so I told myself.

One fall day, I was introduced to another man who went on to become my entire world. In the beginning, I knew he was different than others… he was humble, kind, compassionate, and had the most generous personality.

We spent time laughing and getting to know each other, having deep conversations about life and family and many of our own fears. But from the very beginning, I knew that due to circumstances in his life, I would never be “someone” to him.

Over time, I made trips to visit, spent copious amounts of time and money traveling back and forth 6 hours each way. I grew to absolutely adore this person, and could only hope he felt the same way. I am still head over heels for him, all this time later, and often wonder if he, too, feels the same.

So many trips resulted in me being stuck in a hotel room, 6 hours away, without a single phone call or attempt to see me despite me driving the distance. At first, I chalked it up to various excuses – work, family, etc. But over time, it wore on me “why, am I still not enough?”

Holidays come and go, to no avail….

Even my own birthday comes and goes…

I will go to the longest lengths to show love to those in my life. I will sacrifice my own well being, to make your birthday the most special, spectacular day around. I will make you cards, care packages, baked goods, and even cute boxes to show you just how much you mean to me.

It is difficult, when you are someone who puts the needs of everyone else above your own in attempt to make them feel undoubtedly special, only to be ignored in return. It begs the question “why am I not good enough?”

Despite being able to get to know each other, I am left in confusion. Perhaps I looked too much for something that was not meant to be there. Deep down, however, I can’t shake this feeling I have for him.

I am madly in love with this person and will always be. But I can only venture to guess that he just doesn’t care and doesn’t want anything to do with me.

And one day, if he and I ever cross paths again, he’ll likely just walk past me as if he never met me in the first place.

Here I am, still trying to answer this question – why? Why me?

If you truly loved me, why would you avoid responding to me?
If you truly loved me as much as you proclaim to, why would you fail to show all those times that I made the trip to you?
If you truly loved me, why would I be stuck, broken down in a truck, for 12 hours, in a city 7 hours away from home, with no cell phone signal, waiting for anyone, just anyone to rescue me?
Why, if you loved me, would my birthday come and go without any measurable effort?
Why, if you loved me, would you be so indecisive?
Why would you just ignore someone you love?
And how can you spend your time loving someone else when you say you love me as much as you do? I certainly cannot consciously do that.

I have so many questions…. yet so few answers. What more do I need to do, say or give in terms of myself, to be seen? Perhaps I really am just not enough … and perhaps I am beating a dead horse, holding onto hope that one day you will realize the level of love I feel for you.

In the end, my conclusion is this:

I’ll never be good enough for the wrong person. No matter how much I do, say or give of myself, the wrong person will never be moved by me. But I’ll always be good enough for the right person.

Despite knowing who I am, and what is in my heart and soul, I’ll just never be good enough for him.

To me, he’s looking for someone else with checkboxes that I will never be able to reach. It’s not that I’m not lovable – it’s just that his taste and preference is something that I will never have or fit. At this point, no matter what I say or do, I’m obviously not a fit for what he’s looking for.

Do I wish I had the traits to be who he is looking for? I’ll admit, it’s not me. I’ll never be “her”, so I’ll never be good enough for him. I just have to accept and move past it, as hard as it is.

But… one thing is certain. I’ll always be good enough for the right person.

To the right person, I’ll be everything and more. Each relationship has taught me something to learn from. That for me, I don’t need anyone in my life who isn’t certain with how they feel about me.

I am enough to myself.

If you were enough to others, then others wouldn’t have left you wondering why you weren’t/aren’t enough.
If you were enough to others, infidelity wouldn’t be popping up in your marriage.
If you were enough, you wouldn’t have to take yourself to forums and message boards to ask why you aren’t enough.
If you were enough, people would show up when you show up for them.
If you were enough, you’d be celebrated – on your birthday and for your accomplishments, heck – you’d be celebrated for being you.
If you were enough, you wouldn’t have to beg for a response.

Just remember that you will always be just enough, and more, for the right person.

Categories: Relationships

You Inspire Me

From the very very beginning, you inspired me. It’s hard to explain the massive influx of emotions I felt way back at the start – when I first found you.

Everything you did was inspirational. I know, it sounds crazy – but hear me out. You knew how to do everything… you were handy, creative, but most of all, positive. You were a testimony of faith, you were a humble servant to others. And yet everything you did, as trivial as it was to you, inspired me.

Your laugh. Your voice. Your mannerisms… the crazy things you did that were so odd I found myself packing in the back of my brain. I’d bring out those mannerisms as memories and smile. I’d find myself crying shortly after.. just because the memories are so vivid it stirs up emotion of longing and sadness because there’s nowhere I’d rather be than next to you.

Knowing you made me want to be a better person. Watching your feed made me want to do more, learn more, create things. It was even more so in person – your energy is (to me) off the charters.

How does someone have so much energetic power and inspirational force behind themselves? How does someone have such a huge effect on someone – even in the times of silence and distance, just YOU being YOU inspires me.

To even describe that is overwhelming – because no person or thing has ever had that effect on me. Perhaps that’s what keeps me so focused on you, all this time later.

Imagine…

Someone who inspires you every day to be the best version of yourself.

