Battling a Narcissist

Finding peaceful healing and growth after narcissistic abuse

Categories: Relationships

Unrepeatable Miracle

There isn’t anyone on this planet that can do what you do.

Turn back the clock, all the way to the night that you messaged me after responding to my story about lightning. You were completely honest about having gone through past trauma. Instead of avoiding the subject altogether you stepped out boldly to communicate that to someone it took you a long time to work up the courage to talk to.

You shared the real you.

You did not hide parts of yourself that you didn’t think anyone would like, nor did you hold back the parts of yourself that you didn’t think anyone would fully embrace.

You were you.

Never once did you dim your light to tone down what amazing things you are capable of doing. You may not have believed you were inspiring others, but it’s so often we fail to realize the impact that just one person can have on those around them.

I didn’t even know who you were. I did not know your name. All I knew is that you worked outside and it appeared as if you were in the Southwest. I remember flagstone pavers. And nitrite gloves. I remember messages of faith. And I remember foil packs, supplements, coconut oil and homemade deodorant, and banana split s’mores on the grill.

My feelings for you and towards you were love at first knowing. I felt love when I knew you, when I learned you and when you learned me and wanted to know more.

That small voice in my heart loved and adored you so much. Fast forward, that small voice still loves and adores you more than you could ever imagine.

You always let your light shine and that for the right person, that light becomes contagious and can lighten up a dark moment or even time for someone else. You let your light shine and in that light I picked bits and pieces of light that I carried with me to illuminate my own life and find a better version of myself.

You showed your abilities and greatness – but not in an ego ego-centric way, nor in a way that dominated others around you.

Your personality and abilities inspire those around you to be a better person simply because it simply FEELS SO GOOD to be around you.

I remember telling you, way back then, that you were a light in a very dark room.  That light has always been there, never did it dull or stop shining.  That light is what I saw and still see in you all this time later. That light is what keeps me going on the days that I struggle with the insecurities of feeling like I am not enough for you or on the days that the distance is unbearable.

I cannot fully describe how it feels like knowing someone gets you that well, that they make you feel better about yourself..  There is peace in someone who helps you uncover the best version of yourself.  Do not ever, allow yourself to think that who you are and what you do is insignificant. Don’t ever allow others to dictate what I know is true — you are oh so incredible to be around.

Maybe who we are isn’t so much about what we do but rather, what we’re capable of when we least expect.

You probably never expected to have such an influence on the life of another.

Little did I know that one person [YOU] could have such a profound effect on the people around you. You constantly encourage me to be the best version of myself  not just mentally but physically. I have such a deep admiration for you that’s almost impossible to describe .

There are so many facets of your personality that come together to make you the person you are, with that personality, with that faith, with that outlook on life, with that work ethic and creative mind.

Nobody else can do what you do. Nobody else IS you.

Categories: Relationships

You are Enough to Me

You have always been my inspiration.

My only inspiration. When I first found you on IG I was floored by the things that you did.

I didn’t see your face. Nor did I know your name. But what I did see was someone who, despite his generous skill, was ridiculously humble.

You never flaunted your skill or accomplishments, and you never used that skill to elevate your status.  That one character, humility, was so noticeable, because it’s not a character trait that most people have the ability to claim for themselves.

But you do.

That humility was far more than just surface – it is a sign of deeper emotional intelligence. That’s what makes me like you for deeper reasons – for who you are, rather than what you have the ability to do for people. Your humility makes you likable.

Likable people are humble because they know that they aren’t better than anyone else but wise enough to know that they are different from the rest.

Humility makes someone likable for who they are instead of what they can do for people.

I was so fascinated by you then, and all this time later, you still continue to fascinate me with your skills, your talents, creativity, and your work ethic. The moment I saw you with milk that day on IG, I was floored. I followed you intently.

I was so fascinated by everything you did.

Your strength of faith, your humor, your positivity, your humor, and you. You. I never even saw you. I had no idea who you were. But I loved following you… so much more than you will ever realize.  Over time, I grew more fascinated by you – there was so much I saw in you. There were things I saw in you that you probably didn’t and still don’t see in yourself.

You are undeniably creative, you have a charming personality, a great work ethic, and you are a ray of positivity in a world that is increasingly negative. Moreover, you ran your own business, and you did it successfully – what would be a challenge for most is something you did remarkably well.

