From the outside looking in, things might appear glorious.

You may appear to have the life of your dreams – as pictured on social media. All the quotes, family pictures, and trips mish-moshed into funny videos and insta-reels may have everyone thinking that you have the most picturesque family.

And … I must say – you might.

But there’s a fat chance that you might not.

Only you know the answer to that.

Let me rephrase that – there are a few of us outsiders, looking in, that don’t take things at face value. For example – social media. It’s a haven for all the good parts of your life that you want to showcase – all the suggestive quotes that make you feel like you’re motivating others, perhaps even yourself. It helps provide you the validation you need to be someone – anyone, be important, be needed, most importantly BE RELEVANT.

The thing is, there are people out there that truly know and feel everything behind social media posts. Question is: are you really, truly living your best life?

Are you?

Think about it. 

Years ago, I had social media – and for anyone on the outside, I had the picturesque life. Granted, I rarely, if ever, posted my spouse – we had a marriage void of anything except two signatures on paper. It wasn’t a fancy church wedding, nor was it a lavish wedding that required a reception, bachelors and bachelorette party or family/friends in attendance.

It was a courthouse appointment that took a mere 5 minutes, and $15.00.

Eighteen long, highly anticipated years later, it was a very costly, contentious divorce that totaled over $120,000. That, is perhaps, the most expensive mistake I have ever made in my life: being married. 

To those on the outside, we very well could have been “that” perfect family. But nobody truly knew the horror that went on aside from the occasional instagram post. There was exponentially deep marital infidelity, emotional abuse, financial abuse and manipulation, sexual coercion, marital rape, child abuse, domestic violence, and a house that was undoubtedly in foreclosure condition.

Thankfully, a young couple was willing to purchase the house in deplorable conditions because they truly saw the potential.

But to the rest of the world, nobody knew anything other than what was posted several times a week on Instagram.

Certainly, I could have stayed to try to “make it work” – but it was long past that stage. I should have left after the first case of infidelity – but instead, I pushed it under the rug and told myself that it was a simple mistake.

Infidelity is never a mistake. It is a choice.

As the betrayed spouse, I honestly wanted to believe that I was the one that He truly loved.  And I truly think that most betrayed spouses want to think that.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t.

Because you can’t be married to someone and be “in love” with another.

You cannot be married to someone and love them while cheating on them with another person. I don’t care what anyone says – love is love. Love is not betrayal. Love is also not having two or more women at once.

Love is not having your cake and eating it too – if you are married, you cannot possibly be in love with someone else. At that point, you need to truly, deeply, take a look at your life and make a decision.

As the betrayed spouse, I should have left.  But I didn’t – I stayed, and forever forward, he knew that I was willing to accept substandard behavior in efforts to patch something that would never ever be able to be repaired.

The betrayed spouse can do everything imaginable to foster good vibes to the outside world — trying to over-share social media posts with vacations, short trips, movie nights, and dates. But chances are, deep in your soul, you will never know if your spouse opted to stay because they love you or because they truly “need” to be with you.

Because if they loved you, they wouldn’t have cheated on you.

Which means they are staying with you out of obligation – necessity in a way.

Perhaps they know they can’t function alone. So any relationship will do, even if it is a toxic one.

They might also be staying because the material things your relationship has to offer are more than they want to leave behind.  Perhaps they fear the fallback of worrying what people might think of them.  In my case, he wanted to stay – but not because he truly loved me. He loved what I could provide to him:

• the opportunity to not divide assets in the case of divorce
• the opportunity to have a maid, housekeeper, and child provider so he could work (and go out afterwards…)
• the opportunity to not pay child support since we were married on paper…
• the opportunity to have a second paycheck to pay for all the things he didn’t want to pay for so he could pay for things that I was unaware of (beer, porn, and frequent trips with others)

When you try to “make it work”, you will never truly know the reasons behind doing so – you hope your wife or husband is eager to make it work because they love you.

But do they? Do they really?

Or do they love what you can provide for them? 

Are they staying out of love? Or obligation?  

You won’t ever know.

You can’t fake it.
Your heart knows when something is for you.
Trust that feeling.