Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection on where I am at in my life, and trying to make sense of this question:

Why am I never good enough?

Something is pushing me to think hard about things that have transpired over the last several years and more. In all honesty, that question comes up on a daily basis – why, then, am I never good enough for those around me.

Many of these thoughts stem from a very inadequate childhood. My borderline mother and narcissistic father were never emotionally filling parents. Overly critical, everything I did was examined to the utmost degree- and even then, nothing was ever good enough for what they needed their daughter to be.

As a result, I learned to just put my head down to the ground with blinders on and move forward. I was in fact, a loner — I learned to focus on academics, work, and myself, with little time left for friends and fun.  Such is the reason my work ethic is so strong –  at the age of 16 I was moved to a foster home and I had nobody to rely on but myself. I was placed in this home without anything but the clothes upon my back. Everything I have, I have worked hard to establish on my own merit.

Several years later, I found myself in the military. Four years and several overseas field exercises and deployments, my high school was nothing but a distant memory.  Rarely, if ever, did I hear from my parents. I found myself keeping to myself in the service – I was focused on the mission at hand, working with pride and attending night school to further my academics. But even then, I was not desirable to anyone despite my loyalty, and work ethic. Not even to my own parents.

Just a few months shy of getting out of the service, I met a man that I ended up getting married with. There were not sparks, or fireworks… looking back, it was a decision made in haste. I always thought marriage was an extraordinary feeling of comfort and peace with someone, but I never once felt that. For some reason, I still felt like I was unseen, unheard, and largely misunderstood.  But I pushed on, because I figured that it would get better with time, and kids. Or, perhaps I was just expecting too much.

Eighteen years of marriage flew by and so did the revelation that my (then) husband had over a half dozen affairs. Feelings of betrayal, anger, frustration, and confusion hit me hard.  While I initially chose to stay, I realized that was the worst thing I could have done – I discredited myself and allowed him to think I wasn’t putting myself first. So I remained. And he continued to disrespect and betray me with even more infidelity.

How can your spouse, any spouse, remain in a committed relationship through acts of infidelity?  I failed to understand what I was doing wrong, and blamed myself for his repeated actions. It never occurred to me that he was the reason for his continued infidelity.  Instead, I blamed myself for not being enough – in looks, actions, ethic, and even personality.

Eventually, the betrayal mounted to the point of no return – I walled off my anger, and shut off our marriage one cold November morning. I was done. And there was no looking back or attempts for reconciliation.

The days that followed were some of the most difficult and darkest days of my life. I had no desire to associate with people, or even so much as be on any type of social media. I cut myself out of every area of my life I was once associated with. I removed my social media accounts, blocked and deleted contacts from my phone, and failed to return emails from people who once were significant friends in my life.

I felt no obligation to anyone but myself. I hesitated to trust anyone and everyone. How could I? My own spouse had betrayed me.

So am I good enough?

I never quite understood what prompted my ex husband’s infidelity for all those years.  I started to examine my actions to determine if I was, truly, the root of the problem, not realizing (in the end) that infidelity is and was HIS choice.

• It is an easy way to avoid responsibility.
• It’s an immature way of dealing with marital unhappiness.
• It shows a lack of self control.
• It shows entitlement, self consumption and selfishness.
• And most of all, it shows an unwillingness to cooperate, communicate and respect the person you made a vow to be with for the rest of your life

Who am I?

I was the wife, but I was also so many other things –

• I was the mother of our 5 beautiful children.
• I was self employed, yet still homeschooled all 5.
• I spent copious amounts of time cooking for the family – not only did I enjoy being in the kitchen, food was my love language.
• When the family vehicles needed work, I was the one who took care of the maintenance – from changing oil to alternators, serpentine belt, brakes, battery replacement, radiator and even water pump. We rarely ever had a need for a mechanic because I was that mechanic.
• Our yard was always well maintained – I was the lawn maintenance crew, the garage cleaner, the housekeeper…
• I was the primary parent who transported children everywhere and all over.
• I was patient, I was compassionate, I was at no point jealous or controlling. I worked hard, rarely put my needs before everyone else, and was a “rock” for the family. Despite being what I thought he and the kids needed, I wasn’t – I was still NOT enough.

