You.
It’s you. All this time. It has been for the last several years. It will be you, for years, years going forward. It can’t “not” be you. It’s impossible to clear my mind of you. All I can do is agonize and ache for you.
I will never stop thinking about you. You have no idea what it has been like. You have no idea how much I love you. After all this time, I still feel the same way about you – even more, much more, than when I first met you.
Sure, I go about my days, and continue what seems to be an endless journey with an uncertain future. But you are always there. No matter what I do or try to block out, you are always there. You are in my dreams.
It’s easier to embrace the feels rather than escape them, as excruciating as it is at times. The way I feel for you goes beyond anything I have ever known and anything I will ever know in the future, I’m sure of. I can’t stop loving you as much as I do. I will always love you — because the only way this life is worthwhile is to bring love like yours here to myself.
I will never, in this lifetime, experience another love like yours. I just can’t stop thinking about you, caring about you, and that’s why it hurts so badly to see you enjoy your life with someone else. It hurts massively. Words can’t describe the pain it feels to love someone who loves someone else.
The first time I talked to you was the beginning of my life being turned upside down. I fell for you. I fell hard for you. All this time later, I love you even more than I loved you then and back then I loved you immensely. You made me question everything – who I was, where I was, what I wanted out of life. It was so strange, to meet someone that triggered so many childhood wounds, inner trauma – it made me question everything I had known and experienced up until that point. I have never, ever, met someone that has had such a profound influence on the way I feel, think, and do… I felt like I had known you my entire life, even though I had only known you looking “in” from the window of a few mere social media posts.
Your voice… hearing you speak filled my heart with so much emotion. Being around you is absolute bliss. You have no idea how much I love you. I am in love with everything about you. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be in so much pain without you.
I remember, way back then, looking at your picture. Looking in your eyes, I saw a deep vulnerability. I saw a great deal of pain. Meeting you in person was the most overwhelming experience for me in so many ways. I left you that day and I ached for you… I literally felt my heart pulling out of my chest.. if you only knew the darkness I went through when you disappeared for long periods of time. It triggered abandonment wounds that I am trying so hard to overcome. When I talk to you, when I am with you, I am filled with peace, security, care. I try so hard not to feel what I feel but I can’t… I wonder at times if you feel the same way I do. But then other times I feel crazy, and delusional… knowing that you have a life that belongs to others so it’s easier for me to believe it’s all one-sided.
On the outside, you are a beautiful soul who radiates love. I see you as a bright, shining light of hope. But inside, your beauty is even more. You have a huge, caring, gentle heart. I love your intelligent mind, I love your depth of thought… I love how quirky you are and the odd things you do – your inner strength is something so incredibly attractive to me. I love it when you smile. Even more, when you laugh. I love the sounds you make in the shower, when you are eating… I know, you aren’t perfect, that you have struggles – we all do. But I still love you entirely. I love you that much more.
All this time later, you still give me butterflies in your presence, that extends far beyond anything I could ever have imagined. I know you have gone through a lot in your life and you have worked so hard to succeed the way you have. I admire you … respect you so much. It’s hard, so hard, to see you share your life with others… I want so desperately to be someone’s first choice, their only choice. I am just nobody, really, looking in from the outside on what seems like a very happy, fulfilled, content life you have with them. Your family pictures – they are perfect. Your trips with them… are beyond anything I have ever experienced in my lifetime. I can only hope you understand how hard it is for me to see you share your life with someone.
I know, deep down, I would give up everything – everything, to be with you. I’d go through any trial. Any road block. I love knowing that I am a person capable of risking it all for the person I love more than anything. That is how much I love you. But I also know that it is not the same for you… You are trying to do the right thing, and there are reasons why you are where you are.
But it still hurts. To know that my heart is with someone who has a heart with someone else. I just hope that this shows you the depth of my love for you. You have changed me forever. I try to be the best person I can be and life my life as best as I can. I try to find joy … daily, but deep down, I will always love you, want you and love you. There isn’t anyone I’d rather spend my time with, talk to or confide in than you.
I love you so much – there isn’t any way I could envision my life going forward with anyone but you. In all honesty, I can’t think of being with anyone else, talking to anyone else, or spending time with anyone else because of the way I feel for you. I will spend my time devoted to myself and my kids in hopes that I can find some sort of peace and joy even in your absence – as difficult as it is. I love you and cannot stop loving you.
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