You were always so adventurous, you loved nature – you found things that the common eye can’t recognize. A single flower in the mist of a sea of dirt, and gravel. Wind, shifting the grass along the water in Red River. I felt like I had met another version of myself, in the opposite gender.

For the first time in my entire life, I felt like I had met someone who understood me completely and someone I could open up to.

You always say to me… “I hope I can be everything you are looking for in a person.”

You are more than everything I could ever imagine in a person. I think about you constantly. There’s never a second of the day that I’m not thinking about what you are doing, how you are feeling, and things going through your mind.

When I met you, you made me question everything I’ve known. Feeling your love made me realize I haven’t ever known a love so real. It frustrated me to know that you are and will be the ONLY real love I have had and may ever have.

You are a once in a lifetime love.

I never get tired of following you, thinking about you, spending time with you. I could forever make cards, every day for years, and never tire of being hopeful that they mean something to you. The love I have for you never fades. It always resurfaces.

Even in your absence, you inspire me, motivate me and encourage me in ways you will never understand. You have shone a light on my scars and resurfaced emotional wounds that I know I need to address within myself to heal. I only hope I can do the same for you.

I see you, trying. Every day. But yet you still aren’t sure if you are doing it right, because nobody ever did much for you. But I see you trying and and I want you to know something.

You are good enough.

Even on the days that you think you are’t enough, you are good enough to me. You hold yourself to unreasonably high standards of perfection, making it completely possible that you will fall short. And on the days the you fall into self sabotage, and your mind tells you that you aren’t enough for anyone, you are enough for me.

I see you , in the heart and I see you in the soul. I see all of you and I love you. I love you and respect you in those times that you are the most vulnerable.  I am so grateful you are in my life. I’m even more grateful that we crossed paths. Your caring heart and gentle hands, your strength and resilience displays the things you have endured – you have encouraged me to do things that I would have never had the courage to try without you.

You have helped me appreciate things that I had always taken for granted – you have helped me reinforce my interest in enjoying the beauty of the smallest things around us.

Thank you for being so caring and so kind. You make me unbelievably happy. Even in times of absence and silence, I am grateful for you. Knowing you has brought me a joy that I never knew before – my life is just so much better with you in it, and I know that it will always be. I can only hope that I can be the kind of person you have dreamed of, and the person you deserve to have.

There is no one else with whom I want to be.

You have changed my life so completely.

I have always believed in a deep, wholehearted love that strikes the core of my soul; I believed that there is someone out there who could love me deeply, soulfully and passionately every day until the day that I am taken from this world.

I believed that there was, out there somewhere, the kind of love that filled me with joy, inspiration, passion and purity. Pure, unadulterated, unfiltered love.

I never thought I’d could ever find that love.  But I found it in you. You are worth fighting for. I want to show you that I will go to the ends of the earth to pursue you, show you my gratitude in words, actions and in my daily prayer life. I want that someone to understand that I am serious about the capacity of my emotions.

I want you to know that you are that person.

I want you to know that you are enough to me. You are the man of my dreams. I want you to know I am constantly sending you my love and compassion. I want you to let go of the fear that you aren’t good enough, or that I will find someone else. I want you to let go of the fear that someone else would make me happy.

Nobody else will do what you do for me.

I want you to trust that the love I have is genuine. I will never give up on you. Maybe you can’t see it, but I want you to know that there is no reason to fear that you are not enough for me.  I want you to know that I love you… I have loved you for a long time and I will always love you. I admire you for not giving up on me or yourself. I admire your courage, your strength, your creativity, personality, passion, zest for life, your generosity, your patience, and your humility.

Only a small fraction of people have the courage to self reflect, strive for personal growth, and to exit their comfort zone for things that are bigger and better than they could have ever imagined.

I have always wanted a parter who was special, who was different from the rest. Someone who matched my quirkiness.

Then you show up.

You are the man of my dreams, and the greatest blessing in my life.

Categories: Relationships

Let Go of People Who Aren’t Ready

Let go…

Of people who are not prepared to love you.

It’s not an attitude of pride, but of congruence.

You can, and may still, continue to love them, but with another perspective, and from another level of understanding, comprehension and awareness. It is the most difficult thing you may have to do in your life.

But it will also be the most critical thing you can do in your life.

Stop being linked to those who are not ready to love you.

Stop having difficult conversations with people who refuse to change. Stop appearing for people who are indifferent to your presence. Stop giving your love and energy to people who are simply not ready to accept what you have to offer and who are not ready to love YOU.