Had I have been enough, the infidelity wouldn’t have ever happened. Or so I told myself.

One fall day, I was introduced to another man who went on to become my entire world. In the beginning, I knew he was different than others… he was humble, kind, compassionate, and had the most generous personality.

We spent time laughing and getting to know each other, having deep conversations about life and family and many of our own fears. But from the very beginning, I knew that due to circumstances in his life, I would never be “someone” to him.

Over time, I made trips to visit, spent copious amounts of time and money traveling back and forth 6 hours each way. I grew to absolutely adore this person, and could only hope he felt the same way. I am still head over heels for him, all this time later, and often wonder if he, too, feels the same.

So many trips resulted in me being stuck in a hotel room, 6 hours away, without a single phone call or attempt to see me despite me driving the distance. At first, I chalked it up to various excuses – work, family, etc. But over time, it wore on me “why, am I still not enough?”

Holidays come and go, to no avail….

Even my own birthday comes and goes… 

I will go to the longest lengths to show love to those in my life. I will sacrifice my own well being, to make your birthday the most special, spectacular day around. I will make you cards, care packages, baked goods, and even cute boxes to show you just how much you mean to me.

It is difficult, when you are someone who puts the needs of everyone else above your own in attempt to make them feel undoubtedly special, only to be ignored in return. It begs the question “why am I not good enough?”

Despite being able to get to know each other, I am left in confusion. Perhaps I looked too much for something that was not meant to be there.  Deep down, however, I can’t shake this feeling I have for him.

I am madly in love with this person and will always be. But I can only venture to guess that he just doesn’t care and doesn’t want anything to do with me.

And one day, if he and I ever cross paths again, he’ll likely just walk past me as if he never met me in the first place.

Here I am, still trying to answer this question – why? Why me?

• If you truly loved me, why would you avoid responding to me?
• If you truly loved me as much as you proclaim to, why would you fail to show all those times that I made the trip to you?
• If you truly loved me, why would I be stuck, broken down in a truck, for 12 hours, in a city 7 hours away from home, with no cell phone signal, waiting for anyone, just anyone to rescue me?
• Why, if you loved me, would my birthday come and go without any measurable effort?
• Why, if you loved me, would you be so indecisive?
• Why would you just ignore someone you love?
• And how can you spend your time loving someone else when you say you love me as much as you do? I certainly cannot consciously do that.

I have so many questions…. yet so few answers. What more do I need to do, say or give in terms of myself, to be seen? Perhaps I really am just not enough … and perhaps I am beating a dead horse, holding onto hope that one day you will realize the level of love I feel for you.

In the end, my conclusion is this:

I’ll never be good enough for the wrong person. No matter how much I do, say or give of myself, the wrong person will never be moved by me. But I’ll always be good enough for the right person.

Despite knowing who I am, and what is in my heart and soul, I’ll just never be good enough for him.

To me, he’s looking for someone else with checkboxes that I will never be able to reach. It’s not that I’m not lovable – it’s just that his taste and preference is something that I will never have or fit. At this point, no matter what I say or do, I’m obviously not a fit for what he’s looking for.

Do I wish I had the traits to be who he is looking for? I’ll admit, it’s not me. I’ll never be “her”, so I’ll never be good enough for him. I just have to accept and move past it, as hard as it is.

But… one thing is certain. I’ll always be good enough for the right person. 

To the right person, I’ll be everything and more.  Each relationship has taught me something to learn from. That for me, I don’t need anyone in my life who isn’t certain with how they feel about me.

I am enough to myself.

• If you were enough to others, then others wouldn’t have left you wondering why you weren’t/aren’t enough.
• If you were enough to others, infidelity wouldn’t be popping up in your marriage.
• If you were enough, you wouldn’t have to take yourself to forums and message boards to ask why you aren’t enough.
• If you were enough, people would show up when you show up for them.
• If you were enough, you’d be celebrated – on your birthday and for your accomplishments, heck – you’d be celebrated for being you.
• If you were enough, you wouldn’t have to beg for a response.

Just remember that you will always be just enough, and more, for the right person.