Sometimes it’s hard to make a change, even when you know you really need to (and, even when you know that you’d feel much better if you did).
As humans, we gravitate towards what we know; We stay in our comfort zones, even when we are unhappy.
Or, even when they become uncomfortable.
Sometimes we even stay in our comfort zones even if we were never all too comfortable in the first place. Our body may be giving us signals – inability to focus, inner turmoil, destructive sleep patterns, and more.
Think of it like this: you’re curled up on a cozy sofa with a hot cup of coffee and a really good book (or, perhaps your computer). You’ve got a nice, fluffy blanket keeping you warm, and you’re getting ready to put some good mileage in your book.
But there’s a small problem: your coffee is cold, you are dying to go to the bathroom and you can’t find the channel changer – and you don’t want to get up.
Being comfortable with a blanket, a book and coffee, but not being willing to get up, use the restroom and find the controller is comparative to being in an unhappy marriage. There are many couples that seem absolutely miserable – yet they stay together. They may be in a loveless, sexless marriage, or they may complain/fight constantly or they are filled with deep resentment. Not satisfied with their life (or relationship), they are too comfortable to make a move to change anything.
The question to ask is – why do people stay in relationships in which they are not happy, fulfilled, or loved? The answer comes down to comfort. As humans, we tend to stick with what is comfortable (no matter how miserable we are) – that, and we are deeply scared of change.
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”
It’s very easy to ‘like’ these quotes we see on social media that suggest that we shake off fear and ward off comfortability in favor our pursuits. But when it comes to action, we tend to hesitate.
My ex husband had an affair the first year we were married. I should have left then (or at least taken that as a signal…) but I remained. One affair turned into two, which turned into half a dozen… I emotionally disconnected even before our first child was born. I was, at that time, already financially intertwined with someone I knew I didn’t want to stay with. It was at that time, that I looked back and asked myself how I had gotten that far …
- we had nothing in common
- he was continually putting me down, shaming me and showing blatant disrespect..
- I did not enjoy being around this person
- he did not encourage, inspire, or support the way a life partner should
- he was arrogant, condescending and continually angry
But I remained – out of comfort. Fear that I could not make it on my own as a single mother, fear that I could not provide for myself, and fear that I would grow old, alone, without someone to share my time with. Obviously I did not want to grow with him, but the stigma of being alone was daunting.
So I remained.
As the years passed, his affairs became more frequent, longer-lasting… some of them lasted for years. I remained, once again, out of comfort. But looking back at the entirety lead me to ask ..
“Why do men remain in marriages where they are clearly not happy?”
More times than not, women remain in unhappy marriages because they are financially bound. In the case of my situation, looking back, it was easy to see why he remained in the marriage despite being unhappy:
- he knew that he could get away with another affair, whether emotional or physical
- the thought of dividing the finances and paying child support was not something that excited him
- he was worried about what people (friends and family) would say..
- at the age of 41, he was fearful that he wouldn’t find someone else that he could go and manipulate to his advantage
- he had a wife at home that was an over-giver – she cleaned, she cooked, she chauffeured, she took care of the yard and automobiles.. why would he leave? He had it made, in a sense.
- Lastly – he was comfortable. He may not have been happy but he had the luxury of fulfilling his needs with women outside of the marriage yet had a slave at home to do everything he didn’t want to do.
How do we step outside of our comfort zones?
I think we need to be honest with ourselves. I spent a long time telling myself and those around me that I was fine. But deep down, I knew that I was extremely lonely, emotionally detached, and unhappy where I was. Very very unhappy.
It was then that I realized that I’d rather be alone than be with the wrong person.
Leaving any relationship is scary. We live in a fear-based culture, where we don’t have the language to attach to what we fee. So we do things that allow fear to manifest in our lives – drinking is fear, drugs are fear, substances are fear, anxiety is fear and jealousy is also fear. One can also allow that fear to manifest by overworking – which is how I dealt with my fear.
We need to look honestly at where we are in our lives and ask if we are in a relationship that’s a miserable-comfortable or a happy-comfortable. If it is a miserable comfortable, then that’s a sign that something has to change. I knew, desperately, that something had to change.
I knew that he was unwilling to step out of that comfort zone and initiate the divorce, so I did. With that step, came a long period of discomfort, fear, uncertainty, and frustration.
As uncomfortable and scary as that step was, it allowed me to discover more about myself, what I expect from a partner, and propelled my relationship with my kids into something far greater and deeper than ever before.
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