When you begin to be in your life completely, and when you develop a respectable level of self love, and give yourself joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to meet you there.

That does not mean you have to change who you are. That does not mean you should accommodate them or tolerate their inability to care. It means you need to get away from people who are not prepared to be with you.

If you are: excluded, easily ignored, ghosted or blocked, left on read, forgotten or subtly insulted by the person you so deeply care for, for the person you have gone out of your way for, and for the person you have been nothing but transparent and honest with, you are not doing yourself a favor.

Do not continue to offer them your energy and life.

The truth is…

You are not for everyone. Nor are they for you. That is what makes it SO special when you find people with whom you have a genuine friendship or relationship.  You will know just how precious it is, because you will have experienced what it’s not.

The more time you spend forcing someone to interact with you, forcing them to care, forcing them to “show up”, the more you are depriving yourself of something bigger, better, and more valuable.

There are millions of people on this planet. There is someone out there that will meet you at your energy, who will give you their time, who will respect your presence and what you have to offer.

There is someone out there with the same vibration that you have, that won’t leave you wondering who or what you mean to them.

The longer you stay for someone who uses you as a cushion, or second option, the longer you miss out on finding a community or person that is your match.

“Maybe they forgot me completely.”

“Maybe if I stop showing up, they’ll love me less.”

“Maybe if I stop pursuing, the messages will end…”

“If I stop loving then maybe the emotions will go away.”

That doesn’t mean you ruined a potential relationship

That doesn’t mean you are a bad person. It does not mean you gave up on them. They gave up on themselves.

It means that the only thing that sustained the relationship or connection you had was the energy that you and ONLY YOU put into it!

That is NOT love!

The most important thing that you can do for yourself and for your life is protect your energy more fierce than anything else.

Guard your life such as a way that only people who care, listen and truly connect with you are permitted inside.

You cannot save people.

You cannot convince people that they are worthy of bigger, and better things.

It’s not your job to give others pieces of your life in efforts to save them, because you feel sorry for them, or because you feel an obligation to care for those who are broken. At the end of the day, you may be afraid that they will not return that favor.

That is not love

To love is to release those who cannot reciprocate or love you the way you love them, so that they can move on in their life and learn how to properly love and care for others.

Your job is to move on. Care for yourself. Find someone with whom you can share in the reciprocity of healthy love. A love that’s not dependent on ego, or material items, status or benefits. It’s a love that’s based on a whole new level of consciousness.

You deserve a true commitment, and a complete love, from those who are healthy, energetically vibrant, inspiring, and prosperous. You deserve someone who compliments your state of being and doing. You deserve someone who respects your goals and dreams, craves to love in the same capacity they receive love.

When you start showing up to your life wholly and completely, with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone is going to be ready to meet you there.

Allow yourself to BE the love you are seeking to find.

Categories: Relationships

You Were Strong

 

No, the trauma did not make me stronger.

It did not add to my character. It did not make me kind.

Quite the contrary.

The trauma gave me trust issues, PTSD, nightmares and flashbacks. It gave me depression, anxiety, neurological issues. It led me to question everything, including my own ability to make decisions. It created fear, doubt and uncertainty. It made me more fragile and vulnerable to re-victimization. It paralyzed me, killed my dreams and hopes, and made me feel helpless, unloved and defeated.

It was I who that made myself stronger.

The trauma made me a warrior.

It was me, who dragged myself out of dark place each and every day. It was me who learned to deal with the consequences from the things I had no say in.

I didn’t have anyone to care for me, support me or be there for me. I was there for myself. It was me who rose each morning to care for my kids, love myself and do what was necessary to make it to the next day.

Anything I am is thanks to me, and me alone.

Categories: Relationships

Nothing Worthwhile is Easy

 

Every day I hike this mountain in the dark, at 5 a.m. Peeling myself out of a warm bed at 4:30 a.m. isn’t always easy. In fact, it’s downright hard, especially when it’s cold outside. Even more when it’s raining or windy.

But I do it anyways.

And I hike up this mountain.. half a mile up a steep incline and uneven trail, covered in rocks, boulders and unmentionables. Most mornings, I’m there by myself (at least I think I am). Some mornings, there are others who make that same commitment to themselves.

I return, to that same mountain, 12 hours later and do the same hike. One mile up and down, repeated 3 times. At least six miles in a day, every day of the week.

It’s definitely not easy – but I made that commitment in my mind to do this every day regardless of the weather pattern and regardless of what else is going on, how much work I have to catch up on and whether or not I have the kids. I am there, as a commitment to myself.