To be better. To do more with your life. To be creative, perhaps even passionate. Imagine someone who teaches you about life by merely living their own life – without trepidation.

The person who inspires you will always continue to spark self motivation within you. You’ll want to be better, do better, life better, appreciate things you wouldn’t have thought much of before their presence.

Most importantly, the person who inspires you will do so without even knowing or trying to inspire others – they’ll inspire just by being themselves.

What happens when you settle for less?

Certainly, you can meet up with someone who doesn’t fuel your inspiration – but you’ll eventually discover that there’s something missing. Inspiration fuels happiness – if people fail to inspire you, they leave you uninspired.

You won’t have anything to aspire to.

Inspiration is the fuel that allows us to grow and expound in ways that make us feel blessed to be alive. People that fail to inspire us restrict the opportunity for better experiences, opportunities, personal growth. Inspiration is what fuels that personal growth – a lack of inspiration fuels stagnation.

You may not always realize the effect you have on those around you until far down the road. You certainly don’t inspire others when you are perfect – you inspire others by how you deal with your imperfections. You have let your actions and character speak for themselves – it’s those two things that led me to you at the very beginning and transformed my feelings to what I feel now.

Nothing, and nobody will ever make me feel the way I feel about you.

Categories: Relationships

I Prayed for You

Not a day went by when I didn’t pray for you.

Early in the morning, noon, night, middle of the night, in the truck, at the stoplight… in line at the post office, in the garage, during the hymn at church, as I hiked up the mountain at 4:45 a.m. I prayed. It’s about all I could do. There was nothing else I could control — you were gone. I felt hopeless. I felt … like you had rejected me. I was lost, in some ways I still feel that way.

The only thing I could do is pray. So pray is what I did. I don’t know if you felt it. I don’t know if it made any difference. But I know He had to have heard me… though the tears that rolled down my face in church, so much that I couldn’t finish out the hymn. So much in fact that I had to leave to use the restroom and wipe my face clean.

Why Pray?

Prayer – is one of the most selfless, and giving things you can do for a person. Especially for someone you love. Not only is it thoughtful, it’s a great way to show that you are grateful and thankful for that person in your life.

Even if that person isn’t physically close to you on a regular basis. Taking time and energy out of your day helps you focus that energy for the blessings of God on their behalf.

Oftentimes, more than not, when we pray, we pray for things that we desperately desire, whether that be love, guidance, help, money … better situations. By taking a step back, and shifting the focus from yourself to that of someone you love, you’re taking “you” out of the equation and giving the focus to God.

When you pray for someone else, you are giving that energy to them; it’s an act of selflessness, and in doing so, you are hoping that the other person will be better, or perhaps more happy, encouraged, maybe even healthy. Many people may say that they pray for others, but very few really actually do take that time to pay for the people they love. Loving someone should motivate you to sacrifice for them and do something more for them.

When you pray for them, do it fervently, earnestly, and with an open heart. God knows their situation. God will bless them with the wisdom they need to guide their life.

Pray for your partner, your spouse, your children, even your parents – in hopes that God will guide and bless them in ways that He feels are needed at that point in time.

What did I pray for?

I prayed that God will open my heart and help encourage positive interactions with others. I want an open heart to love and serve others as God would love for us to do. I prayed that God would help me enrich our relationships, so that I could/can learn how to love and be loved in turn.

I prayed that God will bring healing to past experiences, situations and traumas. I want to grow in my faith and embrace God as my provider in every aspect of my life. I want him to do the same in yours. I asked God to let me go of past traumas and experiences, learn from them, and help to transform that negative space in my heart for him to provide a more loving, encouraging relationship for those few people close to me in my life.

I prayed for emotional guidance. God is almighty. He can guide me and you through the tough times when we need him the most. Sometimes our emotions can cloud our judgement; in these cases, we need to pray for God to guide us to face our emotions and protect us in this aspect, so that we can move forward with healthy interactions with others.

I prayed for God to bless us with the right people in our lives. You can’t change people – sometimes, people don’t live up to our expectations. Sometimes we find ourselves giving more than our partner or family members. Sometimes we face uncertainty. I prayed to ask God to provide guidance going forward, to help strengthen our faith to be who we need to be, rather than trying to change people in our lives that aren’t willing to reflect upon their own actions.

Praying for one another helps us bear one another’s burdens. Talking to God is a loving act; to pray for someone and join them in taking the pain of their heart directly to God is selfless.

When you pray for someone you love, what happens is that you focus your energy on that person. When you pray with deep conviction and belief, your thought pattern shifts to focusing on them.

Remember that we serve a very big, and powerful God. Nothing is too difficult for him. Choose to believe in God and his almighty power and he will hear you and your request. Shift your mindset to positive affirmations – think as if the pray has already been fulfilled. Operate from a compassionate heart that prays fervently, without trepidation – to a God who wants us to entrust that he knows what is best for us.

God is almighty and only He can help and fulfill what we ask for.

Ask God to show you how you can become someone worthy of love, and ask him to guide you through every step of your relationship or struggles in life – whether with a partner, family or friends, or internal battles, so that you can grow closer in Love, Joy and Faith.