As I made the climb this week, I thought about the challenges of going up that uneven trail of boulders and loose rocks. Some hikers have paved a flatter, more predicable path on the side to avoid going up the regular trail of boulders and rocks. The path is still steep, but it’s flat. You don’t have to navigate the challenges of a very rocky, steep trail of huge boulders nor do you have to risk stepping incorrectly and spraining your ankle.

It’s a flat path.

As tempted as I am to take that path, there are advantages to taking the path less traveled (aka – the rocky, uneven path pictured above).

What’s good for us isn’t always easy.

And what’s good for us isn’t always joyful. Nor is it pleasant.

Climbing the rocky, challenging path of boulders is not easy. In fact, it’s quite grueling. It’s hard on the ankles, tiring to the lungs, and it leaves worry – step incorrectly and you’ll be pent up for weeks while your ankle heals.

But climbing the more challenging path of boulders is a better workout. It helps develop stronger quads, strengthens your hips, glutes, and lower body, and elevates your heart rate. It helps keep your mind sharp, as you work quickly to navigate your foot steps through the huge, rocky boulders. It’s strength.

It helps you grow as a person. Your stamina won’t improve unless you challenge yourself appropriately.

And yet still – despite the fact that the rocky path is better for your fitness goals, most people tend to navigate to the flat, predictable path off to the side. The path without any roadblocks… the path that doesn’t require much effort.

Would I have chosen the more challenging path several years ago? Hard to say. But I may have likely ventured into what was easy, what was comfortable and what didn’t require much effort.

It takes time, considerable time, to learn how to be attracted to what’s good for us.

It’s Much Like Being in a Toxic Relationship.

The rocky path full of boulders and uncertainties is similar to what you may face if you leave your toxic relationship.

The flat path, the one that’s easier to climb, is staying in that relationship.

Obviously, the flat path (staying) is the more comfortable choice. You have financial security, a house, kids, someone that you are “comfortable” with. You might not be entirely happy there, you may not have true emotional connection or the intimacy of your dreams – but you are (in essence) comfortable.

The flat path, the one without rocks, is a hike. Certainly so. It is a “comfortable” hike. It may not build your quads like the rougher, more challenging path. You may not like the end result (lesser lower body strength), but you keep hiking it because it’s comfortable. Predictable. In addition, you can still proclaim to the world via social media that you are hiking … “look! I’m hiking!” – kind of like being married… pictures and trips to show that you are indeed “taken” – but deep down, you know that it’s not where you really want to be.  You know you should be doing more to whip yourself into shape (or, if you are in a toxic marriage or relationship, you know you are capable of bigger things).

Being in a toxic relationship absent of true emotional connection, intimacy and love is difficult. But so is leaving any relationship.

No matter what kind of relationship you are in, leaving ANY relationship is hard. There are shared memories, financial implications, personal challenges, the list goes on.

It’s so very similar to climbing this mountain, especially climbing this mountain in the dark at 5 a.m. You have two trails – one, is uneven, rocky and littered with boulders and big rocks. The other is predictable – it’s flat, easy, and while it might not benefit you long term, it’s there. And it doesn’t put up much resistance.  It may take just as much energy and strength to walk up that mountain on the flat, more paved trail…. but long term, it’s not beneficial unless it forces some type of growth and challenge within you.

Why Choose Easy?

Change is scary. Comfort is easy. And sometimes, being too comfortable can lead to your own self destruction. People want change, but sometimes they are not willing to step out and challenge themselves to put themselves first.

With a shift in mindset, experience and expectation, the resources you used to stay and blind out the hopelessness can be used to propel you forward into something bigger, and better.

The only way to be okay with leaving what you have is to fully understand how broken it is.

And yes – it’s SO easy to take the more comfortable path in lieu of making a life change that is challenging, scary, hard, and yes – sometimes uncertain.  Sometimes you will feel as if you have nothing… there are days that you may question your decision. Personal growth never happens unless you move out of your comfort zone.

What’s best for you is never easy – that more challenging trail, the one filled with boulders, uneven steps and uncertainty will help you develop the wisdom, courage, and strength to propel you into your own life.

Only You Can Decide What Path to Take

You can take the more challenging path that will help you develop strength, and courage, or the comfortable, more predictable path that “feels good”, but doesn’t spark personal growth nor help you reach new personal goals within.

You must make a choice to take a chance, or your circumstances will never change.